Right well..Kevin decided for the first time on his own that he was going to try getting off the gear again. No nagging from me, no questions, NOTHING! Just him, his idea, he said he wanted to. Its the first time that he has made the suggestion, which I find very strange as we are miving house in the next few days so I though he would use it as an excuse to use till we got moved in. Anyhow he had some last night, there was about 2 lines left this morning which he had about 7:00am and has had nothing except valium since. Apparently he is leaving it 24 hours before taking his subutex, and I cant wait till tomorrow morning. It is 1am here now and he is tossing and turning and he has had that many valium that he doesnt no what he is doing or saying. It worries me when he is like this. Atleast he seems to sleep ok when on the subbies.
Its driving me crazy cos he is in and out of the bedroom so I am not going to get any sleep tonight. Was reading my book and thought I would come on here and get it off my chest.
He is lying on the floor right now, he is very restless but seems to be ok...he hasnt mentioned getting anything. I aint gonna build my hopes up like I have before...this time if he does it he does it if he doesnt then better luck next time....dont give up giving up. I have a much more relaxed approach towards him now because I know that nothing I do or say will change him or persuade him to do anything he doesnt want. All I am going to do is be here for him and encourage him and help him where I can.
Anyway am gonna get my book and chill cos I aint gonna get any sleep. Wish me luck cos I aint looking forward to the rest of the night!!
Will keep ya all posted xx
Any advise would be appreciated too xx
He baby cakes............sorry I was on here too but on the other part of the board.
Yeah, yeah good luck with sleeping..........s*cks so bad don't it......sorry Bunny!
Well, he's in it now........and hopefully ain't gonna go score at this time of night...........he decided this so I'm apt to think he's gonna do this thing.
BR, he may have picked now on his own because he wants a new start........in the new house.............new place/new life/no dope.............that V's they just take off the edge if anything...............so yeah he's gonna be restless like you already know that...........up, down, up down.............ya can't sleep and neither can nobody else............advice is say NOTHING...........nada..........unless he asls ya to.
Why?
Because you can't say anything right while that's going on.........Bunny, if ya say "You're doing great, and I am proud"............BANG..........reason to go cop.
Why? Because you got nary a clue, and can't in your worse dreams imagine that feeling.........that's how we think...........just go about your own business......if possible.................and on the floor is a good place......sometimes kicking it is way better than a bed..........don't suggest food, water or nuttin............period........cause you'll suffer the consequences of one mean, addict who is kicking.
You know I care, babes..............hope it helped a little.
Yeah, yeah good luck with sleeping..........s*cks so bad don't it......sorry Bunny!
Well, he's in it now........and hopefully ain't gonna go score at this time of night...........he decided this so I'm apt to think he's gonna do this thing.
BR, he may have picked now on his own because he wants a new start........in the new house.............new place/new life/no dope.............that V's they just take off the edge if anything...............so yeah he's gonna be restless like you already know that...........up, down, up down.............ya can't sleep and neither can nobody else............advice is say NOTHING...........nada..........unless he asls ya to.
Why?
Because you can't say anything right while that's going on.........Bunny, if ya say "You're doing great, and I am proud"............BANG..........reason to go cop.
Why? Because you got nary a clue, and can't in your worse dreams imagine that feeling.........that's how we think...........just go about your own business......if possible.................and on the floor is a good place......sometimes kicking it is way better than a bed..........don't suggest food, water or nuttin............period........cause you'll suffer the consequences of one mean, addict who is kicking.
You know I care, babes..............hope it helped a little.
Thanks Bryn, he did have his rough times, he tried calling to get some gear just after I posted on here but thank god he couldnt get any. He tossed and turned and tossed and turned some more but he got through it without any gear. He even turned his phone off himself yesterday when I was out and it was still of when I got hom so he is really doing this for himself aint he? I mean a guy called to ask him to go score for him, he said no and switched off. Thats a good sign in itself. I ran him a bath at approx 3:30am, he fel asleep in the bath for about an hour, came in living room where I was and slept on the floor for a while. I think he eventually did get some sleep at about 5:00am this morning, after falling out of the bed god knows how many times...lol. Anyway its not 10:47am and still nothing. He has done more than 24 hours without and am so dam proud but I aint saying anything to him. If he asks for food I give him food.
Hey one thing that made me curious is...well when you cold turkey you dont eat much do ya?? Well twice when he has took them v's he has gone on a binge eat. Chocolate, sweets, ice cream etc and thats what he seemed to do allot of last night, I mean he didnt even seem to realise what he was doing half the time. He was moving around so much that he headbutted me twice unintentionally.
I know this aint about me but god its tough and he has said if he dont do it this time then he is going to try getting himself into a clinic cos he cant keep putting me through this. I mean it would be easier did I not have the baby but when I aint getting any sleep then am up first thing with her, its just so draining not to mention what he must be going through. I feel selfish cos I moan am tired but god what must he be going through???
One nad sign is I think he is putting of taking his subby...last time he left it as long as poss and he was ok, dont know if he is doing the same again or is scared to take them cos he knows once you took them, you cant have owt else? Well it dont work anyway.
Ok gonna get off now and start tidying thisplace up, crumbs, paper and allsorts all over from him...lol.
Speak soon. x
Hey one thing that made me curious is...well when you cold turkey you dont eat much do ya?? Well twice when he has took them v's he has gone on a binge eat. Chocolate, sweets, ice cream etc and thats what he seemed to do allot of last night, I mean he didnt even seem to realise what he was doing half the time. He was moving around so much that he headbutted me twice unintentionally.
I know this aint about me but god its tough and he has said if he dont do it this time then he is going to try getting himself into a clinic cos he cant keep putting me through this. I mean it would be easier did I not have the baby but when I aint getting any sleep then am up first thing with her, its just so draining not to mention what he must be going through. I feel selfish cos I moan am tired but god what must he be going through???
One nad sign is I think he is putting of taking his subby...last time he left it as long as poss and he was ok, dont know if he is doing the same again or is scared to take them cos he knows once you took them, you cant have owt else? Well it dont work anyway.
Ok gonna get off now and start tidying thisplace up, crumbs, paper and allsorts all over from him...lol.
Speak soon. x
1:05pm STILL NOTHING. I have had to get my Dad to pick little one up and give us both time to relax. I am so on edge when she is around because she is playing up lately and being a little naughty. I want to make this as easy for him as I can but then when my daughter comes into it, she comes first and as long as she is safe and happy.
This is sooo hard....I feel like telling him go get some gear and just leave us alone because I am waiting for him to blow cos he is always like a ticking clock when it comes to the RATTLE. He refuses to take his subutex and anti d's and is only taking v's which are spacing him out. To top it off its my little bros birthday and I had totally forgot. He is only 7 and my Dad is having a tea party so when I asked him to have my daughter he asked what time I am going tonight. I cant face it, but I think I am making the same mistake as before concentrating on him too much again and becoming obsessed with himm getting clean. Tomorrow I am going tohave to go out and seclude myself again, and leave it to him whatever he decided to do.
xx
This is sooo hard....I feel like telling him go get some gear and just leave us alone because I am waiting for him to blow cos he is always like a ticking clock when it comes to the RATTLE. He refuses to take his subutex and anti d's and is only taking v's which are spacing him out. To top it off its my little bros birthday and I had totally forgot. He is only 7 and my Dad is having a tea party so when I asked him to have my daughter he asked what time I am going tonight. I cant face it, but I think I am making the same mistake as before concentrating on him too much again and becoming obsessed with himm getting clean. Tomorrow I am going tohave to go out and seclude myself again, and leave it to him whatever he decided to do.
xx
just wanted to say good luck. I've got No advice on this one.
Thanks Zero....were gonna need it, he is for getting through this and I am for coping with him...lol. Its so tough, and I cant even begin to imagine what he is going through. He has finally took his subutex and is slowly but surely getting through the day. I am going up to my Dads at tea time so he will be left to his own devices. We have been this far before and even when he has had his subutex he has still used and says it makes him feel a little better...all in his head if you ask me because I have been assured that it does nothing smoking heroin when on subutex as it as an opiate blocker?? Not sure how true it is but a few people have said the same???
Anyway fingers crossed...but av got to keep thinking if he does he does and if he dont..tough better luck next time in a clinic!!
xxx
Anyway fingers crossed...but av got to keep thinking if he does he does and if he dont..tough better luck next time in a clinic!!
xxx
BR, I wanna say just like Zero Girl, BUT..........................BUT!
Can't swear to it and I ain't there and I ain't him and V's or any benzodiazapan for that matter was never my thing.........even kicking I used to refuse them.
EATING sweets..............and sleeping...........I never knew anybody slept or ate like that kicking..........benzo's or not..........benzo's galore.........and if ya did all the benzo's............and scored somehow...........or had a stash.....like if his last two lines were 7:00AM................and again just my experience of being with other people did Klonopin or V's or librium or any of them benzo's.......they didn't eat period save maybe a little pudding or jello.......but not wolfing it down.
Heroin yeah, yeah, and more yeah........every sweet in sight.
I'm so, so hoping he gets through this and you'll know if he used if he don't take his subbies, and I really hope he does......cause he chose this for himself.
GO to that teaparty.............GO..............I mean if ya want to because weather you are home or not home..........he's gonna do what he wants........if you can manage to pull yourself together for your little bro.........and sounds like your dad wants ya to really bad............GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bring baby girl and GO!
Not a thing ya can do for him Bunny you know that.......tell him ya love him and support him, BUT..........it's all on him.
Can't swear to it and I ain't there and I ain't him and V's or any benzodiazapan for that matter was never my thing.........even kicking I used to refuse them.
EATING sweets..............and sleeping...........I never knew anybody slept or ate like that kicking..........benzo's or not..........benzo's galore.........and if ya did all the benzo's............and scored somehow...........or had a stash.....like if his last two lines were 7:00AM................and again just my experience of being with other people did Klonopin or V's or librium or any of them benzo's.......they didn't eat period save maybe a little pudding or jello.......but not wolfing it down.
Heroin yeah, yeah, and more yeah........every sweet in sight.
I'm so, so hoping he gets through this and you'll know if he used if he don't take his subbies, and I really hope he does......cause he chose this for himself.
GO to that teaparty.............GO..............I mean if ya want to because weather you are home or not home..........he's gonna do what he wants........if you can manage to pull yourself together for your little bro.........and sounds like your dad wants ya to really bad............GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bring baby girl and GO!
Not a thing ya can do for him Bunny you know that.......tell him ya love him and support him, BUT..........it's all on him.
Hope everything is still going well, Bunny.
Hi Bunny, do ya really think he's gonna do it this time? Please don't set yourself up for a fall, but it does sound more hopeful. How much subutex is he taking? I'm torn between saying to you to watch him like a hawk for a few days, coz the first 3 days of the subs are hardest. By day three he should be feeling A-OK, and you'll be able to relax a bit. Or maybe you should just leave him to his own devices and let the chips fall where they may.
I dunno, I find it a bit hard to get my head around why he wouldn't take his subs in the first place, unless he was planning to score. Maybe he just needed a bit of time to build up the courage to take them, coz once they're in, heroin is a no-no. When I first went onto subs, for the first 3 days I woke up at first light and was waiting outside the chemist door for them to open so I could get them in me. Day 4 - ahhh, I slept till 10 - it was bliss! Just tell him that every day will get better, and by day 4 the withdrawals will be history, and he'll be bouncing again.
keeping my fingers crossed
love
Diff xxx
I dunno, I find it a bit hard to get my head around why he wouldn't take his subs in the first place, unless he was planning to score. Maybe he just needed a bit of time to build up the courage to take them, coz once they're in, heroin is a no-no. When I first went onto subs, for the first 3 days I woke up at first light and was waiting outside the chemist door for them to open so I could get them in me. Day 4 - ahhh, I slept till 10 - it was bliss! Just tell him that every day will get better, and by day 4 the withdrawals will be history, and he'll be bouncing again.
keeping my fingers crossed
love
Diff xxx
Hey Bunny hope it's still goin ok?
My guy delayed takin his subbies for as long as poss because they make ya feel way worse if ya take them too soon...and the twelve hours they told him was just plain wrong...he ended up goin about 36 hours...and still felt s*** the time before last. This time though it was better and he's now a week and a half clean.
He didn't eat a thing though...and still hasn't really got his appetite back. I took him out for fish and chips yesterday and he really enjoyed that but hasn't eaten since...it's like he forgets to eat. The sweets though...like Bryn said...sweet tooth on the heroin...
Keep remembering to look after yourself and your daughter...he knows you're there for him...he knows you're rooting for him...he knows you love him.
Have faith. But maintain realism. Easier said than done!
Got everything crossed for all three of you,
love Maddy x x x
My guy delayed takin his subbies for as long as poss because they make ya feel way worse if ya take them too soon...and the twelve hours they told him was just plain wrong...he ended up goin about 36 hours...and still felt s*** the time before last. This time though it was better and he's now a week and a half clean.
He didn't eat a thing though...and still hasn't really got his appetite back. I took him out for fish and chips yesterday and he really enjoyed that but hasn't eaten since...it's like he forgets to eat. The sweets though...like Bryn said...sweet tooth on the heroin...
Keep remembering to look after yourself and your daughter...he knows you're there for him...he knows you're rooting for him...he knows you love him.
Have faith. But maintain realism. Easier said than done!
Got everything crossed for all three of you,
love Maddy x x x
Uhhhoo I knew it and am sorry for waisting all ya time with this stupid post. I knew as soon as I was out of that door he would go and get some, regardless whether he had his subby or not. He begged me to stay in the house, he already set it in his mind that if I went out he would go out, I even asked him did he want me to take his van keys...he said no, but when I got back he said he wished I had. I told him I aint gonna stay in and stop my life for him and certainly aint gonna ignore my daughter and her needs and fully concentrate on him getting better cos its him who has to do it regardless of what I do and the more I do, the more of a let down I get when he fails again and again and again.
Anyway I am totally exhausted after last night. I truly believe he does want to do this but if he cant cope with me going out then he is going to have to look for another method because I cant stop my life for him and I wont!
I went to the tea party and I enjoyed myself and brought my lil girl back, my sister bathed her and I have just put her to bed. I am looking forward to a good sleep tonight and I am ever so sorry for waisting all ya time again!!!
You are all so kind sending your replies and wishing me luck and I guess I shouldnt post here untill he is well into it cos everytime I post he goes and does it!
Anyway it aint the end of the world. I feel kind of relieved in a way as sick as it sounds.
Anyway hopefully get the keys tomorrow and should be moved in for weekend. I just want a peacefull life now, I cant deal with this drugs issue, its his not mine but I am putting myself through this s***...and for what??? Unhappiness, lack of sleep, stress, pain!!! Is it worth it....NO!! Once again I know what I have to do...I just wish he could get into a clinic and sort himself then come back to me cos I do want to be with him, I just dont want anything to do with his life and problem with heroin and I wish he could sort it out. Surely he should have enough respect to walk away now he can see what it is doing to me??
Anyway will keep ya all posted on house thing. Think my internet was supposed to be getting disconnected today so maybe its tomorrow but will be using the library for ebay anyway so will keep loggin in here.
Thanks once again for all your posts. xx
Anyway I am totally exhausted after last night. I truly believe he does want to do this but if he cant cope with me going out then he is going to have to look for another method because I cant stop my life for him and I wont!
I went to the tea party and I enjoyed myself and brought my lil girl back, my sister bathed her and I have just put her to bed. I am looking forward to a good sleep tonight and I am ever so sorry for waisting all ya time again!!!
You are all so kind sending your replies and wishing me luck and I guess I shouldnt post here untill he is well into it cos everytime I post he goes and does it!
Anyway it aint the end of the world. I feel kind of relieved in a way as sick as it sounds.
Anyway hopefully get the keys tomorrow and should be moved in for weekend. I just want a peacefull life now, I cant deal with this drugs issue, its his not mine but I am putting myself through this s***...and for what??? Unhappiness, lack of sleep, stress, pain!!! Is it worth it....NO!! Once again I know what I have to do...I just wish he could get into a clinic and sort himself then come back to me cos I do want to be with him, I just dont want anything to do with his life and problem with heroin and I wish he could sort it out. Surely he should have enough respect to walk away now he can see what it is doing to me??
Anyway will keep ya all posted on house thing. Think my internet was supposed to be getting disconnected today so maybe its tomorrow but will be using the library for ebay anyway so will keep loggin in here.
Thanks once again for all your posts. xx
Sorry Diff forgot to mention, he went about 30 hours without anything then had 8mg of subby to start, he was going to go up to 16 tomorrow. He did wait the 12 hours previous which is what was recommended but that kicked in major withdrawels and he is fine when he leaves it 24 hours or more. The longer the better but he keeps getting scared of taking them incase they make him ill like they have before but surely now after today he knows that they are fne if you leave it long enough xx
hey bunny hope this is his last rattle ever and everything works out ok in the end xxx
sorry bunny our post's must of crossed , im really sorry hun xxxxx
Don't be daft!!! You haven't wasted anyone's time here!!! That's why we're here hun...to get you through the hard bits...not just to celebrate when he's clean!
It's an awful feeling isn't it...when they tell ya they've relapsed...but at least you're not taking any of the blame...you gotta be able to go out...like ya said...he's gotta do this himself. He'll get there. You concentrate on your new house...
Thinking of you
Maddy x x x
It's an awful feeling isn't it...when they tell ya they've relapsed...but at least you're not taking any of the blame...you gotta be able to go out...like ya said...he's gotta do this himself. He'll get there. You concentrate on your new house...
Thinking of you
Maddy x x x
Like believer said Bunny, you've no wasted anyone's time! How many times have you gave sound advice to the masses on here??? That's what this board is all about... getting your feelings out to people who can understand what you're going through and can help.I'll keep my fingers are crossed for you and Kevin,Keep the Faith, Kev
Hi Bunny, I've been thinking a bit about a few things I've picked up on from your posts. Firstly, you said this was the first time he'd made the decision to try and detox without you nagging him, and secondly that you wished he'd go into a clinic or something to sort himself out and then come back to you. These kind of things are typical thoughts and actions of a loved one/family of an addict. You want him to get clean, and you're desperate to find a solution, and you're frantically searching for ways to "fix" him. OK, you've caught on now that nagging him is pointless, but I still get the feeling you haven't really come to terms with the fact that he doesn't want the same things that you want. He may do things to appease you, but that's not any kind of motivation to get clean.
And the clinic thing. So many families see clinics as a kind of quick-fix. Put their loved one in clinic, and they come back cured and life is all hunky-dory again. The low down? It doesn't work. I have a very low opinion of clinics anyway, having been in supposedly the best there is (The Priory). Hey, the liberated around 12,000 from my medical insurance, and because I didn't get on with the programme, they threw me out for being "a bad influence" and I scored before I even got home. Anyway, clinics are unlikely to be of any use unless the addict is literally on his knees begging to be let in. You can't just put someone in a clinic and expect them to come out fixed. Addiction doesn't work that way.
You are projecting you needs and wants onto him. You really have to accept that he doesn't really want to get clean, he prefers life with heroin than life without heroin. And bunny, you can scream and shout and nag all you want. It won't change anything. Bunny, listen carefully and try and take this in. It is his RIGHT to live the way he chooses. Just because you don't like it, and you don't agree with it doesn't mean that you are right to try and control him, to try and force him into something he doesn't want to do. I understand that you're intentions are good, and his are dubious at best, but you have to get your head round the fact that you cannot induce him to get clean by sheer force of will, because it's something YOU want so badly for him.
When we talk about detaching yourself from the situation, it means that you have to stand back and let him make his own choices, and you have to try to stop pushing him in the direction you want him to go in. When you are in a relaionship with an addict, the only way to survive is if you learn to accept the addiction and love him, the addict, as he is, addiction and all, and stop trying to push him to get clean. If you cannot do this (and I don't think I would be able to) the only option is to leave, because staying will only cause you more pain. Basically, it's his life. Stop interfering. If he wants to get clean, he'll do it with or without you.
Bunny, I know I'm not sounding very supportive, but I'm trying to get you to understand. The only way you'll have peace is if you let go of this unrealistic fantasy that life can be great again, if only he'd do what you wanted. Let it go. It's the only thing you can do...
love
Diff xxx
And the clinic thing. So many families see clinics as a kind of quick-fix. Put their loved one in clinic, and they come back cured and life is all hunky-dory again. The low down? It doesn't work. I have a very low opinion of clinics anyway, having been in supposedly the best there is (The Priory). Hey, the liberated around 12,000 from my medical insurance, and because I didn't get on with the programme, they threw me out for being "a bad influence" and I scored before I even got home. Anyway, clinics are unlikely to be of any use unless the addict is literally on his knees begging to be let in. You can't just put someone in a clinic and expect them to come out fixed. Addiction doesn't work that way.
You are projecting you needs and wants onto him. You really have to accept that he doesn't really want to get clean, he prefers life with heroin than life without heroin. And bunny, you can scream and shout and nag all you want. It won't change anything. Bunny, listen carefully and try and take this in. It is his RIGHT to live the way he chooses. Just because you don't like it, and you don't agree with it doesn't mean that you are right to try and control him, to try and force him into something he doesn't want to do. I understand that you're intentions are good, and his are dubious at best, but you have to get your head round the fact that you cannot induce him to get clean by sheer force of will, because it's something YOU want so badly for him.
When we talk about detaching yourself from the situation, it means that you have to stand back and let him make his own choices, and you have to try to stop pushing him in the direction you want him to go in. When you are in a relaionship with an addict, the only way to survive is if you learn to accept the addiction and love him, the addict, as he is, addiction and all, and stop trying to push him to get clean. If you cannot do this (and I don't think I would be able to) the only option is to leave, because staying will only cause you more pain. Basically, it's his life. Stop interfering. If he wants to get clean, he'll do it with or without you.
Bunny, I know I'm not sounding very supportive, but I'm trying to get you to understand. The only way you'll have peace is if you let go of this unrealistic fantasy that life can be great again, if only he'd do what you wanted. Let it go. It's the only thing you can do...
love
Diff xxx
Diff is a wonderfully smart women. Bunny I lived with a H addict when i got clean, I knew it ment losing him. You do either accept the addiction or leave. If you don't accept or leave you'll drive yourself MAD. You'll never fix him!, no rehab works UNTILL he wants it. He may hate being addicted but, it's clear he's NOT ready totally to stop. My ex guy is still a addict. Your man "may or may not" quit but, that can not rule your life. It's already driving you nuts with the up's and downs of it all. You just like him are making a choice. You can stand by him or walk away. You've already been there more for him then i would have for anyone. You have no reason to blame you going out on him scoring dope. He can not EVER use you being there or not being there as the reason to use. You should not have to take his car keys he's a ADULT he has to chose that no matter what comes he's not going to use UNTILL that happens he won't be clean.
just wanted to say it really helps me and im sure others to hear about "the addict who still suffers" because its so easy to forget all the bad crap and focuse only on how good we felt when high or the "fun" part of using-dont ever feel like theres something you shouldnt shre if you need to talk-do it
its realy hard to see someone torture themselves over and over--i know you love him--but maybe its time to think about a possible separation till he can get straight--your daughter is young, but they grow fast and learn even faster-all the luck in the world to you thanks for your bravery--you are a strong loving woman
its realy hard to see someone torture themselves over and over--i know you love him--but maybe its time to think about a possible separation till he can get straight--your daughter is young, but they grow fast and learn even faster-all the luck in the world to you thanks for your bravery--you are a strong loving woman
