Hey everyone. It's been a little while since i posted on this board and for some it may seem like I have disappeared. I haven't, I've just been busy and going through some growing pains I suppose. It's been a very difficult three months for myself.
I went to court once for the DUI arrest in September, but was scheduled for a new date in October, which is on Tuesday. I am worried, but have a lawyer, who has assured me that there will be no jail time, rather, a hefty fine and a reduced sentence to DWAI, which is a lesser formed of DUI that is in the state of Colorado. Surely, my insurance will go up, but I can handle that. My expenses are not too much, but being a student makes it difficult to plan without finances being put into consideration.
My primary concerns is whether or not I can get about my life without alcohol. I have had major depressive episodes throughout most of my teenage years and into my early twenties. I am only 21, but believe me, it feels like it has been a long expanse of time with shadows of darkness and relentless ghosts haunting my life. I have tried multiple medications in the past for depression, but gave up on them while living in Brazil last year. I couldn't handle the side-effects anymore. Currently I am in therapy and have found an excellent therapist, but I wonder how I can find long term solutions for this problem. I went to AA, but I couldn't picture myself there. My drinking usually starts with depression, then binging, and then bringing myself together for Monday morning when I have to be presentable and professional. I can go months without drinking, but when I decide to, it can be powerful.
I am currently 9 weeks clean from any mind-altering substance, with the exception of the copious amounts of caffeine I consume. I have been able to work on my insomnia and depression, but life is terribly difficult for me right now. I can't picture happiness in the future anymore.
I am just going about my days, school, work, internship, clubs, family, friends, and so on with the dismal idea that perhaps there will be some good in the future, but as of now I am paralyzed.
Hi there, so meetings aren't for you, perhaps then, just read the first 164 pages of the book of Alcoholics Anonymous...the Big Book as it is referred to...see if you can identify with any of it...I've found a solution in those pages. I no longer am depressed and enjoy life pretty much despite what's going on around me. Best of luck to you.
Hey wantingbetter i wouldn't write the meetings off just yet, give them a go when your outlook on things is a bit brighter. How many did you go to?
I used to get depressed, binge, then more depressed and more often near the end of drinking suicidal thoughts and plans etc
Recovery gave me an identity and the meetings supplied me with the tools to grow as a person.
Whatever you decide keep talking about everything that is going on for you to someone
Light and love Zac
I used to get depressed, binge, then more depressed and more often near the end of drinking suicidal thoughts and plans etc
Recovery gave me an identity and the meetings supplied me with the tools to grow as a person.
Whatever you decide keep talking about everything that is going on for you to someone
Light and love Zac
Hi Wanting:
I went to my first AA meeting when I was 21 and I, for the life of me, could not imagine that my life had come to this. That I would be imprisoned in the rooms of AA for the rest of my life. What a sentence! I continued to drink, use drugs, feel horrible about myself to once again return to the rooms of AA, hopeless and beat down. This cycle went on for over a year until one day after sitting in those damn smoke filled rooms of AA (it was the 80's), the light went on. These people were laughing, smiling and living life. I started to look at the similarities and not the differences. In the beginning of my journey I would pick out all of the reasons I did not belong there. I would focus on the "holy rollers" and the "kooks" and know that I was entirely too cool to be there. Or that I wasn't "that bad." The truth was, if I continued doing it "my way," I would stay in this endless cycle of depression, obsession to use and ultimately using because I had no defense. I needed "tools" and I needed a "solution." I found both of those in the rooms of AA. I quickly learned that drinking and using drugs were not my problem. They were my solution. Living life on life's terms was my problem.
I am very grateful for the rooms of AA and the people of Alcoholics Anonymous because without them I would be dying today instead of living.
Rachel
I went to my first AA meeting when I was 21 and I, for the life of me, could not imagine that my life had come to this. That I would be imprisoned in the rooms of AA for the rest of my life. What a sentence! I continued to drink, use drugs, feel horrible about myself to once again return to the rooms of AA, hopeless and beat down. This cycle went on for over a year until one day after sitting in those damn smoke filled rooms of AA (it was the 80's), the light went on. These people were laughing, smiling and living life. I started to look at the similarities and not the differences. In the beginning of my journey I would pick out all of the reasons I did not belong there. I would focus on the "holy rollers" and the "kooks" and know that I was entirely too cool to be there. Or that I wasn't "that bad." The truth was, if I continued doing it "my way," I would stay in this endless cycle of depression, obsession to use and ultimately using because I had no defense. I needed "tools" and I needed a "solution." I found both of those in the rooms of AA. I quickly learned that drinking and using drugs were not my problem. They were my solution. Living life on life's terms was my problem.
I am very grateful for the rooms of AA and the people of Alcoholics Anonymous because without them I would be dying today instead of living.
Rachel
I suppose I wrote this "update" entry to receive some consolation, real, feigned, anything.
I am just a string away.
I am just a string away.
There is hope for a better future...it's not a promise that life will always be great or worry free but there is hope to becoming a person who can deal with life...I was where you are at about 20 years ago...19, drunk, depressed, suicidal...I went to AA and worked a program and I went to therapy...I struggled with depression for years...slowly as I began to change me...as I dealt with my demons, character defects, accepting life on life's terms...I got better...my life wasn't necessarily fantasy land but I learned how to deal with it...It took time and a lot of hard work on myself...
The 12 Steps of AA have become my guide for living...I know for me I would not be sober or content today without them...I have my days...my moments...but again life is life...there is good, bad, indifferent...it really is all about how I look at it and how I deal with it...
It is good that you are dry...you are seeking help from a therapist...as for me my long term solution was going to AA...and working the program...There is hope...there is a future...I felt the same way when I went to AA but someone said to me...Do you want a better life? And how hard are you willing to go for it? Are you willing to go to any lengths? Are you willing to at least give the program a chance...what do you have to lose? At that point in my life I had nothing to lose by trying the program...by really putting in an effort b/c if I didn't I knew I was going to continue to lose more of myself...and there wasn't much left...AA gave me hope...and a new life...and for that I am so very grateful...
Love Gina
The 12 Steps of AA have become my guide for living...I know for me I would not be sober or content today without them...I have my days...my moments...but again life is life...there is good, bad, indifferent...it really is all about how I look at it and how I deal with it...
It is good that you are dry...you are seeking help from a therapist...as for me my long term solution was going to AA...and working the program...There is hope...there is a future...I felt the same way when I went to AA but someone said to me...Do you want a better life? And how hard are you willing to go for it? Are you willing to go to any lengths? Are you willing to at least give the program a chance...what do you have to lose? At that point in my life I had nothing to lose by trying the program...by really putting in an effort b/c if I didn't I knew I was going to continue to lose more of myself...and there wasn't much left...AA gave me hope...and a new life...and for that I am so very grateful...
Love Gina
