Hi folks,
I have sat here this morning, and read every single post about coke, and every reply. Hopefully, someone can give me direction, on something that I know nothing about, and don't understand.
I am an emergency room RN, and the mother of 2 grown children. My first marriage ended after 23 yrs, when my recovering ex-husband (alcoholism ) found a girlfriend in "the program". I met a man 4 mo. ago, that just blew me away...his kindness, his sense of humor, his love for his 3 yr old son, and his dedication to his business, most importantly, I was impressed with his honesty.
He told me about a "past" of 15 years of coke use, that he described as "hell", he told me how he prayed to get away from it, and did. His life was back on track, he felt confident...and we fell in love hard. We talked about our future, plans, things were going along perfect.
Because of my first marriage, I know that any addict can have weak moments, and there has to be a plan. Together, we decided that if he should ever get the urge to use, he would call me. I also told him that the only thing that would ever make me to turn and walk away, would be coke.
A few weeks ago, something just "didn't feel right", he was distant, withdrawn. I had a feeling that it was coke. The night before last, I asked him, and he told me that he used twice. " A freind" stopped by his house on both occassions, while I was at work. He said he even did tell them that he wasn't using anymore...but ended up doing a line. For some reason, I felt the same feeling that I only felt once in my life, it was the same as when I found out that my ex cheated....I don't see the comparison. I also don't even know how much a line is, or what it feels like. I told him that I didn't understand coke, and he said he was glad. I have my own place, but had clothing over at his house, and some personal things. I went to the closet, got my clothing, and things from the house. I asked him why he didn't call me....he said he didn't know. He is genuinely sorry, and that he felt guilty as heck after doing it. I know that, but I don't want this in my life. I feel like he sucked our entire relationship up his nose. As I was leaving, he asked me for a kiss, told me he loved me, and then he asked if he could call me on Sunday ( today ) I nodded. No fight, no harsh words...just a million tears in my eyes that made it hard to drive home. I know he felt horrible to, but I had to do what I said I would do. He said he didn't tell me about it because he was afraid he would lose me. I believe him.
Here is the thing, I have been researching cocaine on the net, I'm trying to understand it, and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. Can anyone help me understand what is so great about it ? If it's the energy, there are other ways. He has even told me that it doesn't last that long, how long does a "line" last, and would doing a line keep someone in bed for an entire day afterwards ?
Any help here would be appreciated. I know this is a sickness, and I feel like I shouldn't run from a sick person that I love, on the other hand, I'm scared.
Thank you, J Lynn
wow, sounds like you are i a hard place.
first understand that cocaine- its a psycological{spelling?}{mental} addiction. you get addicted to the feeling, the process of using and sometimes even to the score. with this addiction you need the feeling, the process. even after years of clean time you still can fall weak when it is placed infront of you. your mind starts- "only one wont hurt, this will be the only time" well thats why we are addicts.
i do think that its a big step him telling you about his slip up. he must of felt really ashamed and scared of your reaction. i'm sure he didn't even think of the consequences{sp?} before he did it.
the size of one line depends on who is doing it. {my husband does one line 3x the size of my one} we can go through a gram of coke in an hour or two. one line of coke will keep you buzzed for 20 mins or so, depends on how big and quality of it. i have never done just one.
i can still sleep after a night of using, but it is hard if you do alot. the next day i feel like s**t, but i can still go about my day.
i do think you need to sit down and talk to him. I'm sure he planned on calling you in a time like this, but when you addiction clicks in you thoughts are flooded with nothing but thoughts of what to do.{use or not use}
be strong, i wouldn't throw a relationship out over a slip up. but if he continues then its time to go.
good luck
raerae
first understand that cocaine- its a psycological{spelling?}{mental} addiction. you get addicted to the feeling, the process of using and sometimes even to the score. with this addiction you need the feeling, the process. even after years of clean time you still can fall weak when it is placed infront of you. your mind starts- "only one wont hurt, this will be the only time" well thats why we are addicts.
i do think that its a big step him telling you about his slip up. he must of felt really ashamed and scared of your reaction. i'm sure he didn't even think of the consequences{sp?} before he did it.
the size of one line depends on who is doing it. {my husband does one line 3x the size of my one} we can go through a gram of coke in an hour or two. one line of coke will keep you buzzed for 20 mins or so, depends on how big and quality of it. i have never done just one.
i can still sleep after a night of using, but it is hard if you do alot. the next day i feel like s**t, but i can still go about my day.
i do think you need to sit down and talk to him. I'm sure he planned on calling you in a time like this, but when you addiction clicks in you thoughts are flooded with nothing but thoughts of what to do.{use or not use}
be strong, i wouldn't throw a relationship out over a slip up. but if he continues then its time to go.
good luck
raerae
Thank you for answering back... I've never been on a message board before.
Through some research today, I have found some numbers of folks that can help him, and through our ED dept at the hospital, I know a couple CSB counselors that would help him. The thing is, I know he has to make those calls. He has to be the one to want the help.
I'm thinking that the best thing I can do for him is to give him the information, and leave the rest up to him. I have thought all day about how I will respond to his call, and the only thing I can think of, is to ask him if he really wants away from it. If he doesn't, then that is a personal choice. If he does, I will hand over contacts ( which are already written down for him ) to get the help he needs. He really is a wonderful man....with a very huge problem. We live in a small town, small hospital, and I don't want to be the ER nurse if he comes in with a heart attack over this stuff. I could not deal with that.
His son.... 3 yrs old, blond hair, blue eyes ( that he loves him more than life ) doesn't deserve a mother and father that can't cope....but I know they can't help it. I have grown to love this little guy, and who will care for him if everyone is gone ?
He has told me that he felt like he was locked in a corner until we met. He stayed home, did coke, and hated it. He said he finally felt free...why would he go back ? His home is dark, shades drawn, and I love the sun... ( we joked about that ) After we got close, I opened the shades every morning, closed them every night, playtime with his son, dinner time, bubble baths, pj's, bedtime...normal things. ( at least to me )
I am grateful for his honesty, and I will always be... I know it was hard for him to tell me, but he confirmed what I already knew. I hate coke, I hate the addiction, and I hate what it is doing to us. Will "slips" happen forever...or is this an excuse to do it ? How can something that lasts 30 min, take over a lifetime this way ? I'm sorry...I'm rambling.
Today, even at my own house, the shades are drawn.
Thank you for answering my post. I have even wondered if I need to go see what this is all about....but I wouldn't know where to begin to get it anyway.
Be safe... Love and Light, J Lynn
Through some research today, I have found some numbers of folks that can help him, and through our ED dept at the hospital, I know a couple CSB counselors that would help him. The thing is, I know he has to make those calls. He has to be the one to want the help.
I'm thinking that the best thing I can do for him is to give him the information, and leave the rest up to him. I have thought all day about how I will respond to his call, and the only thing I can think of, is to ask him if he really wants away from it. If he doesn't, then that is a personal choice. If he does, I will hand over contacts ( which are already written down for him ) to get the help he needs. He really is a wonderful man....with a very huge problem. We live in a small town, small hospital, and I don't want to be the ER nurse if he comes in with a heart attack over this stuff. I could not deal with that.
His son.... 3 yrs old, blond hair, blue eyes ( that he loves him more than life ) doesn't deserve a mother and father that can't cope....but I know they can't help it. I have grown to love this little guy, and who will care for him if everyone is gone ?
He has told me that he felt like he was locked in a corner until we met. He stayed home, did coke, and hated it. He said he finally felt free...why would he go back ? His home is dark, shades drawn, and I love the sun... ( we joked about that ) After we got close, I opened the shades every morning, closed them every night, playtime with his son, dinner time, bubble baths, pj's, bedtime...normal things. ( at least to me )
I am grateful for his honesty, and I will always be... I know it was hard for him to tell me, but he confirmed what I already knew. I hate coke, I hate the addiction, and I hate what it is doing to us. Will "slips" happen forever...or is this an excuse to do it ? How can something that lasts 30 min, take over a lifetime this way ? I'm sorry...I'm rambling.
Today, even at my own house, the shades are drawn.
Thank you for answering my post. I have even wondered if I need to go see what this is all about....but I wouldn't know where to begin to get it anyway.
Be safe... Love and Light, J Lynn
I am just learning about Cocaine (my son is an addict, in rehab, doing good) but I am an alcoholic and I KNOW YOU CAN'T HAVE JUST ONE - maybe today you could, but tomorrow it would be 2 or 20. He needs help, NA meetings (you need NaraNon - like Alanon for alcoholic loved ones) or he needs rehab, if he can afford. My son told his work and they have been great (thank God) about holding his job for him. He will get out of rehab next Sun. and then he will go 3 nights a week to an outpatient program and NA meetings. He got a sponsor while in rehab (he was told to) and he will call him daily. and we will all pray that he has hit his bottom and REALLY wants recovery. He says he does, but as they say if a drug addicts mouth is moving, they are lying. That is a little harsh, but it is true, they (drug addicts) and we (alcoholics) are big manipulators. Take care of yourself (what I was told to do also). You did the right thing to leave - it may be enough to make him think. Good luck
My God... I went through the same thing in 1984 with my ex-husband. It was a horrible experience because his cocaine use (crack) resulted in him lying so much to me, he wouldn't come home until the next morning a lot of times, (I thought it was a woman), all kinds of excuses and lies, he started dealing drugs (I guess to support his habit) and then ended up shooting and killing a guy that was a friend of ours in the neighborhood! And it was behind drugs... he was high on that crack when they had an argument.
I didn't know about the crack use until after the shooting incident and court proceedings started. I always thought something was wrong with me, that I wasn't a good enough wife, because he too was a good, kind, sweet and wonderful man. He was not out there in the streets (or so I thought) he was a loan manager at a bank! But that demon got ahold of him. When I finally found the crack pipe I was devastated, my whole world seemed to crumble. I actually almost had a nervous breakdown because of things I went through because of that demon taking over his life and our marriage. When I found the crack pipe, I immediately put his clothing in the quickest thing I could find and put them on the front porch and told him to come get it and go. The next reaction that I felt for a long time is I felt so very, very stupid, but most of all hurt. I knew that I could never trust him again after finding that pipe. I know if I had still tried to make it work it would have ruined me.
As you, I made calls everywhere trying to find out about coke... what was so good about it, did it make you act a certain way, did others hurt their loved ones like I was hurt... so on and so on. I even attended a Cocaine Anonomyous meeting just to get answers and they made me leave because I did not use coke. I was scrambling to find answers and confused just as you are now. However, I feel you did the right thing by getting out of the situation when you did. Please don't feel like you deserted him, that he's sick, that you left him at a time of need. He has to help himself. Believe me you can't do it. He has to. He knows he has his child, he knows he is taking a hell of a chance of even touching it knowing the consequences, but that must be the illness. That demon controls them, they can't control it. That's why he has to really do it himself.
In my situation I had to let the love of my life go, it hurt, I missed him. I loved him more than you can imagine, but I had to let him go. I could not let his addiction destroy my life any further. I had to get into therapy and it took me over 8 years to really let go of the hurt that I felt. But all in all, what if I had stayed? Would I be alive today? Would I be sane today? I don't believe it would have turned out good if I had stayed. My best advise is to pray for him and pray for God to give you the strength to go on.
I didn't know about the crack use until after the shooting incident and court proceedings started. I always thought something was wrong with me, that I wasn't a good enough wife, because he too was a good, kind, sweet and wonderful man. He was not out there in the streets (or so I thought) he was a loan manager at a bank! But that demon got ahold of him. When I finally found the crack pipe I was devastated, my whole world seemed to crumble. I actually almost had a nervous breakdown because of things I went through because of that demon taking over his life and our marriage. When I found the crack pipe, I immediately put his clothing in the quickest thing I could find and put them on the front porch and told him to come get it and go. The next reaction that I felt for a long time is I felt so very, very stupid, but most of all hurt. I knew that I could never trust him again after finding that pipe. I know if I had still tried to make it work it would have ruined me.
As you, I made calls everywhere trying to find out about coke... what was so good about it, did it make you act a certain way, did others hurt their loved ones like I was hurt... so on and so on. I even attended a Cocaine Anonomyous meeting just to get answers and they made me leave because I did not use coke. I was scrambling to find answers and confused just as you are now. However, I feel you did the right thing by getting out of the situation when you did. Please don't feel like you deserted him, that he's sick, that you left him at a time of need. He has to help himself. Believe me you can't do it. He has to. He knows he has his child, he knows he is taking a hell of a chance of even touching it knowing the consequences, but that must be the illness. That demon controls them, they can't control it. That's why he has to really do it himself.
In my situation I had to let the love of my life go, it hurt, I missed him. I loved him more than you can imagine, but I had to let him go. I could not let his addiction destroy my life any further. I had to get into therapy and it took me over 8 years to really let go of the hurt that I felt. But all in all, what if I had stayed? Would I be alive today? Would I be sane today? I don't believe it would have turned out good if I had stayed. My best advise is to pray for him and pray for God to give you the strength to go on.
You need to get to a Naranon meeting. Go to the website Naranon.com and find a list of meetings in your area. They also have a support forum with alot of insperational people there that can help you. You will find this very helpful. You can start your recovery if he choses not to. You have to take care of yourself first. Just remember you didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Addiction is a nasty disease and nobody can help him except for himself. He has to want the help and be serious about it. Get to a meeting, you will be amazed at how much better you will feel.
Trust me once they start again, a lot of times they continue using and unless you are ready to live your life around an addict, you need to be prepared to leave him. Mines been an addict for a long time and I too asked why? Whats so special about it? He would pull a lot of disappearing acts, not call and I thought he was cheating..until I found out he was a crack user from a friend of his. I was devastated. He promised never to do it again but he's disappointed me for another year now...and I can't see it stopping in fact its gotten worse. He's going to a one year rehab program soon so I'm hoping that will help him but I can't live like this anymore...life with an addict is pure hell let me tell you. He spends ALL his money now on crack..he hasnt' even paid me bills or groceries so I had to kick him out..
Its so hard for an addict to stop especially when its in front of them. I never tried coke or crack but I did try Meth once..and I can understand why they like it so much...I loved the high and euphoric feeling it gave me..but personally it wasn't worth the "coming down" feelings of depression I felt..and not worth getting addicted to and ruining my life over for.
Its so hard for an addict to stop especially when its in front of them. I never tried coke or crack but I did try Meth once..and I can understand why they like it so much...I loved the high and euphoric feeling it gave me..but personally it wasn't worth the "coming down" feelings of depression I felt..and not worth getting addicted to and ruining my life over for.
