Well, hello there. I guess I'll give this a try. I've never posted or been here before. I've never considered anything of this sort, either. But, I have a problem. Im slowly acknowleding it, fully. Im not really addicted to anything, other than cigarettes. My addiction seems to be not being sober. I know that probably makes little sense, so I'll try to explain.
Im completely terrified of sobriety. The idea of never being able to blow off steam or have an escape really frightens me. I dont know how people can do it, quite frankly. I am completely consumed with the idea that I should feel happily drugged at random intervals.
I recently quit drinking, following a stay in the hospital. I drank to extremes, but I think I lucked out and was able to quit before it became an addiction. I certainly know it was headed that way. At any rate, I simply stopped drinking after I got out of the hospital. Now, its important to note, I was on strong IV drugs during my stay, and left the hospital with an oxycodone script.
So, I was done with drinking. I actually was enjoying myself being sober, too. Unfortunately, it hasn't lasted. Having always felt tolerant to pills, I quickly found myself above the recommended dosage. Not by a lot, really. Or so I told myself. That would change at different times.
Plus,I decided I deserved a vice (as though cigarettes aren't enough), so I started occasionally smoking marijuana again. Now, its important to note, I dont even like weed anymore. I will always hold a special place for it in my heart, as I truly believe it saved and changed my life in many ways in a dark time, but as I had begun to drink heavier, I lost touch with the herb. It came to be, that when i WOULD smoke it, I didnt enjoy it at all. Well, as the loss of weed inhibited my drinking, the loss of drinking inhibited my smoking weed. I began to buy it again. This begins a really strange chain of actions that has continued and gone full circle again and again. I get bag of weed. I smoke some of it. Dont enjoy it at all, other than the fact that Im not sober, and then I throw it away or flush it down the toilet at some point. I end up doing that, after much internal conflict. But I tell myself its for the best and that Im better off sober. That lasts anywhere from a day to a week or two, before I get more - and do the same thing. Ive rationalized my smoking weed, as being the safe thing for me to do. Ive begun to drink occasionally, though not get drunk, stopping because it doesnt feel right. But, I also worry I will keep trying. I was taking hydrocodone for my back, and abusing it for a bit, as well, throughout this all.
Now, Im not physically addicted to any of these things, minus the cigarettes. But Im beginning to accept the fact that that is probably only because I dont have easy access to such things. I obviously have an addictive personality. I am mentally addicted to feeling abnormal.
Im lonely, sad, and afraid. I dont particularly like myself that much at the moment. Im not even sure what I want to do. I have remained convinced that I have to do it myself, but Im short on hope at the moment, and I think maybe its time I tried a different route. Im sorry this is so long. I just wanted to get some of that out. I'd love to hear what you think. I really dont want to do this anymore.
eternally yours,
..
Hi. The fact that you realize that you have a problem is the first step in the direction to recovering from it. Knowing you have a problem opens up doors to wanting to do something about that problem. I know actually getting the will to work on it is the difficult part, but keeping reminders of how you feel while writing this post will keep you feeling that way about your addiction as long as you keep track of it.
Remember that no drug, whether it be a cigarette or heroin can replace another. I understand you are afraid of sobriety, i have felt like that for a long time, and why weed is NOT as harmless as most people think is because of the ever growing grip it has on you. It all starts off with a disgusting joint now and then at parties. When i first started smoking weed i hated it. I thought gross how can anyone like the feeling of being so tired and hungry and headachy. 5 years later i am struggling to leave the stuff. You begin to rely on it to escape all the time and when you go without it your mind and body reacts in aweful ways. You cant sleep at night, you get vivid dreams, one day you feel fine the next you are extremely depressed. I even got to the point where i was getting real hyperventilation attacks and could not understand why and started getting paranoid that i might be going crazy. Questioning your sanity is the scariest thing ever. Eventually i realized what it truly was. I made the mistake of standing up for weed like you do all the time. I saw it as a peaceful harmless herb that Bob Marley smoked and thought alcohol is much worse, why dont they just legalize it?
Dont fool yourself. A drug is a drug and weed is one of the most addictive ones, because it is so gradual and inviting. It is great for the first 3 years every weekend with friends then every 3rd day or so then every 2nd day then every single day without you even noticing, because your mindset already tells you that weed is ok. You lose your ambition, you lose your concentration and as soon as you decide to go without it, your ambition slowly starts to return and you feel depressed suddenly that you did not do anything about your dreams and to mask this feeling you smoke some weed and then "Every little thing, is gonna be alright"
Keeping yourself busy and rewarding yourself daily with perhaps something you buy with the money you would have spent on weed or alcohol for the smaller achievements will contribute to the major end result, which is freedom. Do you want to live your life controlled by substances? A plant, a liquid, a 4 mm small thing controlling a precious life? Realize that you are worthy and take charge of your life, make it worth living because you only get one lifetime to do so.
Also to help remind you daily of what you want to achieve id suggest visiting this site: http://oade.nd.edu/educate-yourself-drugs
Take it day by day and make something of your time on earth.
Good Luck i wish you well and always feel free to come back to these forums and ask for help if you get stuck.
Remember that no drug, whether it be a cigarette or heroin can replace another. I understand you are afraid of sobriety, i have felt like that for a long time, and why weed is NOT as harmless as most people think is because of the ever growing grip it has on you. It all starts off with a disgusting joint now and then at parties. When i first started smoking weed i hated it. I thought gross how can anyone like the feeling of being so tired and hungry and headachy. 5 years later i am struggling to leave the stuff. You begin to rely on it to escape all the time and when you go without it your mind and body reacts in aweful ways. You cant sleep at night, you get vivid dreams, one day you feel fine the next you are extremely depressed. I even got to the point where i was getting real hyperventilation attacks and could not understand why and started getting paranoid that i might be going crazy. Questioning your sanity is the scariest thing ever. Eventually i realized what it truly was. I made the mistake of standing up for weed like you do all the time. I saw it as a peaceful harmless herb that Bob Marley smoked and thought alcohol is much worse, why dont they just legalize it?
Dont fool yourself. A drug is a drug and weed is one of the most addictive ones, because it is so gradual and inviting. It is great for the first 3 years every weekend with friends then every 3rd day or so then every 2nd day then every single day without you even noticing, because your mindset already tells you that weed is ok. You lose your ambition, you lose your concentration and as soon as you decide to go without it, your ambition slowly starts to return and you feel depressed suddenly that you did not do anything about your dreams and to mask this feeling you smoke some weed and then "Every little thing, is gonna be alright"
Keeping yourself busy and rewarding yourself daily with perhaps something you buy with the money you would have spent on weed or alcohol for the smaller achievements will contribute to the major end result, which is freedom. Do you want to live your life controlled by substances? A plant, a liquid, a 4 mm small thing controlling a precious life? Realize that you are worthy and take charge of your life, make it worth living because you only get one lifetime to do so.
Also to help remind you daily of what you want to achieve id suggest visiting this site: http://oade.nd.edu/educate-yourself-drugs
Take it day by day and make something of your time on earth.
Good Luck i wish you well and always feel free to come back to these forums and ask for help if you get stuck.
Hi and welcome to the board:) I just posted to another newcomer my experience, strength and hope in another recent thread which I copied and pasted here. Sorry if you are reading it twice but I felt it applied for you as well. Sobriety was scary for me too and that is why I used pot as a crutch to get sober my first year. Thank god I started my journey in AA so I had a lot of good sober work under my belt but eventually the weed caught up with me and I was well aware that my use was increasing ALOT plus I couldn't handle the guilt of being dishonest about my program in AA. I finally came clean with my sponsor and home group. That was hard! But once I faced my growing weed addiction and began my step work with earnest life got even better. I can't imagine ever using a mind altering substance to get thru my day ever again. The insanity in my mind has finally stopped. I don't need to be afraid anymore because I have a Higher Power of my understanding that I can turn to if I do get anxious, worried, angry or whatever. You can do this too if you want it bad enough. Good luck.
I quit weed about 2 months ago and haven't missed it really. the first couple weeks was hard and I had to ask my husband to keep it all out of site for fear of temptation. Yeah at first I missed using it at the end of a hectic day to tune out all the crap or using it to make mundane activities better (grocery shopping, walking the dogs, folding laundry etc...) or going out to see live music. But I soon learned to do all those things without any kind of mind altering substance for the first time in about 7 years and now I can't imagine going back to that. I still catch myself realizing that I've been present for 24 hours in a day...even in my dreams. Those are clearer now that I don't fall asleep stoned and seem to bring some kind of message for me depending if I go to bed with an issue on my mind.See, I am a recovering alcoholic and been sober for over a year but I used weed as a crutch to help me work the steps. Especially the one about coming to believe in a Higher Power. I would get stoned and think I was so enlightened! The obsession to drink was lifted pretty quickly and soon I was getting healthier and clearer in the head. I became aware of my character defects that lead me to drink. I began to notice my pot smoking increase and was wasting a lot of mental time thinking about getting stoned and stoned again once I was already stoned. I was tired of living that way! Life is to damn short to waste it thinking of getting high and once your high you are not present in your life. Living the life that your Higher Power meant for you to live.
You obviously have a desire to quit weed if you posted on this board and it sounds like you are using it as a crutch too. You are where you are supposed to be right now and keep coming back. You just don't' have to smoke for today and try to do this one day at a time. Try not to think about how you are not going to smoke tomorrow or during some future event. Just resist the urge for now. Take a walk. Call someone. Post on this board. Chew some gum. Listen to music. Read! Wow. When I quit weed I found i was more focused on reading and now I read way more...especially spiritual books like Eckard Tolle's "Power of Now". I am re-reading that one clean and it has opened up sooo much more in my life.
I quit weed about 2 months ago and haven't missed it really. the first couple weeks was hard and I had to ask my husband to keep it all out of site for fear of temptation. Yeah at first I missed using it at the end of a hectic day to tune out all the crap or using it to make mundane activities better (grocery shopping, walking the dogs, folding laundry etc...) or going out to see live music. But I soon learned to do all those things without any kind of mind altering substance for the first time in about 7 years and now I can't imagine going back to that. I still catch myself realizing that I've been present for 24 hours in a day...even in my dreams. Those are clearer now that I don't fall asleep stoned and seem to bring some kind of message for me depending if I go to bed with an issue on my mind.See, I am a recovering alcoholic and been sober for over a year but I used weed as a crutch to help me work the steps. Especially the one about coming to believe in a Higher Power. I would get stoned and think I was so enlightened! The obsession to drink was lifted pretty quickly and soon I was getting healthier and clearer in the head. I became aware of my character defects that lead me to drink. I began to notice my pot smoking increase and was wasting a lot of mental time thinking about getting stoned and stoned again once I was already stoned. I was tired of living that way! Life is to damn short to waste it thinking of getting high and once your high you are not present in your life. Living the life that your Higher Power meant for you to live.
You obviously have a desire to quit weed if you posted on this board and it sounds like you are using it as a crutch too. You are where you are supposed to be right now and keep coming back. You just don't' have to smoke for today and try to do this one day at a time. Try not to think about how you are not going to smoke tomorrow or during some future event. Just resist the urge for now. Take a walk. Call someone. Post on this board. Chew some gum. Listen to music. Read! Wow. When I quit weed I found i was more focused on reading and now I read way more...especially spiritual books like Eckard Tolle's "Power of Now". I am re-reading that one clean and it has opened up sooo much more in my life.
