On Monday, 12 June, 2006, I made a list, while still drinking, which was my first attempt at "fearless MORAL inventory" Some of them are scary now, and I don't like the flood of memories, but in the interests of honesty and growth, this is it:
I'd like to get rid of the questionable stuff in my life.
I'd like to quit making excuses for not writing.
I want to praise my children more--and apologize to them for complicating their lives.
Grocery storesome punk judging me for being hungover?
I'm sorry for anything sinful that I've done and ask MY Higher Power for forgiveness.
I'm not a cheater and I'm not bad.
I wish I could be more tolerant of others.
I don't like being angry when I'm driving--I think every one else is a poor driver.
I keep telling myself I want to be healthy but I never act on it.
I'm a snob.
I've had hallucinations and horrible shakes--I remember hanging some towel racks--damned near scared myself
Money - $140/wk EASYand thats just the direct expenditure.
Hangovers--every single day!
Lack of motivation--laziness, extra days off spent curled up on the couch
Can't eat lots of food
Throat is acting upthinking about cancer of the esophagus from drinking/smoking
Bowel movements and acidic stomach are intolerable--can't take enough Immodium
Disappointment in myself for not being able to control my drinking
My memory is spotty at best.
My eyes always burn and look jaundiced
My chest hurts--bronchial tubes--which I think is caused by dehydration
Remember looking at _____ (member of staff)? He LOOKED like he was dying. (He died about a month before this was written)
It's called drinking, not partying. Partying is for young people.
I'd like to ask God to take my bad stuff away--and don't let me take it back.
I should contribute more at work.
I'm a good daddy, father, and husband.
I am cruel to myself--and I don't understand why.
I want to quit smoking.
I need more humility.
Two (at least) large bottles of wine a day. 2 liter bottles.
I didn't like the way my skin was turning color.
My temperature doesnt regulate well.
Early morning trips to several grocery stores all over the city, then driving around for hours.
Smashed by 10.
Very low blood sugaror binging on sugars after stopping drinking.
Taking a WEEK to recover from a binge.
"If we (alcoholics) were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison. "
Constant flagellation and brooding. I've begun to realize that my own worst enemy is ME!
Ive begun visiting online forums and websites because it seems to be workingand maintains the Anonymous part of Alcoholics Anonymous. Its been two days and Im scarednot of what may come, but what may happen again. Ive begun to realize that I cant control this beast and, as much as Id like to, I can never have another drink because it wont be just one. Itll be all of em. Again. As I said, I got very, very good at drinkingand pretending I was okay.
Gidday Skg
The only list i could have written while still drinking was a mental list of how i was going to drink more and get away with it without dying and i did have a list now i think of it and it was a comparrison to my father and every year i ticked more and more things that he done.
The day i stopped is the day i started living life on lifes terms.
I do not think i could of written a list as the guilt and self loathing that alcohol helped me with greatly would of headed me in the direction of death as an option, which it usually did when i drank and i can only thank god and blackout that i did not suceed.
Good on you Skg your gratitude is a great strength
light and love Zac
The only list i could have written while still drinking was a mental list of how i was going to drink more and get away with it without dying and i did have a list now i think of it and it was a comparrison to my father and every year i ticked more and more things that he done.
The day i stopped is the day i started living life on lifes terms.
I do not think i could of written a list as the guilt and self loathing that alcohol helped me with greatly would of headed me in the direction of death as an option, which it usually did when i drank and i can only thank god and blackout that i did not suceed.
Good on you Skg your gratitude is a great strength
light and love Zac
Hello All~
Sometimes I feel like my inventory is so long and overwhelming that I run through it constantly, beating myself up instead of doing anything productive with it. Then reading this post I realized it's supposed to have some GOOD stuff in it, too. I mean, yeesh, I DO have a few positive qualities. Thanks for that reminder.
Several months ago I downloaded this and shared it with my daughter because my fearless moral inventory forced me to recognize that these were ALL of the things I was doing, often and loudly.
The Twelve Steps of Remaining in Coependent Non-Recovery
author unknown
1. We admitted we were powerless over nothing, that we would manage our lives perfectly and those of anyone else who would allow us to.
2. Came to believe there was no power greater than ourselves and the rest of the world was insane.
3. Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their will and their lives over to our care, even though they couldn't understand us.
4 Made a searching moral and immoral inventory of everyone we knew.
5. Admitted to the whole world the exact nature of everyone else's wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.
7. Demanded others to either shape up or ship out.
8 Made a list of all persons who had harmed us and became willing to go to any length to get even with them all.
9. Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible, except when to do so would cost us our lives, or at the very least a jail sentence.
10. Continued to take inventory of others, and when they were wrong promptly and repeatedly told them about it.
11. Sought through complaining and nagging to improve our relations with others as we couldn't understand them, asking only that they knuckle under and do it our way.
12. Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all of our affairs.
Gone (for the most part) are those days, but like everyone else, I am a work in progress.
Peace y'all~MomNMore
Sometimes I feel like my inventory is so long and overwhelming that I run through it constantly, beating myself up instead of doing anything productive with it. Then reading this post I realized it's supposed to have some GOOD stuff in it, too. I mean, yeesh, I DO have a few positive qualities. Thanks for that reminder.
Several months ago I downloaded this and shared it with my daughter because my fearless moral inventory forced me to recognize that these were ALL of the things I was doing, often and loudly.
The Twelve Steps of Remaining in Coependent Non-Recovery
author unknown
1. We admitted we were powerless over nothing, that we would manage our lives perfectly and those of anyone else who would allow us to.
2. Came to believe there was no power greater than ourselves and the rest of the world was insane.
3. Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their will and their lives over to our care, even though they couldn't understand us.
4 Made a searching moral and immoral inventory of everyone we knew.
5. Admitted to the whole world the exact nature of everyone else's wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.
7. Demanded others to either shape up or ship out.
8 Made a list of all persons who had harmed us and became willing to go to any length to get even with them all.
9. Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible, except when to do so would cost us our lives, or at the very least a jail sentence.
10. Continued to take inventory of others, and when they were wrong promptly and repeatedly told them about it.
11. Sought through complaining and nagging to improve our relations with others as we couldn't understand them, asking only that they knuckle under and do it our way.
12. Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all of our affairs.
Gone (for the most part) are those days, but like everyone else, I am a work in progress.
Peace y'all~MomNMore
OMG!
LOL
I KNOW that person!
Thanks--a journey down memory lane...
LOL
I KNOW that person!
Thanks--a journey down memory lane...
