Step 3

I'm sitting here fighting off depression and assorted demons in my head. So I'm reading some NA literature and I can get Step 1 and Step 2 real easy. I just don't know why I can't (or won't?) turm my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him/Her. Am I powerless and has my life become unmanageable because of these pills? Yup. Do I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore my sanity? Yes I do. Why am I stuck on Step 3? I want to surrender, I want to ease this pain, I want to live a good live and be a good person again. And for me to accomplish that I need to make major changes in the way I think and in my spirtiual connection.

All day I've been saying the Serenity Prayer. Thank you for that reminder Sammy. I realize this is probably different for each of us, but any feedback on Step 3 is appreciated. I expect it has a lot to do with my ego, and that when I start the IOP next week, hopefully we'll begin to work the steps and I'll learn a lot more about my mind and the way it works. I don't expect lighting bolts or anything, but my soul definitely has a whole that needs to be taken care of. At a meeting yesterday I was talking to this guy who said Love is his HP. I like that thought.

Thanks,
Jim
first off, jim - i'm in awe that you have been reading over the steps! are you using the step study guide of NA as you read them? also, i don't know about the IOP you are going to attend, but the IOP i attended the only step we worked was the first step. i know different IOP programs have different ways that they are organized, so not sure how much step work you will get done. it was suggested to me to find a sponsor to work the steps with. a sponsor is someone who guides us through the steps. the only place i could find a sponsor was at a meeting (AA/NA/PA). i cannot tell you enough what i got out of working this step with another addict - especially when we were finishing, we knelt together and said the third step prayer. this profoundly touched my heart and i'm filled with much gratitude to have had that opportunity.

so with that said, this is what i'll share about what i have learned on the third step. the third step tells us:

"made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

i could complicate the heck out of things, but once i really read this and listened to what my sponsor said, all this step is saying is that we made a decision to turn our will over...

when you say things such as,

I want to surrender, I want to ease this pain, I want to live a good live and be a good person again.

are you not making a conscious decision about changing your will? go back and remember what you read and thought about step 2.

i'm a great believer in spending plenty of time on the third step, because that
step is the fear remover. i don't think we should leave that step until we know
with absolute certainty that our lives are under a special care of a Power that has never left us. for me, the word "care" was the word that made the third step workable. even though i had no idea what that Power was, i
certainly had come through years of danger and uncertainty and luck just
wasn't a good explanation.

father john doe wrote that the action of each step is in the next
step...because each of the steps is written in the past tense.

personally, i had some difficulty with the steps when i thought of them as
separate from each other. now i realize that we take each step with us to
the next one. they complete each other...dovetail.

jim, i always felt that i would never use again. when i was told to stay out
of the prediction business, i listened. but then i thought that as long as i am
living my life one day at a time, then each day IS forever.

i use Love as my HP too. that's a concept that i can wrap my mind around.

i'm so proud of you, jim.

keep writing.

love -

sammy
Hey Jim,
Great post and you sound great. I know exactly how your feeling and where your at. Easy Does It. Slow down, the steps are something you'll just like me hopfully will be applying to your life for the rest of your life. But don't think of it that way, it's just for today, and today your right where your supposed to be.
I can remember seeing the steps for the first time and thinking, ok, I'll bang these out real qiuck and get on with what ever is next! lol I don't know if you have a step book or not, but, if not I'd get yourslef one and begin reading it. But take your time. A good sponsor will guide you through them, and you'll know when your ready to move forward to the next. Step one is the only step we have to get perfect for ourselves. The rest as we go through them, we'll keep coming back to them with a new understanding everytime. Step three is mainly based on our willingness, and it seems you have that so your on your way. I'd suggest, concentrating on steps 1 and 2 right now, and find a good step meeting
to go to. And if you don't have one yet, start looking for a sponsor, even a temperary one till you find a guy you like. Anyway, you sound great and if I can be of any help let me know.
Take care....................................God bless...................................Bob
Jim, I have three suggestions about working step 3. This step is largely about humility, willingness having been covered by Step 2. If you find yourself unwilling to follow these suggestions exactly as outlined below, you might consider backing up and re-focusing on Step 2 and perhaps discussing the matter with your sponsor.

First suggestion: Each morning when you wake up, before you so much as brush your teeth, get down on your knees (hide your slippers beneath the bed the night before if necessary), bow your head and utter the following prayer, which you will have memorized ver batim. As the Big Book says, "We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him:"

"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

While you are down there on your knees, be sure to offer a prayer for any person, place, or thing against which you bear a resentment, and then ask God to help you do do the Next Right Thing in all of your affairs throughout the day. Ask him to guide your thoughts and your actions. And then, before getting up, allow your mind to go quiet, and listen carefully.

Second suggestion: As you go throughout your day, whenever and as often as you find yourself restless, irritable, or discontent, or if you bear a resentment toward any person, place or thing, find a quiet place, and on bended knee if possible, repeat the First Suggestion.

Third suggestion: In the evening, as you hide your slippers beneath your bed, while down on your knees, repeat the First Suggestion.

Try it for thirty days. If you are not completely satisfied, I will cheerfully refund your misery.

Good luck.

August
Hi Jim,
This is from my step book, hope this helps a little....

Step Three,
"Made a decission to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

Step three is like the opening of a locked door. How shall we let God into our lives? Willingness is the key. Dependence as a means to independence. Dangers of self-sufficiency. Turning our will over to a Higher Power. Misuse of willpower. Sustained and personal exertion to conform to God's will.

Take care..................................God bless.......................................Bob
Hi Jim,
I'd say just take it easy and do what your doing. Personally the first thing I do when I get up is go to the bathroom, lol, then I brush my teeth make a cup of coffee and light a smoke. Then after I get my things together for my shower is when I usually do my morning prayers. I personally don't wear slippers but my mind is pretty good, I do remember to get on my knees. And through the course of the day for me, the Serenity prayer works great. But now since I realize I don't do it exactly, the way it was suggested to do it exactly, doesn't mean I'm wrong. You'll find whats comfratble for you, just hang in there.
Easy Does It,
Take care..................................God bless.......................................Bob
"My friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems. Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements. Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all. These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never know. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound. For a moment I was alarmed, and called my friend, the doctor, to ask if I were still sane. He listened in wonder as I talked. Finally he shook his head saying, "Something has happened to you I don't understand. But you had better hang on to it. Anything is better than the way you were."


Shalom,

August
Well,
I don't do it my way. I do whats suggested in A.A. and by my sponsor.
It has been brought to my attention that some of what I posted may have been taken in a matter that I did not intend.

By bolding the word "humility" in my post, I did not intend to suggest that Bob's interpretation of Step 3 was incorrect in any way. Fact is, I had not read Bob's post when I wrote mine, and I certainly was not responding to his view of things.

When I read Bob's second rebuttal post, to my post, I did get annoyed and I said something I regreted. It took me about a minute to realize that I was wrong in posting what I did and so I changed my post in an effort to try to draw things back to the central issue, which is the third step and not who is right and who is wrong. Again, I was not attempting to rebut or to manipulate a situation and I apologize to one and all if that was the impression given.

The concept of getting on one's knees is what I was trying to drive home, and this is about humility to me. My post was intended to eliminate as many "loopholes" as I could, in that I have sought them all myself. One of my favorites was that after getting into a morning routine, I would amazingly not have time to say my prayers, so I was told to do them first thing out of bed. Nonetheless, this was certainly not intended to be the central thrust of what I was writing. I apologize to those who took offense with this absolutist approach.

It is hard for me to separate 2 and 3 and whether willingness follows humilty or vice versa. When I was at that point, I was an avowed atheist who had a white light experience,while humbly prostated on my knees, I might add. I worked Steps 2 and 3 in that singular instance, in that once I felt the existence of the Divine presence, any thought or consideration of not following with all my heart was simply out of the question for me.

I made the error or extemporizing from my own expereince (the down on the knees thing) and made that statement about humility without reference to any particular source literature. Therefore, it is abundantly clear to me that Bob is right and that I am incorrect. I apologize for my error.

I will close with some more literature from the source of the 12 Steps, the Big Book of AA. Seems that the more times I read it the more relevant it is in my daily life.

Sincerely,

August


Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kill us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.

* * *

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principle with who we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships, (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were "burned up." On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?
August:

Nice to see you. Thanks for the post.

RAch
Hey Jim, if it helps, step three is the hardest one for me too. I'm going to do my best to use some of the suggestions here. Good luck to you! I also repect your courage and character to come forward to confess to everyone your relapse. I'm really proud of you for starting over and giving it your best shot. Love, Kat
I couldn't use the computer last night and probably can't today either. It's not possible right now given the circumstances at home. That's about all I can say right now.

I've been lying in bed for the past 2 hours saying "Please God save my soul" over and over. I'm so completely broken inside and feel such incredible pain for what I've done to my wife....but I need to stay strong for my wife and kids. She is in incredible pain too, and I am 100% responsible for this ugly mess.

God willing I'll make it thru today and make it to work tomorrow. I will print off what all you wonderful people have written to me. And hopefully be able to respond in kind.

Jim
Jr I'm so sorry for your pain right now I hope I can help you somehow.Talk to us....mj
Hey JR, hang in buddy. I know it looks pretty grim right now on the homefront. I've been there, and I felt the same way you do about the responsibility and blame. Time heals, though. Sometimes all you can do is try to do the next right thing, and have faith it will work out the way it's supposed to. Easier said than done, i know.

August, nice to see you post. I was told to put my car keys under my bed at night. lol It worked -- helped me to remember to hit my knees before leaving the house. M.



JR........

Thank you for posting the very honest account of your recent relapse.
You probably do not realize how beneficial it is to many of us to go through your pain with you. I hear and feel your pain and it adds to my determination.

And reading the posts about the steps is so educational, even to those of us not working the steps. So, something good has come from your relapse, for us and I hope for you, too. Though that may be difficult to see right now, someday you may.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers this week as you begin your IOP. Please know that you are not alone in your recovery and let us help you whenever we can.

Wow, all three of my heros in one thread...

Jim, my sponsor has me reading and reading and reading the 3rd step in the 12 by 12 book. I hate it. And because I hate it, I'm determined to do it, even if it kills me. I have a lot of anger right now so maybe now is not the best time for me to "let go and let god", but I'll keep plugging away. Time takes time, my friend, and you have the rest of your life to do this (the step work part). Be patient and kind and know that you're doing the best that you can.

I have a suggestion of my own...I think your wife needs to read these posts (not the silly ones), maybe she'll have a better understanding of what you're dealing with and at the same time be able to offer more support for you.

I would welcome the chance to talk to her or answer any questions she has.

Stay safe buddy
Cowgirl
Jim,

Just want to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Dont be so hard on yourself. You have always been a great inspiration to me and to so many others. I have relapsed so many times I stopped counting, but thank God everyone here, including yourself, has always welcomed me back and help "pull me back on my feet" - you have done so much for so many - please, try to be kind to yourself. You can and will do it again!! I would like to thank you so much for YOUR helping me.

Love,
Marie
Evening Jim,
Well this thread started as one thing, and turned into another.......I wanted to respond to something that you wrote that really affected me.......

"She is in incredible pain too, and I am 100% responsible for this ugly mess."

Oh Jim, I remember being in the exact same position your wife is in now. Please know that no matter how hurt and upset she is that she still loves you. She just wants the best for you and your children, she wants you to be there to enjoy.....yes enjoy it all with her. What a terrible toll this disease takes on all of us, the addict as well as thier families.....Be gentle with her, and allow her time to move past this. Be kind to yourself as well, you are only human, and not perfect....none of us are.
My thoughts are with both of you tonight,.
Take care,
Tina

Jim, I too struggled so hard with that step. I couldn't fathom it at all, for how was I to know my will and God's will??? I even professed that in meetings..and thank God they never told me to "keep coming back..." I have been around long enough to know that would put me into the "some are sicker than other's" catagory...and my ego couldn't take that..
Jim, part of this "disease" is an obsession of the mind..I watch my own head go off in ways that I still get shocked at.. "just a few pills won't hurt...they are medically nescesary don't ya know...".
I say the prayer August pointed out, and then I check with my gut, also known as the secondary brain to do the right thing.
Just ask God to show you the right way...and damn, if willingness was it, then by God I would have it by now...I was willing to do whatever, and turned around with a pill in my mouth one day..
So,, just ask God to show you, and upon each action, listen to your gut. If the obsession to use overrides the gut...CALL SOMEONE. fAST, AND LET THEM KNOW YOUR INTENTIONS..

AND IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, AUGUST.
Don't let the morons get to you. I almost left my homegroup because some morons were trying to put thier will into mine. I pointed out in the book where it states "see to it that your own house is in order. For you can't trasmit something YOU HAVEN'T GOT."
Peace, Jr..
Kerrywho doesn't know much..but is trying to get it...
Dear Jr Just a quick note to say HELLO & keep looking forwards ok.take care.....mj