To Phil From Mary

Dear Phil,
It is Mary even tho it says Alias in the 'started' by column...had to register to enter my story on the 'Success Story' and came up with Alias for lack of a better handle. Feeling rather sad today....it is the anniversary of my youngest brother's death....Edward having died at the age of 29. He was a chronic alcoholic at the time of his death although he dabbled in other drugs but his main addiction was to alcohol. Shortly before his death he found out that he needed a liver transplant due to his chronic alcoholism and knowing full well that his chances of getting one because of his alcohol abuse were extremely slim...he got his affairs in order and decided to leap to his death....it took him 2 weeks to die, however, but in the end he died of congestive heart failure. It broke my heart to go and see him in the hospital as because his liver no longer function and could no longer filter toxins as normally it should....the poison entered his system and his skin glowed like the color of a bright orange.

My family...even tho we loved each other dearly....was never very demonstrative in showing our affections toward each other....particulary my tough but heart of gold brother Edward....but they day as he lay dying....he grabbed my hand and as i bent toward his tortured face...he told me he was dying and that he was sorry but he loved me.....and i kissed him good bye and ran from the room.

When i was in the Army and stationed in Germany at the time my brother Edward sent me a cassette tape with a recorded message as he wasn't one much for letter writing....i still have it to this day and play it on the anniversaries of his death....that thick Brooklyn accent of his and wry sense of humor still crisp and audible as the day the cassette was recorded and eerie in the sense that it is like he is sitting right beside me and shooting the breeze with his sister.

I always knew Phil that beneath that tough wise cracking surface there was an undefined sadness in Edward and a loneliness that he would be too proud and feel too unmanly to reveal.

I don't know what it is like to lose a son but i know the sorrow of losing a close young sibling....and even after all these years my heart has yet to heal fully and continue to carry the guilt that maybe there could have been something i could have done to prevent that tragedy.

I do know today that i never fail to tell my other brothers and sister that i love them....i think more people including myself need to hear that we are loved no matter what before it is too late and we miss the opportunity.

Thanx for listening Phil....did i tell you that i love you and everybody else here that comes to share their pain with us on this site.
MARY
Mary,

Thank you very much for your kind words. I feel for you. I don't know what to say but it sucks when you lose somebody who is very close to you. We have a condition, its called grief, its like a heart condition, or diabetes, but we have to learn to live with it. Every time the 11th of the month comes around I feel really down. I felt really down on Easter Sunday because it was the first Easter without my son David. To make matters worse my other son had to work Easter evening. He recently got a job at Baskin and Robbins Ice Cream. The cheap boss had the shop open on Easter evening. Matt had to work 6-10. We had Easter dinner with my wifes family without either of my sons at the table.

I am getting hardened to this world. It gave me a raw deal when others go on for years on heroin my son dies after a short stint with it.

To make matters worse again Matt got in a minor fender bender accident. No injuries as far as Matt is concerned and as far as the girl he rear ended. The damage to my sons car was $750 and to the girls car, $1400. So you can tell this was a very small accident. I was contemplating paying for the girls car repair myself so my son does not get a surcharge on his insurance. That is until I received a certified letter in the mail yesterday from a workmans compensation insurance company. Apparently the girl was doing something work related while in her car at the time of the accident. The insurance company intends to recover all costs associated with injuries she received from the accident. My son asked the girl if she was ok and she said yes. But the mistake my son made was not calling the police in to take a report. I am appaled at all the scamming that goes on. People are so sue crazy and find any chance to take advantage. I called my insurance company and they said this goes on all the time. The real victim is my son and I who will pay the price in an insurance surcharge.

I am really getting disgusted with this world with all the drugs, addiction, lawsuits. Sometimes I think my son is the lucky one and no longer has to put up with this crap.

God Bless,

Phil
"am really getting disgusted with this world with all the drugs, addiction, lawsuits. Sometimes I think my son is the lucky one and no longer has to put up with this crap."

Phil,
I have this fear that my posting to you reopens the wound so to speak by not allowing it to heal by intermittently drawing attention to it....if that indeed be the case please accept my apology. I am a bit worried that you might be allowing the wound to continue to fester by the cynicism and sense of defeat you seem to view the world as a whole of late. David is not the lucky one...nor was my brother as they chose not to put up with the crap that is a natural part of life.....and hence forfeited their lives through addiction....

Just wanted to you know that you are still thought of....
MARY