#1: Get clean.
#2 :Stay clean.
#3: Re-build.
#4: start living "life"
That's how it's meant to go isn't it. I did the withdrawal (the unpleasant way) and for the longest time shut myself in with tins of soup/baked beans/etc,frozen loaves of bread and a grim resolve.
My very first foray into the wilderness outside my front door was 9 days into my withdrawal. I had to take the trash out. I did it at 3am and literally just went straight out and then straight in. Phew! At least a week before I had to worry about doing that again. I picked up my book and settled back down but for some strange reason couldn't concentrate. Restlessness soon turned into loneliness which got worse and worse. Eventually I broke and phoned my best mate. He was having a 'chase' and didn't want to stop. We reached our compromise. He promised me solemnly that he wouldn't give me any no matter what.
Against the odds, I somehow managed to keep 50 in my pocket,walked past all the dealers along the road and bought this little laptop from the pawn shop at the top of the row of shops. My neighbour was more than happy for me to use(piggyback) his wireless broadband for 5 a month (he has to pay a fixed bill monthly anyway). It didn't take long before I found this site and all the wonderful people on it. I put out my distress call (my 'message in a bottle' so to speak) which (will be to my eternal amazement) was answered and thus began my journey. I made mistakes but thanks to the advice and the guidance of people on this site, I did the most important thing: not relapsing. Staying clean It was hard,very hard and I came very close. The closest was when I was trying to get off my old estate and find some new digs where I didn't have temptation staring me in the face every time I walked out the front door. I consider that the closest as in a sense I had already relapsed. I was out looking to score. I WANTED ti score. It was just pure blind luck I wasn't able to. I went home empty handed and poured out my anger and frustrations here instead. By the time I woke up the following day those feelings had dissipated and in the intervening time several people had posted replies. Some were commiseratory whilst others threw down a psychological gauntlet of sorts in saying to me "are you ready to give up,give in, throw in the towel? Or are you ready to take your knocks,stop feeling sorry for yourself and keep going?" Well I chose the latter and the journey continued. It culminated with a lovely X'mas and with me bonding with my daughter on a whole new level. The New Year came and the journey's upward trajectory became exponential. I was sad in one sense as I was leaving some good friends behind as my new life had no room for them any longer. New Year, new friends, new life, new resolutions, new social circles, new,new,new......
New love? Well now. That would be great wouldn't it? The cherry on the cake. Or so it would seem. As this journey evolved throwing up fresh challenges along came a spider........I'll call her Gill. So Jack(that would be me) meets Gill and they sat outside in the freezing snow for more than TWO hours talking. Just talking. Just chatting, exchanging ideas, swapping anecdotes and analogies, ideas and ideology, tales and stories;truth or dare;twenty questions....I was everywhere and nowhere. We were lost in a forest and she became my mum n much much more. I had my wicked way with her and she had her naughty nails in my soul. My soul however was to discover that the trouble with wicked ways and naughty nails is trouble.
Trouble came in the beguiling smile of friendship. Gill had a friend who had recently become my friend.Indeed it was he who introduced us. This friend of ours is a married man with a lovely wife and 2 daughters. He did not inform me of this fact.Looking back now, I was so enamoured and almost grateful to be meeting and forming aquaintances with the possibility of developing real friendships that I completely let my guard down. Unbeknownst to me, he didn't view the ring he had placed on a woman's finger as any sort of impediment to anything He kept this well hidden obviously with good reason. I haven't known this guy for very long but when we 1st met and found that we 'clicked', I chose to be honest about my past. I didn't want to build up a friendship with (let's call him) Bill only to lose it over my past.Bill listened to what I had to say quietly and without any interruptions. After I'd finished, he suggested that none of us were perfect and that he was glad I had chosen to be up front about it. He was prepared to take a chance on me and to "give it a go" (his words) as he genuinely liked me. Oh the joy I felt.....
One night it all started to go wrong. After we'd all been out I walked with him and his girlfriend to her house as it was on the way back to mine. At 3am there was a loud thumping at the door which woke up the whole house. A gorgeous tall, slim,dark-haired woman I'd never seen before was standing outside asking for me by name. I let her in and she asked to see Bill. I asked who she was,how she knew who I was and where I'd lived. She tactitly informed me that she was his wife and that he'd told her that he was going to be going out with me. When she phoned him earlier, he'd said that he was coming back to mine to watch a film and then was going home thereafter.Where was he?Why is his phone off? I was dumbstruck. All I could think off to say was that she'd just missed him. As soon as she left I raced round to where he was and told him what happened and he quickly got dressed and jumped into his Jeep.As his car pulled away, he thanked me and said he "owed me one". I sort of avoided him afterwards. I think he took it very personally as he said to me one night when we bumped into each other that I was the last person who should be judging him given what I'd done and all that. Then one day Gilly sent me a text saying she wanted to see me right away. We'd only seen each other a hand-full of times. I agreed all the same. We met outside this pub. Without even going in, she coldly told me she wanted nothing more to do with me and to never phone,text or email her again. I tried to ask for an explanation but she wouldn't listen. Just walked away from me. I respected her wish not to contact her. I was heartbroken even though we'd been together a matter of weeks and slept together once. I eventually found out the truth from Bill's girlfriend.
It turns out that Bill had liked this girl for a long time but she had steadfastly spurned his advances. He'd given up on her but apparently,that very 1st night when we met,sat outside talking for ages and ages Bill was just consumed with Jealousy. That very night when I'd saved his marriage by "covering" for him he'd told her about my Junkie past except that he'd added a lot of things that simply weren't true. Made me out to be a 'granny-basher',burglar but worst of all that I was still using,that all the stuff I had told him about this website and N.A was just rubbish. There is no such site as the "Addiction recovery site". He'd checked. I asked her if she would let me use her computer. She laughed and said it wasn't neccessary;she believed me. I did it all the same. She said that Bill actually wasn't liked by a lot of girls because he was well known as a serial womaniser and that she was with him because she was overweight,in her 40s and divorced with kids. "baggage with extra baggage" she laughed as she said. She would never ever have him as a serious boyfriend though. Whenever he wanted a bit of fun,if it was convienent for her then ok. As for his wife, "she married him knowing exactly what he's like. He cheated on her loads before they got married. He won her back with the wedding ring,you know,clean slate fresh start....all in the past,put it behind us....blah blah....so I don't feel guilty why should I? As for Gilly, sorry mate but when he told her she just freaked. I was there. When she calmed down a bit,she was starting to think about maybe at least giving you a chance to tell your side of the story but when he saw she was starting to waver,he told her not to come crying to him when she wakes up one day and her wallet,iPod and laptop were missing along with you( as in me).And then she just freaked out all over again saying <that's it...that's it...don't ever talk about him ever again> and he sat there smiling like a snake when she cried into her pillow. If it's any consolation, I've never seen her cry over a guy.Gilly doesn't cry over no guy so she musta been quite into you.....that's the way the cookie crumbles mate.....sorry"
Cold turkey? More like frozen solid turkey. Turkey that will never fully thaw. Upward journey going expo...ha ha ha ha ha. More like a cliff face and I've moved 1 inch. The hardest part though is learning that there are going to be a lot of people out there that won't even give me a chance. That some will even use it against me. I just feel so despondent and desolate. I thought I was getting somewhere. I'm clean but I have no life and I'm going nowhere.
"He's a real nowhere man
sitting in his nowhere land
making all his nowhere plans
for nobody"
John Lennon-The Beatles
Reshie>
Oh Reshie, that sucks. This guy sounds like a prize a##hole and definitely not someone i would want as a friend but i do understand that when you don't see many people it is easy to overlook character flaws in your loneliness. My man knew what trouble his friend would be but he too was lonely and desperate for company and it cost him his life.
As for him saying you can't judge him because of your past....I would say, addiction is an illness that causes people to overlook their moral judgements in desperation sometimes...what is his excuse? His behaviour stems from pure selfishness and disregard for others feelings. He is taking advantage of a woman who clearly has self esteem issues for his own pleasure, abusing the trust of his wife, using your past against you for his own (hoped for) gain with Gill.....not a very nice person by the sounds of it.
The hardest part though is learning that there are going to be a lot of people out there that won't even give me a chance. That some will even use it against me.
There will always be people like that Reshie, who judge before they know a person. But by being upfront with people as you are, you do remove peoples power to use it against you. When i first started posting here someone said to 'shine a light' on addiction, the more we hide it away, are ashamed by it....the more we add to its stigma. My family have said that when telling people that my man had died, they didn't want to say how because they didn't want their friends to judge him and yet I didn't tell my family until he had died because i didn't want THEM to judge him.... By not telling them I gave them the chance to know what a beautiful, kind, caring, giving soul that he was without the addiction clouding their eyes. But i think its such a shame that i felt i had to deal with it on my own in order to do that when we both could have used all that extra support. Now when i tell people, I am totally honest about what happened and i stress that he fought the addiction and was a good person, he just had an illness that ANY one of us could have had. The more people that understand the truth about addiction, and that it can happen to anyone, the more it will remove the stigma and allow more people to seek help. If people judge you without hearing your side of the story and are not willing to even give you a chance to explain yourself then are they really who you see your future with? For all the people out there who are not willing to give you a chance, there are many who will see past the addiction and value you for the wonderful, unique individual that you are and THOSE are the people you should choose for your friends. Be patient and gentle on yourself, don't rush into ill considered friendships because you are lonely....you will end up even lonelier in the end. It WILL come reshie, you will meet many more lovely people in your life, it just takes a bit of time when you're having to start from scratch. And it the meantime? We're all here for you too!
Take care of yourself.
Lots of love xxx
As for him saying you can't judge him because of your past....I would say, addiction is an illness that causes people to overlook their moral judgements in desperation sometimes...what is his excuse? His behaviour stems from pure selfishness and disregard for others feelings. He is taking advantage of a woman who clearly has self esteem issues for his own pleasure, abusing the trust of his wife, using your past against you for his own (hoped for) gain with Gill.....not a very nice person by the sounds of it.
The hardest part though is learning that there are going to be a lot of people out there that won't even give me a chance. That some will even use it against me.
There will always be people like that Reshie, who judge before they know a person. But by being upfront with people as you are, you do remove peoples power to use it against you. When i first started posting here someone said to 'shine a light' on addiction, the more we hide it away, are ashamed by it....the more we add to its stigma. My family have said that when telling people that my man had died, they didn't want to say how because they didn't want their friends to judge him and yet I didn't tell my family until he had died because i didn't want THEM to judge him.... By not telling them I gave them the chance to know what a beautiful, kind, caring, giving soul that he was without the addiction clouding their eyes. But i think its such a shame that i felt i had to deal with it on my own in order to do that when we both could have used all that extra support. Now when i tell people, I am totally honest about what happened and i stress that he fought the addiction and was a good person, he just had an illness that ANY one of us could have had. The more people that understand the truth about addiction, and that it can happen to anyone, the more it will remove the stigma and allow more people to seek help. If people judge you without hearing your side of the story and are not willing to even give you a chance to explain yourself then are they really who you see your future with? For all the people out there who are not willing to give you a chance, there are many who will see past the addiction and value you for the wonderful, unique individual that you are and THOSE are the people you should choose for your friends. Be patient and gentle on yourself, don't rush into ill considered friendships because you are lonely....you will end up even lonelier in the end. It WILL come reshie, you will meet many more lovely people in your life, it just takes a bit of time when you're having to start from scratch. And it the meantime? We're all here for you too!
Take care of yourself.
Lots of love xxx
Awwww, Reshie you just about broke my heart.
We are a lonesome bunch sometimes. Lone. Alone. Lonely. I've said this before and sometimes even call BS on myself, but we feel more than others. I sometimes truly believe that. We're sponges us junkies. I hate that title, label, but sometimes secretly i wear it with a badge of honor.
Lost is right about the straight up a*s of a guy. Then ya have to think and WE ARE THE ROTTEN NO GOOD PEOPLE? Heck, we don't go around purposely cheating on our spouses and hurting people for the heck of it.
We'll all be frozen turkey's together. How's about it?
I'm sorry you got hurt. Judge and be judged. I'd a been like "Yeah pal I might be a recovering addict, but I'm no creep".
Then again and this is just me I don't tell anyone I'm a recovering addict. You know why? Cause just what happened to you. If a person enters your life as did Gilly then I can see it, but no need to tell anyone else.
Afterall that's not who you are anymore, Reshie. You're YOU now.
We are a lonesome bunch sometimes. Lone. Alone. Lonely. I've said this before and sometimes even call BS on myself, but we feel more than others. I sometimes truly believe that. We're sponges us junkies. I hate that title, label, but sometimes secretly i wear it with a badge of honor.
Lost is right about the straight up a*s of a guy. Then ya have to think and WE ARE THE ROTTEN NO GOOD PEOPLE? Heck, we don't go around purposely cheating on our spouses and hurting people for the heck of it.
We'll all be frozen turkey's together. How's about it?
I'm sorry you got hurt. Judge and be judged. I'd a been like "Yeah pal I might be a recovering addict, but I'm no creep".
Then again and this is just me I don't tell anyone I'm a recovering addict. You know why? Cause just what happened to you. If a person enters your life as did Gilly then I can see it, but no need to tell anyone else.
Afterall that's not who you are anymore, Reshie. You're YOU now.
Oh yeah the living life.
Pfffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttt. So overrated. He*l we do it every single day. You have to. The notion it's gonna all be glorious has eluded me almost seven years now.
Just maybe take it like you're not out in the freezing cold waiting on a corner with ten bucks ya just took two hours to come up with just so you can hand it over to somebody else who will add it to their collection of loot made from addicts.
Life. I don't even expect anything from it anymore.
Hey, a hobby though? What brings you joy? Some therapist asked me that once and I honestly had no answer. Smile Reshie tomorrow and say "Life bugger on ya. I'm here to live ya".
Pfffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttt. So overrated. He*l we do it every single day. You have to. The notion it's gonna all be glorious has eluded me almost seven years now.
Just maybe take it like you're not out in the freezing cold waiting on a corner with ten bucks ya just took two hours to come up with just so you can hand it over to somebody else who will add it to their collection of loot made from addicts.
Life. I don't even expect anything from it anymore.
Hey, a hobby though? What brings you joy? Some therapist asked me that once and I honestly had no answer. Smile Reshie tomorrow and say "Life bugger on ya. I'm here to live ya".
Thanks for all the positive replies and sobering insights. I appreciate it I really do. I feel terrible for unloading all this when Lost is going through what she is. But....there's no getting away from it. This has really tore the heart of the fight out in me. It has knocked me for six. I'm just not sure what to do or what to change or if I should change/do whatever, anything,nothing....
R>
R>
I must stay clean,i must stay clean,I must stay clean,I must stay clean .......clean.....start again......start again....
problem#1: can't sleep, don't want to frankly. Didn't sleep for 48 hrs, collapsed exhausted for TWO hours.Woke in a pool of sweat, heart thrashing.A recouring vivid nightmare, same one each time....I dream I'm lying at one end of a street surrounded by alcoholics,drug addicts; I crawl over and through the degradation, over broken whiskey bottles and scattered needles towards the other end of the street; there's a light there and as I get closer I see my little daughter urging me on....I finally get to the end of the street and pull myself to my feet. I'm clean now. Wearing a suit and tie. I pick her up and walk towards a car. As I open the car door this massive fist comes springing out and knocks me clean on my back. When I open my eyes I'm right back at the bottom of the alley. I repeat the process, over and over and over....but each time I reach my daughter she's older, bigger. Eventually she's so big I can no longer pick her up. I wake up. I've just had this dream but this last time it was different at the end. When I couldn't pick her up, her smile evaporates. She doesn't scowl or frown. She just looked at me. Penetrating eyes. I wonder what it is she is looking at so I look into a puddle at my own reflection. My hair is all white. I say to myself " am I seventy years old already?". Is this my future? Am I destined to failure? Perhaps I have indeed "missed the boat"....left it too late. I'm really starting to wonder.....
Problem #2: Can't eat. Living on sugary tea. Any food I eat just comes straight back up.
Problem #3: The word is out. I've been volunteering at the private nursing home that is at the end of my street. The manager took me on because the majority of their nursing staff are form China. Many speak English haltingly and some don't speak it at all. They have two interpreters that have real trouble especially with patients with strong Northern accents. They are also from China and so are worked on shifts taking it in turns between them to do nights. To speak English at all they will have definitely gone to university/college back in China but they get paid minimum wage. I am half Chinese with a chinese mother who's English (even now) is poor at best so I had to learn Mandarin right from the word go. As it is the language I converse with my mother in I am pretty fluent. I was walking past the place one morning when I spotted one of the pensioners outside the door lying against it and banging on it as best he could (very weakly). I stopped and went over to ask him if he needed any help. He said that he was just trying to get back in and he couldn't remember how or how long he had been outside. I rang the bell and banged loudly on the door which was answered eventually. The nurse that answered started cursing and scolding him in mandarin (some of the things she said beggars belief) when I cut her off dead in Mandarin that this was no way to treat the elderly. She immediately went silent as I helped her carry him. Just the week before X'mas the same thing happened again. The same man. Same situation. This time though he had a cut on his head (not bad) but had also soiled himself. Did the same thing but this time I insisted on seeing the manager. I had to speak to her in the kitchen where she was trying to solve a crisis. From the smell, I would say it was rotten meat. She listened to me and I told her that this was the second time I had witnessed it and that it happened very very regularly. One of the nurses had let slip in Mandarin that "this guy got lost every time he went to the TV room,his memory was so poor,she was fed up with him disappearing outside on a daily basis". I said that I was free and could help and try and sort out the situation. The manager almost bit my hand off so eager and desperate was she for help that a)didn't cost and b) could speak both languages properly. It turned out that he had a room that was in one of the corners of the house and that one of the security doors was not locked. It was a case of turning right instead of left. He wasn't senile and he certainly was NOT stupid. I had him moved to a room that was much much closer to the public/utility rooms. That one day turned into the rest off the week which turned into another and.....up til last week. They had me down as a proper volunteer.My own badge,everything. I don't blame the manager. They are severely understaffed and she just hadn't got round to doing the paper work, references, filling in a proper application etc. The one lot that weren't pleased were the nurses. They now had to watch every word they said on top of everything else. The staff morale is very low and there is a lot of resentment in the place.
At last I had something positive to do. In spite of the place, I enjoyed it. Then a few days ago the manager asked to see me. She came straight out and said it. One of the nurses had a friend that worked at the petrol station and heard....blah blah. Was it true? Yes but I had been clean for x amount of time. Would I be willing to take certain tests? Yes. She would have to check with the owners/directors 1st. As much as she hated to, she had to suspend me from volunteering there.
1 step forward,2 steps back. A nowhere man going nowhere and is fast running out of time.
But to be really honest, the thing I'm finding hardest is the boredom. My body was just getting used to getting up in the morning, working all day at something different everyday, getting home, shower, N.A. and for the first time in years and years, going to bed before midnight and sleeping through the night. Since all this happened, I haven't actually been to bed. Just nodding off here and there. Pacing up and down my flat,going out for long aimless meandering walks,itchy hair (haven't showered), scratchy chin(haven't shaved),dusty flat,un-opened mail, can't face NA, watching TV, chain smoking, thinking.....worrying...thinking.....worrying.....thinking.....thinking and worrying and panicking that I know a sure-fire way to alleviate this intolerable state of affairs.
What scares me is that I'm not that bothered;but what REALLY scares me is that I'm not scared.Not.One.Bit.
Reshie>
p.s. help........( I really did not want to unload all of this now. 'Lost' needs all our support right now - including mine but things have spiralled downwards so fast....add feelings of guilt to the list.....)
problem#1: can't sleep, don't want to frankly. Didn't sleep for 48 hrs, collapsed exhausted for TWO hours.Woke in a pool of sweat, heart thrashing.A recouring vivid nightmare, same one each time....I dream I'm lying at one end of a street surrounded by alcoholics,drug addicts; I crawl over and through the degradation, over broken whiskey bottles and scattered needles towards the other end of the street; there's a light there and as I get closer I see my little daughter urging me on....I finally get to the end of the street and pull myself to my feet. I'm clean now. Wearing a suit and tie. I pick her up and walk towards a car. As I open the car door this massive fist comes springing out and knocks me clean on my back. When I open my eyes I'm right back at the bottom of the alley. I repeat the process, over and over and over....but each time I reach my daughter she's older, bigger. Eventually she's so big I can no longer pick her up. I wake up. I've just had this dream but this last time it was different at the end. When I couldn't pick her up, her smile evaporates. She doesn't scowl or frown. She just looked at me. Penetrating eyes. I wonder what it is she is looking at so I look into a puddle at my own reflection. My hair is all white. I say to myself " am I seventy years old already?". Is this my future? Am I destined to failure? Perhaps I have indeed "missed the boat"....left it too late. I'm really starting to wonder.....
Problem #2: Can't eat. Living on sugary tea. Any food I eat just comes straight back up.
Problem #3: The word is out. I've been volunteering at the private nursing home that is at the end of my street. The manager took me on because the majority of their nursing staff are form China. Many speak English haltingly and some don't speak it at all. They have two interpreters that have real trouble especially with patients with strong Northern accents. They are also from China and so are worked on shifts taking it in turns between them to do nights. To speak English at all they will have definitely gone to university/college back in China but they get paid minimum wage. I am half Chinese with a chinese mother who's English (even now) is poor at best so I had to learn Mandarin right from the word go. As it is the language I converse with my mother in I am pretty fluent. I was walking past the place one morning when I spotted one of the pensioners outside the door lying against it and banging on it as best he could (very weakly). I stopped and went over to ask him if he needed any help. He said that he was just trying to get back in and he couldn't remember how or how long he had been outside. I rang the bell and banged loudly on the door which was answered eventually. The nurse that answered started cursing and scolding him in mandarin (some of the things she said beggars belief) when I cut her off dead in Mandarin that this was no way to treat the elderly. She immediately went silent as I helped her carry him. Just the week before X'mas the same thing happened again. The same man. Same situation. This time though he had a cut on his head (not bad) but had also soiled himself. Did the same thing but this time I insisted on seeing the manager. I had to speak to her in the kitchen where she was trying to solve a crisis. From the smell, I would say it was rotten meat. She listened to me and I told her that this was the second time I had witnessed it and that it happened very very regularly. One of the nurses had let slip in Mandarin that "this guy got lost every time he went to the TV room,his memory was so poor,she was fed up with him disappearing outside on a daily basis". I said that I was free and could help and try and sort out the situation. The manager almost bit my hand off so eager and desperate was she for help that a)didn't cost and b) could speak both languages properly. It turned out that he had a room that was in one of the corners of the house and that one of the security doors was not locked. It was a case of turning right instead of left. He wasn't senile and he certainly was NOT stupid. I had him moved to a room that was much much closer to the public/utility rooms. That one day turned into the rest off the week which turned into another and.....up til last week. They had me down as a proper volunteer.My own badge,everything. I don't blame the manager. They are severely understaffed and she just hadn't got round to doing the paper work, references, filling in a proper application etc. The one lot that weren't pleased were the nurses. They now had to watch every word they said on top of everything else. The staff morale is very low and there is a lot of resentment in the place.
At last I had something positive to do. In spite of the place, I enjoyed it. Then a few days ago the manager asked to see me. She came straight out and said it. One of the nurses had a friend that worked at the petrol station and heard....blah blah. Was it true? Yes but I had been clean for x amount of time. Would I be willing to take certain tests? Yes. She would have to check with the owners/directors 1st. As much as she hated to, she had to suspend me from volunteering there.
1 step forward,2 steps back. A nowhere man going nowhere and is fast running out of time.
But to be really honest, the thing I'm finding hardest is the boredom. My body was just getting used to getting up in the morning, working all day at something different everyday, getting home, shower, N.A. and for the first time in years and years, going to bed before midnight and sleeping through the night. Since all this happened, I haven't actually been to bed. Just nodding off here and there. Pacing up and down my flat,going out for long aimless meandering walks,itchy hair (haven't showered), scratchy chin(haven't shaved),dusty flat,un-opened mail, can't face NA, watching TV, chain smoking, thinking.....worrying...thinking.....worrying.....thinking.....thinking and worrying and panicking that I know a sure-fire way to alleviate this intolerable state of affairs.
What scares me is that I'm not that bothered;but what REALLY scares me is that I'm not scared.Not.One.Bit.
Reshie>
p.s. help........( I really did not want to unload all of this now. 'Lost' needs all our support right now - including mine but things have spiralled downwards so fast....add feelings of guilt to the list.....)
Reshie, please don't feel guilty because of me. You have been an immense support to me and i want to do the same for you. Thats how this board works...we are all in pain and we all help each other.
First of all, well done for finding something so worthwhile to do with your time. Try and be positive, the manager talked to you about her concerns, you answered honestly and are willing to take any test they need you to. They are just covering their backs and it does sound like they really need you. This may not be the end of the volunteering and they have already seen how well you have been doing so don't give up. Give them time to sort out the bureaucracy and it may well go in your favour. If not then something else WILL come along, be patient. Perhaps you can still visit some of the patients in the meantime? I'm sure it would make their day to be able to chat with someone in their own language, things like that make such a huge difference to peoples lives.
The dreams, well they are tough. My man had terrible dreams, fighting for his life, fighting to protect me, always outnumbered, odds against him, vivid disturbing dreams that are impossible to go to sleep again after. He would wake up and have to get up immediately, whatever the time. They are horrible and i don't really know what to suggest other than hang in there and i am sure they will subside. The dreams are your addiction's last attempts to pull you back in.
The eating thing is a hard one too, you are over the physical withdrawls so i imagine it is because of your worry that you feel this way. Since my man died i have lost half a stone, my tummy is so churned up it cannot settle and doesn't like to be interupted by mere food!!! Have you tried some soup? If you are managing tea then maybe a bland but nourishing soup will help and keep lots of easy nibbles in the house so when you are hungry it doesn't take much effort. I normally love to cook but everything reminds me of my man and i find myself crying whilst frying a bl##dy egg! My mum used to give me a tonic when i was a kid after i'd been poorly so maybe try and find one in your pharmacy, they are full of vitamins to keep your strength up, if you don't look after your body and you're not sleeping too, bless you, you must feel terrible. Also i used to buy my man 'build up' milkshakes and soups, also available from the pharmacy...again with added vitamins for people who are poorly and can't manage much. Worth a try!
What scares me is that I'm not that bothered;but what REALLY scares me is that I'm not scared.Not.One.Bit.
This scares me too Reshie. My man said the same thing, he would cross the road without looking, no longer cared what happened to him....but it does matter reshie, your little girl needs you to be strong. Yes you know a way to make it all go away TEMPORARILY but it will still be waiting for you when the drug wears off and you will feel so much worse, so guilty and you will be back in hell OR you will be dead and your little girl will have no daddy. This pain will pass and going back to heroin after all that you have been through to kick it is not a solution. You've felt worse than this and you will get through it, don't make it worse.
Keep posting reshie, we all care, you will get through this.
With lots of love xxxx
First of all, well done for finding something so worthwhile to do with your time. Try and be positive, the manager talked to you about her concerns, you answered honestly and are willing to take any test they need you to. They are just covering their backs and it does sound like they really need you. This may not be the end of the volunteering and they have already seen how well you have been doing so don't give up. Give them time to sort out the bureaucracy and it may well go in your favour. If not then something else WILL come along, be patient. Perhaps you can still visit some of the patients in the meantime? I'm sure it would make their day to be able to chat with someone in their own language, things like that make such a huge difference to peoples lives.
The dreams, well they are tough. My man had terrible dreams, fighting for his life, fighting to protect me, always outnumbered, odds against him, vivid disturbing dreams that are impossible to go to sleep again after. He would wake up and have to get up immediately, whatever the time. They are horrible and i don't really know what to suggest other than hang in there and i am sure they will subside. The dreams are your addiction's last attempts to pull you back in.
The eating thing is a hard one too, you are over the physical withdrawls so i imagine it is because of your worry that you feel this way. Since my man died i have lost half a stone, my tummy is so churned up it cannot settle and doesn't like to be interupted by mere food!!! Have you tried some soup? If you are managing tea then maybe a bland but nourishing soup will help and keep lots of easy nibbles in the house so when you are hungry it doesn't take much effort. I normally love to cook but everything reminds me of my man and i find myself crying whilst frying a bl##dy egg! My mum used to give me a tonic when i was a kid after i'd been poorly so maybe try and find one in your pharmacy, they are full of vitamins to keep your strength up, if you don't look after your body and you're not sleeping too, bless you, you must feel terrible. Also i used to buy my man 'build up' milkshakes and soups, also available from the pharmacy...again with added vitamins for people who are poorly and can't manage much. Worth a try!
What scares me is that I'm not that bothered;but what REALLY scares me is that I'm not scared.Not.One.Bit.
This scares me too Reshie. My man said the same thing, he would cross the road without looking, no longer cared what happened to him....but it does matter reshie, your little girl needs you to be strong. Yes you know a way to make it all go away TEMPORARILY but it will still be waiting for you when the drug wears off and you will feel so much worse, so guilty and you will be back in hell OR you will be dead and your little girl will have no daddy. This pain will pass and going back to heroin after all that you have been through to kick it is not a solution. You've felt worse than this and you will get through it, don't make it worse.
Keep posting reshie, we all care, you will get through this.
With lots of love xxxx
