Son, 33. Addict of everything for at least 15 years. I remember being new here many years ago, grief stricken thinking I could help, fix him, love him, how could these folks detach
. ? Answer is, time and repetition. It is a process some addicts change, most do not. Harsh but true. After years of killing myself with guilt and worry, losing most of what we had to my son, refusing to call police because they would be so mean , lol, he would have a record, whatever the reason. I wish we had taken a strong stand in the beginning and stuck to it, because 15 years later, he is still doing the same stuff, same consequences, in and out of prison, jail etc. e do 90 percent less enabling. So he is back in jail because he violated parole, how did he beat the latest drug tests while out? He took a small squeeze bottle with warmed apple juice taped to genital and used that as a substitute for urine. Lol. The lengths they will go, smh. So he calls from jail says it Christmas he has a long list I can send, so I told him hey I'll send 20 dollars worth of either food or thermals, your choice....the diatribe of how stingy I am was almost comical. Sometimes their behavior doesn't stop even when they are currently not using drugs, sometimes it is just their behavior. Parents that have been around the block a few times will understand this, detaching isn't easy, it is a self survival tool, think about where you want to be in 10 years, it's exhausting.
momg,
You are 100% right, detaching is a survival tool. I see my own son doing the same circle of using, being in and out of jail, stealing, etc... I have a small amount of hope right now because he's in a 90 day rehab program because of the court system. He's never done a program like this so I feel like it could help. Time will tell though. I'm still trying to stay detached while being supportive. I'm still making sure he knows the ball is in his court. I have to continuously work on staying detached though and making sure I check myself if I start doing enabling behaviors.
I'm sure Christmas is not fun for our addicts. I believe, in the back of their minds, they wish they were "normal" and could have happy times with family and friends. Even detached, it's not easy for us. It's a hard time of year. I'm just going to focus on the good.
Happy holidays!
Michelle
You are 100% right, detaching is a survival tool. I see my own son doing the same circle of using, being in and out of jail, stealing, etc... I have a small amount of hope right now because he's in a 90 day rehab program because of the court system. He's never done a program like this so I feel like it could help. Time will tell though. I'm still trying to stay detached while being supportive. I'm still making sure he knows the ball is in his court. I have to continuously work on staying detached though and making sure I check myself if I start doing enabling behaviors.
I'm sure Christmas is not fun for our addicts. I believe, in the back of their minds, they wish they were "normal" and could have happy times with family and friends. Even detached, it's not easy for us. It's a hard time of year. I'm just going to focus on the good.
Happy holidays!
Michelle
This Christmas is hard. I was out shopping yesterday and decided to buy my son some clothes even though I swore I wasn't getting anything. I walked around the men's department thinking of all the things he needs and of all his troubles. I got so upset I almost cried in the store. I did buy a few basics but today I am thinking of taking them back. If I give him the gifts, something will be wrong with them .. Not the right size or color... He also really needs so and so.. Why did I get him this instead of that... These gifts are trivial I should have paid for x instead. And these gifts mean I have to figure out where he is and how to see him without getting upset or being asked for money or if he can stay with us. I don't want him to scream at me and tell me what a bad mom I am. I might just keep these presents in the closet in case the opportunity arises. I just want things to be normal. And I want him to have a warm coat and gloves and ... :(
BugginMe I would return those items of clothes you bought for hi as presents, very likely he will sell it or exchange it for money, dope or whatever else he can. If he really needs clothes Salvation army and other charity have plenty to give. you already know what he will tell you and that he wont be happy with presents so why bother going trough that heartache unnecessary?
Oh ,the fun of of it all!! lol I am not buying my son anything because my husband caved in and paid my son's car title loan and car insurance through January on the car we bought! So it is like paying for it twice! We got a "thanks a lot" in a text, but much "whoa is me stuff" and now my car front bearing is going and it costs $117 for the part alone and I have no gas and my car won't go in overdrive and it eats gas and I am hungry and I am trying to get a job at a tattoo place, but I can't get there and I need a portfolio of my tat pics. Can you help me--my life sucks and why am I cursed and why do these things keep happening to me and on and on!
Well--we all know why and it doesn't take Einstein to figure it out!
Anyway--told him he got his Christmas present when dad paid his loan and insurance and it was over!
Sad --yes, but necessary!
Lori
Well--we all know why and it doesn't take Einstein to figure it out!
Anyway--told him he got his Christmas present when dad paid his loan and insurance and it was over!
Sad --yes, but necessary!
Lori
Christmas is hard for those of us trying to stay clean as well as those of us with a habit that has to be taken care of...my experience throughout the holiday when i was using regularly was always a bit frantic and desperate. ..since at least in my area...dealers were far and few to be found on the day...making it imperative to be able to score enough before hand to see me through...it was always a scramble ...I remember one year my dealer came into some China white a few days before Christmas..which for us in my area...was a treat...I bought as much as I could and stuffed it in my jeans...got home just in time to change and go to work...left it in my jeans thinking I'd do it after I had used up my usual ...and have a pretty good holiday...well i got home later and went looking for it...my jeans gone from the chair...asked my spouse where my jeans were. ..she said in the wash...I absolutely freaked out..dug them out of the wash and sat and cried..ya..it's kind of funny now..but seriously ..it was so not at that point back then... I had to hustle hard..my dealer had split...and it was a desperate few days...i ended up buying street to just stay well...so...ya...Christmas can be a little hard for us too in ways...and hard to stay clean too trying to handle the whole holiday family dynamic thing...it can be overwhelming. ..normal to us is not what your perception of normal is...we don't know what that is to want to wish for it...
It is really hard. When I see my son, I just melt. But, he is so abusive. I had to leave a store the other day because I saw a mom-son combination. The boy was little (5-6). I was overcome with emotion. I miss him so much. I worry he will be lost to me forever. Maybe he already is. I know that addicts don't really know normal. And, I know in some ways, he can't stop himself. Just a sad situation all the way around. It is like a death that has no end.
Wishing everyone hope and peace and lots of self-care this holiday!!!!!
Wishing everyone hope and peace and lots of self-care this holiday!!!!!
yes --Christmas is especially difficult. I miss all that was and all that could have been and should have been!
I can't change it--only God can and it is in His hands!
I pray for all of you and all your addicted sons and daughters! May we all have some peace and comfort through the holidays regardless of our circumstances and situations.
I know we all have walked the walk in varying degrees and I know we all want the same thing in the end--we want our sons and daughters back and we want them to have a life worth living and we want them to be safe and happy and content with their choices in life. We are moms and dads and we love our kids!
Peace to all--Lori
I can't change it--only God can and it is in His hands!
I pray for all of you and all your addicted sons and daughters! May we all have some peace and comfort through the holidays regardless of our circumstances and situations.
I know we all have walked the walk in varying degrees and I know we all want the same thing in the end--we want our sons and daughters back and we want them to have a life worth living and we want them to be safe and happy and content with their choices in life. We are moms and dads and we love our kids!
Peace to all--Lori
You do get burned out through the years. It becomes a matter of your own survival when you have given all you can. You just can't stay on the merry-go-round anymore.. Doing the same things over and over without anything changing. It uses you up and you just get tired of it all. Old habits die hard. Hope dims and wishes fade away.
No matter how much you do it is never enough for them. They always want more until they suck all the life right out of you. Kind of like a SciFi movie. lol
No matter how much you do it is never enough for them. They always want more until they suck all the life right out of you. Kind of like a SciFi movie. lol
Yup--I am the star role in that sci-fi movie. I paid them to let me star in that role--lol!
Yes --Christmas is so difficult for all of us --addicts and parents or others involved in addiction!
It is a nostalgic time for all of us in all different aspects and levels. Most of us just want to get through the holidays and move on, but some of us have others we are obligated to make the holidays special for such as grand kids, adopted kids, younger kids still at home, and also husbands and boyfriends or partners.
Tough playing that dual role and putting on our happy faces through it all. Not where we want to be, but it is what it is!
Praying for all of us whatever our station in life is --that we have a Merry Christmas and a better New Year!
(((HUGS TO ALL))) Lori
Yes --Christmas is so difficult for all of us --addicts and parents or others involved in addiction!
It is a nostalgic time for all of us in all different aspects and levels. Most of us just want to get through the holidays and move on, but some of us have others we are obligated to make the holidays special for such as grand kids, adopted kids, younger kids still at home, and also husbands and boyfriends or partners.
Tough playing that dual role and putting on our happy faces through it all. Not where we want to be, but it is what it is!
Praying for all of us whatever our station in life is --that we have a Merry Christmas and a better New Year!
(((HUGS TO ALL))) Lori
I'm grateful mine is locked up for Christmas, I can send a small package of food. I used to feel badly at the holiday but I have found that knowing where he is gives me the ability to enjoy my day. I can get up with his son and enjoy my grandchild instead of hiding my purse, waiting for angry words when I won't give him money to get whatever. Enjoy your holidays, the people that are around. I'm sure my sons Christmas will be dismal, but only because he isn't free to go use, and that is the pitiful part.b. Long time no see Constantine!
Hi ya MomG...thought I saw you a few months ago but wasn't sure...
OMG Con that was terrible experience any day but especially over Christmas period when all dealers are usually gone , and I thought e dropping spoon with gear in it on floor where washing machine leaks water all over is bad enough experience but yours is far far worse anyway anybody seen Papa Bear lately, he is being awol for weeks now I hope he is fine?
Lol....ya...i think only we get how bad that is...was a tough holiday...but riding always makes a tough holiday...dropping the spoon in a wet place also catastrophe though...done that too unfortunately... ..ugh....anyways...PB left the forum B...his reason's are solid...but I miss him here...
Momg....
Thank you for sharing....helps a lot.
Thank you for sharing....helps a lot.
thanks y'all for sharing. it does give me a sense I'm not alone in this and I'm not crazy
