Thanks Diff, thats no more windows open for the cat getting in and out! I know Subbies mess with your sex drive, but jesus I have gone from John Holmes to St John the bloody Baptist, anyone know when you get it back, I guess it will be when I am off it, but thats really getting me down at the minute. Christ I had so many visions when I was younger, oh well concentrate on one thing at a time! No sign of the bailiffs yet, my cat is bursting for a s*** when I go out and I am bursting for something else and is'nt Life a bag of bloody misery! I am on a level dose of 3mg a day after going back to my legal drug dealer and I am going to drop down to 2mg in 2 weeks, oh and he said he will try and make it easier this time. What a weird and wonderful life!
Oh and now I am drinking too much to add to all the fun! My Girlfriend situation still is not sorted out and I just want another Life please? Can I have just a little peace and maybe a tiny bit of love for once in my life?
hi mark u dont no me i dont no u so ill introduce meself im kels from london on subs been on all this s*** for about 2 yyrs now cant imagine life without me subs or gear said that but no sex wantin new life u sound the same as me hope ur hanGing on in there hun if u wanna chat im around XXX
Hi Mark, I couldn't help but smile when I read your post. Maybe the wrong response, but I am looking at things from the luxury of "the other side". Mark, I know it's tough, but you just gotta keep on keepin' on. These are the things that find you out. Coming through these hard times is what shapes you and defines you as a human being. Now you are not a quitter! Are you! People who lead these supposedly wonderful "charmed lives" where everything seems to just happen for them with no problems, well, in my experience they tend to turn out as these wishy-washy gutless things who don't even know who they are, coz they've never been tested, so they never find out. Believe me Mark, when you come out the other side of this (and the only way out is through!) you'll have so much self-belief, so much strength inside to draw on. Whenever life bowls you a googlie you'll know, you'll just know that you can deal with it, that you'll be just fine and dandy, coz you've been through one of the hardest things possible. Now I know that far worse things that heroin addiction happen all the time, but they tend to be things that life just thrusts upon you, that you have no choice about. But beating heroin? You choose it. You choose to take the hard road, you choose to suffer all the indignities, all the pain and strife, because you believe in something better. I think that's the worse thing about coming off heroin, it's because you know that you don't have to suffer, that one hit and you'll be feeling blissed out happy. And to carry on with it, to endure it, that takes strength that not many folks possess. And when you reach your goal, and when things settle down a bit, you will look at yourself and realise that you have a whole armoury of weapons to help you tackle problems that you never dreamed would be yours. You'll get this unshakable self-belief, and life just won't phase you again. That's a reward that no amount of money in the world can buy. And you find out what's important, what really matters and what is just bull$***. It makes life much simpler. You see more clearly.
As for the sex drive, well, I don't know, coz I have an off-the-scale sex drive, and the only time in living memory that I didn't feel like it was three or four days into my subs withdrawal. And as soon as I stopped clucking it returned. All I can say is that once your through with the subs, everything will slowly get back to normal, so be patient.
And the relationship problems, again, that's just a personal thing tween you and her, and something you have to sort out in your own way. The only advice I'll give is try not to make any rash decisions, coz you may be a bit over-sensitive and prone to over reactions whilst going through this very delicate process of weaning off the subs.
And just to make you feel like you've got company with the bailiff prob (and I can't believe this, after just telling you it was all sorted) the debt I went to court over and was told that I would no longer be pursued for the money has suddenly re-appeared. I got a letter the other morning, going on about how I'd failed to respond to letters (I didn't get any letters!) and telling me the debt had been passed on to another collection agency and would I please send them a cheque for 4665.62 by the 24.09.06! Well, I got straight on the phone and kicked right off. Told them to go check their records, and get back to me when they've got their facts straight. I also added that they can pursue me through every court in the land if they like, coz they had the Goddamned car back about 5 years ago, and I don't own any property, live in furnished accomodation where every stick of furniture including electrical goods belongs to my landlord, and I live off income support. If I ain't got it, they can't F-ing have it, can they? And if they try and break into my house they'll have to get past my very protective and huge rottweiler dog. Oh we send police dog handlers, they tell me. I just laughed. The last police dog handler who tried to handle my dog ran out the house and slammed the door behind him! Leaving me all alone in the house - in the middle of a goddamned bust! If I'd been dumb enough to leave any drugs in the house I could have just tipped them down the sink! Bring it on! See now, that's the difference between me on drugs and me clean. Before I would have filed the letter straight to bin, and then whittled about what was going to happen next. Now it's the opposite - take the fight to them, know your rights and damned well exercise them. It's the simple truth, if I don't have the money or any saleable assets then there is absolutely not a damned thing they can do about it. Also, I have court fines to pay, and they are a priority, in the eyes of the law. I pay them like a religion, so any judge I go up in front of will see I can't afford to pay a penny more than I already am. So, Mr Nasty Bailiff, do your worst. You won't get very far...
God, I love that dog! He's 8 +1/2 years old now and coming to the end of his years really. Rotties don't live that long. But he's still loud and proud, and would lay down his life without a seconds hesitation to protect me. That's the thing with rotties, or mine anyway. I have never done anything to encourage him to be protective, but it's in his blood. I paid 500 for him when he was 6 weeks old, and it's the best money I ever spent. He's been my faithful guardian ever since. He's always on duty, always watching, always guarding. I do have big regrets over things that happened when I was on the gear, nasty things he saw, violence he witnessed that made him so defensive. I have had the misfortune to see him in action, to see him put his money where his mouth is, so to speak, to carry out the threat, to attack in order to defend. I deeply regret he was ever a part of that, coz it defined him, and made him mistrustful of people. But that all said, he was awesome, he was utterly magnificent, completely fearless. And he put the fear of God into anybody who thought they could take me down, which came in handy when I was dealing for a living. You can outrun me, but you'll never outrun him, and he's got no mercy! So rip me off at your peril...
Ahh, I could talk about my boy forever. He hates virtually everybody, apart from a few friends he gets on with OK, but he's my baby.
love
Diff xxx
As for the sex drive, well, I don't know, coz I have an off-the-scale sex drive, and the only time in living memory that I didn't feel like it was three or four days into my subs withdrawal. And as soon as I stopped clucking it returned. All I can say is that once your through with the subs, everything will slowly get back to normal, so be patient.
And the relationship problems, again, that's just a personal thing tween you and her, and something you have to sort out in your own way. The only advice I'll give is try not to make any rash decisions, coz you may be a bit over-sensitive and prone to over reactions whilst going through this very delicate process of weaning off the subs.
And just to make you feel like you've got company with the bailiff prob (and I can't believe this, after just telling you it was all sorted) the debt I went to court over and was told that I would no longer be pursued for the money has suddenly re-appeared. I got a letter the other morning, going on about how I'd failed to respond to letters (I didn't get any letters!) and telling me the debt had been passed on to another collection agency and would I please send them a cheque for 4665.62 by the 24.09.06! Well, I got straight on the phone and kicked right off. Told them to go check their records, and get back to me when they've got their facts straight. I also added that they can pursue me through every court in the land if they like, coz they had the Goddamned car back about 5 years ago, and I don't own any property, live in furnished accomodation where every stick of furniture including electrical goods belongs to my landlord, and I live off income support. If I ain't got it, they can't F-ing have it, can they? And if they try and break into my house they'll have to get past my very protective and huge rottweiler dog. Oh we send police dog handlers, they tell me. I just laughed. The last police dog handler who tried to handle my dog ran out the house and slammed the door behind him! Leaving me all alone in the house - in the middle of a goddamned bust! If I'd been dumb enough to leave any drugs in the house I could have just tipped them down the sink! Bring it on! See now, that's the difference between me on drugs and me clean. Before I would have filed the letter straight to bin, and then whittled about what was going to happen next. Now it's the opposite - take the fight to them, know your rights and damned well exercise them. It's the simple truth, if I don't have the money or any saleable assets then there is absolutely not a damned thing they can do about it. Also, I have court fines to pay, and they are a priority, in the eyes of the law. I pay them like a religion, so any judge I go up in front of will see I can't afford to pay a penny more than I already am. So, Mr Nasty Bailiff, do your worst. You won't get very far...
God, I love that dog! He's 8 +1/2 years old now and coming to the end of his years really. Rotties don't live that long. But he's still loud and proud, and would lay down his life without a seconds hesitation to protect me. That's the thing with rotties, or mine anyway. I have never done anything to encourage him to be protective, but it's in his blood. I paid 500 for him when he was 6 weeks old, and it's the best money I ever spent. He's been my faithful guardian ever since. He's always on duty, always watching, always guarding. I do have big regrets over things that happened when I was on the gear, nasty things he saw, violence he witnessed that made him so defensive. I have had the misfortune to see him in action, to see him put his money where his mouth is, so to speak, to carry out the threat, to attack in order to defend. I deeply regret he was ever a part of that, coz it defined him, and made him mistrustful of people. But that all said, he was awesome, he was utterly magnificent, completely fearless. And he put the fear of God into anybody who thought they could take me down, which came in handy when I was dealing for a living. You can outrun me, but you'll never outrun him, and he's got no mercy! So rip me off at your peril...
Ahh, I could talk about my boy forever. He hates virtually everybody, apart from a few friends he gets on with OK, but he's my baby.
love
Diff xxx
Well due to all the relationship problems I have struggled all week on 3mg and today I ran out and have spent today feeling like s***, but I have handled 7 days off it so a day will not hurt me and I go and see my Drug Worker tomorrow morning. My partner had the operation on Monday (Gall Bladder removed) and I went to look after her and her gay f***ing ex-husband is always hanging around, so we had a big row and I went back to my own flat and now feel a bit guilty about leaving her, but f*** it her ex can look after her! He turned Gay and hurt her and she still gives him the time of day! Life is a pile of bird crap!
Anyway Diff, I used to have a Doberman and he died when he was 10 and I loved that dog. Satan he was called, well it was the 80's, I will never forget him and wrote him a poem when he died. God bless him or what ever God exists (If any). Anyway, I aint going to quit, but I just feel like everything in my life is bizz. If I split up with my Partner I am miles away from family and friends. I left my wife four years ago and boy am I paying for it now, before then I never touched drugs or booze! What a mess I have made of my life. I used to be inteligent look like Johnny Depp cheek bones and all and had a great life, but now I see someone quite different in that mirror! Perhaps I should buy a new mirror? Anyway I am on a whinging day sorry about that, but the argument is still fresh in my mind and now I am stuck in my flat with my bad tempered cat. Such is Life
Anyway Diff, I used to have a Doberman and he died when he was 10 and I loved that dog. Satan he was called, well it was the 80's, I will never forget him and wrote him a poem when he died. God bless him or what ever God exists (If any). Anyway, I aint going to quit, but I just feel like everything in my life is bizz. If I split up with my Partner I am miles away from family and friends. I left my wife four years ago and boy am I paying for it now, before then I never touched drugs or booze! What a mess I have made of my life. I used to be inteligent look like Johnny Depp cheek bones and all and had a great life, but now I see someone quite different in that mirror! Perhaps I should buy a new mirror? Anyway I am on a whinging day sorry about that, but the argument is still fresh in my mind and now I am stuck in my flat with my bad tempered cat. Such is Life
Before anyone writes in....No I have not got anything against Gay people. Just my partners ex-husband. Okay?
LOL.LOL.cooeee..A.T.B Davey
Coooeee back. Lol
Oh well just plodding along and taking the right amount and waiting a couple of weeks then will drop a mg, least this time I am doing it properly. Sat here watching what ever happened to baby Jane and wondering what ever happened to Marky Mark. How are you all, Diff look after that Dog sounds like a belter! Everything calmed down a little just lately and I am just getting on with stuff. May it continue. Will let you all know when I go down the mg
Oh well just plodding along and taking the right amount and waiting a couple of weeks then will drop a mg, least this time I am doing it properly. Sat here watching what ever happened to baby Jane and wondering what ever happened to Marky Mark. How are you all, Diff look after that Dog sounds like a belter! Everything calmed down a little just lately and I am just getting on with stuff. May it continue. Will let you all know when I go down the mg
By the way where are you getting all these little pics of Dragons and kittens?
Hi mark, glad you're doing well. A lot to be said for just plodding on. There's an old Chinese curse "May you live in interesting times...". I know that it's hard not to get impatient when you're on such a small dose, but you've already found out that even on small doses, you need to have respect for what's coming if you just try and stop without giving it proper consideration, and reducing as low as you feel you can. For me it was 0.4mgs coz that was the point at which my body could not adjust to the drop, and I was having withdrawals where I previously would have stabilised quite quickly. So I thought it was time to bite the bullett and stop prolonging the agony. I had a crappy week, but soon felt much better.
I had my first smack dream in months last night. I'm looking at the whole thing with mild amusement. I way past the stage where a smack dream would send me running to the dealer. That used to be my worst hang up. Hunting the stuff down on the streets in my dreams all night, and I was always frustrated, something always stopped me from having that hit, so when I woke, I would jump in the car and drive miles to find a dealer with an open shop at 9 in the morning and finally get the hit I'd been chasing all night. Last night I dreamed I found a large wrap with about a teenth in it, a ready made tooter, and a sheet of foil. Me, always opting for the IV method, stashed the stuff until I could get hold of a needle. Then something went wrong, the gear was discovered by my mother of all people so I handed it over saying I'd found it, which was true. I felt pissed off but philosophical, it's for the best etc. And then, damn it, if my mum didn't give it back to me on the way home. Oh joy of joys! But then I woke up... Ah c'est la vie!
It's not a bad thing. Good to have a gypsies warning from time to time. Once an addict always an addict, hey? I like to have a test now and then, like to find a trigger that still makes me say "ouch!" Makes me ever more grateful for the fact that most of the time I don't feel temptation. And makes me more confident of my strength. It's easy to say that you're strong when you don't have a way of measuring it. It reminds me of who I am and where I've been and makes it feel real and authentic, and tells me that I'm still the same person. The beast may be sleeping, but it's always gonna be there. It's up to me whether I let it out of it's cage or not. Great to have choices and to feel like I'm exercising a choice every minute I'm clean. Always look for the positive, always find something to feel good about. Just turn it around and look at it from the other side.
And as for my doggie, well he's not well right now. Got pain in his hips in the mornings and unwilling to move without coaxing until he loosens up a bit. And we're having the oh-so-predictable backlash because of those terrible rottweiler attacks. People gossiping about him all the time, telling me I should keep him muzzled. Do people think I don't know the law regarding my own dog? And just to clarify, I feel awful for those kids and their families, and I happen to believe that rotts don't make good family pets, and it's wrong that just anybody can go to a breeder and buy a rottweiler. I have no doubts that in the wrong circumstances my dog is a lethal weapon. You can't buy a gun without a license, you can't drive a car without a license so why the hell should you be able to go out and buy a puppy that will grow into a 140lb beast with a jaw that can crunch through bone in one bite without proving that you understand what you are taking on. I think that you should have to commit to proper training and care, and it's sheer stupidity to leave a dog alone with youngsters, any dog, but particularly a rottweiler. There's so much money in rotts. A b**** will have 9 or 10 puppies in one litter and even for a mediocre pedigree breeders are asking upwards of 300 for a pup, and many of them don't give a damned where the dogs end up as long as they get their money. People buy them coz they are a macho breed and it makes you look hard if you've got one. I bought mine coz I am used to rotts, I know they can be difficult, but I admire their loyalty, their courage and their strength. They are honest, they are loving, they are strong characters, my dog makes me laugh every day at the daft things he gets up to. But make no mistake, they see things in black and white (or perhaps black and tan) and they do not have rational thought. Perceived threats are to be eliminated, and they use the gifts that God gave them (ie a fearless nature and very big teeth). Anyway, sermon over. Just don't buy a rottweiler unless you know what you're getting into.
Take care buddy,
love
Diff xxx
I had my first smack dream in months last night. I'm looking at the whole thing with mild amusement. I way past the stage where a smack dream would send me running to the dealer. That used to be my worst hang up. Hunting the stuff down on the streets in my dreams all night, and I was always frustrated, something always stopped me from having that hit, so when I woke, I would jump in the car and drive miles to find a dealer with an open shop at 9 in the morning and finally get the hit I'd been chasing all night. Last night I dreamed I found a large wrap with about a teenth in it, a ready made tooter, and a sheet of foil. Me, always opting for the IV method, stashed the stuff until I could get hold of a needle. Then something went wrong, the gear was discovered by my mother of all people so I handed it over saying I'd found it, which was true. I felt pissed off but philosophical, it's for the best etc. And then, damn it, if my mum didn't give it back to me on the way home. Oh joy of joys! But then I woke up... Ah c'est la vie!
It's not a bad thing. Good to have a gypsies warning from time to time. Once an addict always an addict, hey? I like to have a test now and then, like to find a trigger that still makes me say "ouch!" Makes me ever more grateful for the fact that most of the time I don't feel temptation. And makes me more confident of my strength. It's easy to say that you're strong when you don't have a way of measuring it. It reminds me of who I am and where I've been and makes it feel real and authentic, and tells me that I'm still the same person. The beast may be sleeping, but it's always gonna be there. It's up to me whether I let it out of it's cage or not. Great to have choices and to feel like I'm exercising a choice every minute I'm clean. Always look for the positive, always find something to feel good about. Just turn it around and look at it from the other side.
And as for my doggie, well he's not well right now. Got pain in his hips in the mornings and unwilling to move without coaxing until he loosens up a bit. And we're having the oh-so-predictable backlash because of those terrible rottweiler attacks. People gossiping about him all the time, telling me I should keep him muzzled. Do people think I don't know the law regarding my own dog? And just to clarify, I feel awful for those kids and their families, and I happen to believe that rotts don't make good family pets, and it's wrong that just anybody can go to a breeder and buy a rottweiler. I have no doubts that in the wrong circumstances my dog is a lethal weapon. You can't buy a gun without a license, you can't drive a car without a license so why the hell should you be able to go out and buy a puppy that will grow into a 140lb beast with a jaw that can crunch through bone in one bite without proving that you understand what you are taking on. I think that you should have to commit to proper training and care, and it's sheer stupidity to leave a dog alone with youngsters, any dog, but particularly a rottweiler. There's so much money in rotts. A b**** will have 9 or 10 puppies in one litter and even for a mediocre pedigree breeders are asking upwards of 300 for a pup, and many of them don't give a damned where the dogs end up as long as they get their money. People buy them coz they are a macho breed and it makes you look hard if you've got one. I bought mine coz I am used to rotts, I know they can be difficult, but I admire their loyalty, their courage and their strength. They are honest, they are loving, they are strong characters, my dog makes me laugh every day at the daft things he gets up to. But make no mistake, they see things in black and white (or perhaps black and tan) and they do not have rational thought. Perceived threats are to be eliminated, and they use the gifts that God gave them (ie a fearless nature and very big teeth). Anyway, sermon over. Just don't buy a rottweiler unless you know what you're getting into.
Take care buddy,
love
Diff xxx
I believe it is how they are brought up and trained that molds the animal, but you are right about any dog being left around children. It is a shame that the press get hold of something and once again Rotties are the devil dog of the month, most are quite harmless and peoples ignorance makes it hard for the good dogs that get ran out of town so to speak. My Doberman was a loyal dog and I loved him to bits. I have cats now because they are much easier to look after. My mate has a Staff and he is on gear, but no matter how skint he is he always feeds the dog before himself. The onlty thing I do not agree with is the dog sat in a room full of heroin smoke! The poor thing must be rattling! Anyway, lets hope that this dog business blows over. I too feel so sorry for the families involved, but it should not be an excuse to make Rotties scape goats!
Hiya Mark, I was exactly the same with my dog when I was on the gear. I never had any money left for food for myself, which was why I was about 3 stone underweight this time last year. I've found being pregnant does wonders for overcoming terminal skinniness! But whilst any food I ate was either donated by worried friends or liberated from Tesco's, I never ever stole dog food, and I always made sure my dog had a meal every day. It was a bizarre logic I guess, but I could never bring myself to steal dog food, out of respect for the dog! The only time my boy was ever underweight was when I rescued a stray King Charles Spaniel and she was such a greedy guts (I guess from living on the street - she never knew where her next meal was coming from so she stuffed herself at every opportunity) that she would wolf down her dinner and then eat his. And he would just let her! He's too much of a gentleman, and she absolutely ran rings round him. She commandeered his giant dog bed (and she was such a tiny little thing!) and stole all his toys and would show her teeth if he attempted to get a toy off her, and he would just stand there looking all perplexed, not sure of how to deal with a feisty little female. He adored her though. She was only with us for a couple of years. She had cancer when I found her in Swansea, and she had an operation to remove the tumours. It was a much bigger op than was anticipated, and the vet told me she would have to come back for more operations. She was in such a state after the op that I decided that it wasn't in her best interests to have further surgery, so I kept her happy and healthy until she started showing signs of pain, and then I had her put to sleep. But she had two brilliant years with me, where she was loved and cared for, and enjoyed life to the full. Even when I was on the gear, both my dogs got walked every day, and the three of us made a comical sight. She was full of mischief and was always getting the rott into trouble, doing stuff like running into peoples houses when she saw a front door open, or getting into strangers cars and my boy would always follow her. I'm sure some people had a big shock when the pair of them leapt into a car, or worse, ran riot through their house. I found them both in some old mans house once, jumping up and down on the bed like a couple of naughty children. All I could do was say "I do beg your pardon" to the old man as I frog marched them both home! He must have thought he was hallucinating!
Take care my friend...
love
Diff xxx
Take care my friend...
love
Diff xxx
