I need a mans perspective on something, I hope you don't mind.
My recent relapse. I have not told my husband about it. Hes the type of man that wants to make everything better for me, the whole solving my problems thing.
He has his own grief over the loss of our son, he is the only one that can really get where I'm coming from on that. But he also has the added pressure of trying to take care of me. When he can't "fix" things its extremely difficult for him.
Do you think I should tell him about my relapse? I'm not looking to slide on this, I'm trying to think of his state of mind and adding even more to his plate that is already too heavy. He knows I'm going to meetings but has not questioned me on them since I have been before.
Thanks Tim and anyone else that can give their thoughts to this.
Redd, Even though I am not a man I wanted to reply to your post. My husband to is the fix it man. That comes from him serving 19 years in the military. We have been married for almost 19 years and I have learned honesty is the best policy. Tell him. My husband always says if it isn't broke don't try and fix it but in your situation you might want him to know what is going on so he can help you through this. Shantel
I always have to ask myself this question about those situations.What happens when he finds out later?Will he be hurt that you didn't trust him with the truth?I don't know anything about the dynamics of your relationship but I bet he loves you and would feel honored that you are honest with him?....I can't know this though.
He might be a really strong ally in your sobriety.
I don't think this is necessairly a male,female thing.It's your partner and the same would apply if you were a man telling your wife.
I know you're starting over and I saw you made a meeting.It sounds like to me you are getting serious about your recovery.Why not start with just telling him?
You don't have to do it tonight but in the next few days process it.Have you found someone who you might like to be your temporary sponsor?This one be good to talk about.
Give him a chance.I bet you will be pleasantly surprised.I think it's normal to have apprehension about this because of the guilt trip we put on ourselves.
You relapsed.BFD.Sometimes it can be the best thing in the world for us if it gets us to a better place and that sounds like exactly what happened.
You've processed it now, let it go.Don't carry a bunch of baggage around about your relapse.It's over.
It looks like everyone here has embraced you as if you've never left.
That's the way it should be.
You're doing good and it's shows a lot courage that you would put this question out there.
Listen to the women about it too.
He might be a really strong ally in your sobriety.
I don't think this is necessairly a male,female thing.It's your partner and the same would apply if you were a man telling your wife.
I know you're starting over and I saw you made a meeting.It sounds like to me you are getting serious about your recovery.Why not start with just telling him?
You don't have to do it tonight but in the next few days process it.Have you found someone who you might like to be your temporary sponsor?This one be good to talk about.
Give him a chance.I bet you will be pleasantly surprised.I think it's normal to have apprehension about this because of the guilt trip we put on ourselves.
You relapsed.BFD.Sometimes it can be the best thing in the world for us if it gets us to a better place and that sounds like exactly what happened.
You've processed it now, let it go.Don't carry a bunch of baggage around about your relapse.It's over.
It looks like everyone here has embraced you as if you've never left.
That's the way it should be.
You're doing good and it's shows a lot courage that you would put this question out there.
Listen to the women about it too.
Redd(Amy)gotta love it,you ask for a males perspective and two out of the three are females,we never can stop trying to help,lol
I get what you mean.You hate to burden him with this.But...do you really think hes unaware?
If so,you know this is a life long battle,do you want to battle it alone for life? Tell him now,before it goes too far and he then feels youve hidden it from him.Let him help you "through" this,but let him no,there is no "fixing"...its goign to ba a daily thing you will have to deal with.You love him and just want him to be aware,but require no action from him but to be there to talk to.Maybe then he wont feel this feeling of"OMG what can i do to fix this" Good luck,im hppy to hear youre going to the meetings.sounds like things are getting a little better.~KIM
I get what you mean.You hate to burden him with this.But...do you really think hes unaware?
If so,you know this is a life long battle,do you want to battle it alone for life? Tell him now,before it goes too far and he then feels youve hidden it from him.Let him help you "through" this,but let him no,there is no "fixing"...its goign to ba a daily thing you will have to deal with.You love him and just want him to be aware,but require no action from him but to be there to talk to.Maybe then he wont feel this feeling of"OMG what can i do to fix this" Good luck,im hppy to hear youre going to the meetings.sounds like things are getting a little better.~KIM
Heres my womanly opinion...lol
I would really think twice about telling him..
If its done and finished, and you aren't taking them anymore, then ask yourself why you would want him to know..
It may help your feelings of guilt, but then you are handing over the stress to your hubby, theres nothing he can do about it anyway, theres nothing really TO do..its over right?...Nothing for him to do at this point except for worry about what he COULD have done to prevent it from happening...
I wouldnt tell him...unless you think you are in danger of relapsing again..and really need his help..
Hope that helps
Ali
I would really think twice about telling him..
If its done and finished, and you aren't taking them anymore, then ask yourself why you would want him to know..
It may help your feelings of guilt, but then you are handing over the stress to your hubby, theres nothing he can do about it anyway, theres nothing really TO do..its over right?...Nothing for him to do at this point except for worry about what he COULD have done to prevent it from happening...
I wouldnt tell him...unless you think you are in danger of relapsing again..and really need his help..
Hope that helps
Ali
Thank you Shantel, Kim and Tim.
He knows my history, he has stood by me but I don't think he ever really really got it. Hes not an addict, I married a "normie".
But I do think there is a difference in men and women on telling our problems to. Women want to be heard , us girls like to talk, I read somewhere that women use 5 times the amount of words daily than men do. While men want to fix things. I know this man, hes going to want to fix it. He doesn't do well in situations that are out of his control.
I will tell him, not tonight but soon. When I have some leg work done already so I can tell him that I have already taken action on it.
And Tim you're right. I think things to an extent happen for a reason. I was comfortable with my sobriety and I got a wake up call. I'm done beating myself up over it. I've relapsed before and have said "oh well, may as well keep going"...not this time, this relapse was different for a number of reasons.
Thanks again you guys.
He knows my history, he has stood by me but I don't think he ever really really got it. Hes not an addict, I married a "normie".
But I do think there is a difference in men and women on telling our problems to. Women want to be heard , us girls like to talk, I read somewhere that women use 5 times the amount of words daily than men do. While men want to fix things. I know this man, hes going to want to fix it. He doesn't do well in situations that are out of his control.
I will tell him, not tonight but soon. When I have some leg work done already so I can tell him that I have already taken action on it.
And Tim you're right. I think things to an extent happen for a reason. I was comfortable with my sobriety and I got a wake up call. I'm done beating myself up over it. I've relapsed before and have said "oh well, may as well keep going"...not this time, this relapse was different for a number of reasons.
Thanks again you guys.
Sorry Ali, I just saw your post after I posted mine.
I'm going to tell him because I've figured this much out...I don't have anything to be ashamed about. I'm letting shame out the window on this one.
I'd hate for him to think I couldn't come to him if he were to ever find out later. Hes stood by me, hes pulled me up from the floor, hes held me and let me cry in his arms. Hes been my best friend and I owe him honesty. And really so much more.
But thank you for your oppinion, I do appreciate it.
And if I were to relapse again, he couldn't stop me. Thats on me.
I'm going to tell him because I've figured this much out...I don't have anything to be ashamed about. I'm letting shame out the window on this one.
I'd hate for him to think I couldn't come to him if he were to ever find out later. Hes stood by me, hes pulled me up from the floor, hes held me and let me cry in his arms. Hes been my best friend and I owe him honesty. And really so much more.
But thank you for your oppinion, I do appreciate it.
And if I were to relapse again, he couldn't stop me. Thats on me.
Redd--
I am a Mr. Fix it guy myself--Personally-i think that you may be better off not telling him- It would likely bring about un needed grief that your husband would have to deal with- He may feel that he is inadequate and that he should have been able to do something to have prevented your relapse. You may want to keep this one for yourself.
BUT
On the other side of the coin--You may want him to know- You might NEED him to know deep down , So that he can help you. You are a TEAM- You may need his heart and loving hand to GUIDE you through this part of your journey...
It could possibly do more harm than good if you do not tell him--He may feel decieved if he was to find out-- that all of this time when he thought you were still running smooth that you fell off abd didnt let him know-So that he could help you.
Look up Marriage online and see what the definition says--That may help you conclude a decision
You have my thoughts and Prayers tonight. Whatever choise you make will be the RIGHT one !!!
You will make it through this !!
I am a Mr. Fix it guy myself--Personally-i think that you may be better off not telling him- It would likely bring about un needed grief that your husband would have to deal with- He may feel that he is inadequate and that he should have been able to do something to have prevented your relapse. You may want to keep this one for yourself.
BUT
On the other side of the coin--You may want him to know- You might NEED him to know deep down , So that he can help you. You are a TEAM- You may need his heart and loving hand to GUIDE you through this part of your journey...
It could possibly do more harm than good if you do not tell him--He may feel decieved if he was to find out-- that all of this time when he thought you were still running smooth that you fell off abd didnt let him know-So that he could help you.
Look up Marriage online and see what the definition says--That may help you conclude a decision
You have my thoughts and Prayers tonight. Whatever choise you make will be the RIGHT one !!!
You will make it through this !!
Amy,
I'm so glad to see you here. Everytime I start feeling sorry for myself, I think about you. And I think of how much I have to be grateful for. And I think about how much worse it could be.
And I am inspired by you. Because you, my friend, are a survivor...in the true sense of the word.
When I'm having a rough night and wondering how I am supposed to go on in the midst of it all, I think of you. When I think the pain I feel is insurmountable, I try to imagine your pain. And I feel guilty because I know that nothing can compare to what you have been through.
I know this thread is not about this at all, Amy. But I have to say again that I am so very sorry for you. I don't even know you yet every time I think about you, my heart breaks. I only wish I could do something to ease your pain a little.
I'm so proud of you, and with all of the huge steps you have taken. You really are an inspiration. And, if I were you and I knew that my husband would understand, then by all means, tell him.
I think he would be more hurt by the fact that you didn't feel that you could come to him with this than anything. Especially after all that you two have endured together. God, go to him, Amy. Spill your heart out to him. And be grateful that you have a partner in your life willing to share in every sorrow and heartache that may come to you. Maybe if you express to him that you aren't confiding in him so that he can fix this....just that so he will be there for you to lean on. Because grief doesn't have a clock or a calendar. You have to work through it, no matter how long it takes. Tell him that he can't fix it, that you don't want him to fix it. You just want him to understand where you are at with it. And maybe you can learn a little about where he is at too. Maybe if you open up to him, he will feel comfortable sharing with you where he is at.
I don't know if I'm making any sense with this at all. I don't know your relationship or what you two have shared with each other.
I just know that if you two are that close to be able to endure the loss of precious Jack and to still be together and wanting to help each other, then I doubt there is much that you CAN'T share.
And, for that, you are very fortunate. But I know you know that.
Good luck to you, Amy. And it's so good to see you back.
I'm so glad to see you here. Everytime I start feeling sorry for myself, I think about you. And I think of how much I have to be grateful for. And I think about how much worse it could be.
And I am inspired by you. Because you, my friend, are a survivor...in the true sense of the word.
When I'm having a rough night and wondering how I am supposed to go on in the midst of it all, I think of you. When I think the pain I feel is insurmountable, I try to imagine your pain. And I feel guilty because I know that nothing can compare to what you have been through.
I know this thread is not about this at all, Amy. But I have to say again that I am so very sorry for you. I don't even know you yet every time I think about you, my heart breaks. I only wish I could do something to ease your pain a little.
I'm so proud of you, and with all of the huge steps you have taken. You really are an inspiration. And, if I were you and I knew that my husband would understand, then by all means, tell him.
I think he would be more hurt by the fact that you didn't feel that you could come to him with this than anything. Especially after all that you two have endured together. God, go to him, Amy. Spill your heart out to him. And be grateful that you have a partner in your life willing to share in every sorrow and heartache that may come to you. Maybe if you express to him that you aren't confiding in him so that he can fix this....just that so he will be there for you to lean on. Because grief doesn't have a clock or a calendar. You have to work through it, no matter how long it takes. Tell him that he can't fix it, that you don't want him to fix it. You just want him to understand where you are at with it. And maybe you can learn a little about where he is at too. Maybe if you open up to him, he will feel comfortable sharing with you where he is at.
I don't know if I'm making any sense with this at all. I don't know your relationship or what you two have shared with each other.
I just know that if you two are that close to be able to endure the loss of precious Jack and to still be together and wanting to help each other, then I doubt there is much that you CAN'T share.
And, for that, you are very fortunate. But I know you know that.
Good luck to you, Amy. And it's so good to see you back.
Hey Amy. I agree with your decision to tell him. Not necessarily because you owe it to him, but because you owe it to yourself. I think as women, a lot of the time, we tend to try and protect our husbands and end up shouldering more responsibilites ourself. I think its in our nature to try and make things easier for our husband and children. God knows I do, but sometimes, I think its okay to let them see that not everything has an easy solution. When we get married, its for better OR worse. I'm betting that our husbands are a lot stronger than we give them credit for. And even though he can't fix this, he'll be okay. Don't carry this alone. (((((Amy)))))
Love,
DeNae
Love,
DeNae
Amy quotes-
| QUOTE |
| He knows my history, he has stood by me but I don't think he ever really really got it. Hes not an addict, I married a "normie". |
There are many in the program whose sposues are "normies".In fact I would say most are.They were attracted to us in spite of ourselves...the good,the bad and the ugly.In fact,I have always believed if they hadn't found us they would've been off chasing some other dysfunctional addict or alcoholic.
That's one component of our personality they were absolutely attracted to although most won't admit it.
That's why Alanon exist.
In spite of this disease,most of us are articulate,intelligent,interesting & dynamic individuals.A lot of us were rebels too.Those qualities stand out and especially to subdued,maybe a little introverted individuals.
It's like the moth to the flame.
I'm sure later some didn't realize what they signed up for but the love can still be just as strong.
Since this guy has always supported you,I doubt that will change.I think your relationship will grow because of it.
Trust God and then listen to your gut but that old program cliche"pacticing honesty in all our affairs"always wins out.
Good Luck
Amy, men are more apt to "fix the problem, kill it if you will"., There is an issue? Kill it, let it be gone. Us women like to talk about is, commeriserate, cry on each others shoulders.
Just tell him, You cant fix this for me, but you can listen. This is what I'm going thru. I can speak from experience when I say he wont totally understand but because he loves you enough, he will pause and LISTEN to you.
I wish I could offer more wonderful advice. But I got NOTHIN... LOL except ESH
Love ya
Kelly
Just tell him, You cant fix this for me, but you can listen. This is what I'm going thru. I can speak from experience when I say he wont totally understand but because he loves you enough, he will pause and LISTEN to you.
I wish I could offer more wonderful advice. But I got NOTHIN... LOL except ESH
Love ya
Kelly
Amy, Goos morning, although we have already discussed this, and I know what you are going to do about telling him, but I wanted to reitterate what almost everyone else has said.
Think about how he would feel on down the road if you don't tell him yourself now. You two have weathered the worst of storms together, and although I know your fear is not that he will be angry, but that he will somehow blame himself, you can ease that fear and get him to see how this happened when you tell him.You have a very special man, you know, and a very special marriage, there is nothing the two of you can not face together.
Jodi......great post. You are so sweet to take the time to reach out to Amy during this hard time in your own life. I hope you are doing well today, and things in your part of the world are getting better.
Hi Amy,
I have not read the responses to your question, I dont think I need to. Actually, I dont think YOU need to either. You know the answer. Thats a snowball, that once rolling, may be to difficult to stop.
Best Regards,
Tom
I have not read the responses to your question, I dont think I need to. Actually, I dont think YOU need to either. You know the answer. Thats a snowball, that once rolling, may be to difficult to stop.
Best Regards,
Tom
I'm sure later some didn't realize what they signed up for but the love can still be just as strong.
No, he didn't know what he was in for with me. Yet hes still here.
Thank you again everyone, bouncing things off you guys always helps. I know what I have to do.
It was good to see some familiar "faces". Some things never change around here, like our caring for each other.
He seems like a good fella and would stand by you no matter what. I would be honest with him. Also, you might want to tell him that sometimes there are things only 'YOU' can fix....
Bikeman,
I have. He knows. I just think men are built differently (obviously). I think I'm not giving him enough credit, DeNae got me to think about that from her post. Everyone here gets me to think, the beauty of this board.
Its good to see you, still traveling?
Yes, it is the beauty of this board...
I am still traveling, but won't be hitting the road till early February. It's a nice break.
I am still traveling, but won't be hitting the road till early February. It's a nice break.
Bikeman-They are saying we could have ice on the roads in Houston tomorrow morning.Can you imagine 4 million of already very bad drivers on the street at one time?LOL......I'm staying in tomorrow.That's all I need is some Bubba in a jacked up Ford pick-up sliding into me.
I may be in the minority here, but I would give it a bit of time since you're obviously unsure and hesitatnt right now. The most important thing, in the short term, is that you get back on strong footing with your sobriety. If telling him will add a whole new set of "control" and shame dynamics to your short-term recovery progress, maybe that's something that can wait a bit. You'll know when, or if, you're ready to address the slip with your husband in due time.
In the interest of full disclosure, however, I should probably say that I've never told my wife about my last "run," and that was more than 2 and 1/2 years ago. I struggled with the dishonesty for a long time, and I probably would have told her if I thought it could be as simple as "I had a slip, but I'm back on track." It never is. The questions keep coming, predictably and understandably. And the truth about my actions would have scared the living hell out of her. No one should have to live with that kind of fear. She knows I'm an addict/alcoholic, and I'm pretty sure she knows I slipped/relapsed in 2004anyway, but the facts behind the relapse -- I think that surpasses even her worst case scenario.
So I determined to take care of my own sh** first, and only later -- years later -- tell her what really happened. My hope is that her fear will be lessened if, when I tell her, I can simultaneously point to a solid record of continuous recovery for multiple years.
I may be wrong, and I'm sure many (if not most) on this Board disagree with the path I've taken. In fact, when I brought the issue to the Board in May 2004, almost everyone said that I must and should tell her everything if I truly wanted to stay sober. But in hindsight, on balance, I think it's helped more than it's hurt. Just my opinion, obviously, and this is just one person's experience. None
In the interest of full disclosure, however, I should probably say that I've never told my wife about my last "run," and that was more than 2 and 1/2 years ago. I struggled with the dishonesty for a long time, and I probably would have told her if I thought it could be as simple as "I had a slip, but I'm back on track." It never is. The questions keep coming, predictably and understandably. And the truth about my actions would have scared the living hell out of her. No one should have to live with that kind of fear. She knows I'm an addict/alcoholic, and I'm pretty sure she knows I slipped/relapsed in 2004anyway, but the facts behind the relapse -- I think that surpasses even her worst case scenario.
So I determined to take care of my own sh** first, and only later -- years later -- tell her what really happened. My hope is that her fear will be lessened if, when I tell her, I can simultaneously point to a solid record of continuous recovery for multiple years.
I may be wrong, and I'm sure many (if not most) on this Board disagree with the path I've taken. In fact, when I brought the issue to the Board in May 2004, almost everyone said that I must and should tell her everything if I truly wanted to stay sober. But in hindsight, on balance, I think it's helped more than it's hurt. Just my opinion, obviously, and this is just one person's experience. None
