I just have to share this.
I get up early--6-ish--and fire up my God, get my One Cool Thing cooking, some meditation in the shower and some devotional stuff. I got my humility on, my awareness bubbling, and I'm out the door to the grocery. By 7:30 I'm sideways, I've been humiliated because I was forcing my fear, taking everyone's inventory, and needed a damned meeting by 8! I get some outdoor work done, load some piping, etc., and get cleaned up by 11 to get to a noon meeting. I call the latest sponsee and I'm gonna pick them up, but they're in some other town and (likely, but I can't prove it) they're gonna relapse--or have, because they've not bother to let me know. I'm livid! Ungrateful f***ing alcoholics! By then end of the noon meeting I need another meeting! My whole day has been nothing but Restlessness, Irritability and Discontented behavior--and I can't shake it with all the prayer, faith, and stepping known to Bill. I haven't had a day like this in months!
Even after all of this, I'm absolutely grateful for the lesson/reminder of what my life used to be like--pissed off at the world--and I'm smiling as I write this. Because I'm going to go to bed as soon as possible and say, "Thanks!" for the day. Because I stayed sober. And I didn't ruin any relationships. And I went to a meeting. And I helped someone. And I knew that this, too, shall pass.
Thank God for sobriety!
| QUOTE |
| "....fire up my God,.... |
I like the way you worded that Skg! Sometimes out of nowhere I have a day like that. For me I always always think it's because I'm getting complacent. Sometimes I'm moving along in the world just happy go lucky and whammo I'm ready to open up a can of whoop a*s on anyone in my radius for no reason. Normally journaling pinpoints where things went wrong then I know which areas I need focus on.
Thanks for sharing because it shows us that even someone with a very strong recovery program has to be vigilant daily in fighting this God awful disease.
Hope you're having a peaceful Sunday bud!
ValPal :-)
Hey SKG - it sucks to be reminded we are still human damnit! Yep sobriety, recovery doesn't make us immune from bad days -
thanks for sharing.
Idgie
thanks for sharing.
Idgie
What has been true for me in sobriety is that when I do have those days (that mamma warned me about) they usually don't last more than a couple days. It will prompt me to 'get right with God' and use the tools I"ve learned in recovery to get back on the beam. I love sobreity!
Edited to add:
My sponsor told me that every time that a major milestone approached or loomed on the horizon, things might get quirky. Birthdays, invitations to events, stuff that puts my ego/pride into hyper-space. The kinds of things that put me here in the first place! These challenge my right-sizing in Step 7, and I really really really need to work the gratitude and faith for my serenity.
I don't know about 'we' and 'us,' but I compare constantly--it's what I learned to do very early on. I was always better than or worse than, but never "as good as" (which actually meant 'to settle for' in my formative years). Learn my strengths and develop them, learn my weaknesses and compensate for them, and life looked like a series of blacks and whites.
It's more about growth for me today. I don't wish ill on anyone today or secretly find pleasure in their discomfort. That's a huge leap for me. Being grateful enough to be able to feel and to recognize those feelings as well as how to manage them.
I thank My HP everyday for AA, and I thank AA everyday for God.
My sponsor told me that every time that a major milestone approached or loomed on the horizon, things might get quirky. Birthdays, invitations to events, stuff that puts my ego/pride into hyper-space. The kinds of things that put me here in the first place! These challenge my right-sizing in Step 7, and I really really really need to work the gratitude and faith for my serenity.
I don't know about 'we' and 'us,' but I compare constantly--it's what I learned to do very early on. I was always better than or worse than, but never "as good as" (which actually meant 'to settle for' in my formative years). Learn my strengths and develop them, learn my weaknesses and compensate for them, and life looked like a series of blacks and whites.
It's more about growth for me today. I don't wish ill on anyone today or secretly find pleasure in their discomfort. That's a huge leap for me. Being grateful enough to be able to feel and to recognize those feelings as well as how to manage them.
I thank My HP everyday for AA, and I thank AA everyday for God.
What a lovely story. Living life on life's terms, upset and angry and co-dependent and demanding.....and aware of it....not denying your feelings....but living with them and not "acting out"...not denying how the day is for you....but not reacting to it by self-harming....wonderful share. Thank you.
I think (and I KNOW nothing) that this is how we're meant to be....in touch with ourselves, our God given/natural selves, feeling everything life and the Universe has to offer us....and living in those feelings and grateful for what they can show us and teach us....
The more I am able to accept (that word again) and be grateful (that word again) my feelings, the more "me" I become.
The more me I become, the less my narcisstic defences drive me to judge others or to need them to understand and accept and follow my world-view and way of being. The more I become the real me the more wonderful this Universe becomes, whatever is happening....
I am finding my place.
Thanks Skg.
Love,
Martin
I think (and I KNOW nothing) that this is how we're meant to be....in touch with ourselves, our God given/natural selves, feeling everything life and the Universe has to offer us....and living in those feelings and grateful for what they can show us and teach us....
The more I am able to accept (that word again) and be grateful (that word again) my feelings, the more "me" I become.
The more me I become, the less my narcisstic defences drive me to judge others or to need them to understand and accept and follow my world-view and way of being. The more I become the real me the more wonderful this Universe becomes, whatever is happening....
I am finding my place.
Thanks Skg.
Love,
Martin
