Hi everyone,
For all of you struggling with an addict partner who is undergoing treatment... I know the feeling. Let me just say that although drugs do affect a person's life and his or her loved ones, keep in mind that there is hope. If a person with addiction really wants to change, they will fight for success! Although there are many obstacles to overcome for both of you, keep in mind that if you truly love that person... you will see the "good" in them over the "bad" and you will be there when they need you.
I've learned so much on here and have become a stronger person by sharing my story and listening to all of yours. If you want to be able to help your partner... I strongly recommend watching the video on Relapse Prevention under the "Beyond Recovery" tab. Learn about relapse!!! Read books! It helps to understand what they are going through. I've used the tools I've learned on here to support my girlfriend and help her prevent from relapsing a couple of times now and trust me... "IT WORKS!" Just don't let them get too confident and always keep your guard up. It's the only way to make work.
You don't have to trust that person 100%. Who does in any relationship? Don't put them on a leash... How would you feel if you always had an eye over your shoulder watching you like a hawk? It just makes the situation worst. Let them decide what they want! Just stand back and let nature take its course. Don't try to fix a person! If you're there when they need you and put a little bit of trust in them, they will see it, they will feel it, they will eventually realize that you do trust them and that they are not alone. That will encourage them into making the right decisions not only for themselves but for you as well. Being in a relationship is one thing but being in one with an addict is another. Same principles... just different approach. Help them by being there and not giving up on them and they will eventually start helping you by making the right choices for themselves.
If he or she really loves you... They will change! An addict will always be an addict but one that can control his addiction is a keeper! I now look up to those people (who want to change) for what they do because it is definitely not easy living in a dual personality world. "Sober vs. Buzzed" it is how they will live for the rest of their lives. Put yourself in their shoes for second... One bad choice in life has and will cost them everything! They now live hopeless, depressed and all they want is out! Give them Hope! Don't give up on your loved ones! BE STRONG!!!
It's a great concept, but not always true unfortunately. Sometimes you have to make a very painful decision and let go and walk away. When someone's addiction infects you that your happiness is no longer in your control, you need to prioritize you and nothing else.
Things could be going well but still you don't wake up and are happy with your life, you need a change. If the disease has got a hold you so tight, you HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You're fooling yourself if you think you can love and support the (recovering) addict in your life before you love yourself. Even if you think it's working, it probably won't last. Addiction lasts a lifetime, right? Letting go of someone you love because your mental health is suffering is one of the hardest things for the co-dependent to do. Whole new meaning of heartache and pain for me at least. It's just not fair.......
Things could be going well but still you don't wake up and are happy with your life, you need a change. If the disease has got a hold you so tight, you HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You're fooling yourself if you think you can love and support the (recovering) addict in your life before you love yourself. Even if you think it's working, it probably won't last. Addiction lasts a lifetime, right? Letting go of someone you love because your mental health is suffering is one of the hardest things for the co-dependent to do. Whole new meaning of heartache and pain for me at least. It's just not fair.......
Fiddler: I am an addict and have also been in love with addicts....beginning with my Mother. I am ABSOLUTELY floored that you stated IF HE OR SHE REALLY LOVES YOU THEY WILL QUIT.
Do you really think my Mother didnt love her kids? She did. She didnt quit.
Do you really think my husband didnt love his kids? He does. He didnt quit.
Do you really think I dont love MY kids. I do. I didnt quit.
If all the addicts in the world COULD quit for someone they loved...THERE WOULDNT BE ANY!
Im am very shocked by your lack of knowledge concerning your loved ones addiction. Im am afraid you are in for a rude awakening.
Do you really think my Mother didnt love her kids? She did. She didnt quit.
Do you really think my husband didnt love his kids? He does. He didnt quit.
Do you really think I dont love MY kids. I do. I didnt quit.
If all the addicts in the world COULD quit for someone they loved...THERE WOULDNT BE ANY!
Im am very shocked by your lack of knowledge concerning your loved ones addiction. Im am afraid you are in for a rude awakening.
Posted: April 14, 2015, 3:58 AM
Posts: 3
Joined: April 14, 2015
Hi al I am new to this but realy struggling. I am 23 and was with sum1 with a drink problem for 7 years we have a 5 year old together. He went into rehab in may and came out the end of august. The whole time he was there he talked about a better life with me and how much he loved me. He told me this everyday rite up to the day he came home. Then within the 1st week he came home he broke up with me an said he didnt love me I realy didn see it coming because I believed he loved me an wanted a life with me. He gave me no other explanation or answers and I still have none. He is in recovery and. On his 12 step programme an told me he might have answers when its over. He tells me he wil make amends when were both ready but I know that doesnt mean get bak together as he recently told me he is seeing an older woman goin through the same thing. How is this good for him this woman has kids of her own why would he want to jump into something like that instead of trying to make things work with me and his daughter. I need help understanding all this.
beingme:
I totally understand and yes unfortunately not always true for everyone. I apologize for generalizing it... My intentions with this post were to try and give the co-dependent hope and positivity instead of always putting themselves down as I have. It is very important to stay strong and not let the addict control us. For some... yes it might mean leaving your loved one but "not always the case". I know A LOT of people who have made it work and they have been together for over 20 years. The key is for both to stay strong and "stick to their guns". My mental health has suffered at times and I agree I have to concentrate on me before her.
BTDT:
I am sorry if I may have offended you but as a co-dependent... I have been hurt. I am very aware of my loved ones addiction... you can slap me in the face all you want but co-dependents can be stronger than you think. It is a "right" or "wrong" choice for us as well. You have no control over your addiction and/or your loved one and that is the truth. Yes I understand it is very difficult for a person to quit for others that they love because the ultimate goal is for them to quit for themselves. For some... it just takes motivation! My girlfriend needed a kick in the bum and she has told me this many times. Having me supporting her and giving her an option is mainly "a reason" for her to want to do it for herself. She has even admitted it! It is working for us... may not work for everyone because every individual is different.
There is always 2 ways a relationship can go... it just takes a lot of effort from both ends to make it work. I'm not ready to give up just yet, I can handle more. It is why I am living one day at a time and so is she by attending meetings, talking, getting informed, listening, doing her morning lectures and living clean! She is doing it for herself and call me stubborn but I am staying by her side because I care.
I totally understand and yes unfortunately not always true for everyone. I apologize for generalizing it... My intentions with this post were to try and give the co-dependent hope and positivity instead of always putting themselves down as I have. It is very important to stay strong and not let the addict control us. For some... yes it might mean leaving your loved one but "not always the case". I know A LOT of people who have made it work and they have been together for over 20 years. The key is for both to stay strong and "stick to their guns". My mental health has suffered at times and I agree I have to concentrate on me before her.
BTDT:
I am sorry if I may have offended you but as a co-dependent... I have been hurt. I am very aware of my loved ones addiction... you can slap me in the face all you want but co-dependents can be stronger than you think. It is a "right" or "wrong" choice for us as well. You have no control over your addiction and/or your loved one and that is the truth. Yes I understand it is very difficult for a person to quit for others that they love because the ultimate goal is for them to quit for themselves. For some... it just takes motivation! My girlfriend needed a kick in the bum and she has told me this many times. Having me supporting her and giving her an option is mainly "a reason" for her to want to do it for herself. She has even admitted it! It is working for us... may not work for everyone because every individual is different.
There is always 2 ways a relationship can go... it just takes a lot of effort from both ends to make it work. I'm not ready to give up just yet, I can handle more. It is why I am living one day at a time and so is she by attending meetings, talking, getting informed, listening, doing her morning lectures and living clean! She is doing it for herself and call me stubborn but I am staying by her side because I care.
Fiddler:
Your response to my post confused me...Talking about being hurt...theres two ways a relationship can go..
None of this made sense to me as far as what I was taking offense to..so I started wondering how old you are, how long shes been sober, how long you guys have been in this struggle together? I looked back at some old posts of yours and the it looks like your girlfriend was STILL in treatment LESS than 30 days ago.
There are RED FLAGS all over your posts...mostly that yes, you are definitely co-dependent.
Of course she feels this is the LAST time she will have to go through treatment. We ALL do.
Shes blaming her past relapses on her environment? She cant say no to drugs when they are in front of her? RULE NUMBER ONE IN TREATMENT: Change your people, places, and things. She should have got that right out of the gate on treatment number one. Then you posted that right after she got out of treatment she his going to her mothers house where she was basically raised into drugs??!!
She should have known better from her past relapses AND treatments because this is her pattern.. Even if her judgement was clouded enough to make this trip, she should have had a sponsor or at the VERY LEAST a mentor (which is NOT you) before they even released her from treatment. Their advice would have been NO WAY! I would bet my bottom dollar if she DIDNT use while there...she subconsciously set her self up to. I mean is her mother on her death bed? Shes NEVER going to have another chance to see her...like EVER again? Like maybe when she has some sobriety under her belt or you are there to babysit her? Come on..this is not ROCKET SCIENCE!
You are stating shes done every drug under the sun EXCEPT for heroin. Shes never injected. First of all, you know this how? Oh wait let me guess...because thats what SHE told you. Second of all why does this matter so much to you? Shes a drug addict plain and simple and her chances of staying sober arent going to be ANY different because she HASNT done heroin.
How do I know all this? Because Im a 49 yr old who was raised by an addict, has loved an addict and who now has been fighting a crack addiction since the love of my life and the father of my children first brought it home 15 YEARS AGO!
I have been to treatment 4 times and been to more meetings than years youve been alive. I have read ALL the books, done ALL the steps more than once and basically spent my WHOLE LIFE trying to "figure out" WHY my mother drank herself to death? WHY did my ex go through 14 treatments and hes STILL not gotten it? WHY cant I stop doing what Im doing when I dont really want to do it?
Im offended as hell by your ignorant statement: IF HE OR SHE REALLY LOVES YOU THEY WILL CHANGE. Your basically saying that addicts dont REALLY love someone.....if they are using.Do you have any idea how that may sound do a parent who is in the process of OR God forbid has already lost a beloved son or daughter to drug use? Do you really want to tell them that their kids obviously didnt love them enough..or they would have quit? Are you really going to tell me that my mother didnt love me? That my ex didnt love his kids?
Call you stubborn because you are staying by her side because you care? The rest of us who loved addicts didnt? Wow...youve got a whole 30 days in "sticking by her side. Try 49 years of her relapsing, lying, cheating and stealing.
Im glad you are still blissfully riding on your girlfriends "pink cloud" of new recovery(look it up) but before you start giving other people advice you really need to get your own s*** together.As they say In AA when you are new in recovery....sit down, shut up, and listen.
Your response to my post confused me...Talking about being hurt...theres two ways a relationship can go..
None of this made sense to me as far as what I was taking offense to..so I started wondering how old you are, how long shes been sober, how long you guys have been in this struggle together? I looked back at some old posts of yours and the it looks like your girlfriend was STILL in treatment LESS than 30 days ago.
There are RED FLAGS all over your posts...mostly that yes, you are definitely co-dependent.
Of course she feels this is the LAST time she will have to go through treatment. We ALL do.
Shes blaming her past relapses on her environment? She cant say no to drugs when they are in front of her? RULE NUMBER ONE IN TREATMENT: Change your people, places, and things. She should have got that right out of the gate on treatment number one. Then you posted that right after she got out of treatment she his going to her mothers house where she was basically raised into drugs??!!
She should have known better from her past relapses AND treatments because this is her pattern.. Even if her judgement was clouded enough to make this trip, she should have had a sponsor or at the VERY LEAST a mentor (which is NOT you) before they even released her from treatment. Their advice would have been NO WAY! I would bet my bottom dollar if she DIDNT use while there...she subconsciously set her self up to. I mean is her mother on her death bed? Shes NEVER going to have another chance to see her...like EVER again? Like maybe when she has some sobriety under her belt or you are there to babysit her? Come on..this is not ROCKET SCIENCE!
You are stating shes done every drug under the sun EXCEPT for heroin. Shes never injected. First of all, you know this how? Oh wait let me guess...because thats what SHE told you. Second of all why does this matter so much to you? Shes a drug addict plain and simple and her chances of staying sober arent going to be ANY different because she HASNT done heroin.
How do I know all this? Because Im a 49 yr old who was raised by an addict, has loved an addict and who now has been fighting a crack addiction since the love of my life and the father of my children first brought it home 15 YEARS AGO!
I have been to treatment 4 times and been to more meetings than years youve been alive. I have read ALL the books, done ALL the steps more than once and basically spent my WHOLE LIFE trying to "figure out" WHY my mother drank herself to death? WHY did my ex go through 14 treatments and hes STILL not gotten it? WHY cant I stop doing what Im doing when I dont really want to do it?
Im offended as hell by your ignorant statement: IF HE OR SHE REALLY LOVES YOU THEY WILL CHANGE. Your basically saying that addicts dont REALLY love someone.....if they are using.Do you have any idea how that may sound do a parent who is in the process of OR God forbid has already lost a beloved son or daughter to drug use? Do you really want to tell them that their kids obviously didnt love them enough..or they would have quit? Are you really going to tell me that my mother didnt love me? That my ex didnt love his kids?
Call you stubborn because you are staying by her side because you care? The rest of us who loved addicts didnt? Wow...youve got a whole 30 days in "sticking by her side. Try 49 years of her relapsing, lying, cheating and stealing.
Im glad you are still blissfully riding on your girlfriends "pink cloud" of new recovery(look it up) but before you start giving other people advice you really need to get your own s*** together.As they say In AA when you are new in recovery....sit down, shut up, and listen.
