Thanks to everyone for your positive feed back. I thought I would share how things are going now, because I didn't go back and re-read my post, I didn't realize I didn't add how my children are doing.
My son, the one I told you about is doing great. He is now 7 years old and he still has asthma but he is doing well, and let me tell ya, whenever he even looks like he's breathing to heavy or anything I'm right on top of it. Inhalers, nebulizer treatments, doctors, etc...lol.
My other children are doing great also. My oldest is now 11 and she probably suffered the most emotionally because she played mommy for the years I was on drugs. Her and I sometimes struggle over who's duties are who's but for the most part we get along well.
My other daughter is doing great as is my youngest. I kick myself in the butt sometimes, (not as often as I use to) about missing out on a lot of his firsts, but I've come to realize that I'm clean now and although I cannot get back what I've missed out on, I do get the pleasure of everything he does now. He is autistic and has epilepsy, but we learn through everything and through his struggles I get to learn right along with him, which are all the firsts I could ask for right now.
For the longest time after cleaning up I wanted to blame everyone. Especially the doctors. How could they do this? Why did they do this and how come I have to pay the price with my health, freedom, etc? But, in time I have come to realize that although there are doctors out there that should have their license pulled, it is all my fault. I sought those drugs. I knew the warning on the labels and I knew the history of my family when it came to any kind of substance abuse and I still took that path. I am the one that went beyond the maximum dose and was taking nearly 60 pills a day or cough syrup depending on what I was able to get my hands on at the time. No doctor ever prescribed "Take 10 pills every 4 hours to numb your lifes troubles." Nope, I did it and I'm the one who turned out to be the addict.
I know what I did to my son is bad. Very bad. I feel the guilt of that up to this day, but I cannot dwell on it or that will be my down fall. I have admitted I'm an addict and with that admission I have admitted that I WAS a bad mom, daughter, sister, friend, etc...WAS, but am not anymore. I'm am not a perfect mom. I don't think anybody is. But I do my best. The biggest mistake I did right after getting clean was giving in to my childrens every wants because I thought that would make up for what I did. It made things worse. They quickly began walking all over me and if I even thought about saying no, I was out numbered and my kids made me suffer for it. I soon took back my job as mom and my kids are doing a lot better respective, obeying and basically just being kids now.
While I used, I did not consider myself a junky. I did the "safe" drug. It was a real blow to my over inflated ego when I had to come to terms with the fact that I was in fact a junky. I may not have put the drugs directly in my veins, but chewing them and snorting them and taking them period was as much a junky as anyone. That was really hard to admit to myself.
Getting clean was by far the hardest thing I ever did in my life. And although I've given birth to 4 chiildren and I'm a single mom, I have to say that getting and staying clean is the greatest thing I've accomplished to date. Because it is hard. It is a real eye opener and it's a disease I live with everyday. I like what one person said on here that we are in remission of our disease and that is worded so beautifully because that is exactly it. But, because of my drug use and the things I did, I am a much stronger person today and I think I'm actually better at being a person with all the added benefits. I see things more clearly than I did before drug use. The flowers smell better, the food tastes better and my kids yelling doesn't annoy me like it did before because while I was going through withdrawals, I got on my knees and begged God, "please, just give me a glimpse, a small glimpse of what my life was before addiction so I have something to hold onto" and he did just that. Life was far from easy after that, but I know that I have gone through it all, withdrawals, the law, etc...things are so much more beautiful than I ever thought because what I took advantage of before drugs, I do not take advantage of now. Does that make sense? It does in my head anyway. lol.
Boy I'm a gabber, but it's a relief to talk to people who can relate or at least see what these pills do.
Thanks once again for reading my post. I'm sorry if I offended anyone with what I did while on drugs to my son, but it's reality and unfortunately that was my reality. I just thank God everyday that my son did not go beyond what he did that night and that God saw fit for me to learn from my HUGE mistake and become a better mom because of it. As I said before though, I never ever ever would have done that if I hadn't been so messed up on pills. I love my children. They are the four people I would really die for.
I wish everyone well and strength in their recovery. So many people care, so many. It's so worth getting clean. It may not seem like it the first little while, but it pays off so much.
Jessie
Glad you posted again Jessie. We need "your" kind around here.
Thanks for telling the rest of the story.
Cowgirl
Thanks for telling the rest of the story.
Cowgirl
Good for you! Everyone makes mistakes. I know I have made my share. I was not offended and there is no need to apologize for sharing your story. I hope I didn't upset you because I said I couldn't relate to what you did. I was not trying to judge you like everyone thought I was, just stating my opinion. I am happy to hear your son is doing well and you changed your life around. You should bevery proud of yourself. Hope to see you posting like I said you can give many people hope. Have a great day and hope you stick around. Rae
what past is past...what important is where you are now. Im so proud of YOU!!!
I have a god son with cerbral palsy and epilepsy, and know the challenges that come with that....so know I think you are doing a great job, you have taken full responsibilty of your past and made postive changes that are affecting everyone postively...WAY TO GO HONEY!!!!!
Your an inspiration..
Thanks for sharing,
Go hug the kids,
Then hug yourself. YOU did it!!!
Hugs,
Ali
I have a god son with cerbral palsy and epilepsy, and know the challenges that come with that....so know I think you are doing a great job, you have taken full responsibilty of your past and made postive changes that are affecting everyone postively...WAY TO GO HONEY!!!!!
Your an inspiration..
Thanks for sharing,
Go hug the kids,
Then hug yourself. YOU did it!!!
Hugs,
Ali
