Greetings to all - especially the newcomers on this site, for you are the most important people here.
As I peruse over some of the recent messages posted here and another recovery board, (where I am going to post this same message), my thoughts drift to the changes and challenges that are occurring in my life - two major ones, which consists of a job change from a place I have worked for the past 5.5 years and committing to taking the action to stop the addiction of cigarette smoking, which has held me in its grips for the better part of 40 years.
The first change will begin this coming Monday and the second will begin the next day, Tuesday. I'm excited about the positive results I feel confident both changes will bring; however, (don't you just love that word however?) there is a little twinge of sadness (and I don't know if sadness is the right word to describe what I'm feeling). Maybe more like surrendering two things that became comfort zones over the years; yet ultimately realizing the harm emotionally, physically, and spiritually these "comforts" have caused has brought me once again to the state of surrender. Without a doubt, and through past experience I know that there are times I have to surrender to win the battle. And with my past surrendering (my addiction to pills) comes the strengthening of trust and faith.
I've been doing a lot of reading this past week, as I took a week's vacation before embarking upon this new chapter in my life and wanted to share with you the following writing by Fr. Ron Rolheiser. There is much in Fr. Rolheiser's words that I find empowering, practical, and speaks to my heart.
If anyone hasn't told you they love you today, I do.
Namaste' ~
Sammy
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Perhaps the most important thing we ever need to learn is this: It is safe to love!
It is safe to love. Yes, it is safe to be vulnerable because we are in loving hands. It is safe to surrender because we fall into light, not darkness. It is safe to be weak because the strength we need is found when we give up on our own power. It is safe give up the hurts we cling to because these lose their force when we are in love. It is safe to trust, to let our loved ones be free, because a power beyond us loves them more than we do and ultimately takes care of their safety. It is safe to give ourselves over without fear because, as faith teaches, in the end, all will be well. And it is safe to live our lives with daring because God, as Julian Norwich assures us, sits in heaven, smiling, completely relaxed, his face looking like a marvellous symphony. The world is ultimately safe. It is safe to love.
But it's not easy to believe that. Perhaps if we had all been loved perfectly, had perfect confidence, and had never been wounded, disappointed, betrayed, or made to cry tears of regret, we would find it easier to believe that it is safe, that we can trust, that we have no need to protect ourselves, and that we do not need to be forever anxious about how we are measuring up, how we are being perceived, how we are being understood, and whether we are worthy of love.
Most of the time we find it hard to trust because we find ourselves wounded, lacking confidence, anxious about many things, feeling the need to protect ourselves. It is hard to trust and especially it is hard to show weakness and to be vulnerable. In the air we breathe everywhere (sometimes even in our most intimate relationships) we inhale a distrust that makes us want to show a superior strength, attractiveness, talent, intelligence, self-reliance, and cool detachment. Distrust and self- protection are everywhere. It's hard to let ourselves be vulnerable, to trust that it is safe to love.
And yet, deep down, vulnerability and surrender are what we most deeply want. At every level, we need and want surrender. Morally and religiously, the entire gospels can be put into one word: Surrender. Emotionally, psychologically, and sexually the deepest imperative inside of us is simply: Surrender. And, deeper than all of our anxieties and our need to protect ourselves, lies a truth we know at the core of our being, namely, that in the end we cannot take care of ourselves, we cannot make ourselves whole, and we cannot hide our weaknesses from each other. We need to surrender, to trust, to let ourselves fall into stronger and safer hands than our own.
But in order to do this we need to trust, trust that it is safe to love, to let go, to reveal whom we really are, to show weakness, to not have to pretend that we are whole and self-reliant. This, as we know, is not easy to do. Indeed, on any given day and at any given moment, it is existentially impossible for us to feel safe, to give ourselves over, to be vulnerable. And so we generally risk the cold misery of detachment rather than risk being misunderstood, rejected, shamed, or seen as needy.
How do we move towards trust? How do we, as Henri Nouwen puts it, move from the house of fear to the house of love?
There is no easy way, no simple formula, no magic bullet, and simply realizing where we need to go is not enough to get us there. Awhile back, at a workshop, a woman came up to me at the break and said: "I agree with what you, trust is everything, but ... I can't get there!" She speaks for almost all of us.
How can we get there? How do we pull the trigger on trust?
This is a journey that takes a lifetime. To master this is to be a saint.
So we shouldn't be surprised if we still find ourselves, at least on any given day, a long ways from where we want to be. Perhaps the best advice comes from Ruth Burrows, the British Carmelite. In her "Guidelines for Mystical Prayer", she offers us this:
Surrender and abandonment are like a deep, inviting, frightening ocean into which we are drawn. We make excursions into it to test it, to see whether it's safe, to enjoy the sensation of it. But, for all kinds of reasons, we always go back to dry land, to solid ground, to where we are safe. But the ocean beckons us out anew and we risk again being afloat in something bigger than ourselves. And we keep doing that, wading in and then going back to safety, until one day, when we are ready, we just let the waters carry us away.
Excellent post Sammy and thank you for sharing....Good luck on the new chapters unfolding in your life...I remember Teresa saying that by getting out of my comfort zone and doing the next right thing, as uncomfortable as it might seem, will give me spiritual growth and I have found this to be so true....For me, sometimes I need to feel uncomfortable so I may grow spiritually....
I related so well to this statement and by having faith, I have regained sanity, peace and serenity...
QUOTE
It is safe to trust, to let our loved ones be free, because a power beyond us loves them more than we do and ultimately takes care of their safety.
Congrats on the New Job. I am happy for you. Your one of the brightest people I have ever met and we have talked maybe 1-2hrs?
Your very special. I pray you do make it down here to Florida as I have a few issues that I know you can help me with., But I need to be F2F to explain.
The cigs? 40yrs? you told me you 35 yrs old. How could you be smoking 40 yrs?
LMAO--Sammy My dear if you want to quit throw the Mfers out and suffer a bit. No long story just throw them out and however your body reacts you will deal with it.
I quit so many things. Cigs god I am so sick I quit and started back on them as it gave me something to do with the EX-- I am a Putz--but I quit twice. Sammy nothing better than some good toot in a Newport cig. EWhen I quit the toot I was smoking 3-4 packs during recovery and chain smoked during the halfway house.
But I woke up one day after someone challenged me My Sponsor--Bet me I could not stop before leaving Arizona for New york. I quit c/T and it was tough. But I did it cause I wanted to.
Sammy its all in the head baby. You know the drill.
My dad is getting his reversal surgery on the 20th. Its a major procedure. He is in a lot of pain and has to face this upcoming surgery.
I have reacted like an idiot. Working to hard -eating poorly put on a few pounds as its so freakin cold at night I cant walk more than 5 minutes. Just a phase. Once the heat comes back I will get back to walking. Only missed 3 days and feel like a FAT IDIOT.
Good luck with your new adventure Sammy. You will be the best at whatever you do....good luck quitting smoking too. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Love the post....xxxooo
I can understand what you mean about sadness, I get that way with any kind of change in my life, even when it's a good change. I don't handle changes well, I find with the slightest changes in my life it takes me time to adjust, I'll lose sleep and my appetite for awhile.
I wish you the best of luck, I know you will do great at whatever you do.
Sammy- You are so inspirational when you post. I want some of what you got. I love that you are willing to share it with us. Good luck your new job is lucky to have you I know what you bring here everytime you post and that is hope, faith, experience and strength. Don't ever doubt your personal presence I can feel it through the computer - I swear I can! Your an amazing person. I hope you succeed in your quiting smoking. Much love & respect, Jane
my friends, precious stacey, jeffrey (whaddya mean we've only spoken 1-2 hours? you gotta be kidding me, right kid?), sweet thumper, bob - i'm so happy to see you posting again - gosh i've missed you, lisa, my angel who doesn't fly to far from my shoulder, liz - i know you understand - you always do and that is what i love about you - your innate ability to understand, and jane - you dipped your pen in my heart many hours ago on this board and here you do it again today...for all of you i am thankful.
to bring you up to date a little, i found a smoking cessation board on msn called "GUST", which is an acronym for giving up smoking together. i joined it and would like to share with you what i shared there. i've already shared this on PA but consider you such a huge part of my online family, i wanted to bring you up to date too. "GUST" wanted a little intro of new members and this is what i said:
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thank you, gabs and sarah, for the warm welcome!
i love acronyms and when i happened upon this community last night, i thought wow "GUST" what a neat name for a smoking cessation group.
a little about myself - i've smoked the better part of the past 40 years. about 9 years ago, i tried once to stop smoking via cold turkey. that lasted all of 4 days, when i made the choice to start smoking again.
in september of 2005, i was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma, which resulted in a right nephrectomy. thank you, God that the kidney cancer had not metastasized and was surgically remedied; however, in researching the particular type of kidney cancer i had the #1 cause is a result of cigarette smoking.
the #2 cause is the ingestion of salicylates, acetamenophin, phenacetin - all of which i have consumed mass quantities and were properties of certain precription medications that i was addicted to for years.
on july 1, 1998 i made the decision to enter recovery for my pill addiction. however, the damage done to my body had already been set in stone. unbeknownst to me, the size of the tumor indicated that i had been walking around with it for years.
the program of recovery i embraced for my pill addiction was one of spiritual nature - the 12 steps. to be perfectly honest with you, i had given much thought and had set a target date about a year ago, which i did not follow through. i feel as if God has given me a gift in allowing me to remain cancer free and how arrogant of me to say, thank you God for allowing me this opportunity to live, then i pick up a cigarette and continue to smoke. that's my will getting in the way, and without a doubt, i know where my will takes me when not aligned with all that is good.
my plan is the following:
1) yesterday i saw my physician and we talked in some length about me stopping smoking. the purpose for me making this appointment was to talk to him about this. he has never made any mention of my cigarette smoking, although i knew each time i walked into his office (or anywhere for that much), he could smell the smoke on me. he wrote me a prescription for chantix.
2) i start a new job this coming monday. believe it or not they give a $500 bonus after the end of one year if you stop smoking. wowzers - a financial reward as an added incentive to making oneself's more healthful! that got my attention!
3) due to the fact that the chantix is not covered by insurance, i will not have the additional money for the starter kit until next tuesday - so i have targeted tuesday march 13th as my start date with the chantix.
4) i have 7 packs of cigarettes left in a carton and by next tuesday, there will be probably 2 packs left. the directions on the chantix state to start the chantix while you are smoking and you will notice the vast difference in the number of cigs you will pick up.
5) my sister, who was also a smoker, started this chantix 3 weeks ago and has had absolutely no cravings and has not smoked. so i'm sure i will be leaning on her and another friend (i'm talking about you mizz bird) who has about 120 days smoke free due to the aid of chantix. this other friend smoked for about as long as i have and is also involved in the 12 step program - our stories are somewhat similar.
6) i will be checking into this site for additional online support but probably not until the evening hours, as my job does not allow online posting activity during work hours.
7) since i will not be able to pick up the chantix until after work on tuesday, my question to anyone who has experience with this medication is should i start it tuesday evening or does it matter what time of day one takes it? perhaps, that is something i should reserve for my physician to answer - i haven't had a chance to read all of this site's rules, so please excuse me if i have asked a question that is not appropriate.
so that's about it. i realize there is no magical cure and lot has to do with re-wiring my thoughts and behavior patterns. i've already received some wonderful suggestions from some other non-smokers about behavior changes i need to put in place. you know, a very dear friend of mine who walked with me through my cancer surgery in 2005 asked me after my surgical recovery if i was still smoking. i told him "yes" then he went on to ask: "sammy, do you plan on having your follow-up CT scan that you have to have every six months of your abdomen/pelvis to make sure your cancer has not returned?" i replied, "yes". and then he said, "do you plan on having your yearly mammogram to make sure you don't have breast cancer?" to which i replied, "yes". then he asked me: "why are you going to spend all of this money and time having the scans, x-rays, doctors visits, blood work etc. if you are going to continue to smoke?"
ouch - that one really hit home and i am forever grateful for speaking his truth to me.
i'm going to need you people for your love and support, suggestions (any and all i welcome) and look forward to making some new friends here. thanks so much for allowing me to share and i hope by sometime within the next week, i will be able to say that i am a non smoker.
hugs to all ~
sammy
end of "GUST" post
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i will be posting more on the smoking cessation board and probably contacting you all over the next few weeks privately for additional support. please if you do not have me on your yahoo IM would you add me, so i may contact you? my user ID is dsam2u.
again, thank you all for your kind words and support. thank you all for you. geee - what a great community this is to be able to be a part of and for you all, i am grateful
Sammy dear, good luck to you. I know you will do it and I know the how difficult this smoking thing is. I have been tying to kick for years...some years I have had better luck than others. I Have been having dreaded nightmares lately of dying from some horrible smoking related disease. I have a box of the patches and am going to give it yet another go.
Don't feel bad about leaning on medication to get you through the rough patches. We all have our weaknesses and deal with them differently.
Believe it or not, I hated taking medication, any kind until pain pills. Then i got addicted and gobbled them up like there was no tomorrow. I am on suboxone now for that problem but am now weaning and will be done with that too.
I don't want anymore meds ever! I am going to stop too....I will do the patch and stick to it this time!
Good news on your new Job! Fantastic...you are such an inspiration.
Sammy Your the brightest woman I have ever spoken with in my life. 1-2 hrs is a blessing.
I think about your logic daily so I guess i think about you a lot.
Things are very difficult but I am doing my best. My dad is fighting for his life,
The 20th is the next operation. He is in constant pain right now. My Mom is ANGRY-- I am helpless so I turn to people like you--John-and a couple other people I trust to help me.
Sammy I pray you come visit Florida this year as I need someones advice and I trust YOU--selfish of me but hope your travels bring you to Me.
You are going to be amazed at how well the Chantix works! Promise!
You start the medication in the morning...the starter kit has it all prepunched for you with little suns and moons! This medication makes a cigarette just taste gross! You won't like it if you do it! I found that for a breakthrough craving the first couple of weeks, I could chew the gum (Nicorette, Fruit Chill) and be just fine. Now, I don't have the cravings anymore, period.
You set your target date to quit one week after the target date to start the medication.
You are going to do fantastic, and be such a wonderful example for all those struggling!
I am so happy for you...and also, I want to thank you for turning me on to Ron (oh crap, I cannot remember his last name now!)...the Catholic Priest! I googled him early this morning, when I was awakened by very distressing news. (Around 1 AM)....I logged on a little after, and saw this post...it had exactly what I needed to hear in it...and I ventured further into his writings and into the mystic prayers of Julian Norwich. Sammy, you will never know how important those words are to me...I have been able to conduct myself with grace today after having been led to prayer last night. Prayer and breath...
I am so happy for you! How long has it been since you quit? Have you noticed any side effects? Anything at all. Just wondering.....maybe I should get a script. I too am a hard core smoker!!
Sammy, My doctor prescribed me wellbutrin to quit smoking. After taking it for a couple of weeks the cigarettes started to taste nasty so in that sense the Wellbutrin was working but I wasn't doing my part to help me quit smoking. I couldn't break the habit part. You know you wake up in the morning and it's a habit to have that cigarette with your coffee, or one before bed, or one after well you get my point. Good luck to you and let all of us want to be x-smokers know how you do. Shantel
Good luck with the smoking cessation, Sammy. You have a lot of insight into why you need to quit, and presumably into why you smoke, and that information is invaluable in dealing with any addiction, as I'm sure you know.
Good luck on your plan to quit smoking. It sounds like a well thought out one. I have the starter kit of the Chantrix here (for a couple of months now) and can't bring myself to get onboard yet.
BTW, that CA scare concerning one of my family members is over. The Dr.s @ Vanderbilt just told her that everything is going to be ok. She just needs to be tested and closely monitored every six months. Our prayers have been answered. Also, my surgery is scheduled for next Thrusday. I'm actually scared and dreading it (big baby here,lol), But I have no choice but to have it done. Dealing with the post op pain is what scares me the most @ this point.
I love you and I just know that you will succeed and conquer.
Sammy-Congratulations on the job and yes you will quit smoking. One of the things that helped me so much with smoking was replacing it with a hobby which required maximum lung capacity. Your choice. Every time I thought about picking up a cigarette,I thought how it would effect my preformance. Whatever trick you use is up to you. Much support from me.
Liz - thanks so much for the email exchange earlier today. As I indicated to you, I will be unable to partake in any discussions here during the day M - F, but will certainly touch base with you during the evening. No need to respond to this, because I know you are busy writing essays and wow - I'm still in awe of those magnificient pictures you sent of the snow in Oswego. My son would go nuts if he were there - he's such a snowboard freak!
Shantell - this is a two-way street! Likewise, I always enjoy reading what you have to share. The only thing I can think of that surpasses your outward beauty is your inward kindness and compassion. You radiate the epitome of grace and I thank you so much for your well wishes. I'd love to chat with you sometime if you use yahoo - please add me if you do. I think the very thing that attracted me to the Chantix is that it is not an SSRI. At one point in my life, I was on an SSRI and although it wasn't for the mere means as stopping smoking, it did not decrease any cravings for the cigarettes. The blurb that my doctor gave me came straight from Pfizer's page: "There are receptors for nicotine in the brain. When smoke is inhaled, nicotine attaches to these receptors. This sends a message to a different part of the brain to release a chemical called dopamine. Dopamine gives a feeling of pleasure. But it only lasts for a short time. The body wants to repeat this feeling. Based on research, it is believed that CHANTIX (varenicline) works by activating these receptors and blocking nicotine from attaching to them. However, CHANTIX does not contain nicotine." Sounds rather interesting to me!
Kee Kee - thanks for the vote of confidence! I do appreciate you addressing the feelings of the dependence of the Chantix, while I achieve this part of my journey to live smoke free. As I stated above, I realize that there is no magical cure and that I will have to make some behavior modifications, which I've already begun to consciously address; yet I have read, and seen in my face to face life, how this Chantix has helped some and I'm going to give it a chance to help me. My daughter recently started on Suboxone and I am so proud of her for doing so. She was in an auto-accident over a year ago, and sustained some pretty serious injuries. As a result of her injuries, she was taking some very addictive medications and she realized about 6 weeks ago that she had crossed the line into a psychological addiction, as she began to abuse her meds. I am thrilled for you and your decision about the Sub and wish you the best with the weaning process. Can we chat sometime? I feel a kindred spirit in you and what you write. More oft than not, I don't reply because you've said precisely what I would have. I'd enjoy getting to know you better.
Jeff - ok, you can tack another 30 minutes on to that telephone log. Thank you, my friend, for your time this afternoon. To be able to pick up the phone and talk with some of the people here who have become integral in my life is like the icing on the cake. I betcha got more sun than you realized!
Sarah - wow, thanks for the information. So it looks like since I won't have the script for the Chantix until Tuesday night, I will start it Wednesday morning (if I am interpretting what you posted correctly)? That's cool, and thank you so much for this information. My doctor gave the script for the starter pack and then he wrote something else + a refill, but I wasn't clear on when I was to start this. I'm going to call my sister in a while and see how she is doing on it. She told me that she hasn't had to take as much as recommended, yet she has gone for many years at a time without smoking. I plan on following directions that come with the pack but it sure did help knowing what to expect. Regarding Fr. Ron Rolheiser - I'm so happy there was something I could post that brought peace to your heart. Here is a link to Julian of Norwich for further reading, if you so desire. After reading more of this 1300's spiritual teacher's writings, I equate some of what Marianne Williamson writes today to that of Julian of Norwich.
Gina - I followed your story of smoking cessation with great interest. You probably are not aware of this, but I have to tell you that what you shared was of great inspiration to and for me to make this decision. Thank you for the kudos on the new job and my decision to stop smoking. I'm sure I will be leaning on you in the weeks to come.
Sharon - sweet Sharon - this is the best news I have heard all day! Whew - it's nice to be able share this sigh of relief with you. And you dear one, would you drop me an email and let me know a little more about your surgery. Are you going to be inpatient or OP? What can I do to help you from here? Email or IM me please, so I will know who to contact to see how you are doing. I love you, dear friend. You are going to do just fine.
Surfer Boy - last but not least - you old lug, thanks for your love and support. Let's see - replace this with a hobby that requires some lung capacity. Hmmmm - I used to play the "licorice stick" as kid in the school band. I betcha if I looked hard enough in my attick, I would find it. I'm sure it needs new cork and probably a complete overhaul, but you gave me a great thought here. Look out Benny Goodman - I'm going to Swing, Swing, Swing with the Surfer Boy!
I'm tired of typing; so I am going to wrap this up. However, I just wanted to thank this entire community for all the nurturing and support you have given me over the years. What a lucky gal I am to have so many people grace my life with their Love. My heart profoundly thanks you all for your continued kindess, support, compassion, and truth.
Namaste' ~
Sammy
p.s. no time to edit so please 'cuze any typos! :p
