So I gotta b*t*h.
Just wanted to share how my therapy went the other day. I like it. Love the therapist chickie.
I lug over there to the appointment this book of photographs. It's my daughters. Granted almost every picture in it I took. I like to take photographs. Now I need a digi camera, but that's not the point. Well, after asking me for this and that and me giving it all to her. Even having me tear two rooms apart and dropping them in her door she never said jack s*it. No call of thanks. Nothiiiiiiin. I sent an e-mail and asked nicely if she had gotten them as some really important paperwork was in there. Nothing. I hit reply maybe three more times in the span of a month I guess. TFB for me I get no answer.
So, anyway then she asks for more stuff including these pictures. Guess what? I may a be a real b*tch, but you can't answer me I ain't bothering anymore. You get nothing or walk the heck around here and get it.
So, I thought I am just a freak. I am nuts. I'm an idiot. I'm of course crazy. I'm a lowlife, and trash. I'm a junkie. Oh and a piece of s*it. Self prophecy and all that. Because I looked in this picture album. In fact I had purchased it for her as it's really nice. I looked and it struck me. The number of pictures. The order of them and who is in them.
Oh I counted them. 74 photographs. So, yeah I thought I'm a loser doing that, but I did it. I counted. First picture is herself as a baby. Nexy her and her dad, and the next. The next is my dad. Just my dad alone in two pictures. Then mixed ones. Her and her cousins. MY grandmom and her. Quite a few of them.
ONE picture i am in. Granted I took them all. But yeah I got plenty of photographs with her and I in them. The one I am in is her, me, my mom and my grandmom. Maybe two more of her and my mom. ZILCH of either of my brothers. I mean zero and I have no exageration alot of them. Many, many.
So, I share this here becaue it bugged me. It hurt me. It made me mad. I kind of felt weird, but I told the therapist. I told her I know it's shallow. Guess what? It's NOT. She said if it bothered me why was that. Went through the process of why and how. The order of things too no matter what it is actually means something.
So, I was not nuts after all. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I am p*ssed as s*it. Tomorrow my kid graduates. I am not even a d*mn thought in her mind. Not on the list. Her grandmother is stuck on a couch. She don't even know because she ain't even talked to her.
Maybe I am a junkie. Maybe I was mean. Maybe I did steal. Maybe I did make rules she didn't like. Maybe I di give a flying f*ck she was getting in the car with FIVE strange guys.
How does this work? How? Seriously and not judging this person.
I have aneighbor turning tricks in her back yard, and in her house. Her boys see this. Charging caps of crack for people to use her house. her kids sometime locked out of their own house. They've been hungry. Nobody knows where they are at 12:00 at night running around the streets. Guess what? They love their mother. They treat her great. Only i am the piece of s(it.
F*ck me.
""""""So, I thought I am just a freak. I am nuts. I'm an idiot. I'm of course crazy. I'm a lowlife, and trash. I'm a junkie. Oh and a piece of s*it."""""
Bryn no your not!! you're one of a kind, you're one of the good people, don't you forget that. Peace and positive vibes, Kev
Dear Bryn,
I've been thinking this for a while so I might as well say it.
Ms Tres says that you are beautiful. Often when a mom is more beautiful than the daughter and maybe even has a better figure than the daughter, the daughter resents or doesn't like the mother and often doesn't even realize why. THEY are supposed to be the beautiful ones. THEY are supposed to be the ones with the great figures. They blame the mom and not themselves for the situation. They are angry the mom steals the attention of the males in the room. Just a thought.
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Tomorrow will be a very difficult day for you. I will most definitely be praying for you. I'm so proud that you've stayed strong against your addiction through all of your pain. I almost thought when you started to say about a picture of you being in the photo album, that you were going to say it was a bad picture of you (we all have them...some more than others). It is sad after all you said your brothers have done for her that she didn't even put one picture of either of those in it either.
All I can say is take one minute at a time, one hour at a time, and before you know it this day will be behind you. This too shall pass. I'm so sorry, Bryn.
Love,
Susan
I've been thinking this for a while so I might as well say it.
Ms Tres says that you are beautiful. Often when a mom is more beautiful than the daughter and maybe even has a better figure than the daughter, the daughter resents or doesn't like the mother and often doesn't even realize why. THEY are supposed to be the beautiful ones. THEY are supposed to be the ones with the great figures. They blame the mom and not themselves for the situation. They are angry the mom steals the attention of the males in the room. Just a thought.
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Tomorrow will be a very difficult day for you. I will most definitely be praying for you. I'm so proud that you've stayed strong against your addiction through all of your pain. I almost thought when you started to say about a picture of you being in the photo album, that you were going to say it was a bad picture of you (we all have them...some more than others). It is sad after all you said your brothers have done for her that she didn't even put one picture of either of those in it either.
All I can say is take one minute at a time, one hour at a time, and before you know it this day will be behind you. This too shall pass. I'm so sorry, Bryn.
Love,
Susan
Bryn,
Something that has been on my mind for a long time now, and yell at me if I am out of line. In your gut do you think something bad could have happened to your daughter, like somebody touching her inappropriately or worse? Maybe something that she feels you should have protected her from, something that could have happened when you were using, and now her anger over that is misdirected and she is blaming you? There is something there Bryn, something deep, something is hurting inside that girl and shes not mature enough to deal with it in a healthy way, and her only way of dealing with it is to lash out. It bothers me that she wont talk, if she would only say what it is that is feeding her anger. Its like if she doesnt talk about it, it makes it not real.
Something that has been on my mind for a long time now, and yell at me if I am out of line. In your gut do you think something bad could have happened to your daughter, like somebody touching her inappropriately or worse? Maybe something that she feels you should have protected her from, something that could have happened when you were using, and now her anger over that is misdirected and she is blaming you? There is something there Bryn, something deep, something is hurting inside that girl and shes not mature enough to deal with it in a healthy way, and her only way of dealing with it is to lash out. It bothers me that she wont talk, if she would only say what it is that is feeding her anger. Its like if she doesnt talk about it, it makes it not real.
Yeah it's like here we go again......my bad.....I've been actually doing pretty good up until this evening.....don't know what I thought would happen.
That's sweet of you, Kev. Thank you.
Susan, by other people's pretty-dar I used to be really pretty......supossedly anyway.....yeah I kind of got told that growing up......my mom however is a natural beauty........she was like stunning beautiful......and far prettier than me, and cool besides.....people would just gush over my mom......and all my friends thought she was just like the best......the cool mom......none of that ever bothered me......ever......my daughter on the other hand......Tres would vouch for this......she's way prettier than me.......she got my kick arse smile, but she got loooooooong, beautiful dark hair, and beautiful skin.......I dressed her up every single day and people would stop us......call her a little Shirley Temple.
So, she got plenty of attention that way.......so I understand your post, Susan, and it was good thinking, but no.......it wouldn't be that....I kinda gave up getting myself good things once she came along......I had my time, ya know?
Cynical One, that crossed my mind a bajillion times.........after what happened to me I would never say never, but I don't believe so........if anything the way I treated her because of what happened to me.......now that has alot to do with it for sure.......I was fiercely protective........my ex husband said it's all my fault she has no street smarts because I smothered her.......I never let her run around by herself.......I didn't take my eyes off her........I NEVER let anyone babysit her.........that would include her other grandparents........I very much doubt her other grandpop would hurt her or any other child, but he was big on giving the girls baths........it's completely innocent I am sure, but that's ALL he did........never watched the kids a day in their lives, and then bath time he gave the baths.........I am sorry but I guess going by my own dad.....he did it all as far as the kids.........except change diapers and give baths.........I don't know it freaked me out some.
Yeah, I mean my mom is the person let me go somewhere where I got raped....I never blamed her for a second........I taught my daughter from as long as she could understand that NOBODY is permitted to make her feel uncomfrortable........the whole drill about boundaries and all...........not having to always obey adults........not if they wanted her to do something she wasn't comfortable with.
I don't know........my dad dying in front of us like that........I think that had the biggest impact.........I took her to counseling, therapy, a psychologist.
I know her dad has told her I kept her away from him........I didn't trust him because I was places with them........he'd let her walk off........in stores, and the mall...........I'd think well good now I can look at this book here......next thing I knew I'd say "Where is she?".........he'd stop whatever he was engrossed in and go "Right here"............NO she isn't right here............and this is when she was little.
One time and I almost fell out........they were playing with a super ball.....this is in my house........I had a big pot of water boiling for schetties.......the ball went in the kitchen and under the stove.......I come in and my daughter is laying UNDER the pot, and looking up as her little hand went under the stove feeling for the ball...........kinda of like he didn't have no da*n sense..
She's definately, definately got a lot bothering her........she loved the therapist she went to.........he really helped her........last I asked her if she went back like she said she would she says "No, I am too busy and besides it's none of your business"............she's always p*ss*d alot of people off.........she's opinionated, and condescending........she's sort of pushy.........I mean as far as relationships goes........then when someone just makes other plans well she either tells them off or plays a big victim.........I don't know.
I don't know anything and it makes me sick...........I just got to come to terms with it........no she won't talk.........she does that to other people too.....like I called ya on it and you don't respond like I want......well I'm done with you.
Well, thank you guys.........I appreciate it..........no matter what too my brothers have been nothing but good to her........and she has never been with them alone.........we were always together.........my family friends........if anything she would have told the one chick whatever bothered her..........and now she totally ignores her..........all she'd tell her is I am a b*t*ch.........I won't let her do what she wants..........blaming me for whatever........whatever went wrong for her that day........she'd tell her it was all my fault.......sad is this person they did everything for her and with her.........but once she'd start talking bad about me she'd say "Oh no, son. Now that's just wrong. I seen your mom raise you".
That's that. Sad, sad, sad.
That's sweet of you, Kev. Thank you.
Susan, by other people's pretty-dar I used to be really pretty......supossedly anyway.....yeah I kind of got told that growing up......my mom however is a natural beauty........she was like stunning beautiful......and far prettier than me, and cool besides.....people would just gush over my mom......and all my friends thought she was just like the best......the cool mom......none of that ever bothered me......ever......my daughter on the other hand......Tres would vouch for this......she's way prettier than me.......she got my kick arse smile, but she got loooooooong, beautiful dark hair, and beautiful skin.......I dressed her up every single day and people would stop us......call her a little Shirley Temple.
So, she got plenty of attention that way.......so I understand your post, Susan, and it was good thinking, but no.......it wouldn't be that....I kinda gave up getting myself good things once she came along......I had my time, ya know?
Cynical One, that crossed my mind a bajillion times.........after what happened to me I would never say never, but I don't believe so........if anything the way I treated her because of what happened to me.......now that has alot to do with it for sure.......I was fiercely protective........my ex husband said it's all my fault she has no street smarts because I smothered her.......I never let her run around by herself.......I didn't take my eyes off her........I NEVER let anyone babysit her.........that would include her other grandparents........I very much doubt her other grandpop would hurt her or any other child, but he was big on giving the girls baths........it's completely innocent I am sure, but that's ALL he did........never watched the kids a day in their lives, and then bath time he gave the baths.........I am sorry but I guess going by my own dad.....he did it all as far as the kids.........except change diapers and give baths.........I don't know it freaked me out some.
Yeah, I mean my mom is the person let me go somewhere where I got raped....I never blamed her for a second........I taught my daughter from as long as she could understand that NOBODY is permitted to make her feel uncomfrortable........the whole drill about boundaries and all...........not having to always obey adults........not if they wanted her to do something she wasn't comfortable with.
I don't know........my dad dying in front of us like that........I think that had the biggest impact.........I took her to counseling, therapy, a psychologist.
I know her dad has told her I kept her away from him........I didn't trust him because I was places with them........he'd let her walk off........in stores, and the mall...........I'd think well good now I can look at this book here......next thing I knew I'd say "Where is she?".........he'd stop whatever he was engrossed in and go "Right here"............NO she isn't right here............and this is when she was little.
One time and I almost fell out........they were playing with a super ball.....this is in my house........I had a big pot of water boiling for schetties.......the ball went in the kitchen and under the stove.......I come in and my daughter is laying UNDER the pot, and looking up as her little hand went under the stove feeling for the ball...........kinda of like he didn't have no da*n sense..
She's definately, definately got a lot bothering her........she loved the therapist she went to.........he really helped her........last I asked her if she went back like she said she would she says "No, I am too busy and besides it's none of your business"............she's always p*ss*d alot of people off.........she's opinionated, and condescending........she's sort of pushy.........I mean as far as relationships goes........then when someone just makes other plans well she either tells them off or plays a big victim.........I don't know.
I don't know anything and it makes me sick...........I just got to come to terms with it........no she won't talk.........she does that to other people too.....like I called ya on it and you don't respond like I want......well I'm done with you.
Well, thank you guys.........I appreciate it..........no matter what too my brothers have been nothing but good to her........and she has never been with them alone.........we were always together.........my family friends........if anything she would have told the one chick whatever bothered her..........and now she totally ignores her..........all she'd tell her is I am a b*t*ch.........I won't let her do what she wants..........blaming me for whatever........whatever went wrong for her that day........she'd tell her it was all my fault.......sad is this person they did everything for her and with her.........but once she'd start talking bad about me she'd say "Oh no, son. Now that's just wrong. I seen your mom raise you".
That's that. Sad, sad, sad.
bryn,
i dont know what to say that hasnt been said by others, all i know is that whatever you feel you were in the past you are using your experience to help others now and you have already helped me with your words. I wish your daughter knew that. hope you get thru this difficult times xx baz
i dont know what to say that hasnt been said by others, all i know is that whatever you feel you were in the past you are using your experience to help others now and you have already helped me with your words. I wish your daughter knew that. hope you get thru this difficult times xx baz
I'm stilling holding out that you got to go to the graduation after all....yeah...I know me and my magical thinking....,but it would be so cool....miracle...
take care,
pinkpowerranger
take care,
pinkpowerranger
WOW Bryn,
You know, there's really not much I can say that hasn't already been said by every other wise person on here. She sounds to me like a typical teenager just being plain rebellious. YES her Mother had a serious problem. But her Mother corrected that problem. Does she not see that? I give you all the props in the WORLD for beating dope!! There is nothing stronger than that. You did what alot of people dream of doing, but never do. Including my boyfriend.
I can speak from experience when I tell you this. I was a total, out of control, nasty b**** of a teenager and I treated my Mom like crap. She was a single Mom who worked SO MUCH to keep me fed and a roof over my head. Even though she was an awesome provider, I can't remember her ever reading me a bedtime story or even being around when I went to bed. Two jobs, day and night. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We ALL make mistakes. Some bigger than others, but at least you and so many others have worked hard to correct those mistakes. YOU STOP beating yourself up over your addiction!!! That is the past. And hopefully will stay in the past for the rest of your life. Someday your daughter is going to feel very bad for treating you this way. I live in guilt EVERY DAY for the way I treated my MOM as a teen. She is gone now, and I can never get back those days and nights that I treated her s***ty. Therapy has helped me to cope because during my b****-fest I found out that my Mom had cancer. I got slapped in the face with reality and then tried to be a nice daughter. Guess what? too late.
Just keep being the warm and open person you are. She will come around on her own. She's too young to realize that her Mom is an awesome human being and she should thank her lucky stars that your not WEAK and you beat the biggest battle ever. Heroin. If you were in front of me I could just hug you becasue you make me beleive that there is HOPE for those who really want to stop using. I didn't have that hope until I started reading this message board.
Much Love,
D
You know, there's really not much I can say that hasn't already been said by every other wise person on here. She sounds to me like a typical teenager just being plain rebellious. YES her Mother had a serious problem. But her Mother corrected that problem. Does she not see that? I give you all the props in the WORLD for beating dope!! There is nothing stronger than that. You did what alot of people dream of doing, but never do. Including my boyfriend.
I can speak from experience when I tell you this. I was a total, out of control, nasty b**** of a teenager and I treated my Mom like crap. She was a single Mom who worked SO MUCH to keep me fed and a roof over my head. Even though she was an awesome provider, I can't remember her ever reading me a bedtime story or even being around when I went to bed. Two jobs, day and night. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We ALL make mistakes. Some bigger than others, but at least you and so many others have worked hard to correct those mistakes. YOU STOP beating yourself up over your addiction!!! That is the past. And hopefully will stay in the past for the rest of your life. Someday your daughter is going to feel very bad for treating you this way. I live in guilt EVERY DAY for the way I treated my MOM as a teen. She is gone now, and I can never get back those days and nights that I treated her s***ty. Therapy has helped me to cope because during my b****-fest I found out that my Mom had cancer. I got slapped in the face with reality and then tried to be a nice daughter. Guess what? too late.
Just keep being the warm and open person you are. She will come around on her own. She's too young to realize that her Mom is an awesome human being and she should thank her lucky stars that your not WEAK and you beat the biggest battle ever. Heroin. If you were in front of me I could just hug you becasue you make me beleive that there is HOPE for those who really want to stop using. I didn't have that hope until I started reading this message board.
Much Love,
D
