well my husbean, is going away, to detoxe bye himself, for a few days, im not to crazy about this, but what can i say no, he feel,s like he has to do this this way, its not going good with my son eather, he is drinking himself to death, and the thing that gets me, is he never drank before, it seems like my famile is falling apart, im still sturgling with my soberty, and i just don,t now what to say to my son, enymoer, it hurts me so mush to srr him live like this, this is not the person i rased, and off couers the kids are in this too, and there acting out big time, what a mess, i know i can only help me but i feel so helples, thanks karen,
Karen,first off,why is your husband going into detox? I thought he weht to rehab and is clean,thats why he has been so hard on you?
I can surely sympathise with your s siutuation with your son and the grandchildren.It hurts so much to watch your children destroying their lives and his poor children are lost in the whole mess! Your hands are tied,theres nothing you can do.Continue to tell him you love him,you care,but he need s help and he needs to do it for his kids.
I hope you have some input with your grandchildren? Do you get them sometimes? Can you sit and talk with them,Be there for them answer questions if they need help dealing with all thats going on.I feel so badly for the kids,thats the toughest part.im going through something similar,and im very lucky that my ex DIL lets me take the grandchildren whenever i want.Shes truly a sweetheart.
Karen,i always read your posts and wish there were some way i could help.if you ever feel like talking through email,please feel free,my address is below. Keep trying,dont give up,for all of your family and yourself.It all begins with YOURSELF,you cant be much help til you help yourself.Take care~KIM
I can surely sympathise with your s siutuation with your son and the grandchildren.It hurts so much to watch your children destroying their lives and his poor children are lost in the whole mess! Your hands are tied,theres nothing you can do.Continue to tell him you love him,you care,but he need s help and he needs to do it for his kids.
I hope you have some input with your grandchildren? Do you get them sometimes? Can you sit and talk with them,Be there for them answer questions if they need help dealing with all thats going on.I feel so badly for the kids,thats the toughest part.im going through something similar,and im very lucky that my ex DIL lets me take the grandchildren whenever i want.Shes truly a sweetheart.
Karen,i always read your posts and wish there were some way i could help.if you ever feel like talking through email,please feel free,my address is below. Keep trying,dont give up,for all of your family and yourself.It all begins with YOURSELF,you cant be much help til you help yourself.Take care~KIM
I'm confused as well karen. Your husband is clean, right? What is he detoxing? You say that you are struggling with your own sobriety, oh yes you are. Are you clean right now? What about meetings? I echo what Kim said, it's got to come from you kiddo, no one else.
thanks kim, and yes my husbien went thro that narconon, last year, but in the last 6months his gone back on the perks, so we have both realy strugling, and he came to me on monday and said, he wants to go away, to detoxi, well i was a lettle chocked, he said a few weeks ago, i had to make a dission, our marige our the pills, well i was had suerger on my back so it was hard to do it, then, so a few weeks have gone buy, and iv not wanted to talk about it, in a lot off denil. just praying this would not come to this, but it has, so i have 4days to my self to desed, i know i want that peace back, in my life, and i want my son to see us, do the writ thing, im just not suer if i want to go back into recovory, if i do it, will not be the same one, and yes the kids are in my life vary mush, i have them 4days a week, somtimes its to much, and then i have to take moer pain meds, becuse i don,t have thr engery to do, it, ther mother is having a nother babby,and shehas a 1year, one at home, so i help a lot my gierls, im like there mother not gradmother, latly, and the same with my husbied, becuse my son is not doing well, so we atre rasing kids all over, again, but i would not chang it, they are my life writ now, im realy scared to ddo this, and im in a lot off fear, he has not called me our told me were he was going, just that hill be back friday, this does not sit well with me, i would never go away with out telling him were im going, what do you think, today im felling, vary lost, and lonly, thanks for your email i will writ, its helps me to be able to shere this, thanks karen.
Props to your husband.He is making a healthy decision.I don't blame him one bit for giving you an ultimatum.
By your own admission here
you are choosing another way.
Karen,what is going to be your bottom?
By your own admission here
| QUOTE |
| im just not suer if i want to go back into recovory |
you are choosing another way.
Karen,what is going to be your bottom?
tim im not upset his gone away, im upset, his not called, no im not chosseing the other way, im chosseing my marieg, ive been maried for 29, years, but ther has to be changes on both parts, my husbied has not been a saint, we booth plaed a part in this, i get the feeling you don,t like me, that is fine im ,karen.
| QUOTE |
| i get the feeling you don,t like me, that is fine im ,karen. |
Not at all
.I just get frustrated after two years hearing the same sh*t over and over.Nothing is going to change in your life until you take some action and quit making it about everybody else.This is not new material.If you're intention is for everyone to make you feel good while you are killing yourself,I don't play that game.Maybe some others will but they won't be doing you any favors.
If you need to get mad at me,that's o.k. with me.If it might make you start actually taking some action........that's even better.
The only thing I want Karen is for you to save your life.Addiction will kill you.It's not a game.Get help now.
Good Luck
Tim with all due respect, cause I do agree with just about everything you type...but it is about as hard as one can imagine to be in a marriage where you and your spouse are both addicts...hard core addicts. I understand her just wanting her marriage back. but it doesn't work like that.
I did it for two years too, and I was , i really was sick of it. it paralyzed me to where it was impossible to ever be different. I thought love and a better marriage would fix everything, but there's no such thing when you're popping up to 15-20 perc's a day.
Something will have to happen. I don't know and don't want to think about what would have happened if i would not have found this sub doctor. but i looked and looked and when i went to her office i was jumping out of my skin and crying in withdrawl. if she would have said no and turned me away, i probably would have sat outside her door all day until something happened. if that didn't work i was going to the hospital for 2 weeks.
Karen, i wish you all the best, just be patient, let him do what he thinks he has to do and support him for it.
if you're not ready to quit and you want to keep your marriage, you don't need to have any drugs around your husband. he doesn't even need to hear that you are still using or thinking about pills....
good luck
stac
I did it for two years too, and I was , i really was sick of it. it paralyzed me to where it was impossible to ever be different. I thought love and a better marriage would fix everything, but there's no such thing when you're popping up to 15-20 perc's a day.
Something will have to happen. I don't know and don't want to think about what would have happened if i would not have found this sub doctor. but i looked and looked and when i went to her office i was jumping out of my skin and crying in withdrawl. if she would have said no and turned me away, i probably would have sat outside her door all day until something happened. if that didn't work i was going to the hospital for 2 weeks.
Karen, i wish you all the best, just be patient, let him do what he thinks he has to do and support him for it.
if you're not ready to quit and you want to keep your marriage, you don't need to have any drugs around your husband. he doesn't even need to hear that you are still using or thinking about pills....
good luck
stac
Faith, I know everyone here wants the best for you.
I can only add something that drove it all home to me -
"There is no easier, softer way. If nothing changes, nothing changes".
I read that and stopped taking pps that day. My life is changing, for the better every day. It has not always been easy - but, it is BETTER!
Good luck and I am praying for you and your family. Gracie
I can only add something that drove it all home to me -
"There is no easier, softer way. If nothing changes, nothing changes".
I read that and stopped taking pps that day. My life is changing, for the better every day. It has not always been easy - but, it is BETTER!
Good luck and I am praying for you and your family. Gracie
Gracie...I have kept up on your posts and would like to commend you for the insight you have already gotten so very early in recovery..kee up the good work...you are worth it. There WILL be a day when I can say the same and I know people like you will continue to inspire me...really...it is the only reason I comeback after being pissed off...the miraccles I see. Love, Sharonn
Karen,
A few weeks ago I went c/t off lortabs. I don't want to get into all the details but basically my husband found out one day how bad my addiction had become. He was frustrated and angry because I've been through this more then once. We basically had a huge fight and I had to quit pills that day. Those first few days I just kept asking him if our marraige was going to be okay. He kept telling me that I shouldn't even be worried about that right now because no matter what I needed to get myself better with or without him. After the first 3 days of w/d, I realized that I wanted to clean my life up for me. Nothing else in my life, my marraige, my relationship with my daughter and family, was going to work until I took care of myself. I still have a long way to go but now I know I'm doing this for the right reason. You really can't worry about your husband or your son because you need to get your own life in order before you can be of any help to others. I really do wish you all the best.
Shelly
A few weeks ago I went c/t off lortabs. I don't want to get into all the details but basically my husband found out one day how bad my addiction had become. He was frustrated and angry because I've been through this more then once. We basically had a huge fight and I had to quit pills that day. Those first few days I just kept asking him if our marraige was going to be okay. He kept telling me that I shouldn't even be worried about that right now because no matter what I needed to get myself better with or without him. After the first 3 days of w/d, I realized that I wanted to clean my life up for me. Nothing else in my life, my marraige, my relationship with my daughter and family, was going to work until I took care of myself. I still have a long way to go but now I know I'm doing this for the right reason. You really can't worry about your husband or your son because you need to get your own life in order before you can be of any help to others. I really do wish you all the best.
Shelly
Shelly...
That was a touching post...you said
You're on your way, baby....keep up the great work and thank you for sharing...
xoxo
Stacey
That was a touching post...you said
| QUOTE |
| Nothing else in my life, my marraige, my relationship with my daughter and family, was going to work until I took care of myself. I still have a long way to go but now I know I'm doing this for the right reason. |
You're on your way, baby....keep up the great work and thank you for sharing...
xoxo
Stacey
Karen,
You need to read and re-read Shelly's post to you. That is exactly right! Nothing in your life will work or make sense while you are using. Do you understand that. This is the single MOST important thing you will ever to for yourself and your family.
Both of you are stuck in the cycle of addiction. Both of you have to get clean and remain that way. It has to be done together. It sounds like he is ready but you are not. If you don't embrace recovery you will continue in this downward cycle of feeling sad, lost, lonely and confused.
Nothing changes if nothing changes!
I understand where Tim is coming from and I know that it has nothing to whether he like you or not. He is a recovering addict and has a real good amount of clean time and is talking from experience.
It is hard to see you and your entire family caught up in this cycle...and the bad news is...it doesn't get any better if you do nothing.
You have to look at what is available to you....and get healthy in any way possible. But if you are not sure yet....then you have to ask yourself...What am I willing to loose???
You have the opportunity to break this cycle...not only for you but for your grandchildren. What a gift to give them...to show them by example how to live a healthy clean life. Free of addiction.
If things continue the way they are...I would bet dollars to doughnuts that those kids have a very good chance of becoming addicts as well.
Do you want that for them? I don't think you do. I think you love them very much but you are NO good to them right now. You are hurting them....not to mention yourself.
Your hubby has made the right decision...again....you must also make the right decision. You know in your heart that your marriage doesnt stand a chance if you both don't get help. You need a good strong program, go find one Karen...its life or death!
I pray for you....you have to stop sooner or later...why not before the damage is unrepairable. The problem is not your husband, son, grand-kids, daughter in law, neighbour or the rehabs in your area! The problem is YOU!
What is it going to be??? Don't give up on life!
You need to read and re-read Shelly's post to you. That is exactly right! Nothing in your life will work or make sense while you are using. Do you understand that. This is the single MOST important thing you will ever to for yourself and your family.
Both of you are stuck in the cycle of addiction. Both of you have to get clean and remain that way. It has to be done together. It sounds like he is ready but you are not. If you don't embrace recovery you will continue in this downward cycle of feeling sad, lost, lonely and confused.
Nothing changes if nothing changes!
I understand where Tim is coming from and I know that it has nothing to whether he like you or not. He is a recovering addict and has a real good amount of clean time and is talking from experience.
It is hard to see you and your entire family caught up in this cycle...and the bad news is...it doesn't get any better if you do nothing.
You have to look at what is available to you....and get healthy in any way possible. But if you are not sure yet....then you have to ask yourself...What am I willing to loose???
You have the opportunity to break this cycle...not only for you but for your grandchildren. What a gift to give them...to show them by example how to live a healthy clean life. Free of addiction.
If things continue the way they are...I would bet dollars to doughnuts that those kids have a very good chance of becoming addicts as well.
Do you want that for them? I don't think you do. I think you love them very much but you are NO good to them right now. You are hurting them....not to mention yourself.
Your hubby has made the right decision...again....you must also make the right decision. You know in your heart that your marriage doesnt stand a chance if you both don't get help. You need a good strong program, go find one Karen...its life or death!
I pray for you....you have to stop sooner or later...why not before the damage is unrepairable. The problem is not your husband, son, grand-kids, daughter in law, neighbour or the rehabs in your area! The problem is YOU!
What is it going to be??? Don't give up on life!
A healthy marriage isn't possible unless both you and your husband are healthy and clean. You can't do anything for him or your marriage until you start taking care of yourself. It's a fantasy if you think otherwise.
I also think that if Tim didn't like you or didn't care, he would waste his time posting to you. Just like the rest of us. We do care.
I also think that if Tim didn't like you or didn't care, he would waste his time posting to you. Just like the rest of us. We do care.
thankyou for your onesty, all off yous, you are so write ive been so caught, up, in what is going on with everone else that it, takes the foucos off me, i have to do this for me, i know thats the only way it, will work, i have 3chosees, back to brentwood, recovory, for 3months our a nother one that i here is good but its 1hour away, our stay on the pills a losse everthing, my heart is realy going towards, the one out off towne, i think it will be good for me to go away to do this, last year when i was in b-wood, ill i did was worry about the kids my hubby, and it was to hard, you see my hole famile is involed with the b-wood progranm, so nothing is privet,there at all, thats always been a stumbling block for me, im calling a addivtion place today, wish me luck, i have till friday before my hubby comes home i hope. im going to a metting today. thanks again, ps, tim sorry, i was just upset, i gusse, if you dident caer you would have not said nothing, love karen,
Karen-You don't need to apologize.It took me half my life to get this.Im not some prodigy that grasped recovery the first time.
I think that's an excellent ideal to go away some place different.
Do it for yourself Karen.Once you get clean,everything changes.You may not even look at your marriage the same way.
I know some incredible sober women today.They got careers in mid-life and changed their whole attitudes about needing a man to be complete.....not that you can't have man too.LOL
Hang in there.I will be your biggest fan if you just make an effort.
Good Luck
I think that's an excellent ideal to go away some place different.
Do it for yourself Karen.Once you get clean,everything changes.You may not even look at your marriage the same way.
I know some incredible sober women today.They got careers in mid-life and changed their whole attitudes about needing a man to be complete.....not that you can't have man too.LOL
Hang in there.I will be your biggest fan if you just make an effort.
Good Luck
