The 12 Steps Explained
Step Seven
Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
There are Naranon members who will say that when they first read this Step they thought, This one is for the addict, not me! Because the Twelve Steps were adopted from Narcotics Anonymous, some of us thought they were given to us in Naranon just to let us know about one of the tools the addicts would be using during their recovery. We felt we could pick and choose the steps we wanted to use, believing they could not all apply to us because we were perfect. But, after attending several meetings, it dawned on us that we must also use all of the Steps, including Step Seven. This Step makes us realize that humbly means to yield our will to the Higher Powers will. After this, we then must be willing to ask the Higher Power to remove our flaws.
Before Naranon, many of us believed we had no shortcomings. After all, the addicts did. Naranon opened our eyes so we could see how judgmental, manipulative and self-righteous most of us were. We saw how we manipulated the addict through:
Our moneyYoure not going to get my money to use for drugs.
Our bodiesI dont want to make love to an addict.
Our wordsI cant talk to you and you dont listen.
Our negative attitudesIm better than you because youre an addict.
We knew the best way to live, the right way. Our way was the only way.
Resentment, anger and fear were our emotions. There was no room in our hearts for tolerance, patience and good will. We thought joy and happiness were not ours because of the addict. We blamed our unfortunate state of affairs on the addict. We believed we were justified in our judgments.
When we finally worked on Step Seven and asked the Higher Power to remove these shortcomings, we began to live a better life. We learned to be humble and admit our wrongs. We have found that we dont know what is right for others. We are finding that many of us dont even know what is right for ourselves. We learned we do have choices. Our own joy and happiness is our responsibility.
Through changed attitudes, we know that just like the addicts, we must accept the consequences of our actions. As we use the Steps in our daily affairs, we will continue to humbly ask the Higher Power to remove our shortcomings. Yes, we have shortcomings.
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Step Eight
Made a list of all those we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
If we want to stop reading now, we should realize that the only physical action is the first partto make a list. The second part, became willing indicates that were ready for more recovery. If we dont think we need to make amends for anything, we should look through our Fourth Step work again. Reviewing character defects improves the memory.
Getting this far implies that we now understand we may occasionally have been at fault. All we really need to do is give ourselves some quiet, private time to think about our relationships with other people. Of course, everyones list will be very unique, but there are some general guidelines that can be used.
The first name on the list should be ours. The shiniest haloes are above the ones who have hurt themselves the most. All in the name of helping our addicts, we have delayed or ignored our own health care, sometimes to the point of serious illness. We have cancelled our vacations and dropped out of school. We have berated ourselves for not being perfect. We have scorned our own instincts and distrusted our own judgment. We have made ludicrous financial decisions. We have denied ourselves everything, from flowers to new cars. Would we treat our best friend that way? No! We need to make amends to ourselves for simply not knowing how to cope with our situations. This is not to say that we should write off our mistakes, but we should acknowledge that were not perfect, were not mind readers, and were not gods.
Whos next on the list? Undoubtedly, the people who qualify us for membership in Naranon. Who among us has not been judgmental, antagonistic and insulting, or indifferent, manipulative and callous? Our behavior towards our addicts had not always been considerate and understanding. Speaking from experience, the people who are the nicest on the outside, can be the most spiteful on the inside. Yet, if we are honest, we will have to admit that many of our character defects were evident and even highlighted in our relationship with the addict.
There are many people who have been harmed as a direct result of our dealing with addiction. Did we ignore the needs of our children in our obsession with an addicted spouse? Were we angry and impatient with friends and relatives who tried to give us advice we did not want to hear? Did we cut ourselves off from others in an attempt to protect the secrets resulting from the addiction? Did we lie or engage in some form of illegal conduct in an attempt to cover for the addict? Clearly, all who were affected by such behavior can be added to our list.
As we reflect further, we may conclude that we also have harmed people unrelated to the problem of addiction in our lives. Our character defects existed long before our involvement with the addict. We may list harms done to friends, relatives, colleaguesto people in all areas of our lives.
The next part of this Step is to become willing to make amends. It doesnt say make amends (yet); it just says to become willing. Granted, this willingness may not come easily. The best incentive will be to watch the progress of other Naranon members who have already taken this Step. Without a doubt, the same humility necessary for the Fifth Step (admitting the exact nature of our wrongs) will be needed for true willingness to make amends. Amends absolutely cannot come from a heart still filled with resentment. The honesty and insight that has grown from working the earlier Steps may lead us to see that we can make little further progress without cleaning up the past by making these amends.
What?! Me, make amends? This is absurd. What about my husband? He was the one who was high all day. He was the one who couldnt finish college or keep a job. He was the one hitting me when he got too high (or too low). I was the one with the steady salary. I was the one who did the chores. And it was my credit rating that was wiped out by bankruptcy, thanks to his drug addiction.
I never sympathized with his pain. I didnt even try to understand his problems. On a more subtle level, I started judging him and other people too. No one could compare with me and my dedication, my tenacity, my heroic martyrdom.
I was the good one. I didnt hurt anyone and I dont have any amends to make. Well, maybe I shouldnt have called that drug dealer a revolting worm, but he really asked for it. I guess it was dumb to hit my husband back just because he hit me first. My friends must have been hurt when I stopped seeing them because he didnt like them. It was certainly wrong to lie to family members to get money from them.
All right, maybe I do have a list to make."
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Step Nine
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Getting to the Ninth Step has not been easy. Many of us had a hard time seeing that we had harmed anyone. Our struggle with the physical, emotional and spiritual wreckage caused by addiction convince us that others were the cause of what had gone wrong.
Working the preceding Steps helped us recognize our part in the troubles in our lives. In the Eighth Step, we made a list of those we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. One name which may have been omitted from this list is our own. We in Naranon often demand perfection of ourselves and are inevitably disappointed when we do not meet this impossible standard.
In essence, Step Nine is a forgiveness of ourselves, expressed to those we have harmed. Sharing our inadequacies and shortcomings with others will be easier when we fully forgive ourselves.
Step Nine is an essential element in our relationship with our Higher Power. Its not that making amends to others is a precondition imposed upon us by our Higher Power. If our Seventh Step request that our Higher Power remove our shortcomings is genuine, we will inevitably feel a deep need to clean up the messes we made.
Bringing ourselves to forgive is sometimes difficult; anger and resentment which may have been accumulating for years are powerful obstacles. Forgiveness is simply an acceptance of each persons humanity, including all the imperfections, and a release of the angry emotions which keep us separated from each other.
The Ninth Step directs us to make amends to those we have harmed. What does it mean to make amends? The dictionary defines amends as compensation for a loss or injury. This definition does not refer to apologizing or saying we are sorry, something we may have assumed was required by the Ninth Step. Changed behavior is a more sincere means of making amends.
We most likely need to make amends to the addict. Initially, this may be difficult to face. We have been through months and years of frustration, and are angry and resentful as a result. Yet these are the reasons these amends need to be made. Sometimes it takes the Higher Power to show us the means, the time, and the place to do this.
We must be willing to make amends even where we fear others will be unable to forgive us. Sometimes we will be greatly surprised by the response we receive. Other times, the relationship is beyond mending. Ultimately, the response of others is not important. The real work to be done is in us. As we consciously apply the changed attitudes we have developed in the earlier Steps to the process of making amends, we will experience the rich satisfaction of forgivenessof ourselves and others.
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Giving credit where credit is due:
From Naranon Family Groups of Calgary, Alberta, Canada
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