My 23 year old son was arrested for a DUI with crack, heroin & pills in his system. He's currently wearing an alcohol ankle monitor & does random drug testing. It's been two months & he's stayed clean. Grateful for that.
My post is not about him, it's about myself. I am so very very angry & mad & depressed. I was a damn good mother. He had a good childhood, not perfect but very good. I did the homework with him, attended the games, read up on parenting books etc etc & after all that I'm caring for him again by driving him to drug tests & court dates & work.
I'm pissed off & embarrassed.
My anger has extended to hating everyone's children. I used to adore children but when this happened I now hate them all. My boyfriend has 2 kids, aged 8 & 9. They're good kids & I love them but now I feel like I can't stand them around. He brags about his kids drawings & achievements just like any proud father would, and it makes me angry. I think oh, how great for you. So nice your children are absolutely perfect. Let me know how it goes when you find out they're drugged out addicts. Bet you won't be bragging then. Yeah, I used to brag too, be sooo proud of my son. Let me know how it feels when your kid is a druggie bc I don't give a damn about your kids stupid picture she drew. Thanks for shoving in my face how perfect your kids are.
His sister & their husband just had a baby. I don't want to see the baby or see their perfect picket fence family. Nice you have a perfect baby, let me know how perfect it is once you find out that baby is a druggie later in life. You're not so perfect after all are you?
I don't want to visit the baby bc I'm too busy driving my own damn kid to drug tests & court dates. Thanks though. Thanks for the invite.
I sound like a complete b****, I'm sure anyone who reads this will think no wonder her kid is on drugs, she's a b****. I assure you I was not this way until this happened. Everyone has said the one thing I have is a kind & giving heart. Not anymore. After all this I basically don't give a damn & the last thing I want to see is everyone's perfect children & perfect families.
All I can think is why be a kind person? Why be a good mother? Where does it get you? Driving to drug tests, going to court dates & being embarrassed when people hear about it & shake their damn heads like I'm the terrible parent. Perhaps I was. All that time thinking I'm doing a good job & now it's quite clear I screwed up & the whole world gets to see. Enjoy your perfect families & perfect children & stop shoving them in my face.
Has anyone felt this way, no idea if it's normal but it's the way I feel
I cannot afford counseling so please don't suggest that. I don't want to go to free group meetings bc it's bad enough I have to show my face in public, the last thing I want to do is tell the world my business.
At least I can hopefully talk to someone on here anonymously.
I used to feel like you do. I was sad, mad & embarrassed. But then, I started speaking to people in Naranon and doing research. I realized this is now my life. My Dean's list/straight A student who had a career is no longer here. This disease is a family disease. It takes us to places we never thought we would go. I had to tell my daughter that I love more then life itself to leave my home. You must set boundaries. Do it for yourself, your Son & the rest of the family. It may be the only peace you find.
Hi, I know it probably doesn't feel like it but it's good your son has a monitor and going for drug tests. If it keeps him off drugs long enough maybe he'll stay clean. I hope he does but going through this is helping. I am hurt, angry, sad. On different days I feel different feelings. I ve put up with this for 17 yrs. My kid was 17 yrs old when she started doing heroin. Last time she went on a binge it was crack/cocaine. I feel like she has a terminal illness. It's just a matter of time. I did what you did, the reading at night, the homework, Barbies,the tea parties, everything a good parent should do and I loved it. My kid was a straight "A" student too. It doesn't matter what they were. Their peers caused this or lack of willpower caused it. I don't know! But I won't take the blame for it anymore because I know I was a good mother. You were and still are a good mother! It's okay that your embarrassed, we all are. But you did nothing to cause this and should stop blaming yourself. I did the same wondering where I went wrong etc. Then I read on here where someone wrote a post with "The 3 C's " and something inside my brain just clicked and I finally got it. 1. You didn't cause this. 2. You can't control it. 3. You can't cure it. When I get to thinking guilty I stop it and will say the three C's to myself and it really does help me. I still get those days when I get sad that I have been robbed of having a normal relationship with my daughter. No mother and daughter days anymore. I hate she's an addict and I really don't see that child I use to know and love in her anymore. It's a girl who has hardened and is paranoid with no confidence thinning hair and a face that is older than her years because of the drugs and the life she has lead. All I can say is God help them all. So I say to you. Stop taking the blame and all those feelings you have are no different from what I feel. So your not alone! Those people who look down their noses at us mothers don't have a clue. I never tell anyone because of how we are judged. I talk on here and these are the people I confide in and can trust to understand what my life is like. Stay on this website it will help you. I will watch for you again and be here if you need me. We will all get through this together! Take care and God bless. Mary.
Angryandmad -- I understand!! I was saying the same things today. We were not a perfect family, but we were a good family. The homework, the friends, birthdays, holidays. We were happy. We supported our kids physically, emotionally, financially. I look back, and I have absolutely no clue what I could have done differently that would have made a difference. I dont' understand how two kids, only a few years apart in age, are so different. One is successful, living with a girlfriend, happy, travels, saves money, drives a new car, is getting his master's degree. The other is battling this horrible addiction one day at a time. And is waiting for a bed at a detox as I write this.
I don't want to hear about people's kids, either. Young kids, I think, wait - mine was just like yours, and look how his life has turned out. Older kids (my son's age) - I don't want to hear about someone else's great job, or upcoming wedding, or that he's buying a house ...
I get it.
I dont' want to socialize. I have only been talking to one friend with any regularity. I can't remember the last time I went for dinner with friends. I can't stand to be around these happy people who have no clue about the pain, guilt, etc. that I deal with every day.
I don't want to hear about people's kids, either. Young kids, I think, wait - mine was just like yours, and look how his life has turned out. Older kids (my son's age) - I don't want to hear about someone else's great job, or upcoming wedding, or that he's buying a house ...
I get it.
I dont' want to socialize. I have only been talking to one friend with any regularity. I can't remember the last time I went for dinner with friends. I can't stand to be around these happy people who have no clue about the pain, guilt, etc. that I deal with every day.
Mandm is right, stay on here and we will all help, encourage and support each other in these hard times of ours. Don't ever think your all alone at this. Because you're not. And keep having hope and faith. Not despair and shame. Itll all get better.
15 days...15 long, horrifying days since my daughter revealed that she has been using heroin for the past 6 months. She has 2 boys under the age of 6. Nearly 7 yrs ago she went thru inpatient rehab for i.v. oxycontin addiction and I thought that was bad. Seems she needed to outdo her last screw up. I am BEYOND FURIOUS. I am struggling with the anger and resentment over what she has done and is doing to herself, to her boys, to her brother and to me and her dad. She completed a 4 day medical detox, and is on prescription meds to help her with the withdrawals (not methadone, she's on a blood pressure med that helps mask the symptoms of withdrawal). My son, her brother, just finished his soph yr of high school, and now, thanks to her stupidity, I have her and her 5 yr old son living in my house full time, and her younger almost 3 yr old on weekends. Our lives are turned upside down. Due to her being high, she injured her knee to the point where she is basically unable to walk, let alone work to support herself or her kids. I realize it's great that she confessed to the mess she's made of her life and seems to want to get clean, but it still angers me that instead of dealing with her problems, she CHOSE to turn to heroin to hide from them. I've spent HOURS with her at ER's watching her withdrawal from this disgusting drug and can't for the life of me understand why anyone would ever think it was a good idea...she has lost EIGHT 'friends' to overdose or death due to consequences of drugs. It's mind boggling.
T J mom. , I understand your anger. But if she is really serious about getting clean and remaining abstinence then just try to think of the bigger picture. As long as she's determined to get clean then try not to show her your anger. That right there may cause her to feel ashamed and guilty and that's enough of a reason for her to run back to the drug. We don't want that. If possible, try to give her a little encouragement on her progress with her sobriety. Just to help her feel better inside and know your not as mad at her and are more happy for her now to be doing what's right ! Because the faster she gets better then the faster she can give you back your home. Good luck and sorry if I made u upset by what I was saying.
Hi TJ, I agree with Babylove. You have every right to feel the way you do. But now you need to hide it from her or she will just use your anger as an excuse to go use heroin again. I think it's great she felt she could come to you and admit she was back using again. That's a good thing because many won't. The parents are usually the last to know. So you obviously are a wonderful caring mom. Heroin Is an opiate so if she was using opiates years ago then she is back to them again. This might just be a relapse. She may have thought she could have went back and just tried it again and then walk away. But not with heroin! Or any opiate for that matter. I am the mother of a drug addict who has been one now for 17 yrs.I am also raising my grandchild of 9. I've had her for 7 yrs now. This is a hard drug to quit and once quit, hard to stay away from. But people do get clean and stay away from it everyday. Look how well she did staying off it for 7 yrs. That took strength! You hang in there and take care. We're all here to support you and help you if we can. God bless, Mary.
Angryandmad- I hear you loud and clear!! It's graduation season around here. My 20 y.o. daughter's friends, neighbors and classmates are graduating from college this year and next. She dropped out in her junior year and went to FL for rehab. I am so embarrassed. What do you say to folks about what she is doing? You can't tell the truth. So I just politely say that she is taking a hiatus from college. When she was growing up, I worked but I made sure I never missed a school play, parent teacher conference or dance recital. I did the birthday parties, family vacations, Girl Scouts, church, cheerleading, gymanstics, boarding school, private school, etc, etc. She was on the honor roll, received an academic scholarship to college. And. . .you know what?? NONE OF IT MATTERED!!! Why? Because SHE made a choice.
I understand that their choice has and is affecting you. I am at that point too. I feel like her addiction has sucked out everything sweet, light and positive in me. I am jealous of my friends who have college aged kids who are successful and are attacking life. And, I, too, wonder about younger children. I wish I had magic words to make both of us feel better. All I do is pray, for my peace of mind, and for the security in knowing that I did my best raising my daughter. I will pray for you, too. But do keep visiting and sharing here.
I understand that their choice has and is affecting you. I am at that point too. I feel like her addiction has sucked out everything sweet, light and positive in me. I am jealous of my friends who have college aged kids who are successful and are attacking life. And, I, too, wonder about younger children. I wish I had magic words to make both of us feel better. All I do is pray, for my peace of mind, and for the security in knowing that I did my best raising my daughter. I will pray for you, too. But do keep visiting and sharing here.
I discovered that the more I shared with others, the more I found how kind others are. No one judged us. We were a 'normal' family with a troubled, addicted daughter. Addicts are everywhere...they are not who people think they are...take any ten families and you'll turn up an addict in at least one of them. And your parenting DID matter...he has the tools, the background, the love, to do the next right thing.
Your son threw a switch in his brain when he tried something he should not have tried, he didn't decide to be an addict...no one decides that, the brain decides that. Being embarrassed that he is an addict is only hurting you and keeping you from getting the support you need. This board is good, but face-to-face is where the real help is. You need tools to deal with your anger and the understanding of those who been here before you.
I, too, felt cheated of the normal parent-child stuff...she never graduated high school, never went to college, and ended up a single mother (but a really GREAT single mother - I'm very proud of the person she is). I used to look at other kids and think, "Why can't I have that?" And I did have it with my other daughter, who had to live the turmoil of her sister's addiction...but I wanted it with my eldest, too...wanted all those wonderful milestones. Now, 8 years later...pfffft...I don't care a bit.
Don't if you don't want to. There's no mandate that makes you responsible for the negative outcomes of an adult. He is an adult and the more he has to be responsible for himself, the better for him. Addicts are very resourceful people...they have no trouble getting drugs...they can be equally resourceful about getting to court and drug testing dates. Anything that fills you with that much resentment is unhealthy for both of you.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Your son threw a switch in his brain when he tried something he should not have tried, he didn't decide to be an addict...no one decides that, the brain decides that. Being embarrassed that he is an addict is only hurting you and keeping you from getting the support you need. This board is good, but face-to-face is where the real help is. You need tools to deal with your anger and the understanding of those who been here before you.
I, too, felt cheated of the normal parent-child stuff...she never graduated high school, never went to college, and ended up a single mother (but a really GREAT single mother - I'm very proud of the person she is). I used to look at other kids and think, "Why can't I have that?" And I did have it with my other daughter, who had to live the turmoil of her sister's addiction...but I wanted it with my eldest, too...wanted all those wonderful milestones. Now, 8 years later...pfffft...I don't care a bit.
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| I don't want to visit the baby bc I'm too busy driving my own damn kid to drug tests & court dates. |
Don't if you don't want to. There's no mandate that makes you responsible for the negative outcomes of an adult. He is an adult and the more he has to be responsible for himself, the better for him. Addicts are very resourceful people...they have no trouble getting drugs...they can be equally resourceful about getting to court and drug testing dates. Anything that fills you with that much resentment is unhealthy for both of you.
Peace ~ MomNMore
I too am angry, depressed and hope I have done the right thing....I have dealt with my daughters addictions for 19 yrs-13 mos at group home at 17 after multiple arrests for positive drug tests while on probation, 3 years prison (2 felony convictions) ! Have raised and had custody of her now 11 tear old son who I love and will protect at any cost-did I mention I am 60 yrs old and an RN x 40 yrs working full time and single.....6 was after getting out of prison she had a massive stroke at age 31. I have been caring for her and her son the whole time since then + my mother for 9 yrs before her death 12/14. She has recovered to the point she can walk with a cane but no use of her left arm. I kicked her out 11/14 due to stealing my dying mother's pain meds while she was home on hospice-she died 2 weeks later from terminal Alzheimers, with me by her side. When she was hospitalized for seizures that I later found out we're to Xanax withdrawal, I let her come back. Since then she has been followed by a psychiatrist to wean her off Xanax, but still on heavy doses and Klonopin. I caught her smoking pot in my house x 3 with her child here, and called the police x 3, but they would do nothing because "we don't want to take care of her". I have to block my phone at work so she will not call me constantly. About a month ago she started harassing me for money because she spends her disability check within 36 hrs. Was texting people 2 states away to let me know she had an emergency and to call her. When I did x3 it was always "I need $40." I finally took matters in my own hands and had the police remove her from my house 12 days ago. She went to the ER as she had no place to stay. When they said they were discharging her, she said she was going to blow her brains out. Of course this is the hospital I work at as a Nurse Manager. (She has been involuntarily committed twice before, so knows what to say to have a place to sleep and food). a week ago they transferred her to psych hospital. They are trying to find somewhere to go but she refuses to go. She keeps manipulating the staff to call me and I blew up at them today after 2 calls.....
This is so hard but I must protect that child and I HAVE HAD IT!!! She will be 36 in July. I have had more peace in the last 12 days than I have had in 19 yrs. her son has not even asked where she is and is a more happy, active boy. Forget her father-he will not take her but is happy to talk to her and then relay her requests for what I need to bring her!!!!!! Blew him out too...
I have left out a lot but these are the highlights. I am exhausted but cannot hold firm without it being 100%!!!No contact. A pastor told me there comes a time when you have save yourself-I am there!!!! And to care for her son.
Thoughts? Am I doing the right thing? I have prayed for help and strength but still have my weak moments then depression...no one to talk to that really can understand.
This is so hard but I must protect that child and I HAVE HAD IT!!! She will be 36 in July. I have had more peace in the last 12 days than I have had in 19 yrs. her son has not even asked where she is and is a more happy, active boy. Forget her father-he will not take her but is happy to talk to her and then relay her requests for what I need to bring her!!!!!! Blew him out too...
I have left out a lot but these are the highlights. I am exhausted but cannot hold firm without it being 100%!!!No contact. A pastor told me there comes a time when you have save yourself-I am there!!!! And to care for her son.
Thoughts? Am I doing the right thing? I have prayed for help and strength but still have my weak moments then depression...no one to talk to that really can understand.
Angryandmad, I understand exactly how you feel. When I learned my 30 yr old son was arrested for buying heroine recently I was shocked, in denial, furious, hurt, deceived, guilty, ashamed, sad to tears daily. I couldn't believe it, kind of still don't even though I hired the lawyer and am currently driving him to court ordered drug classes. How could this happen to a child who had a wonderful life? Only child, college grad, newly married, loving parents, excellent job. He claims its from prescription Vicodin from his kidney stones two years ago. He got addicted and needed a stronger drug so found heroine in another state through the grapevine. If I knew who provided him, I would be in jail. So angry this stuff is so available everywhere. I know it was my son's bad decision to seek it out, he is not off the hook. I just don't know what the next step is. I'm afraid I'm being naive and enabling giving money, paying bills, etc. I still cry, but not as much and the anger is exhausting. I know things will never be the same and I hate that.
Hello everyone.
I feel so validated when I read your posts. I am at the end of my rope. I cannot believe everything that has transpired over the last couple of months. My youngest, daughter, overdosed on fentanyl that she thought was heroin. Almost lost her. She quit breathing, her lips were blue. Her boyfriend breathed air into her lungs then the rescue squad got there & gave her narc-am (sp?) . I committed her overnight to which she responded by sitting up in the ER & telling me that she f-ing hated me. I'll never forget the look on her face. To top it all off, it was Mother's Day.
She's got 4 AA/NA meetings a week, a psychologist, counselor & sub clinic each week. Yet, she acts as though & says we are "mean" and don't support her or congratulate her on how well she's doing. Well, all I can say (in my head & to my husband) to that is she shouldn't have been doing this crap to begin with! Why should I congratulate her!?
She had a 4.3 gpa, a full ride to college...gone. Lost her job as a waitress not showing up, high when she did etc...., and spent a $1500 school loan (for books) on heroin in just over a month.
We are all so entitled to be mad as e! We all did good jobs raising our kids. If we were bad we wouldn't be on here trying to get answers. None of us are perfect, no one on earth is!
Don't feel guilty or ashamed. I feel embarrassed too, but I'm thinking how they're adults....My daughters always tell me that, but forget it when their cars need repaired, can't pay the rent or bills, buy cigs or gas...You know the drill & how it goes.
I'm getting fired up now just thinking about it!
You stay strong! Don't let them bleed us dry, take away every joy we deserve. I don't even want grandkids at this point. I wouldn't want my daughter to raise them! My other daughter was sloppy drunk & arguing with my dad the other day. I could go on & on.....
Get out of the house & buy yourselves something nice!! lol I hope all your hearts & mine feel lighter today.
Thanking of you all, holding you in my heart.
love,
Dee
I feel so validated when I read your posts. I am at the end of my rope. I cannot believe everything that has transpired over the last couple of months. My youngest, daughter, overdosed on fentanyl that she thought was heroin. Almost lost her. She quit breathing, her lips were blue. Her boyfriend breathed air into her lungs then the rescue squad got there & gave her narc-am (sp?) . I committed her overnight to which she responded by sitting up in the ER & telling me that she f-ing hated me. I'll never forget the look on her face. To top it all off, it was Mother's Day.
She's got 4 AA/NA meetings a week, a psychologist, counselor & sub clinic each week. Yet, she acts as though & says we are "mean" and don't support her or congratulate her on how well she's doing. Well, all I can say (in my head & to my husband) to that is she shouldn't have been doing this crap to begin with! Why should I congratulate her!?
She had a 4.3 gpa, a full ride to college...gone. Lost her job as a waitress not showing up, high when she did etc...., and spent a $1500 school loan (for books) on heroin in just over a month.
We are all so entitled to be mad as e! We all did good jobs raising our kids. If we were bad we wouldn't be on here trying to get answers. None of us are perfect, no one on earth is!
Don't feel guilty or ashamed. I feel embarrassed too, but I'm thinking how they're adults....My daughters always tell me that, but forget it when their cars need repaired, can't pay the rent or bills, buy cigs or gas...You know the drill & how it goes.
I'm getting fired up now just thinking about it!
You stay strong! Don't let them bleed us dry, take away every joy we deserve. I don't even want grandkids at this point. I wouldn't want my daughter to raise them! My other daughter was sloppy drunk & arguing with my dad the other day. I could go on & on.....
Get out of the house & buy yourselves something nice!! lol I hope all your hearts & mine feel lighter today.
Thanking of you all, holding you in my heart.
love,
Dee
