Hello,
I'm looking for somewhere to offer some advice or support, because I don't know what I'm doing. I'm getting married in just a few months. My fiance is a loving, kind, generous man, and over the past year he's developed some trouble with alcohol consumption. Every few months when he's off work, home alone, he walks down to a nearby liquor store and buys a case of beer, or a few bottles of wine, or something, drinks it, and falls asleep.
He's never been violent or abusive, he simply drinks until he falls asleep and that's how I find him. He used to hide it from me, but I could see it. Now he's upfront. In December, it happened again and, at my urging, we attended a couples counseling session, and the counselor directed him to seek help for depression. He'd struggled with depression several years ago, before we ever got together, sought help and has been healthy. He recently saw our doctor and though the Dr. was alarmed at the amount he was drinking on these infrequent bursts, she finds no reason to think he's dealing with depression now. Boredom, she thought. It's clear it's a problem with alcohol. Next steps were to return to the counselor and begin an alcohol reduction plan.
Yesterday, he bought 300mL of Vodka, mixed it with some apple juice and ate nothing, and I came home to him passed out at 6pm. Prior to our counseling session, I had gotten angry, not sure why he was doing this. But after how deeply it hurt us in December, I hoped he'd move past it. It's clear now that this is an alcohol problem. When I ask him what he was thinking about to decide to drink, he said he thought it would just be a fun thing to do on his day off. After our counseling session, we agreed that if he ever thought about drinking again he would call me first; he didn't think to do it because he never thought it would be that much or get that bad.
He's now enrolled in a program that begins next week, and will be attending an AA meeting next week as well. I'm so angry. I'm so hurt and disappointed. I don't trust him. I'm marrying him in less than three months.
Logically I KNOW that this is an illness--I should no more be angry at him for this than if he had a cold. So I'm here because I don't know two things: 1) How to deal with these feelings. I didn't yell or scream last night, I didn't accuse him of things. I didn't threaten to leave. But I tried to raise again how concerned I was, that marriage right now might not be the best decision. How do I manage feeling so hurt, so betrayed, by the person I love, when he keeps doing this? And 2) How do I support him? I'm afraid that if I'm honest--even tempered honesty--by saying that I'm disappointed, that I'm hurt he didn't think of last time, that he didn't honor his promise to call me when he was tempted, that this is selfish, that it's not helping him and his illness.
When we were at counseling, I asked him what he needed from me, and it was to not leave him, and to not make him feel guiltier than he already feels. Because he feels terrible. So how do I support him, how do I take care of myself and us, properly?
I know this is long, and I know that means it may not be read, but if anyone does read this, and can offer some guidance, it would be deeply appreciated.
hi, you might not want to hear what i have to say, but..... it sounds like your bf is in denial-he needs to get real-if he is behaving like this now i would be worried about how he might be when you are married-i think you need to make sure he has addressed this issue honestly before you commit to marriage-he needs help, AA or counseling from an addiction specialist-he is binge drinking- if he is drinking till he passes out-he has a serious problem-you have to realise this problem will not go away-recovery takes hard work- if and when he faces up to the fact he has an issue with alcohol-your bf will have to deal with this problem for the rest of his life-he may not be able to drink alcohol again-if he wants to lead a normal healthy productive life- your big problem may be that your bf gives up for a few months then relapses, most of us take many attempts to find recovery-especially if he is still in denial-
i can understand how you are disapointed and your feelings are confused and hurt, this is not an easy thing to find out about someone you love- i dont know how long you have known this man, you should try and find out if he had a problem with alcohol in the past-the reason i ask is many daily drinkers, with an alcohol problem will attempt to control their drinking-one way of doing this is to binge drink occasionaly and then quit again (i did this for years).
you need to be careful and become fully aware of what you are potentially walking into-the world of addiction and recovery is not for the fainthearted-there can be alot of hurt and pain involved-sorry, but better you know the truth- be sure that you understand what you might be facing and also be sure you want to do this- you are not alone in this dilemma there are alot of good people on this site with similar stories-reach out for support and advice-best of luck-
i can understand how you are disapointed and your feelings are confused and hurt, this is not an easy thing to find out about someone you love- i dont know how long you have known this man, you should try and find out if he had a problem with alcohol in the past-the reason i ask is many daily drinkers, with an alcohol problem will attempt to control their drinking-one way of doing this is to binge drink occasionaly and then quit again (i did this for years).
you need to be careful and become fully aware of what you are potentially walking into-the world of addiction and recovery is not for the fainthearted-there can be alot of hurt and pain involved-sorry, but better you know the truth- be sure that you understand what you might be facing and also be sure you want to do this- you are not alone in this dilemma there are alot of good people on this site with similar stories-reach out for support and advice-best of luck-
Dear SMHopeful,
I hope your mate embraces recovery and AA. Recovery is a life-long journey. The great obsession of every abnormal drinker is to return to normal drinking. This is a notion that he needs to smashed.
The purpose of my post is you. I strongly encourage you to attend a family support program. My experience with friends seeking counseling is a mixed bag. Sometimes it helps; often it is a band-air that wears off some time.
Al Anon is free. They are in the telephone book and online. There should be several meetings near you. I don't know a single person who has regretted starting their own program in Al Anon (or NAR Anon). It will ensure you a healthy, whether your loved one is or not.
I hope t his helps,
Flyboy
I hope your mate embraces recovery and AA. Recovery is a life-long journey. The great obsession of every abnormal drinker is to return to normal drinking. This is a notion that he needs to smashed.
The purpose of my post is you. I strongly encourage you to attend a family support program. My experience with friends seeking counseling is a mixed bag. Sometimes it helps; often it is a band-air that wears off some time.
Al Anon is free. They are in the telephone book and online. There should be several meetings near you. I don't know a single person who has regretted starting their own program in Al Anon (or NAR Anon). It will ensure you a healthy, whether your loved one is or not.
I hope t his helps,
Flyboy
