Hey everyone. I know I've been posting on here a lot lately but it's been a long time since I've struggled this much with being clean...
Everyone always talks about "triggers" or "cues," things that remind you of your drug(s) of choice or that you associate with using. Lately, I feel like I'm surrounded by them. I've been an addict of one form or another for pretty much my entire life. I've tried moving, I've tried new friends, I've tried all kinds of things but it just seems that the triggers follow me. Things remind me of people that are no longer here and I'm filled with sadness, something I associated with using. Things remind me of people I had poor relationships with and fill me with guilt and meloncholy, things I associate with using. When we're understaffed at my job and tasks aren't completed I have a tough time shifting the blame from myself and feel overwhelmed with failure, something I associated with using.
I pick up my instrument and remember the laughs I had at practice, at performances and then remember the booze and drugs that flowed during those nights and I think to myself, "why can't we go back to getting high and loaded for fun." But I know that will never happen. Getting high and loaded became a way of life, a way to destroy it that is. I don't know if any of my recent posts have even made sense because I feel so trapped inside my head that I can't tell if my thoughts are coming out clearly... sometimes I wonder if it's the influence of the drugs or if I really have lost my mind forever..
What are your "triggers" and "cues"? How do you combat them?
Don't get so down on yourself Lion it happens to all of us.
BTW, you should post all you want. That's why this Board is here. Lord knows I probably racked up a million posts.
I think it will shift for you. Right now the weather is a huge trigger. Many people say that. It snows ya think "Oh man remeber that time we dug ourselves out of two feet of snow and walked three miles to cop?" Happens every change of season I think.
Holiday stuff. "Oh that one Christmas I almost got busted but it was so worth it because the dope was so good plus I made it back in time for Mass so nobody missed me".
You're a musician. That must be tough. It must be wonderful having such a gift. Hopefully it will shift back for you and you'll think of all the times you did play when you were clean and sober and how good it feels to feel. Ya know?
Wishing you better days without too many triggers. Someone more wiser I am sure will share.
Of all the things for me and I have been clean for years is blue. I see little blue candy bags on the ground or blue tissue paper BAM because that is the color dope bags used to be. I guess they still are. It's kind of nice not knowing.
BTW, you should post all you want. That's why this Board is here. Lord knows I probably racked up a million posts.
I think it will shift for you. Right now the weather is a huge trigger. Many people say that. It snows ya think "Oh man remeber that time we dug ourselves out of two feet of snow and walked three miles to cop?" Happens every change of season I think.
Holiday stuff. "Oh that one Christmas I almost got busted but it was so worth it because the dope was so good plus I made it back in time for Mass so nobody missed me".
You're a musician. That must be tough. It must be wonderful having such a gift. Hopefully it will shift back for you and you'll think of all the times you did play when you were clean and sober and how good it feels to feel. Ya know?
Wishing you better days without too many triggers. Someone more wiser I am sure will share.
Of all the things for me and I have been clean for years is blue. I see little blue candy bags on the ground or blue tissue paper BAM because that is the color dope bags used to be. I guess they still are. It's kind of nice not knowing.
