The Things I'd Rather Forget...

Heroin
1
Last night, I was lying in bed, taking one of my regular strolls through the dark and dusty archives of my mind. Us supposedly recovering addicts, we spend far too much time reminiscing through rose tinted goggles, coz despite our "clean" status, there's a big part of us that would just love to stick that needle in a mainer, just one more time. But last night, on my mental wanderings, I happened upon a stash of images, ones I'd rather forget. The horror movie, the snapshots of time that demonstrate just how sick our addiction made us. Me, plastered in blood, crying coz the hit I'd been trying to get in a vein for the past hour was so full of congealed blood that it had set solid. Me, puking in the gutter outside the Builders' Arms, my head going nuts coz the hit I so desperately needed was in my dealers pocket, inside the pub, but I was vomiting so much that I couldn't make it through the door. Me, screaming and crying coz I had just spent my last 20 on a wrap of drinking chocolate. Me, s***ting my knickers on Swansea station, waiting for my dealer. Rehab. That's a series of complete nightmares on its own. Me, lying in bed, shivering, sweating, tossing and turning, knowing that I ain't got no dosh, and the only person who'd lay onto me was off radar for the next 8 hours at least, Me, sitting in the car, shaking and puking so much that I spilt my gear on the floor before I'd beetled it on the foil.

The list goes on and on. These are the things I need to remember, not all the bulls*** I think I'm missing. All this said, I went to sleep with these images in my mind, and what did I dream of? That one last hit...

Addiction is a twat! Two years clean, and it's all still lurking just behind the curtain...

love

Diff xxx
2
Diff,

Not my usual forum but your topic reached out to me. Everything is relative but, in reading your post, I am reminded of just how much I have to be grateful for. Just yesterday, I was feeling sorry for myself and wrote a post in the pain pills forum where I kicked myself in the butt for whining about not feeling very good. In comparison to many on this site who are fighting the battle of addiction, my story is fluff...a big pink cloud of cotton candy as opposed to the boulders of burden some of you are carrying. I wish you the best in your recovery.

~Callie~
3
yea Diff: i have those days too. I remember all the crap the terrible things but, still sometimes "mentally" I'm looking for just one more!. It's insane every reasoning part of your mind tells you it's horrid to go back yet, one lil part still just don't CARE. I often go long periods not thinking about it at all but, then all at once scoring will take up days of my thoughts at a time. It is a real sickness.
4
no kiddin--my minds racin--i too easily forget the crap i put my body and soul through-it wasnt fun or entertaining--it was pure angst 100% of the day-even when i had a 100 dollars worth i knew it'd be gone the next day,i didnt get a break--i even started carrying 3 grams in my "female purse" because i knew that the thing i was doing everyday all day was gonna land me in jail at any moment-and i didnt care about the posession charge--id risk that jusyt to stay well--thats insanityman o man--the lives we lead when in need-thanks i needed that little blast from the not so far past
5
snap. every now-and again i say 2 myself " i've been so good not to relapse, i deserve a hit ." but it's the egzact opposite . the sooner i ( we ) actually understand that the better.
6
Thanks, Diff

Much needed post right this second. Every second.
7
Diff thanks so much for this post....though my DOC is coke I can so relate to so much of what you said. I never got puking sick but I remember so well the feeling in my bowels as I was getting my dope and going somewhere to stick a needle in my arm. Those are the times that we need to remember.

I also just realized that today is my 2 year clean anniversary...wow!
8
Sometimes I feel that heroin addiction and recovery is like a door within a door within a door etc. I close the door behind me, bolt it, lock it, silicone seal it, weld the damned thing shut forever. But then the door within the door starts to open just a crack, so I lock it, bolt it and so on. But it carries on. I think I know that I've had my final hit, and it's all behind me now, but there is a part of me that just ain't entirely sure. I still daydream about just having one last blast. I tell myself I won't bang it, I'll just smoke it on the foil, and it'll just be the once. I haven't done it. My everyday life looms too large. I don't know if I'd even find the time to go and get wasted! But it's a little scenario that plays in my head, quietly, in the background, on a loop, just going round and round. Maybe if I wasn't a mother, I'd have done it by now. I feel that motherhood has put my reckless streak on a leash, at least for now. And it's only now that matters. I'm glad that I've got to the point where I can see the drug for what it is. I don't feel envious of my past, which I used to. I felt really hard done by, coz I wanted that drug, and I was denying myself what I wanted most. But I know that I'm happier now than I was when I was using, and I don't miss my junkie friends one jot. Life is a lot more peaceful these days, which I'm grateful for. And I have self respect, and I've lost a lot of the anger I used to have. But I can't deny it. It still calls to me...

love

Diff xxx
9
One thing that makes me kinda curious is that my boyfriend was previously an addict and he never ever mentioned that he thought about having another hit....I remember him telling me that he would never touch it again and never looked back. I know he is back on it but do you think he was lying when he told me this?? You know because he is back on it now or do you think he was just in a moment of weakness and just thought f*ck it???

Bryn hopefully them thoughts will stay as bad thoughts...that you will remember them times as bad times and never look back because now you have done so well. Dont make present times those times when you will look back and kick yourself for being so stupid to have JUST ONE MORE.

xx
10
Bunny, there are days that I KNOW I will not pick up. But as an addict you must never say never....addiction is a sly beast that rears it's ugly head when you least expect it....I think we start to believe after a time that just one more won't hurt...and as they say, once is too many, a thousand never enough....

I have only been able to stay away from Coke because I don't see any of the people I used with, those are ties that I had to cut in order to get and stay clean...I spent 6 weeks in Rehab and another 4 months in an outpatient rehab...I refuse to talk to any of the people I drugged with....I lost all my dealers phone numbers and if someone did call I told them not to again, unless they wanted to be partly responsible for my death.

I hope that your bf sees the light once more and stops using before it leads to jails, institutions and death.