Hello friends,
I have used this messageboard before but its been quite a while...some of you may remember me as Taproot. I think i only come back here when things are falling apart otherwise when i'm clean it doesnt cross my mind...well...things are falling apart...BIG TIME. This has been the most destructive run I have ever lived and it shows no sign of letting up. I am completely destroying my life and i don't seem to care. Well, I do care but apparently that doesn't matter because I just cant stop. cant stop . can't stop. I checked into detox followed by a 28 day rehab in september...kicked cold turkey, felt better, totally participated in every part of the program. things were looking good for me. A week after I get out I'm right back on the smack...well...back on the speedballs to be exact (i know this is the heroin room). I thought i did everything I could. started going to meetings, had the sponsor, worked the steps, even stopped hanging out with old using friends. All it took was driving by the old neighborhood and I was off and running. Now 2 months later I am nearly bankrupt, have been arrested, am about to drop out of college when i have 1 quarter to go, am in tons of debt with credit cards, dealers and friends, am inches away from my family totally abandoning me as a lost cause (and i don't blame them), am totally sucked up and scarred, and i still can't stop!!!!!!! I am so pathetic i can barely look at myself in the mirror. I have been on subutex which works OK but never seems to keep me 100% clean for any length of time (i always "cheat" here and there). It feels like I have tried everything!!! the only thing left i can think of is to marry the methadone clinic and something tells me thats not even gonna work if the subutex didnt. My sponsor who I am still in contact with tells me "I'm just not ready". well what is it gonna take?!!?!?!!! Will I be ready when I'm dead? how about homeless and eating out of the garbage? or perhaps having my arms amputated from lack of circulation. I just dont know what to do. I am what they call a "dual diagnosis", that is i suffer from addiction and generalized/social anxiety disorder as well. From what ive read people like me have the lowest rate of recovery out of all groups. thats not a justification either,. i read that yesterday thinking "thats for damn sure" I believe in god and frequently i ask him "Why?!!! Why do I have this insatiable compulsion to use use use.????" I just don't know what to do . any advice will be greatly accepted. Why can't I stop!?!?!! hope this message wasn't too long...those of you that pray, please pray for me...I am 26 years old and at this rate I dont think i'll make it to 27.sigh...good night.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Don't give up hope. Keep asking God for strength and then take one minute, one hour, one day at a time. You have the desire to stop using. That's an important first step.
God bless!
Susan
God bless!
Susan
Yo, I remember taproot. I'd like to say "How ya doing?" Right? Could you imagine? You ain't doing too good ya poor soul.
Of course I have no majic answer, but you gotta have it. Ya got it somewhere in you. I heard once ya pick back up it can be the wrose and you just validated that. Althoug, man it's a miracle ya made it through school. You do NOT want to drop out last semester. NO WAY.
All I can tell ya is obviously yu DO CARE like ya said. You're caring I think like I did though more about family, finances, and all that. I could NOT get clean that way no how. WHY? WHY? WHY? Why are you using? That's the only thing got me clean. Once I knew that answer. BING. I been clean two years and six months on Sunday.
You know alot of times people say in the rooms and all that ya use cause it's great and ya love it and it feels good. Personally I do not believe that. That's just me though, and of course self-worth and all that stuff, but I used to cover up, hide, shove it all back down something just ate at me since I was 8. So, maybe you can take a look. Just a suggestion.
What are ya covering up that keeps ya going? Going back? If ya got the subs I think maybe ya can do the kick. Pretty wise to recognize the methadone clinic might not be your best bet, but no matter, man ya gotta do whatever it takes.
I'll say a big prayer for ya today although I ain't got no direct connection. Hang in there taproot. Don't give up. Ya came back on here so ya got some glimmer left in your taproot hinney.
*****Can ya round about keep completely out of the old neighborhood? That right there is brain chemistry I think. I KNOW if I had to pass the places I used to cop I'd a pickeed up at some point. I KNOW it. That's just habit and brain chemistry I think. Avoid that place like the plague. We're fortunate we don't live in it. At least I don't so that helps for me********* Hang on, man. You know you can do this. I don't want to see ya out in the cold eating out of the garbage.
Of course I have no majic answer, but you gotta have it. Ya got it somewhere in you. I heard once ya pick back up it can be the wrose and you just validated that. Althoug, man it's a miracle ya made it through school. You do NOT want to drop out last semester. NO WAY.
All I can tell ya is obviously yu DO CARE like ya said. You're caring I think like I did though more about family, finances, and all that. I could NOT get clean that way no how. WHY? WHY? WHY? Why are you using? That's the only thing got me clean. Once I knew that answer. BING. I been clean two years and six months on Sunday.
You know alot of times people say in the rooms and all that ya use cause it's great and ya love it and it feels good. Personally I do not believe that. That's just me though, and of course self-worth and all that stuff, but I used to cover up, hide, shove it all back down something just ate at me since I was 8. So, maybe you can take a look. Just a suggestion.
What are ya covering up that keeps ya going? Going back? If ya got the subs I think maybe ya can do the kick. Pretty wise to recognize the methadone clinic might not be your best bet, but no matter, man ya gotta do whatever it takes.
I'll say a big prayer for ya today although I ain't got no direct connection. Hang in there taproot. Don't give up. Ya came back on here so ya got some glimmer left in your taproot hinney.
*****Can ya round about keep completely out of the old neighborhood? That right there is brain chemistry I think. I KNOW if I had to pass the places I used to cop I'd a pickeed up at some point. I KNOW it. That's just habit and brain chemistry I think. Avoid that place like the plague. We're fortunate we don't live in it. At least I don't so that helps for me********* Hang on, man. You know you can do this. I don't want to see ya out in the cold eating out of the garbage.
Hi Taproot,
I'm so sorry to hear it about you. My daughter is in the same boat as you. I think she used to post to you on the board last year. Anyway, it's my opinion that long term treatment is the answer. But you/she has to really want it. Counseling too to find out why you started using in the 1st place. there must be underlying psychological things going on as well as heriditary stuff...
I wish you the best. Don't give up.
I'm so sorry to hear it about you. My daughter is in the same boat as you. I think she used to post to you on the board last year. Anyway, it's my opinion that long term treatment is the answer. But you/she has to really want it. Counseling too to find out why you started using in the 1st place. there must be underlying psychological things going on as well as heriditary stuff...
I wish you the best. Don't give up.
..Taproot..
..You've been through the whole process of detoxes..rehabs..meetings..etc etc..so i dunno what i can say really as you know what you have to do to get clean again..its not easy i know..i do really feel for ya and the predicament your in..you seem so lost and can,t see a way back..there is a way back but its gonna take all the strength you can muster to find yourself again..i really wish you the best in getting yourself clean and staying in recovery..Robbie..
..You've been through the whole process of detoxes..rehabs..meetings..etc etc..so i dunno what i can say really as you know what you have to do to get clean again..its not easy i know..i do really feel for ya and the predicament your in..you seem so lost and can,t see a way back..there is a way back but its gonna take all the strength you can muster to find yourself again..i really wish you the best in getting yourself clean and staying in recovery..Robbie..
Hey Bro
Sure I remember you. I guess you had another run (or 2) still in ya. Listen, if you have to use a mdone program to slow down and figure things out,I dont think there is any thing wrong with that.
However,you dont want to get it in your head that you have to be married to it. A lot of people do & that can be a mistake. Sounds like your getting close to being out of viable options though- - court,debt, family ready to give up on ya- -not good. At least your aware of these things and your concerned about the consequences.- Things can get better,but first you have to stop making them worse. Figure out whats best for you and just go with it.
All the best
Jack
Sure I remember you. I guess you had another run (or 2) still in ya. Listen, if you have to use a mdone program to slow down and figure things out,I dont think there is any thing wrong with that.
However,you dont want to get it in your head that you have to be married to it. A lot of people do & that can be a mistake. Sounds like your getting close to being out of viable options though- - court,debt, family ready to give up on ya- -not good. At least your aware of these things and your concerned about the consequences.- Things can get better,but first you have to stop making them worse. Figure out whats best for you and just go with it.
All the best
Jack
Hi Taproot,
I remember you and you were doing good, you care or else you wouldn't even be here my friend. Methadone okay it may not help you kick but it does get you out of the lifestyle the madness and the dealer hell and that's a big big plus.
k
I remember you and you were doing good, you care or else you wouldn't even be here my friend. Methadone okay it may not help you kick but it does get you out of the lifestyle the madness and the dealer hell and that's a big big plus.
k
Hi Stagger Lee,
Obviously, You're a Dead fan and we all gotta stick together. We're family! Everybody who's been addicted to a substance is like family too. We've defintely all shared the same experiences. Often, over and over and over again. It's good that you come back here when you need help. Sometimes, just talking to another "family member" can give that little push you need in the right direction. Good Luck! Methadone has it's good points and it's bad. As a last resort, you can't beat it. I felt like I had tried everything else and failed at all of it. At least, on methadone, I can hold a job and pay my bills. I'm not living in the streets and stealing so I can fix anymore. It's definetly an improvement. Everybody's different. You just gotta weigh your options. What's worked best in the passt? Maybe you can improve on it.
Peace,
Shirley
Obviously, You're a Dead fan and we all gotta stick together. We're family! Everybody who's been addicted to a substance is like family too. We've defintely all shared the same experiences. Often, over and over and over again. It's good that you come back here when you need help. Sometimes, just talking to another "family member" can give that little push you need in the right direction. Good Luck! Methadone has it's good points and it's bad. As a last resort, you can't beat it. I felt like I had tried everything else and failed at all of it. At least, on methadone, I can hold a job and pay my bills. I'm not living in the streets and stealing so I can fix anymore. It's definetly an improvement. Everybody's different. You just gotta weigh your options. What's worked best in the passt? Maybe you can improve on it.
Peace,
Shirley
Hello ..Shirley..been a while..im not a deadhead fan really but the ol name Stagger Lee..comes from the Clash song "wrong em boyo"..from the London Calling l.p.Maybe the G.dead used it also i dunno...just being a trainspotter really..Take care......Davey
"RIPPLE"
That's all I got to say.
That's all I got to say.
Hi ya' Davey,
Stagger Lee is also from a Dead song by that name. I'm a clash fan too. I like thier version of, "I fought The Law." (I don't know if that's the name of the song but you know what I'm talking about. You would like the Dead song. Trust me. And nobody can NOT like, "Ripple".
Peace,
Shirley
Stagger Lee is also from a Dead song by that name. I'm a clash fan too. I like thier version of, "I fought The Law." (I don't know if that's the name of the song but you know what I'm talking about. You would like the Dead song. Trust me. And nobody can NOT like, "Ripple".
Peace,
Shirley
Thanks..Shirley for puttin me right..ol Joe Strummer must have had a G.D influence.The L.P its on is LONDON CALLING..which was recorded in N.Y..79....Take care...Davey
