Ok--I owe so many apologies--to so many right now, I am sorry--that outburst wasnt me, it was the old me, man ill tell you no matter how long youve been away from lady chiva, it only takes a certain type of stress to sned you packin up all that recovery and achievement getting it ready to pawn to the heroin gods for one little shot of numbness--anything just so i dont have to feel this pain or this humiliation or this constant worry that no matter how i pray or how much i tlak to others and myself its still there like a wet moldy quilt weighing down my very existance, and i only allow myself enough brething space to be alive--its all within--i make these decisions--sure i have a disease, an affliction an addiction but it all boils down to what i decide (at least once you are past the withdrawal stage) if i decide i cannot ahndle it--i cannot--if i decide im going to walk tall and be proud of the accomplishments i have made--no-one can tear me down--unfortunatley i waver between them at deleriosly dangerous speed-up and down up and down.....i have a really hard time deciphering how much i am resposibl for--and how much im not...im usually like its all them or its all me--totally self--rightchous or totally self-depracating....i spent so many years living day to day fix to fix--i didnt care if i was clean i didnt care if i ate i didnt care what others thought...and now thats all different but going through programs and the na/aa circle taught me alot about taking responsibiltiy--i feel brainwashed almost into believing--everything that happens to me or my loved one that is negative is somehow my fault in one degree or another which makes it really hard to pick myself back up when i really felt i have been doing well--not my very best, but way better than i ever thoguht id do after the way i lived. thers alot of office politics involved, and i dont dare begin with that...i havent figures it out--not even sure what i think. I got my job back after a long conversation and promises im not sure ill keep, but if i dont--im done.....its so hard to need so much from others.....just when i think im doing ok---i find i have oh so mych more to learn--but is it worth the pain!!!!! so no--i didnt use, dont think i wouldve--but i wanted to--that was my first thought--after 4 years of not a needle in my arm--thats still the image that comes to mind when im in acute pain--amazing....so glad i have no connections at my immediate disposal--want mom, and bryn and concon to know how special your words were to me. and eckie and are too--all of you here--davey and gyac and zero and kev andbunbun and linz...wow what awesome people--i feel specail to be amongst these names....these beautifull beings who interact and care and ultimately understand---cant get that anywhere else but from another addict....all my love and respect.....like i said--shaken up....but ill be ok
good on ye amity,im proud of u,as ive said im relatively new to the site but just recently getting a friendship,bond whatever u want to call it,to be honest i dont even know how i found this site but im glad i did coz theres some special people on it who r straight on as soon as they feel your pain,so well done little miss a and i,ll clash with u pronto.all my love,,,eck,,,x
hey amity.. so glad things worked out and you didn't let a bad day get any badder.. as Con said I think a few of us are having work hassle at the minute.. I know I'm in for the 'talk' when I go back in on Monday next but hey these things have a way of working out..
Good on ya for sticking to your guns..
Arrie..
Good on ya for sticking to your guns..
Arrie..
Girl, you don't ever have to apologize for your feelings...the important piece is that you pulled it all together and fought the good fight. It's been awhile since I prayed that hard...I'm not much of a prayer, can't seem to hold my focus when I'm trying, but I held on for you this morning, honey.
Thanks for letting us know you're okay. Keep your chin up and don't let the rat race get you down...shi+ happens and it sux, but don't let anyone steal your dignity...you've worked way too hard for it and it's precious...no one can take from you that which you won't give away.
Keeping a good thought for you~M&M
Thanks for letting us know you're okay. Keep your chin up and don't let the rat race get you down...shi+ happens and it sux, but don't let anyone steal your dignity...you've worked way too hard for it and it's precious...no one can take from you that which you won't give away.
Keeping a good thought for you~M&M
Sister, my sister...........that's the most profound post you ever made.
"One little shot of numbness"
"Wet moldy quilt"
Amity, those words.............eight words.............just put it all in perspective for me..............and yourself............and bet many other people here...........see, how it works......................and man, I am so glad to see your name up here....I worried for ya all day, and freakin blew out some software program or something..........LOL...........install............heck no stop it..........stop I gotta check the Board.............I was clicking all kinds of nonsense......LOL!
Like M&M said don't ever apologize and you don't got to be sorry to us..........you have people who care and adore ya..........because you deserve that from the good you do...........of course, but simply because you're Amity.......anything bad and your brainwashing........pssssh, bad things happen to good people Amity..........and say that cyclone it comes down on your head............how many people are dead from that cyclone............you thing ALL them people deserved that because they did something bad.........I doubt it honey...............if that makes sense.
Sending ya hugs and love and thanks for keeping it green for all of us..........yepper, after four years..............I hear after fifteen years or more it's there...............and you chose not to...............and I am so glad you made that choice.............cause girl I had visions of ya felled out someplace all alone..........naw, never, ever are you gone out like that.............none of us are if I can help it.
Thinking of you and like M&M said thank you for letting us know you are alright........cause I done had already busted up this thing trying a disk from my new camera.................and then I'm hitting stop........cancel.........LOL!
Story of our lives..............STOP CANCEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"One little shot of numbness"
"Wet moldy quilt"
Amity, those words.............eight words.............just put it all in perspective for me..............and yourself............and bet many other people here...........see, how it works......................and man, I am so glad to see your name up here....I worried for ya all day, and freakin blew out some software program or something..........LOL...........install............heck no stop it..........stop I gotta check the Board.............I was clicking all kinds of nonsense......LOL!
Like M&M said don't ever apologize and you don't got to be sorry to us..........you have people who care and adore ya..........because you deserve that from the good you do...........of course, but simply because you're Amity.......anything bad and your brainwashing........pssssh, bad things happen to good people Amity..........and say that cyclone it comes down on your head............how many people are dead from that cyclone............you thing ALL them people deserved that because they did something bad.........I doubt it honey...............if that makes sense.
Sending ya hugs and love and thanks for keeping it green for all of us..........yepper, after four years..............I hear after fifteen years or more it's there...............and you chose not to...............and I am so glad you made that choice.............cause girl I had visions of ya felled out someplace all alone..........naw, never, ever are you gone out like that.............none of us are if I can help it.
Thinking of you and like M&M said thank you for letting us know you are alright........cause I done had already busted up this thing trying a disk from my new camera.................and then I'm hitting stop........cancel.........LOL!
Story of our lives..............STOP CANCEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey girl. I have been away for a couple of days and just caught your posts. The mom in me wants to reach out and hold you and to tell you that you are not responsible for the world, only your decisions in it. The adult in me wants to tell you that you need to take the oppertunity to step back, take a look around, see where your responsibilities lay and step up and be responsible for them. The friend in me wants to tell you that this is the prime time for you to get yourself in school in August.
Now, you decide who you need right now....the mom, the adult, or the friend....and you can even have all 3 of me at the same time....the adult mom that is your friend! You need to let me know how to get ahold of you so that I can walk you through the school financial aid application process. I have tried to send several e-mails to the address you sent but I don't think you are getting them. Please e-mail me directly at c1sign@cox.net or to c1sign@alltel.blackberry.com. I have a work e-mail address that I can give you to use as a back-up (will give it to you later).
Please remember that you were there for me when my son was in the hospital and I am so proud of you for making the decision to get clean and for taking the actions necessary to make that a reality!
Waiting to hear from you!
cyndi
Now, you decide who you need right now....the mom, the adult, or the friend....and you can even have all 3 of me at the same time....the adult mom that is your friend! You need to let me know how to get ahold of you so that I can walk you through the school financial aid application process. I have tried to send several e-mails to the address you sent but I don't think you are getting them. Please e-mail me directly at c1sign@cox.net or to c1sign@alltel.blackberry.com. I have a work e-mail address that I can give you to use as a back-up (will give it to you later).
Please remember that you were there for me when my son was in the hospital and I am so proud of you for making the decision to get clean and for taking the actions necessary to make that a reality!
Waiting to hear from you!
cyndi
I am always so amazed at the relief I feel when someone here makes it through. Thank You Amity...thank you for being tough and teaching us all how to do it the right way....HUGE relief vibes to you :)
no words....thanks guys, you are so special to me--works hard right now, but at least im still here.....someone had it out for me, but it turned around in the end....i have some work to do on myself (as usual) i have to get stronger and more sure of amity....man i am so blessed to have people who listen..i feel that i belong here with all of you, and thats not something that i feel often...concon--thanks you are so special--will u adopt me :) LOL and bryn...well u know how i feel about you...
