I know I have posted different snippets of what has been going on. My head and my heart have been ramped up and going like a 100 mph.
I want to start at the beginning. We live an hour away from each other and I always had school and work so it wasn't easy seeing each other everyday. we had made a plan to alternate weekends. When we 1st started dating he was great! Surprised gifts and flowers, love letters. But he started missing his home (NY), he had just recently moved a few months before we started talking. As our relationship grew closer and closer he told me about his past of smoking pot and that he was still doing it on a off. I didn't mind at 1st but when he failed drug test to a job, I wanted him to quit. Little by little his anxiety started to get the better of him. He didn't like social gathering and just wanted to stay home and have quality time. Which I am the opposite, I like to go to parties and be with people, but I changed to avoid stuff like that. He started using anti depressants and anxiety medication but some would work and others wouldn't. As the years passed I just accepted it, meanwhile he was still smoking pot!
Years continued and we grew closer, he was in and out of jobs because he couldn't hold one down cause of his anxiety. We reach 2012 (where everything started going down hill)! His dad died and he had a knee injury. He felt good when he was on his pain pills (Tramodol). So even if he didn't need it he would take it cause it made him happy. For two years I didn't know that he was taking pills to be happy, he would also take more than prescribed Ambians in the years prior. He wouldn't remember any of conversations at night. When he told me he was on pills I was hurt and didn't know what to do or anything I just accepted it (i was stupid about these things). I would even go with him to get his pills. It went from Trams to Oxy and other pain pills. Again I just closed my eyes to what was happening and just accepted it. I just wanted him happy! I would lend him money for pills, bills and rent. I never batted an eye, I just gave it to him.
But when he kept asking for money I still gave it to him, but I would get mad and told him he needed to stop this s***. It wasn't fair. He tried to get clean and he was at 16mg of Suboxene and Xanax. I was at the brink of breaking up with him, it was either me or pills. So he shaped up and started to get clean of the pain pills but he said he needed the Xanax to sleep. Little by little he tapered off of the Subs and we were doing good, at least I thought we were. We skip over to the end of 2013. He had a great job, but it was taking a lot of his time and for months we couldn't see each other. Mind you.. all of 2013 I would be the one driving up to see him. The beginning 2014 Comes and I would just see him a few times and only for an hour or so when before it was like 6 or 7 hours together. All he cam down for was to borrow money for rent. That really hurt me that the only time he would come down was to get money. Meanwhile behind my back he was talking to some other chick!
Fast Forward to July 2014, he got into a bad car accident that he almost died and I raced to see him and be by his side. While I had his stuff the other girl texted him! So when I looked at his phone I saw text messages between him and his best friend about this girl.I wanted to leave him right than and there cause it hurt soo much that after 9.5 years he would do this to me. But his mom said to forgive him cause he wasn't in the right state of mind. So again I did but I never forgot! I questioned him about it and he said nothing ever happened it was just talking.
So all of 2014 I have been the one to drive up cause he was recovering, and of course he was on pain meds. The doctors didn't prescribe any narcotics because of his history so he went to anybody or any place to get what he needed. So he would get violent and punch stuff and break stuff cause he couldn't get his pills. So he got what he wanted, and back to taking pills. I told him that I can't handle much more and he swore this was it! So I accepted it. This time it felt different, he was going to nar- anon twice a week, was back on Suboxene and tapering off pretty good. He neglected to tell me he was still on Xanax, I figured he was because he would pass out and not know how he got to bed or why he slept.I kept telling him to stop taking it. In Oct of 2014 he was so depressed that he over medicated on Xanax, and when I saw him he couldn't keep his eyes open. From that moment I told him he cant do this anymore. Again he promised me he wouldn't. That was the last time I saw him.
We would talk every day and I told him I wanted him to drive down to me for a change, he kept saying yes but than made excuses. He than told me that he was focused on getting cleaned, so I said ok because I was not going through this cycle again. So 7 months have passed, he tapered his Suboxene to 0.125 mg every other day, going to out-patient rehab every day. I couldn't be prouder! He was still on Xanax, even though he had told me he wasn't taking them. 2 weeks ago, he got so angry that he didn't have his Xanax that he started punching walls and cursing up a storm, and the cops were called on him because he was getting so violent. He was hospitalized for 2 days and he said that during his stay he realized what an a** he has been and the mistakes and people hes hurt. He promised me one more time that he wasn't going to take it. Since he got released a week and a half hes been on non narcotic medication. He seems great! Just like the guy I fell in love with.
Here is my dilemma: I love him more than anything but I'm scared he's going to relapse again. I've been with him for almost 11 years. In the back of my head I can't forget all the lies, the cheat and stuff hes pulled. Countless times he's said he wanted to kill himself, or rob people to get money, he's pawned stuff over and over again. I just don't know what to do anymore. When he got hospitalized, i felt like that was my breaking point. I told him I wanted a break and try for a month, but we still text and talk. Even now when I ask him if he remembers stuff from the past, he says he doesn't remeber much just bits and pieces. I hate having to put everything out in the open but I just don't know what to do. Should I stay or go? I will always love him and he is my best friend. These last 4 years have been hell! I don't want to hurt him but I'm tired of all the fights we had and when I try to end it or talk about it I feel guilty. Any advice will be helpful. I'm tired of crying. I'm even considering going to a therapist. Thanks for letting me vent! Just so depressed and unhappy, I just don't know I love him so much!
Dear Hopeless Love,
What you describe is a typical pattern of addiction.
Here's what I suggest: Get yourself into a Family Support Program immediately. I suggest this, whether you have a romantic future with this person or not.
Al Anon and NAR Anon are free. They are in the telephone book, listings online, etc. There should be a meeting near you.
Go to a meeting. Usually the meeting will include a time when people are asked if they are willing to sponsor. Look for people raising their hands, and then go select on.
You are in what is called a codependent situation.
You need to be happy and healthy, whether the addict in your life is sober or not.
You are no good to anyone in your life, unless you are as healthy as possible.
Please post back if you have questions.
Good Luck,
Flyboy
What you describe is a typical pattern of addiction.
Here's what I suggest: Get yourself into a Family Support Program immediately. I suggest this, whether you have a romantic future with this person or not.
Al Anon and NAR Anon are free. They are in the telephone book, listings online, etc. There should be a meeting near you.
Go to a meeting. Usually the meeting will include a time when people are asked if they are willing to sponsor. Look for people raising their hands, and then go select on.
You are in what is called a codependent situation.
You need to be happy and healthy, whether the addict in your life is sober or not.
You are no good to anyone in your life, unless you are as healthy as possible.
Please post back if you have questions.
Good Luck,
Flyboy
Why would I need a sponsor? Just curious. Never been to any meetings like this.
That is a good question.
At first, you don't need one. Don't feel pressured at all.
The reason I strongly suggest a sponsor is that codepenents follow their own 12-step process - similar to that of AA or NA.
The first step centers around "we came to realize we are powerless over someone else's addiction."
Working these steps will relieve you of the helplessness, anxiety, worry, etc. You will learn to be reasonably happy, joyous, and free.
It is very helpful to have an experienced person guide you. They will describe, in detail, what things used to be like; what happened; and how things are bettter now.
I know many people who have re-claimed the serenity and sanity due to these type of programs.
The point is - please do not try to take this upon your own. Get help. There are millions of us around the world who have found a better way to live.
I hope this helps - be glad to message back.
Also, there are REAL good people on this message board. They will have good input too.
At first, you don't need one. Don't feel pressured at all.
The reason I strongly suggest a sponsor is that codepenents follow their own 12-step process - similar to that of AA or NA.
The first step centers around "we came to realize we are powerless over someone else's addiction."
Working these steps will relieve you of the helplessness, anxiety, worry, etc. You will learn to be reasonably happy, joyous, and free.
It is very helpful to have an experienced person guide you. They will describe, in detail, what things used to be like; what happened; and how things are bettter now.
I know many people who have re-claimed the serenity and sanity due to these type of programs.
The point is - please do not try to take this upon your own. Get help. There are millions of us around the world who have found a better way to live.
I hope this helps - be glad to message back.
Also, there are REAL good people on this message board. They will have good input too.
Thank you for the info. I never thought that I had a problem. I just thought it was because I cared too much. I did check out a place that i'm looking into going. Not in a million years did I ever think I would be put in this situation. We were suppose to get married a few years ago.
Flyboy: I've decided to take your advice and I'm actually going to see a psychologist. I've read up on co-dependency and its like I'm reading about me.
Just to give you an update mybf/ex (idk) has been drug free for 2 whole weeks. Right now were on a break so lets see what happens.
Just to give you an update mybf/ex (idk) has been drug free for 2 whole weeks. Right now were on a break so lets see what happens.
