Well its day 5 and most of the worst of the wds are past,but of course none of the other feelings are gone. I think the worst for me is the guilt of all the things I've done the stealing, I mean I even stole pills from my mom who is fighting cancer how sick is that, and believe me she is my world she is my best friend and soul mate. We do everything together. Does she know I have a problem? no I don't think so I am so good at the lies and I keep everything together I take care of her and my Dad when she is at the worst with the chemo so hey I look like the Golden child don't I. Funny thing is growing up I always thought she favored my brother I mean he had great grades always did well in everything he did but now he lives so far he can't really be here for Mom and he left right after college so its been her and I ever since. I have always thought I was a good person a good mother a good wife and daughter, but then I realized why can't I do it without the drugs I mean why do I have to have the pills to make my life seem so perfect. I know all the pitfalls of the drugs you start off feeling great and thinking look at all I am getting done how can these be bad but eventually I am doing more and more not wanting to go anywhere because it interferes with my drug taking time I have not taken my son out for quite a while and I don't want to be remembered this way, I just fear I won't feel that "high" ever again and life seems so boring. I know this is one of the stages of the w/ds the depression I just want so badly to get better for everyone. I mean I can do this can't I?
Roxy
Oh Roxy...you could be telling my story. Seriously. I did the same thing to my mom when she was sick with cancer. Stole her pills. You aren't unique and you're not alone.
The important thing is that you're getting your life back. What are you doing for yourself to help with the mental part of all of this?
Lisa
The important thing is that you're getting your life back. What are you doing for yourself to help with the mental part of all of this?
Lisa
Hey Lisa,
Right now I am trying to just get clean and using this board as my support system. No I am not going to meetings nor does my family know of my addiction. I truly want to beat this and I know all the pitfalls of trying to do it alone but I cannot have my Mom tackling this while she is so sick. I have started a journal and hope to be able to use this site. Also I flushed a bunch of pills so thats where I am
Roxy
Right now I am trying to just get clean and using this board as my support system. No I am not going to meetings nor does my family know of my addiction. I truly want to beat this and I know all the pitfalls of trying to do it alone but I cannot have my Mom tackling this while she is so sick. I have started a journal and hope to be able to use this site. Also I flushed a bunch of pills so thats where I am
Roxy
It's a good start Roxy. Sometimes we can only do the best we can. I understand you not wanting to hurt your mom with all of this when she's sick. Something to tackle when she gets better, ok? The lies and dishonesty don't work. You have to be able to let go of it.
What about private counseling? That would be easy to explain?
What about private counseling? That would be easy to explain?
Lisa
I am thinking at this time I can do this on my own well with the board to help too I am just not willing nor do I think I ever will be to tell my family. Yes I know it is within the steps to make up for your past right your wrongs but if I am hurting those by telling them then whats the sense? I know people will think that it is a rationalization but I don't see myself telling my mom I don't know that she will get better and that will be a mountain to tackle but I truly want to take this one day at a time. Does it seem reasonable to do I don't know but for now it is what I can do I just hope to keep getting the support I get here, and when I am truly feeling better I want to keep coming here I think that is when I relapse I think I can take one and be ok I now know that is NOT POSSIBLE. so hang in there with me will ya maybe my way is not conventional but we do what we can do huh?
Roxy
I am thinking at this time I can do this on my own well with the board to help too I am just not willing nor do I think I ever will be to tell my family. Yes I know it is within the steps to make up for your past right your wrongs but if I am hurting those by telling them then whats the sense? I know people will think that it is a rationalization but I don't see myself telling my mom I don't know that she will get better and that will be a mountain to tackle but I truly want to take this one day at a time. Does it seem reasonable to do I don't know but for now it is what I can do I just hope to keep getting the support I get here, and when I am truly feeling better I want to keep coming here I think that is when I relapse I think I can take one and be ok I now know that is NOT POSSIBLE. so hang in there with me will ya maybe my way is not conventional but we do what we can do huh?
Roxy
Hi Roxy, Did I read that this is day 5 for you? You sound so much better then I was. How much were you taking and for how long, can I ask? You said you went through this before how long were you off of it? Did you get to a point that you ever really felt good without it? Did you start taking it again because it was there? Sorry that is a lot of questions I know.
Roxy,
You are doing well honey
I used to think the same thing so often...would i never feel that high or total euphoric happiness again...but believe it or not..you can and will...thats what endorphins do for us...its the brains natural means of pain killing and that with serotonin ( when your are making enough again) will one day make you feel that kind of happiness...it can be over a moment with loved ones, time in nature...varies for different individuals and what kind of person you are..but it does and can come back..i promise..
I am not a 12 stepper by any means, but from when i read the steps, i wondered the same thing...why should we make a list of those that we have done wrong to ( 4th step???) and then on the next step, go and make the ammends, which to me is self serving, and may really upset people that were none the wiser that you had done something mean to them...your Mom for example.....she has cancer, does she reallyneed the added stress of worrying about your situation, knowing you stole pills from her?? its a hrd one to get your mind around..i understand what your saying..
the one thing i can say though honey, is BECAUSE shes your Mom, you can bet the farm that if she did know, she'd forgive you....like only a Mom can..
Hugs
Ali
You are doing well honey
I used to think the same thing so often...would i never feel that high or total euphoric happiness again...but believe it or not..you can and will...thats what endorphins do for us...its the brains natural means of pain killing and that with serotonin ( when your are making enough again) will one day make you feel that kind of happiness...it can be over a moment with loved ones, time in nature...varies for different individuals and what kind of person you are..but it does and can come back..i promise..
I am not a 12 stepper by any means, but from when i read the steps, i wondered the same thing...why should we make a list of those that we have done wrong to ( 4th step???) and then on the next step, go and make the ammends, which to me is self serving, and may really upset people that were none the wiser that you had done something mean to them...your Mom for example.....she has cancer, does she reallyneed the added stress of worrying about your situation, knowing you stole pills from her?? its a hrd one to get your mind around..i understand what your saying..
the one thing i can say though honey, is BECAUSE shes your Mom, you can bet the farm that if she did know, she'd forgive you....like only a Mom can..
Hugs
Ali
Hope today is a better day Roxy...you are so much like I was. I didn't think I could tell anyone either, that it would hurt them more to know than not. But what I found out is that it hurt me more and kept me sick. I couldn't do this without my family and friends. I needed them in order to get better.
You do what you have to do and you know this board is here for you 100%. Hopefully one day, you'll get to a point where you can trust.
Lisa
You do what you have to do and you know this board is here for you 100%. Hopefully one day, you'll get to a point where you can trust.
Lisa
