Hello all, just a quick note to say i am still hovering around here and am still clean.. just had a few things on my mind and didn't feel i had much of use to say in posting.
AEA i've been reading your posts and am happy you're managing to stay strong through it all - though i didn't click about the counting crows reference till you pointed it out! surprising since it's one of my favourite albums :) I'm also mulling over going to AA/NA but find the whole idea of it a bit intimidating. I wonder if people will think i'm some weirdo for attending because of cannabis addiction - since it's not widely recognised as an addictive drug. I wonder if people will think i'm a saddo when there are people there with addictions to harder drugs or alcohol.. I also wonder if i'll run into people i used to know (and don't want to run into again!) as it's a fairly small town i live in.
anyway there's a friend i've been having problems with and it's been getting me down, which has left me in a quiet mood the last few days. that's why i haven't posted but i am still hanging out behind the scenes here. we used to be really good friends but now every time i speak to her she makes me feel about two feet tall and an idiot. i'm hanging on wanting to get back to how the friendship used to be, but in my heart i know it can't happen. the only reason i haven't cut communication with her completely is because she always makes me feel i'm in the wrong.. she says i've changed since stopping smoking and am being paranoid and neurotic. If anything i feel far less paranoid and neurotic than when i was smoking, but it's a raw nerve for me at the moment and she just leaves me questioning myself over and over. she keeps telling me i'm screwed up and need help, and i know i'm not the most mentally healthy person in the world, but i'm generally okay until she tells me that!! her life revolves around drugs, casual sex and sponging off people (including me until recently - five months free rent and a loan of several hundred pounds which i've had to write off). I kind of suspect she puts me down just to make her feel the bigger person, but in reality i'm the one with a steady job and trying to build a better life. I'm quite annoyed with myself for letting her do it but in a silly way i still care about her and want to help her sort herself out. more fool me!!
not a healthy friendship any more and i feel a woos for not ending it, maybe i will sometime soon. i was doing fine till she phoned the other day :(
well that's the end of my rant, i needed to get it off my chest a bit.
i wish you all well, hopefully i'll post a bit more again now but please don't be offended if i don't.. i am still here and drawing strength from you all x.
Trying,
I used to have a friendship similar to what you are describing and it took me ten years to realize a friendship is give and take and with my friend it was just take take take. I have a hard time ending frienships, and especially with this one because I was one of his only friends and I thouhgt if I leave who will he have. I especially identified with what you said about making you feel worse makes her feel better. When people are insecure with themselves and you accomplish doing something that makes your life better, it makes them feel worse about themself, and they turn this on you (this kind of friend anyway) This summer I had finally had enough and gave up. After countless attempts of trying to save the friendship I knew feeling so bad about myself after visits with this peson and so angry did not make the freindship worthwhile. Since then I have not regretted cutting ties once. A book that may help you is by Jan Yager, called When Friendship Hurts. Also don't ever let anyone tell you are something less then they expect you to be. I used to have a boyfriend who told me I was not normal, we would get into huge arguments about this and we finally ended up breaking up for this very reason. Because I was an individual I felt I was going to be exactly who I was and if he couldn't accept that then I didn't need nor want to be with him. Our differences are what make us unique. We are all normal, defined by ourselves. A true friend woould never say and do the things she does to you. Just something to think about. Excellent work with your recovery! Keep in touch.
rubie
I used to have a friendship similar to what you are describing and it took me ten years to realize a friendship is give and take and with my friend it was just take take take. I have a hard time ending frienships, and especially with this one because I was one of his only friends and I thouhgt if I leave who will he have. I especially identified with what you said about making you feel worse makes her feel better. When people are insecure with themselves and you accomplish doing something that makes your life better, it makes them feel worse about themself, and they turn this on you (this kind of friend anyway) This summer I had finally had enough and gave up. After countless attempts of trying to save the friendship I knew feeling so bad about myself after visits with this peson and so angry did not make the freindship worthwhile. Since then I have not regretted cutting ties once. A book that may help you is by Jan Yager, called When Friendship Hurts. Also don't ever let anyone tell you are something less then they expect you to be. I used to have a boyfriend who told me I was not normal, we would get into huge arguments about this and we finally ended up breaking up for this very reason. Because I was an individual I felt I was going to be exactly who I was and if he couldn't accept that then I didn't need nor want to be with him. Our differences are what make us unique. We are all normal, defined by ourselves. A true friend woould never say and do the things she does to you. Just something to think about. Excellent work with your recovery! Keep in touch.
rubie
Trying, glad you are hanging in there. Regarding going to meetings, my suggestion would be to go and not say much at first. Like you, I was very concerned about showing up at an NA meeting with only a pot monkey on my back. I felt like I didnt have much status among heroin and meth users. There may have been a sentiment to that effect there: sometimes folks into a p**ing contest as to who was the worst abuser of all and I never tried to win those contests.
I switched to AA because the crowd was a little less biker bar and a little more Brooks Brothers. I really never raised my hand and said I was there for cannabis addiction. I would just say that I had made a decision to quit alcohol and leave it at that. As the months passed, people slowly clued to the fact that I was there primarily for pot, but nobody held it against me. There were lots of folks in the rooms with problems like cocaine, which did not become addictive until about 1985 (smirk) and marijuana, which did not become addictive until sometime in the 1990s (double smirk). Folks in the rooms have a more evolved view of addiction than does the general public.
You might run into some folks you know at a meeting, but the good news is that they probably will not reveal your presence there to anyone else. Everyone has an equal stake in anonymity, and if someone wags their tongue about seeing you there, well, he has admitted that he was there too.
Regarding your relationship with your friend, believe it or not, the best place to get some really good input on these kinds of issues is at a meeting. These types of problems come part and parcel with addiction. We like to say that our using drugs and alcohol is but a symptom of a deeper disease. The criticism you are encountering is rooted partially in the fact that your brain is still adjusting to life without the drugs, and partially to the fact that in quitting, you are disrupting the balance of your friends known universe.
I can give you a preview of what you might hear if you start attending meetings and focusing on this issue: What this person thinks about you is none of your business. In essence no one has the power to make us feel insignificant. We addicts do, however, attract a certain manipulative breed, which will prey on our lack of self-esteem for their own purposes. Much as we might like to think of ourselves as victims of this kind of behavior, we are not. We are volunteers. In the meetings, addicts learn how to alter their thought processes in a manner that slowly reverse the damage caused by years of low self-esteem. As our self-esteem improves, we learn better techniques for parrying the kinds of jabs that are slipping between your ribs right now.
A second preview of the advice you might receive in the rooms: Addicts need to seek new faces and new places. If you are not in a committed relationship with this person and if you have not children with her, and if she is not being supportive in your efforts to quit smoking and live a better life, well, what I did to those folks when I quit was to give them the old heave ho.
There were a few people in my life when I quit. They fell into two categories: those who supported me in my effort to quit (this group is still with me today) and those who resisted and attempted to subvert my efforts. I quickly gave these folks the boot. Turns out they were not as interested in my friendship as in my stash and my bankroll.
Remember that Paul Simon song about 50 ways to leave your lover? Hey, No need to be coy, Roy. Just drop off the Key, Lee, and set yourself free.
Take care,
August
I switched to AA because the crowd was a little less biker bar and a little more Brooks Brothers. I really never raised my hand and said I was there for cannabis addiction. I would just say that I had made a decision to quit alcohol and leave it at that. As the months passed, people slowly clued to the fact that I was there primarily for pot, but nobody held it against me. There were lots of folks in the rooms with problems like cocaine, which did not become addictive until about 1985 (smirk) and marijuana, which did not become addictive until sometime in the 1990s (double smirk). Folks in the rooms have a more evolved view of addiction than does the general public.
You might run into some folks you know at a meeting, but the good news is that they probably will not reveal your presence there to anyone else. Everyone has an equal stake in anonymity, and if someone wags their tongue about seeing you there, well, he has admitted that he was there too.
Regarding your relationship with your friend, believe it or not, the best place to get some really good input on these kinds of issues is at a meeting. These types of problems come part and parcel with addiction. We like to say that our using drugs and alcohol is but a symptom of a deeper disease. The criticism you are encountering is rooted partially in the fact that your brain is still adjusting to life without the drugs, and partially to the fact that in quitting, you are disrupting the balance of your friends known universe.
I can give you a preview of what you might hear if you start attending meetings and focusing on this issue: What this person thinks about you is none of your business. In essence no one has the power to make us feel insignificant. We addicts do, however, attract a certain manipulative breed, which will prey on our lack of self-esteem for their own purposes. Much as we might like to think of ourselves as victims of this kind of behavior, we are not. We are volunteers. In the meetings, addicts learn how to alter their thought processes in a manner that slowly reverse the damage caused by years of low self-esteem. As our self-esteem improves, we learn better techniques for parrying the kinds of jabs that are slipping between your ribs right now.
A second preview of the advice you might receive in the rooms: Addicts need to seek new faces and new places. If you are not in a committed relationship with this person and if you have not children with her, and if she is not being supportive in your efforts to quit smoking and live a better life, well, what I did to those folks when I quit was to give them the old heave ho.
There were a few people in my life when I quit. They fell into two categories: those who supported me in my effort to quit (this group is still with me today) and those who resisted and attempted to subvert my efforts. I quickly gave these folks the boot. Turns out they were not as interested in my friendship as in my stash and my bankroll.
Remember that Paul Simon song about 50 ways to leave your lover? Hey, No need to be coy, Roy. Just drop off the Key, Lee, and set yourself free.
Take care,
August
hi all- just want to say all your posts are helping to keep me ontrack. great to have a place to check into and find peeps in the same place/mindset as myself. i love your stories and can relate to each one... rubie what you write about finding it easier to do things without the urge tugging at you, AEA, to let folks into your home again... it's all me too!
i can't see myself going to AA (though i did check out the schedule for marijuana annon. meetings) but that is another thread for another time. but in the meantime i'm diggin' the CLARITY. the nights are much better and the dreams are settling down from technicolor epics to those still outrageous but full of insight in them. recognizing the people and the places... amazing. it's such a process and for the first time in years i'm enjoying this ride. to wake thinking clear is a gift. yesterday AEA pulled up an old post from october where i had gone clean for 5 days or so... didn't work out. i hated reading my old words i couldn't wait till the post slipped back down ... that was such a bad time for me and i hated to read it all again but i forced myself and am glad i did. in the here and now i think i needed that time then to face all this now.
not to say it's all easy it's not... i just feel like i've crossed a threshold... ready for more. making a plan for tomorrow. mondays are always hard for me. even high they were hard for me... so today i am making a schedule and plan for tomorrow!
onto the day here. the sun is shining for the first time in weeks it seems.
have a great clean day all!
peace-
jane
i can't see myself going to AA (though i did check out the schedule for marijuana annon. meetings) but that is another thread for another time. but in the meantime i'm diggin' the CLARITY. the nights are much better and the dreams are settling down from technicolor epics to those still outrageous but full of insight in them. recognizing the people and the places... amazing. it's such a process and for the first time in years i'm enjoying this ride. to wake thinking clear is a gift. yesterday AEA pulled up an old post from october where i had gone clean for 5 days or so... didn't work out. i hated reading my old words i couldn't wait till the post slipped back down ... that was such a bad time for me and i hated to read it all again but i forced myself and am glad i did. in the here and now i think i needed that time then to face all this now.
not to say it's all easy it's not... i just feel like i've crossed a threshold... ready for more. making a plan for tomorrow. mondays are always hard for me. even high they were hard for me... so today i am making a schedule and plan for tomorrow!
onto the day here. the sun is shining for the first time in weeks it seems.
have a great clean day all!
peace-
jane
good morning! just a quick update here..
thanks for the helpful replies, i have been jumping through hoops with this friend for so long now and it's been tearing be apart, but last night i finally brought it to an end. i wished her well and asked her not to contact me again.
i guess she's figured she's had out of me all that she's going to get so hopefully i won't hear from her now. it's awful to have had to do this but it really was getting unhealthy.
she came across as so caring and nice and i shared so many personal things with her, but all she did was throw them right back at me when she'd had what she wanted. i don't want to be pulled around by her any more and get bitter, and need to focus on my recovery and a better life, so have done the deed. it hasn't made me very happy but hopefully i can move on and put it all behind me.
i've also ordered a copy of that book you recommended rubie.. found a second-hand copy and figured $2.39 was a small price to pay to get a better insight into friendships going wrong. thanks for the recommendation, maybe i can avoid this in future :)
and thanks August for your tips on attending AA/NA, this is something i'm thinking about a lot.
..oh, and i have no children with this 'friend' - it would be difficult since i'm a girl!! hehe. sorry but i think looking back i've never made it clear so my mistake, for the record perhaps i should give a little bio:
age 27, gender female, status single with no kids (but one kitten!), location England.
hope you're all doing well, Trying x.
thanks for the helpful replies, i have been jumping through hoops with this friend for so long now and it's been tearing be apart, but last night i finally brought it to an end. i wished her well and asked her not to contact me again.
i guess she's figured she's had out of me all that she's going to get so hopefully i won't hear from her now. it's awful to have had to do this but it really was getting unhealthy.
she came across as so caring and nice and i shared so many personal things with her, but all she did was throw them right back at me when she'd had what she wanted. i don't want to be pulled around by her any more and get bitter, and need to focus on my recovery and a better life, so have done the deed. it hasn't made me very happy but hopefully i can move on and put it all behind me.
i've also ordered a copy of that book you recommended rubie.. found a second-hand copy and figured $2.39 was a small price to pay to get a better insight into friendships going wrong. thanks for the recommendation, maybe i can avoid this in future :)
and thanks August for your tips on attending AA/NA, this is something i'm thinking about a lot.
..oh, and i have no children with this 'friend' - it would be difficult since i'm a girl!! hehe. sorry but i think looking back i've never made it clear so my mistake, for the record perhaps i should give a little bio:
age 27, gender female, status single with no kids (but one kitten!), location England.
hope you're all doing well, Trying x.
Trying so glad to hear that things are going well with you. Sorry I haven't written in a few days but I rolled outta bed sick a couple days ago and I've just been nursin myself back to normal. Although when normal will arrive is beyond me cause I still feel like a truck hit me and i'm coughing up the most disgusting stuff. Well back to bed for me. Thinking of you all.
Me
Me
