First off, I'd like to say hello! to everyone. I was on this board for a bit a while back, but I forgot my name and have a new e-mail, so I'm back!
What a ride to hell, and back, and then back to hell the past 7 years has been.
Why do addicts run back to destruction when everything is going well?
I remember
the first time I kicked, even when I was on methadone, just waking up everyday was a task, but after five years of using something to numb myself everyday, sobriety was like a new drug. I was seeing the world through a child's eyes! Everything was so damned brand new. I went from using as a teenager into adulthood. The first six months clean I didn't even know who I was, my reactions to emotions seemed almost crazy! When I came up to having a year clean, I started to get scared. For the first time in my lifew things were going okay, they were routine! I was happy to wake up and read a Star Wars novel in the morning before work! I was able to go to sleep without having to worry whether or not I had a bag to wake up to, or If I had enough to nod off. It was great! I remember thinking to myself, well, I actually accomplished something! I have an entire year without drugs! ME! I quit something! So now what do I do?? Where do I go from here? Where did I go?!? I went out and got HIGH!!! Why do addicts do this?? That was one year ago last february. Since, I have been a raging addict all over again, spiraled right down in to the pits, worse than where I was before! February is always my month for screwing up. This february I stopped using, changed the people I was around, I was lucky enough to be able to get away from where I was (which was right down the road from my dealer) And found some solace in the things I did when I was sober. Now two months have gone by, the world isn't bright as it once was. When I was using I stupidly felt like I had an identity. I may have been a junkie, but I had my place in the world. Without it I don't know how to feel I guess. I have started going to school, and now am getting a "get well" job. Everytime something is going right for me it's like the same trigger as things going bad! I want to get high?! I get so scared, I am so scared! Why do we run back to this destructive lifestyle?? What is the draw for you guys?? For me, I feel emptiness, incompetent, and complete self loathing, but heroin doesn't really make things better for me, or anyone, so what about that lifestyle seems so appealing?? Man sobriety sucks.
I hear ya on this one.......I was a great junkie.....found something I was good at.
I had a title.....my drive to get that dope, and my ingenuity to procure it was fierce....the uglier, nastier, and crazy I was the better...I found my place.
It kind of sounds like what you are referring to.....like YOUR month of February I think all of us here can relate....my tenth day clean was my downfall every time, and spring like now....oh I just couldn't wait to use it as an excuse to use.
Hang on there....it does seem to suck sobriety, but everyone in the world has sucky times too......just they have better coping skills, and we need them too.
You can do this, and it does eventually get better...it really does....I promise you that, and you are worth it.....gotta replace that bad habit with a good one.
Honestly give yoga a try...seriously...it's awesome...a high in itself. Keep posting too it really helps also.
I had a title.....my drive to get that dope, and my ingenuity to procure it was fierce....the uglier, nastier, and crazy I was the better...I found my place.
It kind of sounds like what you are referring to.....like YOUR month of February I think all of us here can relate....my tenth day clean was my downfall every time, and spring like now....oh I just couldn't wait to use it as an excuse to use.
Hang on there....it does seem to suck sobriety, but everyone in the world has sucky times too......just they have better coping skills, and we need them too.
You can do this, and it does eventually get better...it really does....I promise you that, and you are worth it.....gotta replace that bad habit with a good one.
Honestly give yoga a try...seriously...it's awesome...a high in itself. Keep posting too it really helps also.
Yes, listen to that bryn..she is one smart cookie.......and even though she was a great junkie as she say.....she is a far more superior human being AND friend, AND mother AND daughter.........Be strong
Thanks Bryn! I am trying everything not to go out again. I guess I want that confidence back. As a junkie I knew people, I felt important because I knew where to cop, who to call, and always had a script of oxy's for back up. People were always calling me, and in that I had a false sense of security. Funny now that I am sober I went from having tons of friends to having two, one of them being myself. My best friend is great, but he doesnt understand my addiction and is always talking about getting wasted. I find my stinkin thinkin always creeps up whenever I talk to him. Last night I was on the phone with him for 2 hrs, then went out and got a pint of vodka. Us addicts we love our excuses. I have asked him not to talk about getting high and drunk to me, and he laughs. I don't want to push him away becuase beside myparents he is the only person I have, but he is terrible for my sobriety... not sure what to do when it comes to him.
I had to move to Florida to get away from the drug, and I have been feeling anxious, feeling SO LONELY! Like I am nobody. I don't know where to go from here. I have been living a drug life my wholelife. Grew up in a dope dealers house, been using drugs since I was 14, met the Devil at 19, fell in love with someone, he died of an overdose at 22. A year later I overdosed myself. Since then, that was 3 years ago, I have come close to death 3 times. I am one of the lucky ones I guess. A normal life to me is going to work, getting high all day, and friday and saturday going to the bar getting high and plastered. I am used to having a ton of people around me because I was a petty drug dealer/addict. Where are these people now?? I still get a few calls from people in CT asking me for stuff, they didn't even pay attention to the fact that I moved away! When I'm not scheming man, I feel like I have no purpose, Kinda sad huh? Thanks for being here Bryn. Funny that life is just too easy, too simple.
I had to move to Florida to get away from the drug, and I have been feeling anxious, feeling SO LONELY! Like I am nobody. I don't know where to go from here. I have been living a drug life my wholelife. Grew up in a dope dealers house, been using drugs since I was 14, met the Devil at 19, fell in love with someone, he died of an overdose at 22. A year later I overdosed myself. Since then, that was 3 years ago, I have come close to death 3 times. I am one of the lucky ones I guess. A normal life to me is going to work, getting high all day, and friday and saturday going to the bar getting high and plastered. I am used to having a ton of people around me because I was a petty drug dealer/addict. Where are these people now?? I still get a few calls from people in CT asking me for stuff, they didn't even pay attention to the fact that I moved away! When I'm not scheming man, I feel like I have no purpose, Kinda sad huh? Thanks for being here Bryn. Funny that life is just too easy, too simple.
