Through The Eyes Of A Child

Pain Pills
1
I am sorry this is long, be patient with me....

So through the eyes of a child, me, my life..where I have been, where I can so easily still go at times..
I have been working on this since the day I hit one year on the board. Even till today something is written that I see and it trips something inside. Gina just wrote that she never wishes to forget. That is all I want to do, just forget it all, have the images go the f*ck away and leave me alone.
Brought on by Kats post to me about my year on the board..It was so nice and all the beautiful things everyone said. Feelings of some guilt and shame, more warranted than notit is time to get this all done.
There are so many things going on and well at almost 40 my mother is killing the very good in me and I am trying hard to keep focus where it should be and it isnt easyHow I let her get in my head an effect me.Oh and how much I cant be like her when I finally grow up

So lets see where to begin.
DJ wrote about the tree and how she didnt use it as a means to an end that day
And Cowgirl started a post on the horror stories, the worst of the worst
The memories that have been brought back this past year. To many, to fast at times, and some that I never ever want to ever live again, some forgotten totally, some that refuse to leave..And so much of this due to the fact that I am doing what I should be working on me, and boy are there things that haunt when you just stop, and then suppress it all.kinda like wishing it all away.

So DJs question was when did you know..The night, the darknessthe walls closing in, no sleep for days, I was amped up and out of my mind..I couldnt shut down anything. It was constant images, thoughts replaying over and over. Sleep was all I wanted, just to close my eyes and open them again to find hours had passed, not just minutes. Suicide seemed the only way to stop it all. I prayed to die, prayed for the sunshine...It all ended in the sunrise, and very suddenly.

Still dont like the darkness much. Took me a lot of years to be able to go to sleep and actually do just that. Wd opened some of that back up last year, watching him, the night so much worse.
To just be able to forget

And one horror would be a visit to the drug house, with my cousin, at age 13..And the guys, grabbing at her everywhere and she was letting it happen and laughing, enjoying it all, and she was only a year older. And the words, what they wished to do, what they had done before..And then they tried that sh*t with me, and well I didnt react to well, I held on.And she freaked..In the end drugs were still obtain, and it was forgotten, and never served as a deterrent to anything.
Bits and pieces lost..some memories I cant even piece all together, and really dont want to. Some disgust me, my behavior, lack of self worth thenWhat I would compromise

It was the game kids playOne that has been on the news. Child after child dying looking for a cheap rush. Where you strangle your friend till they pass out.Ok not normal, you know and so scary looking back.Anything for a rush..And that is where it all started, that and the drinking

Alcohol, from around 9-10.so readily available. All such a game, and it really was I was this little kid so intrigued by everything, and I have had that need to know since I was born..In many ways it is wonderful to be so interested and even at almost 40 so amazed with the littlest of thingsBut then that need to know, try, do anything just once is not a good thing. That is why I stopped. No normal person says yeah sure give me a bag, and then goes home not even caring what is in it, never caring about how much do I do, just said give it up. That day I see, that time. I see all the bad that happened. I see me laying in the common area of school my head on my ( so called ) friends lap. I can hear him say your just crashing, I have more.I see the images that attacked during my psychology exam..I remember running from class. I see that moment in darkness, not sure why. But that day running out of class is like watching a movie in a dark theater. I really believe that the class was dark as night taking my exam, that isnt possible, doesnt make any sense, but it is me in class and it is dark like night, with just some light toward the front like tunnel vision , and it is hard to see what I am reading, writingAnd it is to clear. It never left, ever, just hid waiting ..

First black out before I even hit high school

On a bad day it was a bit of everything in the liquor cabinet, mixed together so no one would notice, a little from this, from that, in a real big glass, and you drink it down real fast and it tastes horrible.and then well
Then the drinking was beginning to get to noticeable. I was in constant trouble. What a balance between not getting caught and having what I wanted..My breath being smelled when I got home at night. And just doing something else. Seeing my mother look at me unsure what to make of things without that alcohol smell. Trying to keep it together just enough to get to my room..And I usually got to my room no problem and feeling so good inside that I got away with it all again, got over on her. Lying so sincerely, stealing at timesI put my parents through hell. I would disappear, run away..I was the bad child then, and strangely enough still am in some ways this very day..This is complicated at best, especially the present and what is going on for me. In this all comes my mother who I love dearly but has me at the end of my rope..

And on almost everyday for a long time, the day started with something usually alcohol, or pills, both and ended the same way but more so in bowl form. Nothing stopped the need, nothing scared meIt was always there, there was always something handy, and at desperate times, it was anything.

At 100 lbs, I could drink a case of beer and walk away.damn I was real proud of thatAnd I remember concert after concert.the girls bathroom..Girls like me, wasted but then not like me throwing their guts up, passed out.Couldnt handle, that is itthey couldnt handle it.think about how sick that thinking is, no concern for them.Again with the how proud .

And well it didnt take long to figure out the mix of this, or that to find exactly what I so needed..to shut it all off, everything.and just.But I was still searching because if I could get there, then I could surely go farther..And it could be better right.but then you all know how that works it just gets worse, and worse.I never got to worse until crank. I got to ok, that was maybe not a mix that should be repeated.maybe more of this, less of that. It was really a game to me, an experiment on how far I could take myself, how down I could goHow light I could be, how much of nothing I could feel.and then it could become anything.
And that crank it was the drug that put me over the edge..But more so it was me. I knew what I liked, ups well only served one purpose to even out things so I didnt pass out. I let my curiosity that need to just know override everything

Passing out again, and again. A few to many beers and what I thought was TylenolAnother one of those nights that should have showed something. Found in the bathroom, on the floor, totally not there....Next day I went to look for what I took..and I looked again after that, and again, every time I went back to the house I was at.Whatever it was I wanted, and I wanted it badThey were gone, hiddenI can see myself sitting on the couch, see my bfs face and remember my cousins husband (different cousin) sleeping in his recliner making sure we didnt get out of handand I remember more than anything what was going on in my head..and wishing I was alone.Didnt want company, didnt want to talk, no questions..
Alone I was my worst enemy, then no one knew, and no one saw.

And something that sickens me to this dayOh how things haunt. A person, I knew. No one special, someone that I just knew. She sees me, I think oh god, how do I have this luck..Thousands of students, all new faces, and she sees mine. Her words, first thing out of her mouth guess what I get high now..Oh god what was I..

I was 18 when it stopped and I became anti pill, and I mean I would only take antibioticsnot even a Tylenol, a cold pill..nothing ever, for any reasonpills are to easy.
I use to know at one time how many beers I had drank a year, if I had a few hits, almost all the years none..this year, well
The bad years in between were set apart by a tragedy, and usually the same one all the time. And it was always something personal, just mine.If it hurt inside, and more importantly if it could not be explained, reasoned out..Well then I would hide away. I did that after 2 of my miscarriages., using anything as a means to take the pain away, from drugs to alcohol, food or lack of, sex, Didnt matter whatever worked inside my head..(a binge usually done and over with fast, the rules of my life would stop the insanity, and yet well it never really ended then either). Over 10 years go by with nothing in the way of self destructiveness and I have my last miss, Bad provided all the relief for. He was in the thick of things then, and I chose to put all my focus on him to forget the pain..How easy it was to switch that focus, and even getting pregnant again, and having princess never took that pain away. That was something I had to work out this past year and I had to work them all out. I never dealt with any of that loss.. I think I am finally seeing that sometimes there are just no answers, and most importantly that I can live without them. This is real hard for me but a good thing I know..


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And yes I opened the door again this past year, and then closed it, opened it, closed, opened. (Opened it in May real wide and let some need to know jump right on in)And then it closed again, not my doing, but it must be that way now..Sometimes I follow the rules set before me..and then well the rule was gone.
Oh god rules, I have so many for myself, and broke some real important ones..and sorry but there I cant go there now, still beating myself up..
There is no ending yet, but then I am still very much alive, so there shouldnt be one Yet some chapters are closing, new ones opening..a lot of good going on in my life, to many things to be grateful for.
This really is nothing but to make sure that I keep me honest, and present.
It is a me I have had to figure out this past year. Where I wish to go from here. What I need to fix still, make amends for, and make peace withAnd most definitely where I need to forgive myselfand forgiving me will be the hardest part of it all.


I realize that after I wrote this all I was vague at times. There are details that are to specific, and anymore I have no idea what will make someone start thinking in a way that will have them back in hell. Pills became my obsession, mixed with alcohol a lot and so much better if there was a warning on the bottle to not do that,oh such excitement.and it was usually 1up for every 2 downs, and if it was desperate then handfuls of many OTC products and it was based a lot on color yes color, it was kinda like mixing paints to see what you come up with, like reds and blues make purple..I was a sick kid..

And even more so, I am having some problems, since I started this especially. with my mother. The more she pushes the more I want to run and hide. I never let Bad have that control.never anyone, and inside I know I am harder on myself than anyone else could be..but I learned where overboard and normal meet, learned where my priorities should lie.And I sit here pissed off, upset and I talked to her about the past, the future..Why I am just me, and the last talk brought and I thought all my daughters were good.and yesterday brought how stupid I am, and what a bad example I am settingGuess what all I did was get a tattooand even more weird it is ok for me to drink, thats cool and she more than understands why I would
Thank you for letting me share, the past and present are intertwining and I know it will all pass at some point if I make sure to keep me in life, not hiding from it..
Love,
Tina
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Wow Tina...pretty intense stuff.

I can only say for me, I'm glad you're here and that your mother is missing out on one of the most sincere, honest people I have come to know...

You're story is one made of nightmares about what we don't want for our children...we can only be sure not to perpetuate the cycle.

Love
Lisa
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Boy, if there was ever a time I wanted to reach through the screen and hug somebody.....it's now.
I hope in the deepest part of your sad child's heart, you know what a winner you are.
That was so brave of you, Tina. You have my utmost respect.
Love, Kat
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Dear Tina:

I am so glad you are here and I want you here for many, many years to come.

You have probably read where I have written about my Mother. My belief is if it's a toxic relationship, I think it will just hurt you. That's my opinion. I had to stay away, she could really break me down.

Much love to you.
Thank you and you are brave for sharing your story.

Love you,
Jean
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Tina,
Wow, thanks for sharing, big time honesty there. Took alot of courage to put that out there, I hope it felt even a little bit good to get that out.

Take care..........Bob

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Tina:

You really have a way with writing. You really touch your readers.

Rachel