3rd day away from him..felt so down and depressed all day, finally got home from working at the hospital and decided to keep in touch with the parents and see if I get any supportive replies or any update on how the bf of 6 years meth addict is doing. I still love him and care for him. although I don't want to go back at all, 6 years is a very long time being with someone, I can't just pretend it never happened. I can never get him out of my mind. I don't understand why. He use to be so good and very normal in the first years of our relationship.
All i really wanted to know from the dad or mom is if he is looking like he might sober up and if ME leaving made him snap out of it..So I text the parents. I gave them a short sweet text saying if they needed any medical advice or anyone to talk to, I am here for them. This isn't unusual for us to text, they always use to text me when I was staying with them. Our bond was fairly nice and family-like. i was ignored and I received a 'K" as a response.
Is this normal? wthell am i doing wrong? I find it so hurtful. I'm done. What I really want to say back to them is "I have been helping your son, you never supported him in anything, you never checked on him when he was sick or when he was trying to sober up months ago, you never took him seriously to care what friends he made. You never stopped to think maybe loving him before he relied on drugs to feel good would have helped this situation from the beginning. You always threw his problems and life onto me because you knew I was stable and had my s*** together. (I'm sorry for cussing) I'm just so irritated and sad now :(
Is this normal to feel this way, gosh I feel half of my soul is missing? I am just going to lay in bed now and watch a movie to try to distract me from this pain.
Any words or comments would be so helpful thank you all
xoxo
Hi trying2cope,
try not to take it so personally about the reaction of his parents to you.. they are going through their own stuff right now trying to deal with their son. It's not YOU that caused the son to drug. Plus it doesn't much matter that you need their approval, right? after all, this relationship is between you and your b/f.. not his parents.
maybe they're having a bad day or something, another thing, I feel that you are judging his parents and putting blame on them when really maybe what they were trying to do when they weren't there was because they had to let him go.
when it's time for a child to leave the nest, it's time. It's not their responsibility to pick up after his messes. He's an adult now. it's a parents worst guilt to know your child is addicted. they feel it's their fault and wonder what they did wrong.
He had to get through his sickness himself. he doesn't need his parents to check in on him.
he needs to do this himself. no one else can help an addict. they have to do this themselves.
maybe you were placed in his life to give him the things you did because the parents weren't there.
one can't put the guilt on another, it's judging. How do you know for sure they didn't love him before he drugged?? I don't know a perfect family in my life time.
we are all just humans trying to learn why we are here, who we are and just to be able to pay for a meal and get to work or pay rent is enough to keep one occupied in a weeks time let alone worrying about your adult child addict. it doesn't mean they don't love him.
maybe it's a wise decision they did to pull back and not intervene. it would only get them involved in the merry go round with him.
you sound like a very loving and nurturing person, after all, that's the type of career you are in. you WANT to help others. it's in your nature. but it isn't in everyone. each one of us has our own job to do on this planet. we need to focus more on ourselves to learn about our behaviors so as not to hurt others, learn what we can do to not spread further violence to others and learn not to let our thoughts rule us.
I do understand your sadness and feelings of hurt. you are going through what everyone goes though who's in direct contact with a loved one who is an addict.
you were closer to the b/f than the parents were at this time in his life. it's going to effect you more. not them. but believe me, a parent NEVER forgets they have a child and there is no comparison to a bond that a parent has with their child that you can't get from a spouse., or friend.
He needs to do be alone right now to get on with this life. it's his choice whether to quit or continue. we are responsible for our own lives. they did they're part when he was a child.
that's all I'm saying. so please don't take it the wrong way.. I'm trying to show you from a parents prospective. not a girlfriends.
I know, because my child is a full blow heroin addict and we've been on the roller coaster of hell. I have to LEARN not to get involved.
there's a letter a woman wrote that's on this very forum. it's ten things NOT to do for an addict. and it's the very things we ALL do who are ever in a relationship with one.
It's very wise and helps me when I get weak and tend to want to do for my daughter thinking it will help her. its useless. I can't do it.. my daughter has to.
I wish you the best. we're here for you if you need the support. it's ok to be angry. it's an emotion. we all have emotions. you're exhausted I'm sure too.
I wish you the best.
try not to take it so personally about the reaction of his parents to you.. they are going through their own stuff right now trying to deal with their son. It's not YOU that caused the son to drug. Plus it doesn't much matter that you need their approval, right? after all, this relationship is between you and your b/f.. not his parents.
maybe they're having a bad day or something, another thing, I feel that you are judging his parents and putting blame on them when really maybe what they were trying to do when they weren't there was because they had to let him go.
when it's time for a child to leave the nest, it's time. It's not their responsibility to pick up after his messes. He's an adult now. it's a parents worst guilt to know your child is addicted. they feel it's their fault and wonder what they did wrong.
He had to get through his sickness himself. he doesn't need his parents to check in on him.
he needs to do this himself. no one else can help an addict. they have to do this themselves.
maybe you were placed in his life to give him the things you did because the parents weren't there.
one can't put the guilt on another, it's judging. How do you know for sure they didn't love him before he drugged?? I don't know a perfect family in my life time.
we are all just humans trying to learn why we are here, who we are and just to be able to pay for a meal and get to work or pay rent is enough to keep one occupied in a weeks time let alone worrying about your adult child addict. it doesn't mean they don't love him.
maybe it's a wise decision they did to pull back and not intervene. it would only get them involved in the merry go round with him.
you sound like a very loving and nurturing person, after all, that's the type of career you are in. you WANT to help others. it's in your nature. but it isn't in everyone. each one of us has our own job to do on this planet. we need to focus more on ourselves to learn about our behaviors so as not to hurt others, learn what we can do to not spread further violence to others and learn not to let our thoughts rule us.
I do understand your sadness and feelings of hurt. you are going through what everyone goes though who's in direct contact with a loved one who is an addict.
you were closer to the b/f than the parents were at this time in his life. it's going to effect you more. not them. but believe me, a parent NEVER forgets they have a child and there is no comparison to a bond that a parent has with their child that you can't get from a spouse., or friend.
He needs to do be alone right now to get on with this life. it's his choice whether to quit or continue. we are responsible for our own lives. they did they're part when he was a child.
that's all I'm saying. so please don't take it the wrong way.. I'm trying to show you from a parents prospective. not a girlfriends.
I know, because my child is a full blow heroin addict and we've been on the roller coaster of hell. I have to LEARN not to get involved.
there's a letter a woman wrote that's on this very forum. it's ten things NOT to do for an addict. and it's the very things we ALL do who are ever in a relationship with one.
It's very wise and helps me when I get weak and tend to want to do for my daughter thinking it will help her. its useless. I can't do it.. my daughter has to.
I wish you the best. we're here for you if you need the support. it's ok to be angry. it's an emotion. we all have emotions. you're exhausted I'm sure too.
I wish you the best.
Thank you for your advice and parental perspective. <3 I hope things get better and yeah I'm going to have to not take it personally, I just have a lot of anger and emotional issues to deal with at the moment.
I'll keep you updated! thank you
I'll keep you updated! thank you
trying2cope,
Don't let his parents make you feel bad. Don't take it personal at all. When my bf was going through rehab and everything for his heroin addiction I had no support whatsoever from his parents. Yeah, they checked up on me a few times while he was away, but once he came home that was it. My opinions and feelings didn't matter to his parents. If I was concerned about my bf then of course I told his mom. She said she would talk to him but never would. Like your situation his parents never supported him or acted liked they cared towards him. It's very sad. But don't hurt yourself even more by the responses you received from his parents. I would honestly just let it go. It's just something you shouldn't have to deal with right now.
staystrong19
Don't let his parents make you feel bad. Don't take it personal at all. When my bf was going through rehab and everything for his heroin addiction I had no support whatsoever from his parents. Yeah, they checked up on me a few times while he was away, but once he came home that was it. My opinions and feelings didn't matter to his parents. If I was concerned about my bf then of course I told his mom. She said she would talk to him but never would. Like your situation his parents never supported him or acted liked they cared towards him. It's very sad. But don't hurt yourself even more by the responses you received from his parents. I would honestly just let it go. It's just something you shouldn't have to deal with right now.
staystrong19
I'm not sure if it's normal. As a parent myself I've never blamed anyone else for my sons addiction. He is a big boy who makes his own choices and I know that. But I cannot speak for other parents. It's tough right now but just know as the days go on it will get easier for you. You will never forget about him but you will look at him and your past relationship from a different point of view. And probably without as much hurt and anger as your feeling now. Stay strong!
Best wishes
Lisa
Best wishes
Lisa
thank you so much! I will take that in consideration and use that advice daily. I am just a confused lost soul at this point. I know it is the right thing to do, but it feels so wrong..
Keep ya posted.
xox
Keep ya posted.
xox
