1:20 AM
I just went in the living room and got a couple of smokes and a lighter, I couldn't resist kissing your ear and whispering, I LOVE YOU. Then you woke up so I told you I wrote you a book, you told me I was so great.
No, I am not, not lately for sure. But I want to be so in your eyes for real once again. Another reason to stop the drug usage.
You have spent a large part of our time together admiring and looking up to me and I have let you sown by becoming the piece of crap I have always despised others for becoming. I want to be able to see that look of adoration in your eyes again and to know I still make you happy and that you are proud of me.
I want you to see the go-getter in me again, the man who is happy to get up and go do a days work for a days pay to take care of his family.
The last year I've lost that somewhere in an Icecube, it seemed like taking a few hits id the only thing that motivates me to feel like getting out to do something. Without drugs, I used to be so ready to go do something, so willing to work, so willing to play at the start of EVERY day. Ready to go to bed at night just so I could wake up and see what the new day held in store for me. I want that, Trisha, and I'll get it too. The starting point is stopping this drug cold turkey.
I am writing down things that have been screaming around in my head for too long and it is time I get them out in the open. I also have to keep apologizing to you for my mistakes so you know I am truly sorry for them. I have been so mean, childish, rude and downright irresponsible to you and our relationship. Please give me a chance to make amends. You deserve so much better than what I've done for you thus far.
Please just stick with me honey, only with your, I'll get us there. Wherever there ends up being, it'll be a hell of a lot better than where we ate now. I need you, your brains, your mind, your soul and your body to make this work for us, Baby.
And you, with your job at C.S.I. Was the wake up call we needed. I know you were so upset when you got into the car today about things that took place. I was listening to you and thanking God at the same time.
You know what is ironic? As I sit here and type this, I take a hit off the pipe every once in a while. That is f***ed up for sure. But it's my own way of saying goodbye to it for awhile. Hopefully forever, but I am afraid if I make a commitment like forever, I'll be on it again next week. Just the way things usually go. So, if I say awhile,I can better say no each and every day and it won't be like I have lost a best friend forever. I hope that is understandable to you.
You have to say goodbye the best way you know how to. Just don't do it in some other man's arms and I'll be fine with it! Unless of course, that's what it takes, then you best lie to me!!!!!!!!
What I'm trying to say is in your heart, bid it farewell for a time, and mean it.
2:28 AM (break time for a minute)
10/10/06
2:36 AM
OK. I just took two more hits and listened to you cough a couple times. I want to go bother you so bad, but I know you need your rest and you can't be going to work spun anymore. I am tempted to just smoke all of this and tell you that you are done but I know I'd be pissed if you treated me in such manner, so I will not do it to you. It has to be your call, your own way you choose to say farewell, not mine.
Another thing I've been missing a lot is the sex that we used to have so much of that has disappeared somewhere in the cold, dark shadows. If you wasn't working I'd be accusing you of getting it somewhere else because I know how it is a necessary part of your like to have, kind of like oxygen to most everyone else!!!!!! Hahaha!
I know that Meth/Ice has been a huge part of the sex life we have enjoyed and that with out it we'd have missed out on a lot of FREAKY moments with each other. That in itself, I think, is going to be the part I miss most in saying farewell to it for a while. And possibly the reason we later in the months to come. I also know that we do this s*** for too longs of periods of time, that we have little sex and I don't like that at all!!
But, we'll work on repairing that as will, I hope.
I am not BITCHING at you at all Baby, that is not that this letter is about, so please do not take it that way. Just expressing some concerns. Going to get a smoke again. 3:16 AM
3:26 AM
I am back, you woke up me, I got the heater turned on for you. Then you wanted the fan on also, to circulate some air. Your nose is stopped up very bad. I am trying to think where that breathe right strip is we took from Bill some ago but haven't got a clue so far. I am thinking in the bathroom for some reason.
Something else I need to write about is that I know I/we will have to cease seeing anyone who is in our life now who does Ice. They will come over here I know from time to time and tempt us to let go of our dreams just for a bit. Honey, we can not give in and say, Ahh, this one time won't hurt to do a little., because we both know now and we will then too, that it will crush us again. If we decide to again, it will have to be agreed on by both of us to be one time only and done when we both have the time to clean up afterward and walk away from it afterward, not looking back or thinking, 'We handled it good that time, so again could 't hurt.'.
This is the best lie it tells and it has gotten away with it each time we've f***ed up.
Trisha, I don't want to go to prison again, to be without you in my arms each and every day. That was the most hurtful, crushing time of my life.
We know if we keep traveling the road we're in that's where we are headed without any shadow of a doubt. Ice has known that since we first blew out the smoke from the hits we took after getting released last time. I don't know about you but I can still hear it laughing/cackling at us. Gets louder daily. Listen............Listen Closer..............Closer.. CAN YOU HEAR IT????? You can now, I bet. Huh?
I can hear it saying, I WILL NOT STOP COMING FOR YOU, I've ruined you on more than 1, 2, 3, What's this a fourth time I will have you bow before me and hand over everything you have that you hold precious in your life. Then I will destroy you because I hate you, I hate your God, therefore I own you now and I will not stop until you Deny your God, and hand ME your soul and burn in Hell for eternity with ME.
And Baby, He means it. Do you ever imagine you hear things like that? If you do, don't think it;s just you imagination running wild. It's much bigger than that and He is after us!!!!! BELIEVE THAT. I DO!
But I know we can beat Him and give our souls to the One that forgives us for our wrongdoings, who rightly and justly loves us, cares for us and wants us to be happy in eternity, Our God. Our Savior, Jesus Christ.
How did my sermon grab you? Probably shouldn't be a minister, huh?
4:25 AM Back in a bit, honey............
4:36 AM
Well the house is a lot warmer now. Got the oven throwing a little heat out now, coffee fixing to brew in about an hour.
I'll make you a
Hello dontwant2btwiztedanymore, now that's a mouthful there. But it sure does get the point out there of what you want done. huh? Anyway, I wish you and your wife all the best of getting over your addiction situation. If you two are close like I perceive that you are from your post then You two will still be the best of everything to one another.Stick Together Friends Forever
Hi!!! I am Terry, and glad to have u on our side, honey
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