I have been mostly clean for one year and 10 months now. By mostly, I mean that I haven't chased the dragon or put a needle of heroin in my veins during that time. Among my heroin addiction I had many other vices: cocaine, acid, tranquilizers, sedatives, painkillers, etc. I managed to kick those too. But a few weeks ago I was slipped opiates at a party and since then I have had terrible cravings. That small amount was enough to make me still feel junk sick and utterly depressed / borderline suicidal... things I haven't felt in a long time. The cravings are so bad that I even dream about tapping the vein. I'm losing my mind and I'm so afraid that I'm going to fall off the wagon on my own terms this time ... I know that I will lose everything that I worked so hard to gain. This just couldn't have happened at a worse time. I have been trying to deal with so many personal issues that have arisen recently that it's getting to be too much to bear... I know that I'm not alone but I can't help feeling that way.
It just amazes me that the smallest amount of this drug has transformed me into a junkie again. Even though I haven't been shooting I'm behaving like a junkie again. I'm depressed, anxious, sick, and irritable. I don't want to get out of bed to do anything. I don't want to pick up my instruments or go out with my friends. I just want to sit in my room, dazed and drooling over the thought of a fix. I feel like a terrible girlfriend, friend, co-worker, sister, daughter.. I just don't know what to do. I went to meetings all over the place and they just didn't seem to help. I just need some new people to talk to about this, I suppose. I don't know what kind of advice I could even ask for... anything you have to offer would be so appreciated.
What did you do last time, Lionhearted? How did you get and stay more or less clean for almost two years? Whatever it was, do it again. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but you can rise above it. What's been going on with you?
Peace ~ MomNMore
Peace ~ MomNMore
Thank you for responding. Like I said I don't know what I wanted anyone to say.. I just needed to say something.
But anyway, I have to be honest.. I have absolutely no idea what kept me clean. I know that losing my sister to an overdose and my youngest brother being born on heroin and watching him go through withdrawal as an infant were things that inspired me to try to be clean. But I honestly don't know what kept me there. After awhile it became a pride thing, I suppose. I became so self-righteous about being 17 and kicking heroin on my own (when rehab failed) that I didn't want to have to admit to anyone that I slipped up but I didn't want to be a liar so I just fought the cravings. But after awhile I just found other things to be addicted to.. I went back to cutting and abusive relationships.
Then, finally, I found the man I had always been looking for and I just didn't feel the need to take any drugs. He completely erased my cravings for any sort of self-destruction. That is, until, we both experienced some personal tragedy and didn't deal with it well. His mother was diagnosed with a fatal disease and my best friend of 16 years committed suicide. Our relationship started to suffer a bit as a result of our emotional stress. Things have gotten much better, thankfully, but that really got me down for awhile.
But now that the opiates have been reintroduced to my system it seems that it's the little things that kill. A bad day at work, feeling a little under the weather, any minute little inconvenience that sets off my cravings.. The junkie once again looking for any excuse to numb out. I don't know what's wrong with me this time. I jsut feel like I'm losing my mind again.
But anyway, I have to be honest.. I have absolutely no idea what kept me clean. I know that losing my sister to an overdose and my youngest brother being born on heroin and watching him go through withdrawal as an infant were things that inspired me to try to be clean. But I honestly don't know what kept me there. After awhile it became a pride thing, I suppose. I became so self-righteous about being 17 and kicking heroin on my own (when rehab failed) that I didn't want to have to admit to anyone that I slipped up but I didn't want to be a liar so I just fought the cravings. But after awhile I just found other things to be addicted to.. I went back to cutting and abusive relationships.
Then, finally, I found the man I had always been looking for and I just didn't feel the need to take any drugs. He completely erased my cravings for any sort of self-destruction. That is, until, we both experienced some personal tragedy and didn't deal with it well. His mother was diagnosed with a fatal disease and my best friend of 16 years committed suicide. Our relationship started to suffer a bit as a result of our emotional stress. Things have gotten much better, thankfully, but that really got me down for awhile.
But now that the opiates have been reintroduced to my system it seems that it's the little things that kill. A bad day at work, feeling a little under the weather, any minute little inconvenience that sets off my cravings.. The junkie once again looking for any excuse to numb out. I don't know what's wrong with me this time. I jsut feel like I'm losing my mind again.
