My psychiatrist had me take an inventory of how long I have been using and how much and all of that....
But the one thing that totally messed me up, and always has, is the fact that i remember, like, physically remember, the first time I ever had an opiate. This was LONG before it got to be an issue, and even longer before I actually took them with any regularity. But knowing that I know exactly where I was and what I was doing and how old I was and what I took and what it was prescribed for and of course all of the feelings that came with it is so weird.
I think if you ask a "non-addict" the same question (When was the first time you ever took a vicodin or percocet?) they wouldn't be able to remember it. Or not with the clarity and detail that I can and that's just the craziest thing.
I mean, I was 17. It was a root canal.
It wasn't even a bit deal.
This was a long time ago. But there it is. Like it was yesterday....
So I guess it was a big deal to my brain and my body, but that just blows my mind.
Do any of you know what I'm talking about?
I talked to my brother and he had the exact same reaction. I just think it's so nuts... and so strangely biological.
Anyway, 13 hours of work and i'm a rambling loony toon.
I broke my hand a long time ago and had vicodin and i really don't remember anything out of the ordinary. I took it for a couple of days and that was it.
What I do remember was the first time I ever had an opiate where I actually liked the way it felt. That was in the hospital, it was Dilaudid and into my IV. I remember it exactly. Now, granted, I also liked the way it took away the pain. It was pretty darn effective at doing it and I liked that pain free feeling more than the rush, but I can honestly say, pain or no pain, I still liked the overall feeling.
But then again, when I was prescribed vicodin, I took it 100% for the pain, didnt really feel anything like I did with the dilaudid. Maybe my dose wasn't enough to get that euphoric feeling? Who knows. I did have wd's from it though, thats for sure. I only got dilaudid a couple of times.
What I do remember was the first time I ever had an opiate where I actually liked the way it felt. That was in the hospital, it was Dilaudid and into my IV. I remember it exactly. Now, granted, I also liked the way it took away the pain. It was pretty darn effective at doing it and I liked that pain free feeling more than the rush, but I can honestly say, pain or no pain, I still liked the overall feeling.
But then again, when I was prescribed vicodin, I took it 100% for the pain, didnt really feel anything like I did with the dilaudid. Maybe my dose wasn't enough to get that euphoric feeling? Who knows. I did have wd's from it though, thats for sure. I only got dilaudid a couple of times.
Gina,
I had no idea the effect that narcotics would have on me. I remember the first time I even knew what they were is when a friend of mine broke his hand in a fight and they gave him 4 little pills in a brown envelope. The were percocet. He was whacked out. I was a bit intrigued but never gave them another thought. I was about 23 at the time.
The only other time I ever even thought about them is when I gave birth. I had two C-Sections and the Demoral they gave me made feel so good when no one should feel that good after childbirth..let alone a cesarean.
How I managed to live 38 years without ever becoming addicted to anything is still a mystery to me!
I had no idea the effect that narcotics would have on me. I remember the first time I even knew what they were is when a friend of mine broke his hand in a fight and they gave him 4 little pills in a brown envelope. The were percocet. He was whacked out. I was a bit intrigued but never gave them another thought. I was about 23 at the time.
The only other time I ever even thought about them is when I gave birth. I had two C-Sections and the Demoral they gave me made feel so good when no one should feel that good after childbirth..let alone a cesarean.
How I managed to live 38 years without ever becoming addicted to anything is still a mystery to me!
I once heard the alcoholics/addicts can recall their first experience with their DOC, and that non-addicted people usually do not. Not sure if their is any truth to that or not. I couldn't tell you my first experience with alcohol, or the first time I got drunk, only the time frame.
I do remember, vividly, my first experience with a narcotic (vicodin.) I was 18. I had been in a lot of pain for days, plus had a really bad cold or flu. After days of misery I went to the ER. I didn't know what they gave me, but I knew their were pills that people liked to take just to get high.
I came home and opened my rx bag and the bottle had a label on it that said "Warning may cause a false sense of well-being." I knew those pills must have been what people were talking about. I laughed (for years) about that label. My first thought was "Good! I could use a sense of well-being right now." My second thought, that kept me laughing for so long, was the analysis of how a sense of well-being could be false?! And, of course, why anyone would care if a sense of well-being was false or not.
With that, I took two, not the rx'ed one, and sat Indian-style on my living room floor smiling for hours. I still remember every detail. It felt so good to not be sick anymore. No sinus issues, no cough, no pain, no longer cared about ruptured eardrum... It was cold outside, but the sun was shining into the living room and I liked that. I can still remember who called to check on me and how they said I sounded so much better, and how I quickly hung up so I could get back to my sitting, smiling and staring at the sun. Etc., etc...
When the antibiotics kicked in and I felt better, I shared the rest of the bottle with friends, just for us to get high. For the next ten years there was always a secret joy when I was injured or sick. I had chronic ear infections until age 22, and they automatically warranted a script.
I haven't seen a "false sense of well-being" warning sticker for a long time. Did they stop using them? I always thought they were counter-productive. I finally stopped laughing about that sticker a year and a half ago. I figured out why people should care if their sense of well being is real or false. It was a tough lesson.
I do remember, vividly, my first experience with a narcotic (vicodin.) I was 18. I had been in a lot of pain for days, plus had a really bad cold or flu. After days of misery I went to the ER. I didn't know what they gave me, but I knew their were pills that people liked to take just to get high.
I came home and opened my rx bag and the bottle had a label on it that said "Warning may cause a false sense of well-being." I knew those pills must have been what people were talking about. I laughed (for years) about that label. My first thought was "Good! I could use a sense of well-being right now." My second thought, that kept me laughing for so long, was the analysis of how a sense of well-being could be false?! And, of course, why anyone would care if a sense of well-being was false or not.
With that, I took two, not the rx'ed one, and sat Indian-style on my living room floor smiling for hours. I still remember every detail. It felt so good to not be sick anymore. No sinus issues, no cough, no pain, no longer cared about ruptured eardrum... It was cold outside, but the sun was shining into the living room and I liked that. I can still remember who called to check on me and how they said I sounded so much better, and how I quickly hung up so I could get back to my sitting, smiling and staring at the sun. Etc., etc...
When the antibiotics kicked in and I felt better, I shared the rest of the bottle with friends, just for us to get high. For the next ten years there was always a secret joy when I was injured or sick. I had chronic ear infections until age 22, and they automatically warranted a script.
I haven't seen a "false sense of well-being" warning sticker for a long time. Did they stop using them? I always thought they were counter-productive. I finally stopped laughing about that sticker a year and a half ago. I figured out why people should care if their sense of well being is real or false. It was a tough lesson.
i was 21 pulled back out doc per dolcet was always shy did not like being around people was damaged at childhood. but the moment i took that first pill i said to myself i want to feel like this for the rest of my life.but since then i can,t remeaber much of the next 20 years of my life.I lost so much that day my kids growing up . i guess i mean I LOST MY LIFE THAT DAY AND THAT IS SOMETHING I WANT BACK .I don,t know how much damage i have done to my body but with what life i have left it will be spent with my wife and grand ch.andmy kids .i am just so thankful my family did not give up on me.alot of people are not so lucky
Interesting topic. narcotics haven't been my thing. I get real sick from opiates, but alchohol and downers are another thing.
I remeber my first drink. I was in 8th grade, a friend was over and we had open cans of pop( in fact it was Dr. Pepper) I spiked mine with some of Dads bourbon. I loved the warm feelng it gave me and the buzz, also just he idea of doing something real sneaky. So on and off I went back. It wasn't until high school, that I really started to drink, and I always seemed to drink until I was real wasted. Funny thing. Why drink unless you intend to get drunk.
But it wasn't until I found benzos that I didn't have that viseral memory that you mentioned. When I took that first ativan, I felt that "whoosh" feeling and from that moment, I was hooked. I lived until the next pill. Soon I was combining other meds to intensify the reaction.
The intense physical and mental addiction is a hard thing to explain, except to other addicts. I heard it explained in a recent meeting, as a dark force that just overtakes you. How right that description was for me. I was just lost from my life, sunk into a life fully overwhelmed by the thought and action needed to keep my addiction going. I felt no emotion at the end, had no regard for myself or loved ones, just my little "lovelies" in that bottle. I counted them everyday, tried to pace my use to no avail. I had so much guilt and shame, how could a perfectly rational person sink to this level and why could I not just give it up. Why?--- I am an addict, just pure and simple. Truely accepting that and living every 24 hours is keeping me clean.
I remeber my first drink. I was in 8th grade, a friend was over and we had open cans of pop( in fact it was Dr. Pepper) I spiked mine with some of Dads bourbon. I loved the warm feelng it gave me and the buzz, also just he idea of doing something real sneaky. So on and off I went back. It wasn't until high school, that I really started to drink, and I always seemed to drink until I was real wasted. Funny thing. Why drink unless you intend to get drunk.
But it wasn't until I found benzos that I didn't have that viseral memory that you mentioned. When I took that first ativan, I felt that "whoosh" feeling and from that moment, I was hooked. I lived until the next pill. Soon I was combining other meds to intensify the reaction.
The intense physical and mental addiction is a hard thing to explain, except to other addicts. I heard it explained in a recent meeting, as a dark force that just overtakes you. How right that description was for me. I was just lost from my life, sunk into a life fully overwhelmed by the thought and action needed to keep my addiction going. I felt no emotion at the end, had no regard for myself or loved ones, just my little "lovelies" in that bottle. I counted them everyday, tried to pace my use to no avail. I had so much guilt and shame, how could a perfectly rational person sink to this level and why could I not just give it up. Why?--- I am an addict, just pure and simple. Truely accepting that and living every 24 hours is keeping me clean.
I think it's because we "fantasize" about just how good that first high was and then spend the rest of our "using" life chasing that high. We obsess about getting that feeling again which we all know, never happens.
I remember exactly my first high. Age, where I was ect....I was off and running from the very first pain pill I ever took.
What I remember with even more clarity is the day I got clean and the day I quit using. I like that memory much better.
I remember exactly my first high. Age, where I was ect....I was off and running from the very first pain pill I ever took.
What I remember with even more clarity is the day I got clean and the day I quit using. I like that memory much better.
My brain used to go to the euphoria of pills. I was always obsessing at that point, and mad that I wasn't able to do that again.
Someone taught me in early recovery to "play the tape all the way through." To take those romanticizing thoughts and play it out to what REALLY happened; and play each ugly consequence out.
Today, when I think of vics, oxy, or beer, I shudder. My brain no longer sees the first time of using; the euphoria. I see the bitter end; dopesick and wanting out.
That little tip and cutting of all my sources were so crucial to my survival.
Someone taught me in early recovery to "play the tape all the way through." To take those romanticizing thoughts and play it out to what REALLY happened; and play each ugly consequence out.
Today, when I think of vics, oxy, or beer, I shudder. My brain no longer sees the first time of using; the euphoria. I see the bitter end; dopesick and wanting out.
That little tip and cutting of all my sources were so crucial to my survival.
Hey SP!
I always seem to relate to the things you say, and this is a great topic! I remember exactly the first time - I was 15, I had mono and they gave me tyleonol #3 (this was before the days of hydrocodone). The bottle said take 1-2 and I took 4. From day one this was an issue, although it was years before addiction, I wasn't 'normal' from the beginning. Another interesting thing - I used to binge on Fiorinal # 3 years ago. When I would be on my way to the pharmacy to get it I'd feel high, I'd get nauseated, sometimes even throw up, I'd have diarehha, I'd actually have physical symptoms before I would pick it up, it was crazy.
I always seem to relate to the things you say, and this is a great topic! I remember exactly the first time - I was 15, I had mono and they gave me tyleonol #3 (this was before the days of hydrocodone). The bottle said take 1-2 and I took 4. From day one this was an issue, although it was years before addiction, I wasn't 'normal' from the beginning. Another interesting thing - I used to binge on Fiorinal # 3 years ago. When I would be on my way to the pharmacy to get it I'd feel high, I'd get nauseated, sometimes even throw up, I'd have diarehha, I'd actually have physical symptoms before I would pick it up, it was crazy.
