I guess I have been sitting here trying to get myself toghther. I am still in my pjs....bad sign.
Anyway, this job thing just really sucks. I talked to a lawyer today, and a suit for wrongful termination isn't likely. The director of HR slamming me for future job prospects is....even the lawyer said that. He said "your white....and she is japanese...right? you know how hawaii is. she can say whatever she wants to other people in other hr departments...this is a small island." I thought that was illegal. Damn scary if it is coming out of an attorney's mouth.
I did contact the Regional Director who used to be our GM, and he was super nice. He agreed to write me a letter of recomendation; and told me that besides the petty things, I was a good employee and always did a good job while he was our GM. That made me feel better.
Anyway, thoughts of getting norco are starting to come in. I am scared....I might have to sell my place and go. And, I have lived here for the better part of 16 years; starting over in the real world with three animals just has me damn scared.
I know I can ride this out...but I just really want to use. I haven't.
I guess this is a test. I am not giving up my time to that b****...but it sure sounds good to be numb....I am only able to remember the good right now about having a bottle with 240 yellow pills in it...
HELP!
Kerry
Kerry,
Sounds like the perfect time to get to a meeting - like NOW!!!
Please don't wait - remember this is your life on the line!!!
Addiction is evil and thoughts of using are like the devil himself!!!
I know you are going thru a rough time - but you are a survivor and will make it thru just fine - as long as you DO NOT PICK UP!!! Just one and you'll be done!!!
It's hard but not impossible
I will say a prayer for you right now
Strength girl .... you know you have it
And you have the strength & support of SOOOO many people here too!!!
<<<HUGS>>>
Sounds like the perfect time to get to a meeting - like NOW!!!
Please don't wait - remember this is your life on the line!!!
Addiction is evil and thoughts of using are like the devil himself!!!
I know you are going thru a rough time - but you are a survivor and will make it thru just fine - as long as you DO NOT PICK UP!!! Just one and you'll be done!!!
It's hard but not impossible
I will say a prayer for you right now
Strength girl .... you know you have it
And you have the strength & support of SOOOO many people here too!!!
<<<HUGS>>>
Hey Kerry,
I'm sorry about all the problems you are facing right now. Using isn't going to help any of it and you know that. You don't want to start counting your days again and go through the withdrawals again. Then the losing money to buy those pills when you need the money for other things right now, especially since you lost your job and you have kids.
Belive me, I know how you feel. I keep feeling the same way, feel like saying F*ck it. I get so frustrated with life too. You have to think about the kids and the money. Stay focused, you will need to get yourself out of that state right? Can't change things for the better if you're using. At least staying clean you will have a chance to make things better. Good luck to you. Hang in there Kerry. You can do it.
Love,
Liz
I'm sorry about all the problems you are facing right now. Using isn't going to help any of it and you know that. You don't want to start counting your days again and go through the withdrawals again. Then the losing money to buy those pills when you need the money for other things right now, especially since you lost your job and you have kids.
Belive me, I know how you feel. I keep feeling the same way, feel like saying F*ck it. I get so frustrated with life too. You have to think about the kids and the money. Stay focused, you will need to get yourself out of that state right? Can't change things for the better if you're using. At least staying clean you will have a chance to make things better. Good luck to you. Hang in there Kerry. You can do it.
Love,
Liz
Thanks, swizzle...even talking about it makes it go away...I just had to get it out.
*deep breath*
I am a survior....thanks for reminding me.
Kerry
*deep breath*
I am a survior....thanks for reminding me.
Kerry
You are so very welcome!! You are very strong!! :-)
I'm like that too - where once I vent I feel SO much better!!
That's another awesome part of the NA meetings that I love!!
Do you go to NA or AA meetings??
I fought against going to them for SOOOO long - now I really regret it cause I did not realize how awesome NA really is. I go to at least 7 meetings each week, sometimes even 9 or 10 if I can. I always had the excuse that I was too busy and did not have time (stressful job with lots of travel, 2 active kids, family obligations, chores, etc, etc, etc...) or any other excuse I could come up with.
Funny thing is, now I always seem to be able to make the time to go to meetings AND have time to read from my various NA books every day along with all the other million things in my life. And I feel LESS stressed!!!!
Pretty odd how I have gone the complete opposite way....
Best thing is, I have never felt better in my entire life - even before I was using drugs!!!!
NA has made such a difference!!!
I'm like that too - where once I vent I feel SO much better!!
That's another awesome part of the NA meetings that I love!!
Do you go to NA or AA meetings??
I fought against going to them for SOOOO long - now I really regret it cause I did not realize how awesome NA really is. I go to at least 7 meetings each week, sometimes even 9 or 10 if I can. I always had the excuse that I was too busy and did not have time (stressful job with lots of travel, 2 active kids, family obligations, chores, etc, etc, etc...) or any other excuse I could come up with.
Funny thing is, now I always seem to be able to make the time to go to meetings AND have time to read from my various NA books every day along with all the other million things in my life. And I feel LESS stressed!!!!
Pretty odd how I have gone the complete opposite way....
Best thing is, I have never felt better in my entire life - even before I was using drugs!!!!
NA has made such a difference!!!
Kerry,
I was just thinking about you and all the progress you have made in the past ... I don't know year or so. I see life moving you right now. I know it is scary and it is triggering you but there is so much more out there for you and life is now taking out in the open so you cannot play small anymore. You have something out there big in store for you and you can no longer hide. I am proud of you. In a way I am happy you are being forced to move forward. I see your strength and I know no matter what you are going to be alright. It isn't clear right now but it will be. Just keep moving and don't use. Keep yourself clear right now. Okay??? You can do this. It's all part of whatever the greater plan is for you. You are right where you are suppose to be. As strange and uncomfortable as it seems.
love,
pm
I was just thinking about you and all the progress you have made in the past ... I don't know year or so. I see life moving you right now. I know it is scary and it is triggering you but there is so much more out there for you and life is now taking out in the open so you cannot play small anymore. You have something out there big in store for you and you can no longer hide. I am proud of you. In a way I am happy you are being forced to move forward. I see your strength and I know no matter what you are going to be alright. It isn't clear right now but it will be. Just keep moving and don't use. Keep yourself clear right now. Okay??? You can do this. It's all part of whatever the greater plan is for you. You are right where you are suppose to be. As strange and uncomfortable as it seems.
love,
pm
Ditto what Liz said. You don't want to go back to the days of the yellow pills do you? That isn't going to give you true hapiness Kerry. Happiness comes from within and not when your high..That is false happiness and we know that doesn't last long. Before you would know it, you would be pissed at the world. Disappointed in yourself and have low self esteem.. It just isn't worth it all. You can only use for so long before you are sick and tired of being sick and tired again and then your back to square one kicking yourself in the a$$.. I am sorry things aren't going well for you right now. Life has a way of making things seem so bad then that can all change in 1 day. So with that said keep a postive, open mind and remember tomorrow is a new day! Hang in there Kerry..Rae
Ps.. Are you tapering off sub? How long have you been on it now and how many mgs are you on? I haven't heard you talk it in a while and I am just being nosey wanting to know if you plan to quit taking it anytime soon?
Ps.. Are you tapering off sub? How long have you been on it now and how many mgs are you on? I haven't heard you talk it in a while and I am just being nosey wanting to know if you plan to quit taking it anytime soon?
Swizzle, I went to my home group right before I met with HR. It is good to have some place to go. I should have gone yesterday.....but I was in the self pity mode. Where have you been?? I haven't seen you around in a while.
PM, you are right....it is time for huge change. It just scares the hell outa me...and that job was the last thing keeping me here. Now, I have to follow the suggestions and go.
I just don't like the feeling of no money coming in. That is scary.....and I get right back to the old coping mechanisms.
Rae, I am still on sub, 6 mgs, and now I have to taper off fast because I am losing my insurance really soon, and the sub is super expensive. So, I really can't use. I cut off all sources also, so to even find a way to use would be tough for me.....and that is the way I like it.
So, today I have to get out of the house. I better enjoy paradise while it is still my backyard.
Liz, how are things going?
Thanks..
Kerry
PM, you are right....it is time for huge change. It just scares the hell outa me...and that job was the last thing keeping me here. Now, I have to follow the suggestions and go.
I just don't like the feeling of no money coming in. That is scary.....and I get right back to the old coping mechanisms.
Rae, I am still on sub, 6 mgs, and now I have to taper off fast because I am losing my insurance really soon, and the sub is super expensive. So, I really can't use. I cut off all sources also, so to even find a way to use would be tough for me.....and that is the way I like it.
So, today I have to get out of the house. I better enjoy paradise while it is still my backyard.
Liz, how are things going?
Thanks..
Kerry
