They know exactly what makes them do the tings they do: The tyrannical mothers, the abusive husbands, the poverty they were raised in, or the childhood of extreme indulgence or privilege. They have great insight, but instead of using that insight as a means to develop new and hopefully better behavior, they use it as a reason to continue with the old, destructive behavior. They are not willing to go through the pain it takes to change, even thought the pain of staying the same is killing them.
They are victims. The list of people who've done them wrong is long, and the list of those people whose expectations they cannot live up to is even longer. They cling to their character defects with alarming tenacity, all the while blaming everything and veryone for their problems and never looking for solutions. In fact, they don't see their poor behavior as character defects at all, but more like genetic anomoliesc such as bow-legs or thin hair, or the permanent result of improper socilization by parents (who in most cases probably did the best job they could). "Drop The Rock," pp 8
I spent alot of time in my drinking trying to determine my differences--and WHY I was different than anyone. I spent a great deal of time making up reasons in my head why I was a victim--it took ALOT of work at times, too. I blamed my brother, my father, my mother, younger sister, some guy in a lumber store, and on and on--and they showed up in my 4th Step, too! It wasn't until I got to my 6th Step in preparation for #7 that I took a REAL hard look at some of the character defects I was clinging onto--they were like, well, the ME I'd worked so hard to develop over the years. I certainly didn't look favorably at taking responsibility for them!
When I became entirely willing to do some 'replacement therapy' (what I call the part of character transformation that took place when I started working these steps in recovery) I found that they may take work--all the spiritual principles take some cognizant effort--but I'd spent so much time developing them that they were easy to recognize when viewed from simply a different perspective. That maybe they weren't necessary defense mechanisms. Maybe embracing the strengths of my sobriety and spirituality would, in fact, give me some inner peace and quiet The Committee that always had churned in my mind.
I'm getting better. I work on some aspect of MY recovery everyday, and MY HP is my greatest strength in bringing these good character traits to the forefront. Stuff I can embrace as a quiet strength in the face of anything.
Wait....wait....not me....but I am different! If you would just listen to MY list of excuses you will see it as I do. I am different from THOSE people. LOLOLOL....
You know skg, this reminds me of a friend I worked with back in the 90s. She expended tremendous energy blaming her alcoholic mother for her own alcoholism, and her brother's. She was "in recovery" going to meetings all the time, and kvetching constantly about how her mother had ruined her life and she was forever damaged, etc. I, too, was the child of an alcoholic, but never viewed his problem as mine and never blamed my own excesses on his behavior...I made choices knowing full well that there was an excellent chance that I'd become addicted to something because of my genetics. That was on me...his was on him.
I don't know if I felt a victim as such. Probably to a certain extent, yes. I blamed my alcoholic father who abandoned us for my alcoholism and moaned that alcoholism was the only thing the man EVER gave me. Ok that's being a victim. But also I think I tried to make up for his absense to a huge extent and tried to be like a 'husband' to my mother with helping with bills, doing DIY, being her friend and taking her places. Fantastic breeding ground for resentments against both my parents. So there was the paradox in me of both victim (poor me) and warrior (I'll show him/them) and the weight of those personas meant I was a prime candidate for alcoholism. I spent so much time trying to be what I thought I should be and what I thought everyone else expected of me, that I forgot who the hell I was in the first place.
So yes now the scraping of the surface has begun, the identification of these character defects and hopefully the elimination or at least modification of same. At least I KNOW about them now. When I drank I didn't or chose to bury my head in the sand.
Ah, but of course there ARE reasons, and as the poet wrote, "they f*** you up, your mum and dad, they don't mean to but they do"....and often they do....cos you know what? They're human too....as the poet goes on to say..."man hands on misery to man"....
Does any parent here or elsewhere seriously believe they didn't make mistakes? Pity their kids.
But we can stop the spiral of our own misery....if we're lucky...because we realise we have a choice - whether because therapy shows us that, or God demands it of us, or our unconscious Self simply finds a way to step in and take its rightful place in out life and expands our consciousness a hundredfold......it doesn't really matter....what matters is once we have the insight we can accept reality ....and the fact that what once WERE reasons would from now on be excuses, because we now have genuine awareness AND the means to deal with the root causes of our (my) immature behaviour.
No-one chooses to be an alcoholic anymore than anyone chooses to parent their kids in such a way as to harm them....we really are all doing the best we can the best we know how at the time....blame is a sword without a handle. Cuts both ways.
Good posts skg and Martin. Of course all of us can lay blame ,I guess ,if we really wanted to. However that was never an issue for me. It was the other way around actually. I blamed me ,me ,me. I could find a reason why It was my fault for anything no matter what. we all have felt effects from the parenting we had I guess but I never did blame my parents nor anyone else for my addiction. I drank because I always felt like a piece of me was missing,even as a kid I did not feel complete. Felt restless and bored all the time .I knew from the first time I drank that I had discovered what I felt was missing. so I can't lay blame on anyone else for that because I thought I had found the key to everlasting happiness. Guess I learned differently . lol
You know, Martin, until you posted that I never really cared one way or the other about peoples' backgrounds. Don't know that I do today, in fact, but I HAVE come to recognize that the majority of people do do the best they can. That's not to say that some people should never be allowed to procreate, but that's not my choice, either...
Again, I find myself reading a thread differently than the majority of the responders. I instantly went to, "where do I continue to act like a victim" and didn't even think about feeling like a victim in order to enable or justify my drinking. If I were to answer in regards to drinking...heck, my mother was a closet alcoholic and I allowed her, the first time I drank, to hold the torch. Every time after that, I drank b/c damn it, I liked the effect. :)
As for placing myself in the victim role nowadays, I'd admit that I vacillate between victim and warrior/hero. However, I'd like to lose both "hats", as neither one serves my greater good and definitely does not help me feel serene.
I took it a bit differently too. I didn't internally get defensive at all. I just reminisced about "my" excuses of old and chuckled to myself about it.
Zipper, if I read you right that's interesting to me because what brought me here wasn't alcohol, but the "isms". I was still in denial about my alcoholism and hadn't (I think) become physically dependent. So I can relate to what I'm reading in your post, which is that these things play out in many ways. that shows up the value of the 12 steps in rooting out the, um, root causes....which I think for me are the dysfunctional defenses I used to keep my wounds out of sight and out of mind....
What's good is that in thinking these things through (in my rambling posts lol) I think I'm getting a better sense of when those unhelpful parts of me are nudging me towards unhelpful behaviours such as childish rage or martyrdom.
My immature behaviour isn't only or always about alcohol and remembering that helps me stay away from drinking, because I know now that drinking simply opens the door and waves those characteristics through to the control room. Not good.
Martin, I was just saying that when I read the intial post on the thread that SKG wrote, it made me consider where I am at right now versus how playing a victim correlated or enabled my drinking. I guess it shows some growth, as my first thought is not about drinking or alcohol. My first thought's or responses seem to come from where I am at, right here and now. Now mind you, this could change but thankfully, my first thought's aren't correlated with drinking but with recovering to become whole. Did I make sense or have I confused you more? LOL.
Yes, when I first came to the boards, it was to help me stop the nightly drinking. However, I've been very blessed, where the first weeks were all about just stopping the daily habit. It has become so much more than that now. I want to piece together and heal the wounds and hopefully continue along this journey free from alcohol but also grow towards a more conscious, spiritual being.
Anyway, hope that helped explain where I am at. Holler, if not. :)
Seems to me that we each might have come here, to ARG, for different reasons, but found ourselves acknowledging a whole lot more about ourselves. How cool is that? Yes, the "isms" are some of the roots that grew exponentially with each drink, each dry time, and each relapse. These, in my opinion, need to be addressed once a person sets down the drink, clears one's head, and starts to heal. Some find the solution in the 12 steps, some through religion, some even through this very board. So in response to your posts (after I reread it, lol) we may have come from different vantage points but we are both here, right now. Mind you, "here" is subjective. Thanks for the response. Congrats on 3 weeks! Wonderful!
Ok, got you I think. It sounds as if your perspective has broadened out from focusing on alcohol as "the problem" to saying "how can I grow? Where are the unhelpful things I can let go of now?" Which is great. Some would call that the spiritual journey but whatever you call it my guess is it is a path to feeling good about yourself (in the best way) and I reckon that's a wonderful road to real peace, contentment and joy. Way to go! (As I believe you chaps say...lol)
Yep, I came here to understand HER problem....is my HP cool or what? lol
My isms have always been there, masked by my consciously well-intentioned but probably harmful do-gooding.....and booze twisted the snarly knot a little tighter each week...I'm getting better at FEELING those unhelpful emotions getting in the way of my truest feelings, my best self....a work in progress and glad to have met you on the journey.
We have all been a victim and been an abuser. Moving from victim mentality to survivor is a choice. It takes desire. It takes readiness and work. Which is different for each person. May we all become survivor's. May we all find the love and support we need to accomplish this.
