Good morning everyone!
Just a little (depending on how much I babble on as I tend to do sometimes) update on my boyfriend and I's road to recovery.
I ordered a book that was recommended on here a few weeks ago called "Rebuilding Relationships in Recovery: A Guide to Healing Relationships Impacted by Addiction" by Catherine Patterson-Sterling, M.A.
I just started to read it and have only read up to page 50, but I wanted to say that it is a very interesting and helpful book for both the loved one of an addict as well as the addict themselves.
I bought it for myself initially and can already tell that it's going to be extremely helpful to me in understanding myself and my behaviours toward my addict as well as understanding his addiction and his behaviours in addiction as well as in recovery.
I told my boyfriend I was getting it and once I did, he wanted to see it. He flipped through and read a few parts and said that it looked like he should read it also and it could help him too. It is a book that is definitely written for both to read, but helpful to either if read on their own.
I also had gotten a book a few weeks ago called "Co-Dependency No More" and I can't remember who the author was, but I can't say I was very impressed by it. It did have some good points and suggestions in it, but it seemed to only focus on those few points and I didn't get as much out of it as I thought I would. But maybe that's just me.
I find this other book to be much better and much more informative and extremely helpful (and I'm only on Page 50!).
I'm excited to keep reading and I'm excited for my boyfriend to start reading it as well.
As far as how he is, he is still stuck in a depressive state and he's really finding it hard to snap out of it. He's starting on some really negative thinking patterns and "woe is me" and how he thought doing something so hard that would change his life for the better should have made his life better and happier. This is what he said last night. He's also had a lot of incidents where he just loses it in a bit of a rage and it happens really fast. It's not at me or anything (very rarely anyway) - it's actually mostly at Playstation games or the pets bugging him or something on TV. Silly little things. I started worrying about him relapsing because of these behaviours and thought patterns, but I know I can't and have to stay detached.
There was parts of this type of behaviour already listed in this new book I got so I'm going to show him these parts tonight after work. I don't know if it will help, but it might show him that he is doing classic addict thinking patterns and there are ways to change that and that if he doesn't, he's just setting himself up for a relapse (that came from the book).
Today from work, he texted me about what can he do to stop his outbursts and be happy again.
I told him that he has to start focusing and thinking of all of the positives in his life and maybe try setting some goals (just small ones) to acheive for himself so that he can start to feel better about himself, etc.
He thought that that made sense (the goals part) and started talking about how he wanted to join a gym and start working out and that could help him in a few ways. He hasn't been feeling good about his appearance either. That's part of the negative thinking as well as the fact that he has gained some weight (he was very skinny before because of his drug use). And believe me, he really doesn't have any "extra" weight on him. He has a great body. I think he's just so used to being extra skinny. I just joined the YMCA and now I think he is going to join with me.
So at least he is trying to get out of it and he is talking about his feelings and realizes that there is a problem and thanks me for being so patient with him and realizes his attitude and behaviours can have an effect on me (even though I have never said a thing to him about it). So at least I know he's working through it.
Also, he had a drug dream the other night which he hasn't had in a while and that certainly didn't help. He admitted to me that he woke up jonesing from it, but was able to deal with it and was OK later in the day.
I told him from what I read on this site, this was completely normal and would happen every once in awhile.
So that's my update. I would recommend that book to everyone on this site and I hope everyone is having a good day!
Thanks for reading and take care,
Mickey
Thanks for the update Mickey. I think I might just have to go get that book..I wonder if my bookstore has one. I'm still going through an awful time only because my bf has decided he feels its necessary to punish me for his losing his job. He refuses to tell me his new job and say I have to just "ride this one out" and to "trust him". I couldn't believe those words came out of his mouth! He's making me out to be the one in the wrong but I KNOW I'm not! He thinks he's punishing me?? He keeps calling on his breaks (no caller ID so I don't know where he is) and saying how much he misses me and wants to see me. He asks to see me and I asked him are you going to be honest with me? He says no, and I say I can't see him. Thats how its going to be I guess.,
Glad to hear that your boyfriend is still doing his best to stay clean..at least theres some hope for some addicts out there!
Glad to hear that your boyfriend is still doing his best to stay clean..at least theres some hope for some addicts out there!
Hi Kittycat:
Sorry to hear that he is being such a boob. Have you checked out the website that somone recommended in another post called www.crackreality.com?
I checked it out - wow. It talks a lot about exactly what your boyfriend's behaviours are. It even says to get their work involved and not to feel guilty or bad about doing that!!
I was curious to see if you checked it out or not.
He has to accept the responsibility for his actions Kittycat - not you!! It's just their way of wearing you down and avoiding accepting that responsibility for themselves. Their addiction and everything that happens to them is always somebody else's fault. Never theirs. And until they realize it is their responsibility and their fault, it will never change and they will never get better.
About the book - I had to order it from Amazon.ca because I couldn't find it in the bookstores around me. I don't know if you have Chapters and Indigo stores out there in Edmonton, but even they didn't have it and they are huge.
I love ordering off of Amazon though. They are very quick usually and you just use your VISA. This book took about 2-3 weeks to come in though. They usually ship books within a day or two so this must be a hard to find book that isn't kept in stock.
I don't know why though - it is great.
Good luck finding it! Let me know if you end up getting it.
Mickey
Sorry to hear that he is being such a boob. Have you checked out the website that somone recommended in another post called www.crackreality.com?
I checked it out - wow. It talks a lot about exactly what your boyfriend's behaviours are. It even says to get their work involved and not to feel guilty or bad about doing that!!
I was curious to see if you checked it out or not.
He has to accept the responsibility for his actions Kittycat - not you!! It's just their way of wearing you down and avoiding accepting that responsibility for themselves. Their addiction and everything that happens to them is always somebody else's fault. Never theirs. And until they realize it is their responsibility and their fault, it will never change and they will never get better.
About the book - I had to order it from Amazon.ca because I couldn't find it in the bookstores around me. I don't know if you have Chapters and Indigo stores out there in Edmonton, but even they didn't have it and they are huge.
I love ordering off of Amazon though. They are very quick usually and you just use your VISA. This book took about 2-3 weeks to come in though. They usually ship books within a day or two so this must be a hard to find book that isn't kept in stock.
I don't know why though - it is great.
Good luck finding it! Let me know if you end up getting it.
Mickey
Thanks Mickey I really do want to get this book...I am going to call Chapters since its a few blocks from where I live and find out..if not, if you don't mind me asking just cause cash is very limited with me right now..how much was the book on Visa including shipping?
Hi
With taxes and shipping included, it came to a grand total of $35.08.
I was surprised considering it's usually cheaper to ship from Amazon because there's usually a discounted price from them, but there was no discounted price on this book.
But it's well worth it I think (so far anyway!!).
Good luck in finding it! Let me know if you do!
Take care,
Mickey
With taxes and shipping included, it came to a grand total of $35.08.
I was surprised considering it's usually cheaper to ship from Amazon because there's usually a discounted price from them, but there was no discounted price on this book.
But it's well worth it I think (so far anyway!!).
Good luck in finding it! Let me know if you do!
Take care,
Mickey
Hi Mickey and Kittycat
I got the book and am on page 50 also. It is helping me understand a lot about my bf's addiction and what he is going through in recovery. The constellation of behaviors is real interesting so far.
Kittycat, I do recommend this book. It is good so far! Hope it can help us all cope with our decisions in life as to whether to stay with an addict or not. I am really still debating it.
I got the book and am on page 50 also. It is helping me understand a lot about my bf's addiction and what he is going through in recovery. The constellation of behaviors is real interesting so far.
Kittycat, I do recommend this book. It is good so far! Hope it can help us all cope with our decisions in life as to whether to stay with an addict or not. I am really still debating it.
Thanks Cajun and Mickey! I called Chapters, they've never heard of the book! So I think I may have to look it up on Amazon..
I'll let you know if I find it!!
I'll let you know if I find it!!
Hi Mickey
It was great to hear your update - i'm happy your boyfriend is doing well, and it's good that he comes to you for help and you can support him... and it's brilliant that you are reading those books - i haven't read the melodie beattie one (i'm waiting to recieve it - i got it from amazon online it cost me 9.00 with shipping that's i think just over $6? ) but i have read another codependant book that a friend gave me years ago, it's true they are extremeley helpful.... i might look in to getting that other one you mentioned but there was mixed views on that from amazon reviews oh well.... oh and i just wanted to mention that my hubby also used to get the anger bursts which is actually quite funny because by nature he is very gentle! obviously their emotions are all mixed up and they have to learn to deal with them it takes time and they too have to learn to know their limits.... the depression side is really difficult and my hubby also said that after where he'd come from he should now be happy! but they have really interferred with their brain chemistry - books on depression are also very helpful - have you looked at the natural medicine info on this site? it may help...my...i think i'll give him a name!! Cat (name 4 hubby!!) now sees my herbalist after a long time of persuasion from me....and it's going well....right i must be off now but i just wanted to wish you both all the best take care love molly..
It was great to hear your update - i'm happy your boyfriend is doing well, and it's good that he comes to you for help and you can support him... and it's brilliant that you are reading those books - i haven't read the melodie beattie one (i'm waiting to recieve it - i got it from amazon online it cost me 9.00 with shipping that's i think just over $6? ) but i have read another codependant book that a friend gave me years ago, it's true they are extremeley helpful.... i might look in to getting that other one you mentioned but there was mixed views on that from amazon reviews oh well.... oh and i just wanted to mention that my hubby also used to get the anger bursts which is actually quite funny because by nature he is very gentle! obviously their emotions are all mixed up and they have to learn to deal with them it takes time and they too have to learn to know their limits.... the depression side is really difficult and my hubby also said that after where he'd come from he should now be happy! but they have really interferred with their brain chemistry - books on depression are also very helpful - have you looked at the natural medicine info on this site? it may help...my...i think i'll give him a name!! Cat (name 4 hubby!!) now sees my herbalist after a long time of persuasion from me....and it's going well....right i must be off now but i just wanted to wish you both all the best take care love molly..
Thanks Molly!
Actually, I found an interesting website (it's the GNC Health Food Store website - GNC is a health food store here in North America) and it had a lot of information on depression and what natural remedies might help. I posted the link on the Depression thread on this board if anyone is interested.
St. John's Wort was highly recommended and it was even said that in studies, it seems to work even better than Paxil or Prozac (I can't remember which one off-hand).
Anyway, I picked some up on my way home from work yesterday and he's going to start taking it to try it and see if it helps. He's also joining my gym with me so I think the exercise will also help boost his mood and energy and feelings about himself so it's looking up!
He was in a much better mood last night and I think that's because he has made some goals/plans for himself.
Thanks for the post and take care!
Mickey
Actually, I found an interesting website (it's the GNC Health Food Store website - GNC is a health food store here in North America) and it had a lot of information on depression and what natural remedies might help. I posted the link on the Depression thread on this board if anyone is interested.
St. John's Wort was highly recommended and it was even said that in studies, it seems to work even better than Paxil or Prozac (I can't remember which one off-hand).
Anyway, I picked some up on my way home from work yesterday and he's going to start taking it to try it and see if it helps. He's also joining my gym with me so I think the exercise will also help boost his mood and energy and feelings about himself so it's looking up!
He was in a much better mood last night and I think that's because he has made some goals/plans for himself.
Thanks for the post and take care!
Mickey
Hi Mickey,
I am so glad that you posted the update. I read it when it first went up but the stomach bug hit the house and it has taken me forever to catch up at home let alone the board.....
I will be ordering that book you mentioned, it sounds like something that would help to keep our relationship strong.....
I think that him going the Y with you may help with the depression......but I would ask him if he felt a visit to the doctor may be in order. I know that you are looking into more natural remedies, and I can't say blame you for that, but don't discount antidepressants.......He may need one, many with opiate addiction are helped by them. Let me know to about that stuff you were looking into, I forgot the name.......
Time for all of us seems to be what will help the most. Time for them to readjust and re focus thier lives, time for us to take back ours and together as time keeps passing hopefully they will still be drug free, we will have understood and be focused on our roles and things will just slowly move on toward brighter and even more happier days.....
You take care and I know somewhere on this computer I have some stuff on herbal meds and things about depression.....If I find anything good I will email it to you......
Love,
Tina
I am so glad that you posted the update. I read it when it first went up but the stomach bug hit the house and it has taken me forever to catch up at home let alone the board.....
I will be ordering that book you mentioned, it sounds like something that would help to keep our relationship strong.....
I think that him going the Y with you may help with the depression......but I would ask him if he felt a visit to the doctor may be in order. I know that you are looking into more natural remedies, and I can't say blame you for that, but don't discount antidepressants.......He may need one, many with opiate addiction are helped by them. Let me know to about that stuff you were looking into, I forgot the name.......
Time for all of us seems to be what will help the most. Time for them to readjust and re focus thier lives, time for us to take back ours and together as time keeps passing hopefully they will still be drug free, we will have understood and be focused on our roles and things will just slowly move on toward brighter and even more happier days.....
You take care and I know somewhere on this computer I have some stuff on herbal meds and things about depression.....If I find anything good I will email it to you......
Love,
Tina
Hi Tina!
Did you have a good weekend? We pretty much did nothing! Those weekends are always good. Very relaxing anyway!
On Friday, he joined the gym. He has his program assessment appointment on Tuesday night and he's pretty excited to start. He really wants to get in shape for Summer.
I found the natural remedy I was looking for. It was called HTP-5 or 5-HTP or something, but after looking some stuff up on the internet, I came across a site which I put a link to on the Depression thread which listed all the natural remedies for depression and what works for which types and the interactions and side effects. It was really informative - check it out.
If you can't find it, let me know and I will just link it again. Anyway, my boyfriend has started taking St. John's Wort, but he's been feeling better anyway. I think that's because he's starting to do things for himself (like the working out, etc.). But he's still taking it to see if it helps.
We watched a new show last night on A&E called "Intervention". It's a new show confronting people with their addictions. It was very interesting.
It is about people who agree to do a documentary on their lives and their addictions, but they do not know that they are going to be facing an intervention with their friends and family as a result of it.
Last night, the premiere was two people with drug addictions. One was a cocaine addict and one was a pain pills (morphine) and pretty much everything else addict. My boyfriend could really relate to her. Anyway, when we were watching it, he was making comments about how she was using her addiction as a scapegoat for things and blaming everything and everyone else on her addiction and a few other things. I was surprised as I thought he would side with her on at least a few things. It just showed me how far his thinking had come and I was sort of relieved. I was a little nervous at first to watch the show with him because I didn't know how he would react, but I was pleasantly surprised.
Anyway, it was a pretty good show. Both the addicts in the show accepted the rehab offered to them and apparently, they have both been clean for approximately 180 days or so since. They both went to rehab for 90 days.
The more I read that book I recommended, the more I think it's a great book for both the loved ones of addicts (which I think it was mostly written for) as well as the addict. It is very informative and eye-opening. I would definitely suggest it!
How's your back been doing by the way? Hope everything is well with you and you had a good weekend!
Take care,
Mickey
Did you have a good weekend? We pretty much did nothing! Those weekends are always good. Very relaxing anyway!
On Friday, he joined the gym. He has his program assessment appointment on Tuesday night and he's pretty excited to start. He really wants to get in shape for Summer.
I found the natural remedy I was looking for. It was called HTP-5 or 5-HTP or something, but after looking some stuff up on the internet, I came across a site which I put a link to on the Depression thread which listed all the natural remedies for depression and what works for which types and the interactions and side effects. It was really informative - check it out.
If you can't find it, let me know and I will just link it again. Anyway, my boyfriend has started taking St. John's Wort, but he's been feeling better anyway. I think that's because he's starting to do things for himself (like the working out, etc.). But he's still taking it to see if it helps.
We watched a new show last night on A&E called "Intervention". It's a new show confronting people with their addictions. It was very interesting.
It is about people who agree to do a documentary on their lives and their addictions, but they do not know that they are going to be facing an intervention with their friends and family as a result of it.
Last night, the premiere was two people with drug addictions. One was a cocaine addict and one was a pain pills (morphine) and pretty much everything else addict. My boyfriend could really relate to her. Anyway, when we were watching it, he was making comments about how she was using her addiction as a scapegoat for things and blaming everything and everyone else on her addiction and a few other things. I was surprised as I thought he would side with her on at least a few things. It just showed me how far his thinking had come and I was sort of relieved. I was a little nervous at first to watch the show with him because I didn't know how he would react, but I was pleasantly surprised.
Anyway, it was a pretty good show. Both the addicts in the show accepted the rehab offered to them and apparently, they have both been clean for approximately 180 days or so since. They both went to rehab for 90 days.
The more I read that book I recommended, the more I think it's a great book for both the loved ones of addicts (which I think it was mostly written for) as well as the addict. It is very informative and eye-opening. I would definitely suggest it!
How's your back been doing by the way? Hope everything is well with you and you had a good weekend!
Take care,
Mickey
Hey Mickey,
I see that I jumped back on at a good time.....I needed a break from cleaning, ok I'm procrastinating....lol
Well we had a good weekend even though we were mostly stuck home cause of the stomach virus. The kids and I had fun being trapped in the house, playing video games and trying to decide who had it the worst.......We all were kinda forced to stay close to home.....But it was nice not running here and there and spending sometime with the older ones who usally bale on us for friends......
My back was ok, but since I got sick it has been bothering me again. I talked to the docs and all I have to do is call and they will set me up with an MRI. I would rather not know right now, but I have some great exercises that the hubby does and they help.....It could be so many things causing it but I bet sleeping on the couch for the past few days didn't help.....Didn't want the hubby to get it.......
I will look for the link, I am sure I will find it.....And I am so mad that I missed the intervention show. I really don't watch to much TV, but now that I know it is on I will be looking out for it. I had my nose buried in a book last night....
I am glad that you guys had a great weekend.....the relaxing ones are the best. And I see that he is doing the gym thing now, thats nice cause then you both have something good for you to each do and you get to do it together.....Makes going easier when you have someone with you......
I have a site I want you to check out.....There is a great brain system checklist on it (toward the top in the second blue line)....I know you don't have a computer at home but I think the test would help your bf figure out if he is really depressed.....There may be a way you could print it and then enter the answers another day. If nothing else it was fun to take. The whole site is on the brain....It is really cool. And has some pictures of what an addicts brain looks like, thing like that.......
Well I am off to the other thread and will be leaving more there. Let me know what you think of the site, even has the differences between the male an female brains.....
You take care........
Tina
http://www.brainplace.com/bp/default.asp
I see that I jumped back on at a good time.....I needed a break from cleaning, ok I'm procrastinating....lol
Well we had a good weekend even though we were mostly stuck home cause of the stomach virus. The kids and I had fun being trapped in the house, playing video games and trying to decide who had it the worst.......We all were kinda forced to stay close to home.....But it was nice not running here and there and spending sometime with the older ones who usally bale on us for friends......
My back was ok, but since I got sick it has been bothering me again. I talked to the docs and all I have to do is call and they will set me up with an MRI. I would rather not know right now, but I have some great exercises that the hubby does and they help.....It could be so many things causing it but I bet sleeping on the couch for the past few days didn't help.....Didn't want the hubby to get it.......
I will look for the link, I am sure I will find it.....And I am so mad that I missed the intervention show. I really don't watch to much TV, but now that I know it is on I will be looking out for it. I had my nose buried in a book last night....
I am glad that you guys had a great weekend.....the relaxing ones are the best. And I see that he is doing the gym thing now, thats nice cause then you both have something good for you to each do and you get to do it together.....Makes going easier when you have someone with you......
I have a site I want you to check out.....There is a great brain system checklist on it (toward the top in the second blue line)....I know you don't have a computer at home but I think the test would help your bf figure out if he is really depressed.....There may be a way you could print it and then enter the answers another day. If nothing else it was fun to take. The whole site is on the brain....It is really cool. And has some pictures of what an addicts brain looks like, thing like that.......
Well I am off to the other thread and will be leaving more there. Let me know what you think of the site, even has the differences between the male an female brains.....
You take care........
Tina
http://www.brainplace.com/bp/default.asp