Hoping someone can offer advice. My husband is currently addicted to Oxycontin. It has ruined us financially. I've tried to approach the subject for 2 years now only being met by anger and resistence. I am now at the end of my rope. I have given him the choice the pills or his family. I have done my research, and know that other meds can be provided for pain once the oxy is gone from his system. I have asked him to leave and he refuses making more promises like many before. I'm not sure how to proceed here. I know he needs a good reality check but I don't want to kick him while he's down. Any advice?????
Hi, welcome to the boards. You might try out the Families and partners board for additional support. The PP board is a great start and many people here can offer advice from the addiction side of things. If you have decided that you do not want to have the addiction as part of your life, then you've set a healthy boundary, but you may have to be the one to leave if he refuses. You aren't kicking him while he's down, merely taking care of yourself as you should.
How long has this been going on...you say you've been trying to discuss it for two years, but how long has been using? Did it start as necessary for an actual pain issue? Are there any children in the home?
Peace ~ MomNMore
How long has this been going on...you say you've been trying to discuss it for two years, but how long has been using? Did it start as necessary for an actual pain issue? Are there any children in the home?
Peace ~ MomNMore
To understandnot possible, it isnt yoursand honestly you will certainly drive yourself mad trying to understand.
But then I am curious as to what you might want to understand
Like why he wont stop, cause he wont until he can.has something to do with a bottom, but then bottom shifts and bends with the next best line one tells themselvesAlso has to do with lots of other things that really arent yours either.
Oh and this isnt personal, never was
You wont be able to love him well, nurse him to well, bribe him well, beg him well or threaten him welland he somewhere will surely need to learn to love and care enough for himself to get well.
You could jump ahead, get to where many have had to for their sanity, for peace, for a chance at a most wonderful lifewhich btw is not contingent on what anyone around them is doing.Most seeking information on how to help, to understand in time find it was themselves they needed to understand and help
So I have questions
Are you taking care of you, sleeping, eating, meeting your responsibilities
Are you out and about with friends, enjoying life around.
Above good things.
Belowoh below shows where you might want to start looking at you and not him.
Are you in a constant state of worry, always wondering what he is doing, who he is with, if will be sick today, if will make work today ( does he work???), if he will run out of pillsor if he will be tapping this account or that to get them
Are you begging and bargaining, are you fixing mistakes, covering up for him with family, friends, his jobdo you lie for him, are you compromising yourself and your beliefs for him.
Are you making excuses for why he needs the pills..
Might it be ok if he took the pills as prescribedcause I am kinda freaked with the get the oxy out of his system so he can take something else for pain.hmmm as long at that something else isnt anything opiate based
Oh and pain at this point even real pain can not be gauge and wont be able to be gauged unless there is some clean time.
Are you in a constant state of worry, fear, obsessing and then letting your head run over and over into the next best gloom and doom scenario.
There is a lot to learn
CRASH COURSE.
You dont have to help him, he doesnt need your help, especially if it is that icky helpenablingas it keeps em sick.
You do though need to RUN, yes RUN with the presence of any violence, especially if you have children in the home.
You also have every right to leave or staybut neither will do much if there isnt work done on you to go along with whatever you decide. The work is not optional, it is the only way out and if you dont take the time, in time you will find yourself on a similar ride if you do leave
Boundaries are a good thing, ones create to keep you safe and peaceful, and ones created as to where you will not step over the line and take on what isnt yours and stop the learning
As mandm said there is a family board, might want to take a peek
But then I am curious as to what you might want to understand
Like why he wont stop, cause he wont until he can.has something to do with a bottom, but then bottom shifts and bends with the next best line one tells themselvesAlso has to do with lots of other things that really arent yours either.
Oh and this isnt personal, never was
You wont be able to love him well, nurse him to well, bribe him well, beg him well or threaten him welland he somewhere will surely need to learn to love and care enough for himself to get well.
You could jump ahead, get to where many have had to for their sanity, for peace, for a chance at a most wonderful lifewhich btw is not contingent on what anyone around them is doing.Most seeking information on how to help, to understand in time find it was themselves they needed to understand and help
So I have questions
Are you taking care of you, sleeping, eating, meeting your responsibilities
Are you out and about with friends, enjoying life around.
Above good things.
Belowoh below shows where you might want to start looking at you and not him.
Are you in a constant state of worry, always wondering what he is doing, who he is with, if will be sick today, if will make work today ( does he work???), if he will run out of pillsor if he will be tapping this account or that to get them
Are you begging and bargaining, are you fixing mistakes, covering up for him with family, friends, his jobdo you lie for him, are you compromising yourself and your beliefs for him.
Are you making excuses for why he needs the pills..
Might it be ok if he took the pills as prescribedcause I am kinda freaked with the get the oxy out of his system so he can take something else for pain.hmmm as long at that something else isnt anything opiate based
Oh and pain at this point even real pain can not be gauge and wont be able to be gauged unless there is some clean time.
Are you in a constant state of worry, fear, obsessing and then letting your head run over and over into the next best gloom and doom scenario.
There is a lot to learn
CRASH COURSE.
You dont have to help him, he doesnt need your help, especially if it is that icky helpenablingas it keeps em sick.
You do though need to RUN, yes RUN with the presence of any violence, especially if you have children in the home.
You also have every right to leave or staybut neither will do much if there isnt work done on you to go along with whatever you decide. The work is not optional, it is the only way out and if you dont take the time, in time you will find yourself on a similar ride if you do leave
Boundaries are a good thing, ones create to keep you safe and peaceful, and ones created as to where you will not step over the line and take on what isnt yours and stop the learning
As mandm said there is a family board, might want to take a peek
Thanks for the responses. I have only been married 3 years. I was not aware of any of this before hand (I know) It started with alcohol abuse and now we have full blown addiction. No I am not taking care of my needs. I'm tired! I have never had a problem sleeping but find myself suffering from insomnia. I have no patience anymore. I never beleive a word he says to me anymore. Again, I have heard the promise of quitting and attending a re hab program. I don't even believe that. I need to save myself. I have two children, they are both older teens. Everyone has their own life and I'm left alone. I know I don't own this, I thought I owed my marriage a chance. I now see that there is nothing I can do.....time to move on so he can learn to take care of himself and not have me do it for him.....here goes everything!!
Love the addict, not the addiction. He's sick and although there is no cure, there is help in managing his disease. Yes, you have to take care of yourself first but understanding his disease will help you in making your descions. I would suggest Alanon for that.
Talking to 2 people on an internet board and then making a descion to throw it all away is not the best thing you could do. Get some face to face help.
Talking to 2 people on an internet board and then making a descion to throw it all away is not the best thing you could do. Get some face to face help.
Good call, Cowgirl. I had interpreted this to mean that she really had already made up her mind and was looking for some advice. I agree, one does not bail on a marriage without having looked at the big picture...but maybe she already has. No kids, financial ruin, maybe it's more than she signed up for...I know it's more than I would be okay with.
Peace ~ M&M
Peace ~ M&M
The lies, not personal, even with the truth they show. Protection hell yeah he will protect his addiction while active in it. Again this is not something that will be easy to understand.
The everyone has their own lives thing. Well they are suppose too, aren't they? The question though that comes into my mind is why don't you have your own? You don't have to sit home alone, you choose to, why....
That I thought I owed my marriage a chance...It isn't as simple as that for the marriage to survive you will have to work on you and he will have to work on him, and then there can be a chance at together. And as I said the first time if you don't work on you nothing at all will change anyway in the long run. It can not be about those changing around us ...If he just up and stopped using and went into treatment will that really fix you?
This is about change within, it is about understanding who we are. Many within addiction on either side honestly lost who they are in the madness....I call it letting oneself fall away. You need to find you, what you can't live without, what you refuse to live within. It has nothing to do with anyone else and never will.
I didn't leave. I couldn't find a reason too and hell I didn't know what I wanted anyway. So I worked on me....hmmm and I thought he was the problem. Nah, it was to easy to make it about him, once forced to look at me...well it was very enlightening.
The everyone has their own lives thing. Well they are suppose too, aren't they? The question though that comes into my mind is why don't you have your own? You don't have to sit home alone, you choose to, why....
That I thought I owed my marriage a chance...It isn't as simple as that for the marriage to survive you will have to work on you and he will have to work on him, and then there can be a chance at together. And as I said the first time if you don't work on you nothing at all will change anyway in the long run. It can not be about those changing around us ...If he just up and stopped using and went into treatment will that really fix you?
This is about change within, it is about understanding who we are. Many within addiction on either side honestly lost who they are in the madness....I call it letting oneself fall away. You need to find you, what you can't live without, what you refuse to live within. It has nothing to do with anyone else and never will.
I didn't leave. I couldn't find a reason too and hell I didn't know what I wanted anyway. So I worked on me....hmmm and I thought he was the problem. Nah, it was to easy to make it about him, once forced to look at me...well it was very enlightening.
I understood it different..her last post. That once she read what you and Tina wrote, she was "here goes everything".
It's so hard to know what's really going on with just a couple of posts but I hate to see marriages broken, kids thrown out etc until everything else is tried. Face to face is the only way to get to the bottom of that.
Addicts aren't evil people, we all know that. Just really sick and our loved ones deserve help. If no one had stuck it out with me, where would I be today?
It's so hard to know what's really going on with just a couple of posts but I hate to see marriages broken, kids thrown out etc until everything else is tried. Face to face is the only way to get to the bottom of that.
Addicts aren't evil people, we all know that. Just really sick and our loved ones deserve help. If no one had stuck it out with me, where would I be today?
Lisa, what's up, you ok...How's Jon...
I'm going through the same thing with my husband. Only he prefers Percocet. We have two children and this has been going on since my youngest son was born 5 years ago. When he was a month old my husband came home and told me he'd been fired and was hooked on pain pills. I understand addiction and I guess that's why I've hung in this long. But over the years of watching his time and money go to things other than his family, after years of taking blame for his problems, I still don't know what to do. He'd come and go, come and go, work out of state so he could send us a LITTLE bit of money and have his addiction too. I thought he was doing better but then the red flags started showing up. He left two weeks ago and hasn't even called. His entire family are doctor shoppers and pill dealers so I have no support from the people who are supposed to care about him. I feel totally alone in this. I've tried everything. EVERYTHING. I tried monitoring him 24-7, I've threatened dealers, I tried to accept it and let him do the pills in moderation but nothing has worked. I love him so much and so do our boys. I know he loves us too, but something about those pills are more powerful than anything. I feel like I'm getting a second chance and my kids are too, but we miss him. And I'm not going to lie, if he'd come home I'd probably let him. But that's life being co-dependant I guess. He's out there with people who don't truly care at all about him and I'm fighting the urge to find him. I've been doing this for so long I'm so tired and I feel like the attention his addiction gets is taking away from my kids. I still have no idea what to do.
It is tough to love someone who is lovable one moment and a monster the next. It is tough not to feel somehow responsible for their pain. It is tough not to give up your own life in support of a lost cause.
Honesty is the only defense in the domestic situation that involves the drug addict partner. Being a strong partner can not only save yourself and your partner but more importantly it will provide a redemptive role model for children in the family.
When one parent is disintegrating it is all the more important that children be able to look to the other parent for support. The addict creates a quasi reality that threatens to suck in every member of the family. The addict has lost contact with reality and is being ruled only by his or her need for the substance of addiction.
If the sober partner finds it too difficult to confront the drug addict he or she should be strong enough to recognize that and seek help from professionals outside of the little hell that is fast being created by the addictive behavior.
Drug addiction and abuse has the power to destroy a family forever. The best defense is to take it 100% seriously. This means admitting that the problem will not go away if you all conspire to ignore it. The best defense is to look the interloper straight in the eye and act to save every member of the family. Immediately. Do not wait for a catastrophe. Do not worry that you are over reacting. Trust your gut on this and get help.
Be honest when your partner can't or won't. Secrets will keep everyone involved sick. We are teachers of the next generation of addicts. A disease that will never go away or be cured simply because we wish it to. It's been around for thousands and thousands of years and will continue to be, what will be different is how we deal with it and teach the next generation how to deal with it.
Good luck and come back and tell us more.
Honesty is the only defense in the domestic situation that involves the drug addict partner. Being a strong partner can not only save yourself and your partner but more importantly it will provide a redemptive role model for children in the family.
When one parent is disintegrating it is all the more important that children be able to look to the other parent for support. The addict creates a quasi reality that threatens to suck in every member of the family. The addict has lost contact with reality and is being ruled only by his or her need for the substance of addiction.
If the sober partner finds it too difficult to confront the drug addict he or she should be strong enough to recognize that and seek help from professionals outside of the little hell that is fast being created by the addictive behavior.
Drug addiction and abuse has the power to destroy a family forever. The best defense is to take it 100% seriously. This means admitting that the problem will not go away if you all conspire to ignore it. The best defense is to look the interloper straight in the eye and act to save every member of the family. Immediately. Do not wait for a catastrophe. Do not worry that you are over reacting. Trust your gut on this and get help.
Be honest when your partner can't or won't. Secrets will keep everyone involved sick. We are teachers of the next generation of addicts. A disease that will never go away or be cured simply because we wish it to. It's been around for thousands and thousands of years and will continue to be, what will be different is how we deal with it and teach the next generation how to deal with it.
Good luck and come back and tell us more.
love the lips kee kee..understanding the husband? you wont, believe me..really there isnt much to understand when it comes down to it..if hes an addict, that comes first, he can give you lip service about how much he loves you, you love him, it is his actions that count, hell use until he decides not to, you will not have any imput in his decision....none, doing this with my son and to some small degree with my husband, being in denial,in help mode, in coverup mode, whatever, doesnt make any difference, make it about you and your children (if you have them) and your sanity..it is about you not him, that is the hardest thing to accept
