So, my wife and I have been together for about five years now. In the last year or so we've had increased levels of arguments and fights, seemingly out of nowhere. Most of the time we get along great, then we'll have a fight out of the blue over completely ridiculous things. I may be biased, but these fights seem to originate when she is in an "off" mood. I can usually tell when she's in this mood and I've learned to basically monitor myself to try not set her off. Sometime it works, sometimes it doesn't. These moods have been present since we met, but only occasionally and I assumed they were just part of her personality, and I never thought much of them until recently, since they have been more prevalent and seem to be more intense, if that makes sense. Basically she becomes easily irritable, she is quick to snap at me (and others) and be hyper-critical of what is going on (even if it's something that normally doesn't bother her at all). She has become increasingly confrontational in these moods, and it almost seems like she is looking to pick a fight. She also tends to take many things as a personal attack and it's hard to convince her otherwise. During these moods, she'll have up/down oscillations too. Like, one minute, she's in love with me and the next, she's making me feel bad about something I did 3 days ago that I didn't even know bothered her. She's just not the same person she normally is.
Anyway, she was in this "mood" for about a week, and a few days ago, she starts picking on my daughter over something ridiculous. My daughter (she is 7) was trying to ask a question about something and get some help but my wife kept interrupting her and essentially belittling her for it. My daughter was clearly getting upset over it and it finally ruffled my feathers enough to tell my wife to at least let her finish her question, in a raised voice, because I was getting a bit angry. This set her off like nothing I'd seen before. She yelled at me and told me to "f*** off" and stormed off to the bedroom. My daughter runs to her bedroom, so I follow her and try to calm her down. After I calm her down, my wife barges in, crying, and yells at both of us (I don't remember about what exactly, but it involved much use of the F word) and storms out again. Of course, I have to calm my daughter down again. Later I confront my wife and we get into a shouting match, where again, I am verbally assaulted. It was clear she was not in a rational state of mind at this point so I withdrew. I had a suspicion she was taking something so I checked where we keep our medication, and it appears that she went through 120 Vicodin pills in a matter of 5 or 6 days. I took my daughter to work with me the next day because I didn't want her around my wife. Guess my protectiveness kicked in. Of course, this set off another nasty fight. She accused me of purposely excluding her from the family AND doing it to hurt her. Of course, that's not why, but she wouldn't listen to reason. We haven't spoken since. I don't want to confront her yet because I really don't know how and I don't know if she will be rational.
This is not the first time things like this have happened. They've never been this bad before though. She takes Vicodin for a legitimate pain issue she has, and I know she's taken extra at times, but she claims it is because sometimes she has more pain than usual and her doctor won't give her a higher dose. So I don't know what to do really. I've never seen her go through a whole bottle in less than a week. It worries me and I am starting to miss my wife, because often, even when she is there, she is not really there.
I experienced the exact same thing. My former wife came from a good family and we had a good start to our marriage. She found a book about Fibromyalgia, which allowed her to answer the right question at the doctor and get opiates (vicodin, norco) and tranquilizers (Xanex).
In the last 10 years I have become active in recovery circles.
Without treatment, this problem will get worse, not better. There may be short periods of sobriety - probably after a particularly bad fight and afterward she promises to quit. Chances are, this will be temporary and the usage will continue - and continue to get worse.
For you and your daughter, please find a family support resrouce. Treatment centers, some churches, or even an Al Anon or NAR Anon meeting. Get involved, become educated. The first and most important thing to learn is that you are powerless over someone else's addiction.
You do have control over boundaries. To this end, you might consider an interventionist. They typically cost $500 - $1,500.
Please do not try this on your own. Until you find a resource or mentor, please post on this board. There are many good people to offer advice.
In short, this is serious trouble.
Message back if you'd like me to ellaborate.
Fly
In the last 10 years I have become active in recovery circles.
Without treatment, this problem will get worse, not better. There may be short periods of sobriety - probably after a particularly bad fight and afterward she promises to quit. Chances are, this will be temporary and the usage will continue - and continue to get worse.
For you and your daughter, please find a family support resrouce. Treatment centers, some churches, or even an Al Anon or NAR Anon meeting. Get involved, become educated. The first and most important thing to learn is that you are powerless over someone else's addiction.
You do have control over boundaries. To this end, you might consider an interventionist. They typically cost $500 - $1,500.
Please do not try this on your own. Until you find a resource or mentor, please post on this board. There are many good people to offer advice.
In short, this is serious trouble.
Message back if you'd like me to ellaborate.
Fly
One other thought:
Early in my ex-wife's circumstance, I was conerned about her level of pain. I did not know it was a ruse to get pain medication.
For someone who is young, a regular prescription of opiates is a terrible form of medical treatment. Pain management clinics have come a long way to treat underlying health issues. Also, it is common as get get older to have typical aches and pains - but this does not rise to the level of taking pain medicine on a regular basis. It changes personalities, leads to addiction, and rips marriages and families apart.
What I am reading is typical drug-seeking behavior (I could be wrong).
Again, please message back as I'd like to know more about her ailment.
Early in my ex-wife's circumstance, I was conerned about her level of pain. I did not know it was a ruse to get pain medication.
For someone who is young, a regular prescription of opiates is a terrible form of medical treatment. Pain management clinics have come a long way to treat underlying health issues. Also, it is common as get get older to have typical aches and pains - but this does not rise to the level of taking pain medicine on a regular basis. It changes personalities, leads to addiction, and rips marriages and families apart.
What I am reading is typical drug-seeking behavior (I could be wrong).
Again, please message back as I'd like to know more about her ailment.
Well, she's been on pain medication of some sort of another for as long as I've known her. When she was 20, she had a severe bacterial infection in her hip bone that went undiagnosed for some time, resulting in needing a hip replacement. She is 30 now. I don't doubt the pain she can experience because of it, I've seen her not take medication for periods of time and unless she's a very good actor, there is definite pain there. She says she relates very well to the character of House. She takes an 800 mg Ibuprofen 3 times daily and is prescribed 120 Vicodins per 30 days to take "as needed". I don't keep tabs on her usage. Sometimes when she runs out, she will get some pills from her dad. Her dad used to be an alcoholic, but now is addicted to pain meds, and it's a known/accepted fact in her family, and their family doctor, who is also her doctor. He's basically a pill doctor.
She gets migraines every so often. Sometimes she'll have several in a row, and sometimes it will be months between then. When we were first dating, when she'd get migraines, she'd convince me to take her to the ER. This happened enough that they actually told her she wasn't allowed to go there any more unless she saw a migraine specialist. Never happened. At the time I didn't really think much of it. I mean, people get migraines, right? I was in love and I wasn't about to deny or judge her. Anyway, when she migraines now, she takes an Imitrex injection and that has seemed to help a lot.
She takes Ambien also every so often. She was abusing them for a period of time but that didn't cause many fights (it did cause one). She would take them, sleep, take more, sleep, and take more, but there's only so much sleeping one can do, so basically she would become a zombie, walking around the house, doing and saying things that were nonsensical and of course she'd have no memory of it. After the one fight we had over that, I haven't seen her abuse them since. But who knows. I work and she doesn't, so there is a lot of opportunity for abuse when I'm not here.
But her main / current thing seems to be Vicodin, and I think that's been her thing for, well, probably since I've known her. I just didn't see it or it wasn't bad enough until recently for it to become a problem. I just don't know how to approach this. She has a way of shutting down during arguments or fights or even things she just doesn't want to talk about. Or she knows just how to push my buttons to piss me off and turn things around and make me the bad guy. In the past, when I've tried to talk to her about it, I suggested she might have an addiction, which she vehemently denied, saying she is not an addict because she doesn't go through withdrawals. Or she'll agree to stop, but in a very unconvincing manner, like: "Fine, I'll stop taking them then. Problem solved. Happy?". That never lasts long. She has typical addict behavior: Hiding abuse, denying abuse, turning things around to make me feel like I'm in the wrong, drastic personality changes, moodiness, etc. I recently realized that when I come home, I never know what to expect. Will she be normal? In a bad mood? In a good mood? Will it flip-flop? I shouldn't be uncomfortable in my own home.
I don't know what to do. I just want my wife back. When she is abusing, she is not the woman I fell in love with. But when when she's over it, it feels so good that things are back to normal that I can't bring myself to confront her about it again.
She gets migraines every so often. Sometimes she'll have several in a row, and sometimes it will be months between then. When we were first dating, when she'd get migraines, she'd convince me to take her to the ER. This happened enough that they actually told her she wasn't allowed to go there any more unless she saw a migraine specialist. Never happened. At the time I didn't really think much of it. I mean, people get migraines, right? I was in love and I wasn't about to deny or judge her. Anyway, when she migraines now, she takes an Imitrex injection and that has seemed to help a lot.
She takes Ambien also every so often. She was abusing them for a period of time but that didn't cause many fights (it did cause one). She would take them, sleep, take more, sleep, and take more, but there's only so much sleeping one can do, so basically she would become a zombie, walking around the house, doing and saying things that were nonsensical and of course she'd have no memory of it. After the one fight we had over that, I haven't seen her abuse them since. But who knows. I work and she doesn't, so there is a lot of opportunity for abuse when I'm not here.
But her main / current thing seems to be Vicodin, and I think that's been her thing for, well, probably since I've known her. I just didn't see it or it wasn't bad enough until recently for it to become a problem. I just don't know how to approach this. She has a way of shutting down during arguments or fights or even things she just doesn't want to talk about. Or she knows just how to push my buttons to piss me off and turn things around and make me the bad guy. In the past, when I've tried to talk to her about it, I suggested she might have an addiction, which she vehemently denied, saying she is not an addict because she doesn't go through withdrawals. Or she'll agree to stop, but in a very unconvincing manner, like: "Fine, I'll stop taking them then. Problem solved. Happy?". That never lasts long. She has typical addict behavior: Hiding abuse, denying abuse, turning things around to make me feel like I'm in the wrong, drastic personality changes, moodiness, etc. I recently realized that when I come home, I never know what to expect. Will she be normal? In a bad mood? In a good mood? Will it flip-flop? I shouldn't be uncomfortable in my own home.
I don't know what to do. I just want my wife back. When she is abusing, she is not the woman I fell in love with. But when when she's over it, it feels so good that things are back to normal that I can't bring myself to confront her about it again.
It is very common for addiction to spring from painful injuries. At first she took the pill for medical reasons, now the pill has taken her. Taking pills beyond prescription, and taking scheduled substances from others (which is a felony) is a bad sign.
Most treatment facilities will sit down with you and map out a strategy. For her, and for you and your chidren. This is my recommendation. Out of this, I can envision you connecting with Al Anon or NAR Anon. You will find amazing experience, strength, and hope from people who have walked in your shoes and found a better way to live.
Recovery is up to your wife. The first market of disease is denial, "it's not as bad as it looks", "I can control it and quit anytime I want", "you are just judging me because you don't know my pain threshhold".
This disease is progressive, left untreated. The short periods of sobriety will be followed by worse and worse episodes. Your everyday moods - up, down, and sideways - will depend on how your wife's emotions are at that moment.
This is something to take seriously, and to not tackle on your own. There are millions of us - many near you - who found an answer.
I think the rules of this message board prohibit me revealing my personal contact information. I wish that weren't true, as I think I have experience that could be of value. Please continue to message back if this is helpful.
FLy
Most treatment facilities will sit down with you and map out a strategy. For her, and for you and your chidren. This is my recommendation. Out of this, I can envision you connecting with Al Anon or NAR Anon. You will find amazing experience, strength, and hope from people who have walked in your shoes and found a better way to live.
Recovery is up to your wife. The first market of disease is denial, "it's not as bad as it looks", "I can control it and quit anytime I want", "you are just judging me because you don't know my pain threshhold".
This disease is progressive, left untreated. The short periods of sobriety will be followed by worse and worse episodes. Your everyday moods - up, down, and sideways - will depend on how your wife's emotions are at that moment.
This is something to take seriously, and to not tackle on your own. There are millions of us - many near you - who found an answer.
I think the rules of this message board prohibit me revealing my personal contact information. I wish that weren't true, as I think I have experience that could be of value. Please continue to message back if this is helpful.
FLy
I appreciate your understanding, support and your recommendation to go to a support group. I attended a nar-anon meeting today and while it was difficult to bring myself to it, after listening to some of the others, I told my story. It was emotional but I felt better afterwards. It was eye-opening to hear how similar my story was to theirs, and I really felt validated that I wasn't in the wrong here. I always second-guess myself and think that maybe I'm making things bigger than they actually are. I'm trying hard to keep remembering how I felt the other night and the things my daughter said to me about she felt. She again re-iterated to me today that she feels like my wife might hurt her again (verbally / emotionally - not physically), and that is a hard reality for me to hear. Should I tell this to my wife or leave it to myself? I'm worried she'll just get angry at my daughter for feeling that way, or hurt because she feels that way, or both. A common complaint of my wife's is that she often feels like she is being the bad guy. I have to reassure her that she is not, even though deep-down, I often feel like she is in some ways. I guess I need to stop protecting her from her own emotions and feelings. It's a hard thing to do. I'm a natural helper/pleaser/etc. I just want the people I love to be happy.
I know I have to confront her, I just don't know how yet. She is still giving me the silent treatment. She has told me in the past that when she is angry at me after a big fight that she needs a lot of alone / quiet time. She says this is not to intentionally hurt me, but just because she needs to let her anger go. This used to hurt my feelings, and I would try to get her to talk but I've learned to just wait her out. I am now fairly convinced it corresponds to the time she needs to withdraw from the substances she was taking. Because if we have a fight when she is not using, she generally cools down about as quickly as I do (a couple of hours or so).
The problem is, she is in such denial about it. I don't know how to talk to her about it. She will deflect and twist things around. It might start another big fight. It will likely hurt her feelings. I hate to hurt her feelings, and try to avoid it, but I've learned that she uses this fact to her advantage. Perhaps not consciously, but it is a learned behavior and a cycle we get caught in again and again. I don't know if that is only related to the substance abuse or just an inherent pattern in our relationship or a combination of both.
It's hard to think of my wife in this way. I've been in several long term relationships, but I love her in a way I've never loved anyone before. She is normally wonderful. She means the world to me. But then when this monstrous version of her comes around, she is literally a different person, who hurts me instead of loves me, and it hurts more every time. I know it's not really her when this happens, it's the chemicals. Still hard. I also know that it's my own codependent behavior that got us here too. She might be an addict, but I'm an enabler. We both have a part in it. Which just makes me feel guilty about even confronting her. This is partially my fault.
I know I have to confront her, I just don't know how yet. She is still giving me the silent treatment. She has told me in the past that when she is angry at me after a big fight that she needs a lot of alone / quiet time. She says this is not to intentionally hurt me, but just because she needs to let her anger go. This used to hurt my feelings, and I would try to get her to talk but I've learned to just wait her out. I am now fairly convinced it corresponds to the time she needs to withdraw from the substances she was taking. Because if we have a fight when she is not using, she generally cools down about as quickly as I do (a couple of hours or so).
The problem is, she is in such denial about it. I don't know how to talk to her about it. She will deflect and twist things around. It might start another big fight. It will likely hurt her feelings. I hate to hurt her feelings, and try to avoid it, but I've learned that she uses this fact to her advantage. Perhaps not consciously, but it is a learned behavior and a cycle we get caught in again and again. I don't know if that is only related to the substance abuse or just an inherent pattern in our relationship or a combination of both.
It's hard to think of my wife in this way. I've been in several long term relationships, but I love her in a way I've never loved anyone before. She is normally wonderful. She means the world to me. But then when this monstrous version of her comes around, she is literally a different person, who hurts me instead of loves me, and it hurts more every time. I know it's not really her when this happens, it's the chemicals. Still hard. I also know that it's my own codependent behavior that got us here too. She might be an addict, but I'm an enabler. We both have a part in it. Which just makes me feel guilty about even confronting her. This is partially my fault.
Hi Andy,
I am glad you made it to a meeting and I hope you keeping coming back.
I will read your entire post tomorrow and add any thoughts that come to mind.
Fly
I am glad you made it to a meeting and I hope you keeping coming back.
I will read your entire post tomorrow and add any thoughts that come to mind.
Fly
Dear Andy76,
I put some more thought into your last post.
I am concerned about you taking this on by yourself (confronting her). I don't believe this will work. You are a codependent married to someone who became addicted.
There are specialists - "interventionists" - who have seen this scenario countless time. They know exactly how to approach a chronic pain patient - and know the right course of treatment. Within your medical plan, you should have access to a "Pain Management" protocol. They should be able to refer you to an interventionist. Another option is to ask your nearest, most respected treatment center.
I know of a world-class interventionist in my home state. I believe his fee is in the $800 - $1,200 range. He starts by working with the family (you and kids), and then develops a plan for recoverying - taking the pain into account.
No matter what - this is what I firmly believe: At first she took the pill. Now the pill has taken her. Addiciton is progressive and eventually fatal. It must be addressed.
I hope I am being helpful. I will gladly share more if you'd like.
I put some more thought into your last post.
I am concerned about you taking this on by yourself (confronting her). I don't believe this will work. You are a codependent married to someone who became addicted.
There are specialists - "interventionists" - who have seen this scenario countless time. They know exactly how to approach a chronic pain patient - and know the right course of treatment. Within your medical plan, you should have access to a "Pain Management" protocol. They should be able to refer you to an interventionist. Another option is to ask your nearest, most respected treatment center.
I know of a world-class interventionist in my home state. I believe his fee is in the $800 - $1,200 range. He starts by working with the family (you and kids), and then develops a plan for recoverying - taking the pain into account.
No matter what - this is what I firmly believe: At first she took the pill. Now the pill has taken her. Addiciton is progressive and eventually fatal. It must be addressed.
I hope I am being helpful. I will gladly share more if you'd like.
