Hi there everyone
I really hope you dont mind me posting on your board. I do post on the families and friends too but this question is for you guys.
I am writing because my ex has a drinking problem and I broke up with him a number of months ago because of the pain it was causing me. It literally was driving me to drink. The biggest problem was his moodiness and lack of reliability. He was a binge drinker and for weeks everything would be fine.. but then he would get wasted and then problems ensued.
I spent the last few months attending al-anon & reading all the books I could find .. and I learnt what I was up against if I ever did decide to go back to him. And I learnt that I had no control and that I had to look after me. Which is what I have been doing.
He gave up drinking shortly after we split. He had hit a bottom with a binge shortly afterwards. He is not giving up drink for me. Although that might pass through his head occasionally I think.. He was putting everything into his recovery but it all came from himself. He has read some books but that is all the help he has got. And I know too well that I have to keep my nose out .. as this is all his recovery.
We have started to meet up every now and then and as things have become more frequent I notice him returning to some familiar ways. Impatience&moodiness being the overwhelming problems. He isnt drinking but I can feel the tension, whereas in the beginning of his recovery this tension wasnt there. It was like he was 100% dedicated to getting better.
I would like to be part of the solution but the only way might be staying away from him. I was just wondering have any of you guys stayed with your spouse / partner through your recovery? I know for 100% I am no longer enabling him.. so that is something that would never be a part of our relationship again.
Do you have any advice for an ex partner (who mightn't always be an ex) wanting to be supportive, even from the sidelines? If your answer is stay away I wont be hurt . I would just like your honest opinion.
Thanks for listening
Hi Laura,
I'm a recovering alcoholic in AA and I don't have any experience from where you are sitting but I do know about the disease.
Now that he has stopped drinking, he is feeling all the feelings he was trying to numb. It is very common in early sobriety to be moody and irritable.
This is why so many suggest AA. Stopping drinking isn't enough. We had to learn how to cope with life without alcohol, and alone we have no understanding of how to even begin to do that. AA has people who have gone down that road before us and they show us the way.
Sobriety can be miserable if you don't learn how to deal with life sober.
The best thing you can do for yourself is stick with al-anon...they will give you the tools to live a positive and healthy life...while loving the alcoholic in your life.
In eary recovery they tell you not to get into a relationship your 1st year of sobriety...so you can work on your self. But in his case...not being in AA...it doesn't really apply. You could always tell him you are giving him space so he can work on himself... maybe that will motivate him TO work on himself...but don't count on it.
Keep posting on the friends and family board and PLEASE keep going to al-anon.
You deserve that gift to yourself.
Sending you good sober positve energy...
Carolyn
I'm a recovering alcoholic in AA and I don't have any experience from where you are sitting but I do know about the disease.
Now that he has stopped drinking, he is feeling all the feelings he was trying to numb. It is very common in early sobriety to be moody and irritable.
This is why so many suggest AA. Stopping drinking isn't enough. We had to learn how to cope with life without alcohol, and alone we have no understanding of how to even begin to do that. AA has people who have gone down that road before us and they show us the way.
Sobriety can be miserable if you don't learn how to deal with life sober.
The best thing you can do for yourself is stick with al-anon...they will give you the tools to live a positive and healthy life...while loving the alcoholic in your life.
In eary recovery they tell you not to get into a relationship your 1st year of sobriety...so you can work on your self. But in his case...not being in AA...it doesn't really apply. You could always tell him you are giving him space so he can work on himself... maybe that will motivate him TO work on himself...but don't count on it.
Keep posting on the friends and family board and PLEASE keep going to al-anon.
You deserve that gift to yourself.
Sending you good sober positve energy...
Carolyn
HI Laura
Well I am an alcoholic married to an alcoholic. Here's what struck me first about your post.
In AA and most programs I think honesty is a key:
QUOTE He was putting everything into his recovery but it all came from himself. He has read some books but that is all the help he has got. UNQUOTE.
This seems like a contradictory statement to me. Take a look at what you yourself have written - perhaps the answers to your questions are already there?
Second thing that struck me: you mentioned old behaviours creeping back in. If your marriage is a long term relationship your H is used to dealing with you, responding to you in certain ways. Takes time to change. But if YOU show that the old behaviours and manipulations aren't going to work, and that you will not tolerate the moodiness or whatever, then if he is SERIOUS about self improvement he may change. If he's not, he won't. Either way all you can do is change yourself.
The other thing is that the return of old behaviours can indicate a return to active addiction. Not saying this is the case here, but are you certain of this in your own mind that he's sober?
Hope this helps you sort it out in your own mind.
take care of you.
Idgie.
Well I am an alcoholic married to an alcoholic. Here's what struck me first about your post.
In AA and most programs I think honesty is a key:
QUOTE He was putting everything into his recovery but it all came from himself. He has read some books but that is all the help he has got. UNQUOTE.
This seems like a contradictory statement to me. Take a look at what you yourself have written - perhaps the answers to your questions are already there?
Second thing that struck me: you mentioned old behaviours creeping back in. If your marriage is a long term relationship your H is used to dealing with you, responding to you in certain ways. Takes time to change. But if YOU show that the old behaviours and manipulations aren't going to work, and that you will not tolerate the moodiness or whatever, then if he is SERIOUS about self improvement he may change. If he's not, he won't. Either way all you can do is change yourself.
The other thing is that the return of old behaviours can indicate a return to active addiction. Not saying this is the case here, but are you certain of this in your own mind that he's sober?
Hope this helps you sort it out in your own mind.
take care of you.
Idgie.
Thanks so much for your replies. Everything you both said makes so much sense. I think I wll say to him that I think he needs the time to work on himself. I mean he is just figuring out at the moment how he is going to get on top of all this. (And 3 or 4 months is a small amount of time in the grander scheme of recovery I guess..) But I think he has come a great distance in that time. I wish so much he would find a program. Maybe he will over the next while.
He did have a slip recently and maybe it was more than a slip. And maybe that is what was making him so moody. It is possible he is heading for relapse.
I have been trying to figure out how the answer to my question is in the contradiction that I wrote. Smile. I felt like I was trying to crack a code but I couldnt figure it out???
I hope my ex finds recovery like so many people on this board. You all are an inspiration ..
Best wishes to you all
He did have a slip recently and maybe it was more than a slip. And maybe that is what was making him so moody. It is possible he is heading for relapse.
I have been trying to figure out how the answer to my question is in the contradiction that I wrote. Smile. I felt like I was trying to crack a code but I couldnt figure it out???
I hope my ex finds recovery like so many people on this board. You all are an inspiration ..
Best wishes to you all
