I don't need any advice but I felt like I should give you all an update since I haven't posted in awhile and also there are new people that come to this page all the time and it may help them in some way.
So, it's been almost a month and a half since my son got kicked out of rehab for repeatedly not following rules. His dad and I wouldn't make the 4 hour car ride to pick him up since, by getting kicked out of rehab, he broke the conditions of his recovery court program. He ended up getting a cousin to come pick him up. When we talked to him, we told him that he should get in touch with his recovery court officer, but he didn't. Within a few days bench warrants were issued. The prosecuting attorney sent them to our house since our son uses this address for mail. He will now be sentenced for two different felony charges...eventually.
After being clean for over 5 months, he went right back to heroin. I don't pretend to know what it's like to be a heroin addict but I did smoke cigarettes for over 20 years and quit. There have been several times that I wanted to smoke again but didn't. So I don't get why you'd let yourself give in to something that's going to kill you instead of going a couple blocks down the road to a NA meeting.
A couple weeks ago he od'd and was given two doses of Narcan by the addicts that he stays with. The girl there had it on hand from her parents because she od'd a few months ago. They called 911 when the second dose didn't work right away. My son came to and found out they called 911 and he left the scene. He called me a couple hours later because he had made his way to a fast food place and said the friends said he couldn't stay there anymore. I told him I'd give him a ride somewhere but it wasn't going to be to my house. I ended up dropping him at another friends house. Anyway, he is still going over to the other place he was staying so I guess they're ok with him being there again.
He has texted me and asked me for money several times. I say no every time but he still tries again the next time. In the past couple days it's been, "I need some money for some subs so I can get clean and figure stuff out". I said, "if you can find money for heroin, you can find money for subs". I don't think he really is wanting to get clean. He's just saying this to attempt to get some money from me. I just keep saying no.
I've told him on more than one occasion that he should turn himself in. His response is that it'll be the same if he turns himself in or they catch him and bring him in on the warrants. Of course, I disagree but he may be right at this point, now that it's been so long.
I feel pretty detached. I have been able to read his texts, say no and then go about my life. I have taken him a couple burgers one day and I've taken him to the laundry mat to do his load of clothes but that's it and I feel ok about it.
What I would say to anyone new here or struggling. My 30 year old son is a heroin addict. He's been abusing drugs and alcohol more than half his life. He has been incarcerated, he has been to rehab, he has od'd, he has lived on the street, he has two parents that have been married for 31 years and have tried numerous things throughout the years....and he's still an addict...still using.... It's out of our hands and completely in his. We can't save him. It doesn't matter how much we love him, it won't fix him.
Fighting against it and spending all of your waking hours trying to figure out what to do will only make you as sick as your loved one. I feel at peace for the most part and now that I have it, I won't give it up.
Hugs to all you moms (and dads)!
Shell - thank you for sharing. You are doing the right thing. I am glad you have gotten to this point. my husband and I got to this point also. where our only response was - go to sober living or live on the street - we cant throw more $$ at this problem. he did not want to go to sober living. but said he could not get out of his situation on his own. our son did go to live w his sister and is clean for 3 months. he recently has a job - for the past few weeks. so now with $$ in his hands, he has to learn to live w money and no drugs. hopefully he can. its too early to tell. since we have turned the corner on not enabling, it will be easier to say no - if he does call for $$ - we now have the Handbook and know what to say. he needs to feel the success or failure of his actions.
He called to tell us about the job, but not since. we do not call him. we would like to hear "everything's great", but dont want to hear "everything sucks" - so it is best we dont call...
PS - same words - when our son was using he would always leave me a message or start out with "I have to figure something out..... call me back" (Yeah - figure out how to get more $$ from me - he knows I was the problem solver)
At this point, progress is slow. a week feels like a month went by... it helps for me to keep reading here. it reinforces that we have done the right things, and keeps me prepared for the future. my husband and I have also been shifting focus on us. we plan on retiring and moving in a few years and tell our son - there's no reason to come back here.
to Lynn - I also uncover a 'blast from the past' when looking thru my son's stuff, or getting a collections notice in the mail. when I realize that my son was lying about something - it reinforces that he did know what he was doing, and I was duped. It feels hurtful, but also gives me awareness. Knowing that I unconditionally did what I thought was best at the time, helps me to be at peace.
aside - one of the times my son was in sober living, he was approved for store credit card and bought $2000 worth of stuff. at the time I did not know this - not until many months later when there were collections phone calls -- at the time, the staff at the sober living implied that I was enabling him too much - I was only giving $20 here and there. I was confused. After putting the pieces together a year later, I realize the staff saw him with new stuff and thought I was giving him too much $$. !! And - even though he had a job for 6 months - he did not make payments on what he owed.... not my circus..... luckily it is not tied to me in any way.
He called to tell us about the job, but not since. we do not call him. we would like to hear "everything's great", but dont want to hear "everything sucks" - so it is best we dont call...
PS - same words - when our son was using he would always leave me a message or start out with "I have to figure something out..... call me back" (Yeah - figure out how to get more $$ from me - he knows I was the problem solver)
At this point, progress is slow. a week feels like a month went by... it helps for me to keep reading here. it reinforces that we have done the right things, and keeps me prepared for the future. my husband and I have also been shifting focus on us. we plan on retiring and moving in a few years and tell our son - there's no reason to come back here.
to Lynn - I also uncover a 'blast from the past' when looking thru my son's stuff, or getting a collections notice in the mail. when I realize that my son was lying about something - it reinforces that he did know what he was doing, and I was duped. It feels hurtful, but also gives me awareness. Knowing that I unconditionally did what I thought was best at the time, helps me to be at peace.
aside - one of the times my son was in sober living, he was approved for store credit card and bought $2000 worth of stuff. at the time I did not know this - not until many months later when there were collections phone calls -- at the time, the staff at the sober living implied that I was enabling him too much - I was only giving $20 here and there. I was confused. After putting the pieces together a year later, I realize the staff saw him with new stuff and thought I was giving him too much $$. !! And - even though he had a job for 6 months - he did not make payments on what he owed.... not my circus..... luckily it is not tied to me in any way.
Shell and NY--
You guys are absolutely doing the right thing! I know I am finally doing it too! I only wish I would have found this board and support from everyone years ago so I would have stopped enabling way back when. I certainly would have been able to have a lot more money for retirement--lol!
It isn't easy but we all know what we must do just like our addicts know what they need to do too!
I pray for you guys and for Paula with her struggles she is facing right now. Keep posting here cause it helps all of us and reinforces that we are doing the right thing!
((((HUGS to YOU Sweet Mamas)))) Lori
You guys are absolutely doing the right thing! I know I am finally doing it too! I only wish I would have found this board and support from everyone years ago so I would have stopped enabling way back when. I certainly would have been able to have a lot more money for retirement--lol!
It isn't easy but we all know what we must do just like our addicts know what they need to do too!
I pray for you guys and for Paula with her struggles she is facing right now. Keep posting here cause it helps all of us and reinforces that we are doing the right thing!
((((HUGS to YOU Sweet Mamas)))) Lori
Ny--my son got a $2000 car title loan with no job! They are sending me late notices and repo threats! I told them to quit harassing me and that they screwed up giving a drug addict with no job a loan!
Can't believe what they will do or extremes they will go to in order to get money!
(((HUGS))) Lori
Can't believe what they will do or extremes they will go to in order to get money!
(((HUGS))) Lori
Shell,
Just checking on you, and hoping you are doing ok. It's tough to finally throw in the towel and let your child try to figured it out.
Which I hear all the time when he does call me! Still trying to figure things out mom. Still trying to get ahead mom'
If I had a dollar for everytime I heard that, or I have been clean a year mom! It is what it is anymore.
I hope your son finally hits that bottom that will make him want to get clean. I know my son never will. As long as he is not hurting anyone, or begging me for something I have to let him go. I miss the boy but I sure do NOT miss the drama. Life is easier now. Nights are still a struggle, some days are great, others a little sad. I try to hide it from my family and friends always smiling, but deep inside I worry constantly. Will it ever go away? probably not, but at this moment in time he is not using emotional blackmail. He understands now there will be nothing coming from me.
I wish the same for you, that your son will understand he is on his own if he continues to be an addict.
xxx
Sue
Just checking on you, and hoping you are doing ok. It's tough to finally throw in the towel and let your child try to figured it out.
Which I hear all the time when he does call me! Still trying to figure things out mom. Still trying to get ahead mom'
If I had a dollar for everytime I heard that, or I have been clean a year mom! It is what it is anymore.
I hope your son finally hits that bottom that will make him want to get clean. I know my son never will. As long as he is not hurting anyone, or begging me for something I have to let him go. I miss the boy but I sure do NOT miss the drama. Life is easier now. Nights are still a struggle, some days are great, others a little sad. I try to hide it from my family and friends always smiling, but deep inside I worry constantly. Will it ever go away? probably not, but at this moment in time he is not using emotional blackmail. He understands now there will be nothing coming from me.
I wish the same for you, that your son will understand he is on his own if he continues to be an addict.
xxx
Sue
Shell nobody wants to get locked up and trowed in prison of course and when you use of course you are scared knowing you will go trough withdrawal so delaying it seems the best idea and probably he has plan os stopping drugs and getting clean first then handing himself in but days/weeks/months goes so quickly and plan is only plan ... unfortunately ! I kindly disagree that is the same coming in on his own or been apprehended by police .. i think judge will look more kindly on him and situacion he created if he goes in and say i am here , done mistake and i am so sorry .. as you said yourself he is 30 yo but don't forget thanks to drugs he never really developed as he should, mentally probably he is 18, 19 y.o. You know you cant fix him and the best you can do is look after your husband and yourself as you are doing already. All the best!
NyToFlorida I didn't know your son is doing so well, I am really glad for your sake and those who are /was affected by his addiction. I understand you cant relax or think this is it ,he is getting better but as long as he don't give up fight its good ... problem is when people give up struggling against addiction , when they don't care any longer , when they think clean life is impossible.
Lori about bailiffs (as we call them in UK ) as long as you did not sign any papers to do with your son loan they an do absolutely nothing, they cant enter your home or remove any goods ,, don't let them intimidate you ever!
NyToFlorida I didn't know your son is doing so well, I am really glad for your sake and those who are /was affected by his addiction. I understand you cant relax or think this is it ,he is getting better but as long as he don't give up fight its good ... problem is when people give up struggling against addiction , when they don't care any longer , when they think clean life is impossible.
Lori about bailiffs (as we call them in UK ) as long as you did not sign any papers to do with your son loan they an do absolutely nothing, they cant enter your home or remove any goods ,, don't let them intimidate you ever!
Thank you ladies for your support!
Yes Bonnie, I agree with you, it probably would look better to the judge if he turned himself in and explained but it's his decision. You're right again, he does probably have the mentality of an 18 year old. All the tools and help are there for him when he decides he wants it.
Thanks again.
Yes Bonnie, I agree with you, it probably would look better to the judge if he turned himself in and explained but it's his decision. You're right again, he does probably have the mentality of an 18 year old. All the tools and help are there for him when he decides he wants it.
Thanks again.
Bonnie--
No we aren't enabling anymore and we did not sign anything or even know he took out a car title loan until he started asking everyone for money to make a payment. That was three months ago. We haven't heard a word from him since.
Only reason they contacted us about the loan was because he used our address and phone no.
Lori
No we aren't enabling anymore and we did not sign anything or even know he took out a car title loan until he started asking everyone for money to make a payment. That was three months ago. We haven't heard a word from him since.
Only reason they contacted us about the loan was because he used our address and phone no.
Lori
