I am 32 years old and have been struggling with a heroine addict. He is 30 now. When we first met in 2007 and we had amazing chemistry and love for 7 years on and off due to his addiction. We moved in together in 2009 after 2 years of serious dating. After a year of living together, he slowly drifted apart and I didn't understand why he was becoming so distant since we never fought. People always admired our connection. In 2010, I ended up moving out but we still talked very frequently. It was like best friends. However, I did not see him often. He had excuses and said he needed time. I tried dating other people but he would always come back into my life saying that he misses us, still loves me and wants to be back together. He would do this same pattern of coming back and being happy for months, and then pushing me away, making excuses and never answering my calls. Almost like he just disappeared. I thought it was a commitment issue. His friends couldn't understand his pattern. In 2011 I saw him at his worst but figured he was stressed out due to his tournament golf career. He told me he was going through something that he cannot tell me yet. Months later he mentioned that he was taking pills, but he was done and wanted to see me. At this time, since we met the longest we stopped talking was for 3 months. I questioned him on multiple occasions if he was still taking pills, but each time he lied. Though at this time we weren't together officially, we still spoke everyday and were best friends. He traveled a lot for golf. Still said I love you on the phone each time and that we kiss each other. In 2012, he finally broke down to me telling me what I thought was everything. That he was using opiates, Xanax, anything he could get his hands on. Drinking and partying. No one knew aside from me. His family was clueless. I was the only one he ever opened up to about this. He told me every time he broke up with me it was due to drugs and him always believing that I derserved better. He didn't want to pull me into it so each time he pushed me apart. He told me he needs me more than ever and he didn't want to upset his family, but needed help. I took this matter into my own hands and contacted his family telling them everything. He agreed treatment, but only outpatient. We were together every night. I wanted to be his support, help him with anything. I became a babysitter. He became my life for months. I questioned him, followed him, stole his phone so he would contact his dealer. Everything to help. This went on for months, maybe 6. After not talking for two weeks, I was concerned and he told he never stopped using. Again more truth. Beginning of 2013 he finally was sent into a treatment center, but due to insurance purposes, he only was covered for the first 7 days of detox. He told me he was done. He wasn't. At this time I was buying a house. We promised that were we're going to try "us" again, because we both knew we could never be apart for too long. He said he needed me more than ever and told me I was the most important person in his life. We both agreed our happiest time was when we first moved in with each other in 2009 and we both wanted that again. After I closed on my house in Sept 2014 he quickly moved in. I was apprehensive, but he was so manipulative and believable. January of 2015 I went into his car to find multiple credit card bills estimated over $7,000. I was in contact with his family once again about this. Again, he pulled back from me. I was going to help with anything. Organized each bill and had a calendar for payment. He said he wanted to try and asked if he could move in if his parents didn't take him back. They wanted him home and my texts became unanswered and ignored. I would get an occasional response, "Better and stronger each day." I couldn't understand why I wasnt upset with him. I became the opposite. Though disappointed I knew this was a disease. I knew this drug had him and I wanted to help. He stopped all contact we me for a month. Would only text that he was doing well. After 3 months I recieved a phone call from him telling me he's checking into rehab. Telling me this time he wanted it. He was in there for 28 days. We wrote each other a letter. My letter was nothing but love and support for him. He told me this was going to be a long journey for sobriety and told me that he does not now when he can risk focus on anyone but himself. Telling me that he hopes that one day he will be able to thank me for everything. After 5 weeks he texted me with his new number. We agreed to see each other which was not recommended by his halfway house instructor. Finally the truth was told. He told me in 2012 he began heroine because it was cheaper. He's been snorting since 2009 . When he moved out of my house in January he started needles. Three months of injecting three times a day and he knew he needed help. Was using drugs which started for parting befor he met me. Got really bad in 2009. And progressively worse. We spoke maybe once a week after his house duties and meetings. He had a set schedule. He was there for a month. Left after s month and went back to his casino job dealing blackjack. His house instructor did not agree. He got his own apartment only two months sober. Living by himself, going to meetings daily and having a sponsor. I saw him a couple times and everything we would fall back into the same comfort of being together. He told me he cannot date for a year and needs to take one day at a time. That God willing we would be together again. Then his phone rang and it was a girl. I questioned him and he told me she was just a friend. I knew previously he had some flings when we weren't together and he knew that I did but I didn't expect so soon he would be talking to someone. He said he wanted me to give other guys a chance and date other people. That he was going to too. I saw him after that one other time. There was so much love that day in his eyes for me. But still he was different. Since then we've spoken a few times on the phone. I was letting him alone and giving him space since I knew he was not good for me. He knew he couldn't offer me what I need or deserve. He only had today and that's where his focus was. Last time I spoke to him on the phone it was mid November. He said he was doing good. Bought a guitar and did not have any girls in his life. We planned to see each other again. I told him not to be a stranger. I texted him one week after and he never reponded. I figured he needed time. After two months of not speaking, I was getting worried. I texted him to see how he was and he responded a day later, "Hey, I been really good. I step done and its gotten pretty serious. Thank u for all your support. Hope your well too."
My heart is broken. I thought being sober he would need me more and want to spend more time with me. Knowing what I know and how well I know him, I thought if anything I would be his best supporter. After all we were best friends for 7 years. After all my support, dedication to him, sacrifice, love, he writes this to me. No phone call. He was still telling me he loves me in October. Is there too much hurt to go back? Does he see his past when he sees me? Dating someone knew, after 7 months. I need help. After I dedicated this much time it's hard to move on.
Dear Nine, here is my input. It comes from many years of recovery, and also becasue I am a father of a lovely young woman:
The person you knew who was using is not the same person in recovery. It sounds like he is on the right path: Inpatient treatment, outpatient, sober living home, etc. I also strongly agree that a single recoverying addict should avoid all romantic realtionships for 1 year of continuous sobriety, and able to sustain a house plant and a pet.
In reading the early days of your relationship, it appears you were trying to be his treatment center (checking in on him, calling his family, etc.). Recovery his his job. Being as healty as possible for yourself is your job.
You might consider a family support program such as Al Anon or NAR Anon. It will help you in ways way beyond your dreams of this particular relationship. These programs teach very good life skills.
I hope this helps. I will gladly ellaborate if you want. There are also real good people on this message board.
Good luck
The person you knew who was using is not the same person in recovery. It sounds like he is on the right path: Inpatient treatment, outpatient, sober living home, etc. I also strongly agree that a single recoverying addict should avoid all romantic realtionships for 1 year of continuous sobriety, and able to sustain a house plant and a pet.
In reading the early days of your relationship, it appears you were trying to be his treatment center (checking in on him, calling his family, etc.). Recovery his his job. Being as healty as possible for yourself is your job.
You might consider a family support program such as Al Anon or NAR Anon. It will help you in ways way beyond your dreams of this particular relationship. These programs teach very good life skills.
I hope this helps. I will gladly ellaborate if you want. There are also real good people on this message board.
Good luck
Thank you. I realize I may need help myself because he had been my life for so long that it's hard to not have him in my life anymore. I'm just so hurt that after all my support he meets someone new so fast. In 7 months. I understand he is not that person I once new. Just breaks my heart knowing maybe I will never get to know the new and better person he is today. It's been 3 months not speaking and my understanding is that he met someone and it's serious. I have been reading books to help me cope
