My 47 y/o addicted son and I have had no contact for the past six months . I needed the time to get out of all the drama and his verbal abuse to us! It has been so peaceful even though I still miss my old son and would love to have a relationship again.
My problem is I don't know if I should wish him Happy BD in February and see if he has changed. The 6 month deal was he could contact us if he had changed his life and was drug free. He hasn't contacted us and I don't know if I would be opening a can of worms again, or if that is considered enabling, or if I should try to get in touch with him at all?????
I feel like him not contacting us means there is no change in his lifestyle, but on the other hand he is extremely proud and stubborn and carries a lot of resentment and hostility and blames us for his lot in life!
Any suggestions on what would be best to do or what to say if I contact him? I value your opinions and advice!
Thanks--Lori
Lori,
When I think of detaching with love, it helps me a lot. Maybe you can send your son a birthday message saying you love him and happy birthday. It doesn't mean you need to keep in contact. I have told my son (who is newly in recovery) that I love him, but I cannot have a relationship with him if he is not sober. For me, it was just too difficult not only dealing with the verbal abuse, but also watching him die.
When I think of detaching with love, it helps me a lot. Maybe you can send your son a birthday message saying you love him and happy birthday. It doesn't mean you need to keep in contact. I have told my son (who is newly in recovery) that I love him, but I cannot have a relationship with him if he is not sober. For me, it was just too difficult not only dealing with the verbal abuse, but also watching him die.
Also, maybe it's best not to ask if he's gotten help or sought treatment. It will most likely only incite his anger and I think he will tell you if he has done so. If he has sought treatment, but is still resentful and not ready to tell you, he will tell you in his own time.
You might wish your son happy birthday and send your love if you know how to contact him. Sounds like he is being self sufficient if he hasn't been contacting you. Whether that is with or without using drugs is unknown. Giving up the drugs would be the best outcome but leaving you out of the drama is second best. I have the same problem and don't want to rock the boat by trying to contact my son. Being estranged with no contact is not ideal and I think it is a last resort for most parents. It is really hard to maintain but I don't think things can change overnight or in six months or maybe even never after the family is so damaged. I went through the holidays no contact and am wondering about his birthday. My son will never forgive us but I am hoping he learns how to care for himself if I am not always rescuing him. It is hard to let go. Sink or swim...but I can't live with the drama and heartache so don't want to take steps backward to the way it was. It is fear and some selfishness on my part. Lori, I totally understand how conflicted a mother's emotions can be. You should do what feels right.
Lori, this is a hard place to be in.
I am at the point where I know I cannot take anymore if my son reverts back to his old ways. I have never been so clear and so certain. The reason is that I cannot emotionally handle it. The behavior is so clearly inappropriate and damaging to all around.
I hope he continues to try, but I have decided I cannot be in his life if he goes back. It makes me sad, but I literally cannot take anymore of it. I am going to go under if I don't cut a clear boundary.
So, I have no answers, but just wanted to offer support for this tough situation. You are doing the right thing and I know you will make the right choice.
If children are angry for not being enabled, then we have to reassure ourselves that they are sick and not thinking clearly.
Best wishes to all in this situation.
I am at the point where I know I cannot take anymore if my son reverts back to his old ways. I have never been so clear and so certain. The reason is that I cannot emotionally handle it. The behavior is so clearly inappropriate and damaging to all around.
I hope he continues to try, but I have decided I cannot be in his life if he goes back. It makes me sad, but I literally cannot take anymore of it. I am going to go under if I don't cut a clear boundary.
So, I have no answers, but just wanted to offer support for this tough situation. You are doing the right thing and I know you will make the right choice.
If children are angry for not being enabled, then we have to reassure ourselves that they are sick and not thinking clearly.
Best wishes to all in this situation.
