I am sorry to again bringing up the situation with DM, my friend who tried killing himself almost a week ago. Against my better judgment, I've went up to visit him the last 3 nights...yesterday we spoke on the phone and was in mid-conversation when he needed to go. He said we'd finish the conversation when I got there. When I arrived another of his friends had shown up unexpectantly. I left soon afterwards for a couple reasons. First, I knew we wouldn't be able to continue our conversation and secondly, I know he has troubles balancing his attention when there are several people around him. He feels he needs to pay equal attention to everyone, so when he is dividing his time/attention it comes across insincere...asking questions just so no one feels neglected. That is how it felt last night, so I decided to leave.
I was upset and I realized that the reason for my angst was b/c he had specifically asked me to come. Where I get into trouble is when I expect others to act just like me. So today when he called I told him,that I felt I had fallen back into co-dependent behavior where I had declined invitations to do other things "just in case Dave wanted me to come visit and bring him anything" and that I didn't want to fall back into this pattern. I also told him that aside from me needing to take care of myself, I respected that it is stressful for him to "entertain" more than one person... He said he was afraid I wouldn't come to visit him anymore and I told him that I woudn't be coming tonight b/c I made other plans and I may not be coming tomorrow since I had plans to go to a meeting with a friend to pick up my 30 day chip....Then I expanded and said that it felt uncomfortable for me showing up when someone else was there and then probably said something I shouldn't have but I did. I said, "if it was me I would have told her (other visitor) that I asked Lisa to come and we were planning to finish a conversation when she arrived and would she mind coming back tomorrow?" he got upset and said that my perception was wrong. I responded by saying that again I feel that whenever I speak my mind, he gets upset. Typically he hangs up on me but at least babysteps, he said, he didn't want to keep talking and he was going to eat lunch" and then hung up.
I know this may all seem trivial to you but this is a keypoint in my relationship with him and others....whenever I speak what is truly on my mind and not stuff it, the person (DM) gets angry and doesn't offer any explanation other than telling me he is mad....so I shut down. This happens in all my relationships. I understand if I was yelling or swearing, I'd get a negative reaction. However, it seems even when I try to be mellow, eloquent, candid, and honest, I still get "punished" in some way...usually getting hung up on or the conversation gets cut short, and hence, not resolved.
I honestly do not feel like I said anything "wrong" today and was proud of myself for telling on myself and admitting that I've been co-dependent and adjusting my schedule just to make sure that I could be there for him....despite my gut telling me to back off, give it distance, and only take care of myself.
I don't really know if I am asking for advise, just to be heard, or told I was completely in the right (which is wrong, I recognize) but I just felt that I needed to vent.
God, grant me the serentiy to accept the things I can not change (his perception and reaction);
The courage to change the things I can (thought I was doing this by speaking my mind but from here on out...I can change not falling back into the co-dependent role)
Wisdom to know the difference (I cant change a person/place or thing but I can change myself, my reaction, my conditioned responses)....
Growing pains, I'd say.
Thanks for letting me share,
Zipper you have to take care of yourself. You and only you can do that. Speaking the truth is a healing part of our recovery. It is vital to us if we are going to get better. You must not let someone else bring you down however much this person means to you. You are growing, you are healing and that is what your focus should be right now. You can't make everyones world right. You can't fix everyone who is sick.You can't be someones nurse maid for 24/7 Also if speaking the truth offends someone, that doesn't mean that what you said was wrong. Maybe they recognize the truth and don't want to deal with it so they take it out on you or try to punish you in some way. Don't beat yourself up about this. It's a wonderful trait that you have ,to be a kind and compassionate person but there is a difference in giving support and to be taken advantage of. I wish you all the best and I hope things will work out for you and your friend.....((((( )))))))
Some people just can't handle complete honesty. I am terrible about telling the truth and I have hurt people with it.
You do need to take care of yourself first, your recovery is the most important thing in your life and you must do what you have to do to maintain it.
You do need to take care of yourself first, your recovery is the most important thing in your life and you must do what you have to do to maintain it.
My sister just asked some really good questions of me and thought I'd share them here and share my response:
What is it that you feel you need right now and can I give it to myself. Here are my responses:
I guess there is a need to be wanted/needed/and feel trust. When he asks me to come visit and then he spends more of his attention on a friend that just reentered his life, when I have been through tons with him over the last year, I question his loyalty and trust. I need to feel safe and secure. I am not feeling that and I know enough not to rely on someone else to make me feel this.
What can I give to myself: first accepting that NO ONE can "make" me feel safe and secure....I can give myself daily gifts: jogs at the park, I am meeting with a friend for coffee tonight, staying SANE & SOBER...that is what I NEED right now and imagine this: I can give these gifts to myself.
For those of you who have read the novel and responded...thank you. Hugs,
What is it that you feel you need right now and can I give it to myself. Here are my responses:
I guess there is a need to be wanted/needed/and feel trust. When he asks me to come visit and then he spends more of his attention on a friend that just reentered his life, when I have been through tons with him over the last year, I question his loyalty and trust. I need to feel safe and secure. I am not feeling that and I know enough not to rely on someone else to make me feel this.
What can I give to myself: first accepting that NO ONE can "make" me feel safe and secure....I can give myself daily gifts: jogs at the park, I am meeting with a friend for coffee tonight, staying SANE & SOBER...that is what I NEED right now and imagine this: I can give these gifts to myself.
For those of you who have read the novel and responded...thank you. Hugs,
Hi Zipper
Its hard unravelling the tangles isn't it?
I think you're 100% right to try and say respectfully what you are feeling and what you need to do for you.
The only thing I would take issue is, would be wanting him to ask the other person to leave and come back some other time. This person (Lisa) has taken time out of her day to come and visit someone in hospital. I think that should be respected. Sure it may have been a bit awkward with you all three there but the fact that the conversation got interrupted - well that's just the way life is sometimes.
As regards your overall relationship with this person you can only set what boundaries work for you at this point in time. If he is unhappy with them, that is HIS problem not yours. You have to put your recovery first.
Its hard unravelling the tangles isn't it?
I think you're 100% right to try and say respectfully what you are feeling and what you need to do for you.
The only thing I would take issue is, would be wanting him to ask the other person to leave and come back some other time. This person (Lisa) has taken time out of her day to come and visit someone in hospital. I think that should be respected. Sure it may have been a bit awkward with you all three there but the fact that the conversation got interrupted - well that's just the way life is sometimes.
As regards your overall relationship with this person you can only set what boundaries work for you at this point in time. If he is unhappy with them, that is HIS problem not yours. You have to put your recovery first.
Hi Zipper,
Sounds like you are making positive steps towards setting some boundaries for yourself. You have to take care of you first.
I too have had to protect myself with regards to a friend. She is going through alot with her husband and her children seem to be paying the price. I had to remove myself from her drama as it is not healthy for me.
Good luck to you!
Have a great day!
Sounds like you are making positive steps towards setting some boundaries for yourself. You have to take care of you first.
I too have had to protect myself with regards to a friend. She is going through alot with her husband and her children seem to be paying the price. I had to remove myself from her drama as it is not healthy for me.
Good luck to you!
Have a great day!
