August, glad to see that you also had cravings at three months. Thought it might just be my weak character rising back up.
Sharon
Hey Sharon, I have been entertaining an old friend this evening, playing some blues and remembering the good old days.
It sounds to me like you are feeling better today--when I used to get those cravings, sometimes they would come and go pretty quickly, but there were a few times when they hung around for awhile.
Personally, I see no weakness of character in you whatsoever. You did not allow yourself to engage in endless rationalizations as to why is was OK to use, you followed through with your commitment to your program at a time when you felt really lousy and probably did not want to be exposed. These are the actions of a person who is not allowing the disease to suck her back into the abyss. This is the kind of strength that is based on something beyond the initial inspiration to quit. It is greater than any one individual. I aspire to find it each day, with only limited success.
I tend to gush--I think you know that--but my sense is that there are really great things in store for you on the other side of your addiction; things that are beyond your wildest imagination. Just be careful what you ask for: you might wind up getting it! Choose wisely.
I sincerely hope that today is better than yesterday, but either way, I absolutely promise you that if you hang tight, you are going to realize that your recovery just made a quantum leap forward. Many people go their entire lives and never move beyond the place I saw you in yesterday, and I think you made it.
Thanks again!
All the best,
August
It sounds to me like you are feeling better today--when I used to get those cravings, sometimes they would come and go pretty quickly, but there were a few times when they hung around for awhile.
Personally, I see no weakness of character in you whatsoever. You did not allow yourself to engage in endless rationalizations as to why is was OK to use, you followed through with your commitment to your program at a time when you felt really lousy and probably did not want to be exposed. These are the actions of a person who is not allowing the disease to suck her back into the abyss. This is the kind of strength that is based on something beyond the initial inspiration to quit. It is greater than any one individual. I aspire to find it each day, with only limited success.
I tend to gush--I think you know that--but my sense is that there are really great things in store for you on the other side of your addiction; things that are beyond your wildest imagination. Just be careful what you ask for: you might wind up getting it! Choose wisely.
I sincerely hope that today is better than yesterday, but either way, I absolutely promise you that if you hang tight, you are going to realize that your recovery just made a quantum leap forward. Many people go their entire lives and never move beyond the place I saw you in yesterday, and I think you made it.
Thanks again!
All the best,
August
Dear Sharon, I have been keeping up with your dilema, and am so happy to see you are getting through it. Don't worry what anybody thinks about your dedication to your groups. You know what they say in NA, there will always be people who are incapable of "getting It" and you know what I mean by that. I think NA is great and it did wonders to keep me clean for a long time. Some of the people I admire most in this world, I met through NA. The bottom line is YOU do what works for YOU and I mean that in the collective sense. I msut say, I don't know how you are doing it, dealing with the cravings I mean, but obviously, something is working, and something is giving you strength, so hold on tightly, and stick to your guns, and stick closely to this board. I see so many people who care about you Sharon, and I am one of them. I have my fingers crossed for you. good nite and good luck for the next 24 hrs, the next hour, the next few minutes...the next few moments...
dear sharon
how are you doing today?
crystal
i am hanging in not easy, but not impossible
thinking of you
how are you doing today?
crystal
i am hanging in not easy, but not impossible
thinking of you
Crystal, I'm doing great today. Got up early and got a good start on the day. I think I'm over the hurdle, Just for today...........
Sharon
Sharon
Sharon, your experience of the last few days has really taken me back to my first year of recovery.
It used to be that when you lost a spouse, the grieving period was a full year. The reason for this is that with each change of season, each birthday, holiday, etc., you had to go through the first one alone for the first time after your loss, and each time, the memories would resurface, and the pain and grief would begin anew, to some extent.
I used to say that when I quit, I lost my best friend, my greatest lover, and truly, my god. Part of the recovery process involves grieving this loss and learning how to pick up the broken shards of ones life and begin again.
I think the first time we get hit sideways with the obsession to use it is the hardest, because the loss of the old friend is the most recent and thus we have less time in recovery to have a true sense of what we are dealing with. To that end, you might very easily say that the last few days may be the most difficult you will ever have in recovery. I wish I could promise this but I cannot. I had other difficult times.
The one that is the most vivid for me was my first Christmas sober. It was the first time since being a little teenager that I went through Christmas without my celebratory drugs, and it seemed like every Christmas Carol, every Christmas smell, would trigger some memory and send me spiraling back through painful memories. I was so thin skinned that nothing anybody said seemed to help and I interpreted every effort as a thinly veiled insult as to how inferior a human being I was. This all happened for me at 9 months. I seem to recall that I stormed out of a meeting room on Christmas Day because some insensitive bumpkin had offended me. It was pretty apparent that I was headed toward a relapse. What I did next is kind of funny when I look back on it.
I had toured with the Grateful Dead and had attended my first meeting the previous New Years Eve show between sets at a concert, and picked up my first white chip about two months later. I found the telephone number of a fellow I had met the previous year in Oakland CA while waiting on line at 4:00 AM for tickets to the show that evening. I called him, and asked him if he had been on the level when he said that he didn't do drugs or alcohol. He told me he was two years into the program. He invited me out to Oakland and I caught a plane a couple of hours later. He introduced me to three of his friends, all in the program, and we spent a week hanging out, going to meetings around the Bay Area, catching Grateful Dead shows, and drinking lots and lots of coffee at Pete's in Berkley. Like a salmon swimming upstream to spawn, I had returned to the sight of my first meeting, and there, instead of using, I found the unseen miracle that had began its way to me the preceding year. I am still friends with all of those guys and we are still all sober.
That was the last of the really hard cravings, and for me it happened at 9 to 10 months. Recovery does not take away our problems, and I did deal with some depression problems thereafter, as well as the problems associated with living life on life's terms (these do not end until we punch out the final ticket), but after that experience at Christmas, I knew that something really important had clicked into place in my life, and using ceased to be a viable option for me. From that point on, the program became my only alternative, insensitive bumpkins be da***d.
Thanks for sharing your journey of the past few days with all of us. If you continue on this path that you have chosen for yourself, you will begin to recognize the signs that trigger the cravings. Each time you stay firm on your commitment to your sobriety, these triggers will get smaller and smaller until they are rendered insignificant. Your story has been on my mind all day. As I walked the hospital halls today, talking to other patients and cracking jokes at the nurses, I carried thoughts of your story and mine, and all of it reminded me of what a lucky guy I am. To me, this is how the program works. I hope your day is doing well. I hope you can agree with me when I say, "It Works, If We Work It."
August
It used to be that when you lost a spouse, the grieving period was a full year. The reason for this is that with each change of season, each birthday, holiday, etc., you had to go through the first one alone for the first time after your loss, and each time, the memories would resurface, and the pain and grief would begin anew, to some extent.
I used to say that when I quit, I lost my best friend, my greatest lover, and truly, my god. Part of the recovery process involves grieving this loss and learning how to pick up the broken shards of ones life and begin again.
I think the first time we get hit sideways with the obsession to use it is the hardest, because the loss of the old friend is the most recent and thus we have less time in recovery to have a true sense of what we are dealing with. To that end, you might very easily say that the last few days may be the most difficult you will ever have in recovery. I wish I could promise this but I cannot. I had other difficult times.
The one that is the most vivid for me was my first Christmas sober. It was the first time since being a little teenager that I went through Christmas without my celebratory drugs, and it seemed like every Christmas Carol, every Christmas smell, would trigger some memory and send me spiraling back through painful memories. I was so thin skinned that nothing anybody said seemed to help and I interpreted every effort as a thinly veiled insult as to how inferior a human being I was. This all happened for me at 9 months. I seem to recall that I stormed out of a meeting room on Christmas Day because some insensitive bumpkin had offended me. It was pretty apparent that I was headed toward a relapse. What I did next is kind of funny when I look back on it.
I had toured with the Grateful Dead and had attended my first meeting the previous New Years Eve show between sets at a concert, and picked up my first white chip about two months later. I found the telephone number of a fellow I had met the previous year in Oakland CA while waiting on line at 4:00 AM for tickets to the show that evening. I called him, and asked him if he had been on the level when he said that he didn't do drugs or alcohol. He told me he was two years into the program. He invited me out to Oakland and I caught a plane a couple of hours later. He introduced me to three of his friends, all in the program, and we spent a week hanging out, going to meetings around the Bay Area, catching Grateful Dead shows, and drinking lots and lots of coffee at Pete's in Berkley. Like a salmon swimming upstream to spawn, I had returned to the sight of my first meeting, and there, instead of using, I found the unseen miracle that had began its way to me the preceding year. I am still friends with all of those guys and we are still all sober.
That was the last of the really hard cravings, and for me it happened at 9 to 10 months. Recovery does not take away our problems, and I did deal with some depression problems thereafter, as well as the problems associated with living life on life's terms (these do not end until we punch out the final ticket), but after that experience at Christmas, I knew that something really important had clicked into place in my life, and using ceased to be a viable option for me. From that point on, the program became my only alternative, insensitive bumpkins be da***d.
Thanks for sharing your journey of the past few days with all of us. If you continue on this path that you have chosen for yourself, you will begin to recognize the signs that trigger the cravings. Each time you stay firm on your commitment to your sobriety, these triggers will get smaller and smaller until they are rendered insignificant. Your story has been on my mind all day. As I walked the hospital halls today, talking to other patients and cracking jokes at the nurses, I carried thoughts of your story and mine, and all of it reminded me of what a lucky guy I am. To me, this is how the program works. I hope your day is doing well. I hope you can agree with me when I say, "It Works, If We Work It."
August
whoever guest is you hit it right on the head! I hope all here can reach that point.For myself and all here just keep thinking how these pills hurt us and ruin lives.Again its not worth it! Hope all stay clean and for those withdrawing do not give up!!!! You will feel alot better once your clean! I have been where you are!Again don't give up,it does get better!
what a story august west - quite a story thank you for sharing.
guest van
thank you for the encouraging words - it does get better - that is good to know!
thank you for the encouraging words - it does get better - that is good to know!
August,
Thanks for all the inspiration and encouragement that you give me everyday, you are truly wonderfull and full of wisdom. When I was having such a bad day, I couldn't really understand why. But yesterday I realized what was going on. You see I have to go before the Board of Nursing next Tuesday and will be participating in the "Kare Program" that they have for impaired nurses. I had totally blocked this out of my mind because the appt was set up weeks ago.
In the Kare program a nurse is on probation for 5 yrs, must be in a recovery program, attend outside meetings in NA, and provide ua drug screens 1-2 times a months. These are just some of the stipulations, there's about 5 pages of things that you have to agree to. This program is separate from the disciplanary actions by the board of nursing and the KBON is not involved at all as long as one stays clean and sober and does what is required of them. It's hard to explain all of the details involved.
I'm glad that God intervened in December and showed me a better way.. At the time I thought that my life was over but he has given me a new life, a much better life that I haven't known in a couple of years. Every day gets better. Its so amazing how good everything is when you're sober. I can look my family and friends in the eyes and not be ashamed now. When asked in Recovery the other nite about what we like about being clean and sober and I spoke up and said "I like everything about it." A simple statement but so true. I don't have to plan my days around where I'm going to get my next pill, I don't isolate myself from the world anymore, and I plan my day to include positive things now. Tonite during an NA meeting, I talked with 2 nurses who had the same thing happen to them and now I'm less stressed about the meeting with KBON on Tuesday.
Whatever happens, I'm going to stay clean and sober and hopefully on down the road I'll be able to help others in need.
Thanks for posting for me today, you are so amazing and strong, with everything you're going thru, you still take the time to help me and others on this board, God is certainly working thru you my friend.
Sharon
Thanks for all the inspiration and encouragement that you give me everyday, you are truly wonderfull and full of wisdom. When I was having such a bad day, I couldn't really understand why. But yesterday I realized what was going on. You see I have to go before the Board of Nursing next Tuesday and will be participating in the "Kare Program" that they have for impaired nurses. I had totally blocked this out of my mind because the appt was set up weeks ago.
In the Kare program a nurse is on probation for 5 yrs, must be in a recovery program, attend outside meetings in NA, and provide ua drug screens 1-2 times a months. These are just some of the stipulations, there's about 5 pages of things that you have to agree to. This program is separate from the disciplanary actions by the board of nursing and the KBON is not involved at all as long as one stays clean and sober and does what is required of them. It's hard to explain all of the details involved.
I'm glad that God intervened in December and showed me a better way.. At the time I thought that my life was over but he has given me a new life, a much better life that I haven't known in a couple of years. Every day gets better. Its so amazing how good everything is when you're sober. I can look my family and friends in the eyes and not be ashamed now. When asked in Recovery the other nite about what we like about being clean and sober and I spoke up and said "I like everything about it." A simple statement but so true. I don't have to plan my days around where I'm going to get my next pill, I don't isolate myself from the world anymore, and I plan my day to include positive things now. Tonite during an NA meeting, I talked with 2 nurses who had the same thing happen to them and now I'm less stressed about the meeting with KBON on Tuesday.
Whatever happens, I'm going to stay clean and sober and hopefully on down the road I'll be able to help others in need.
Thanks for posting for me today, you are so amazing and strong, with everything you're going thru, you still take the time to help me and others on this board, God is certainly working thru you my friend.
Sharon
sharon
hi, stand tall with our chin up - you deserve too. you have come a long way from what i can tell and i hope to be there one day soon. they do this nursing thing to help you and be with you although i assume that it can feel demeaning and awful. but YOU DID IT and ARE DOING IT - so you can look them in the eye and thank them (if you want to) -- also you said something about not keeping yourself from the world now - i've been doing that because of pain pills - WOW i thought i just became that way with age - i hide all the time from people and the phone - just dont want to deal - oh boy, these people that know me better look out when i am clean because they'll get sick of me!!! good luck at the nursing thing - please let us know how you do. it sounds like a lot of people really, truly care for you and i am one of them.
crystal
hi, stand tall with our chin up - you deserve too. you have come a long way from what i can tell and i hope to be there one day soon. they do this nursing thing to help you and be with you although i assume that it can feel demeaning and awful. but YOU DID IT and ARE DOING IT - so you can look them in the eye and thank them (if you want to) -- also you said something about not keeping yourself from the world now - i've been doing that because of pain pills - WOW i thought i just became that way with age - i hide all the time from people and the phone - just dont want to deal - oh boy, these people that know me better look out when i am clean because they'll get sick of me!!! good luck at the nursing thing - please let us know how you do. it sounds like a lot of people really, truly care for you and i am one of them.
crystal
Crystal,
Thanks for all of your encouragement. You give such wonderfull advice, full of warmth and understanding. I deeply appreciate it.
Sharon
Thanks for all of your encouragement. You give such wonderfull advice, full of warmth and understanding. I deeply appreciate it.
Sharon
you are welcome - and thank YOU
have a great day.
crystal
have a great day.
crystal
Hey Sharon, isn't it amazing how we push to the side the things that are really bothering us and look directly toward the pills instead? It is 3 parts habit, and 1 part recoil, I think.
I think recovery is a journey and through that process, we can heal all of the pain we have accumulated in our lives. That is truly a journey of Odyssean proportion--not for the faint at heart. Now that your fear is out in the light of day, you can deal with it and shrink it down to its right size, and it sounds like that process is well under way. You should feel free to talk about it in your meetings, of course.
The program you are entering for impaired nurses sounds stringent but not unfair. We all have to try to set right the wreckage of our past. It is part of moving on and continuing that healing process. The tough part is when you realize that you are now working on the wreckage caused *after* you get sober (lol).
Hang in there--you are doing great! I dont want to push too hard, but your impaired nurse program might trigger some shame and perhaps some resentment. You might consider journaling some of this as it bubbles to the surface (for that matter, you should make a copy of some of the posts from earlier this week and read them when you feeling really good about your program). Journalling really comes in handy when you begin working a formal 4th step.
Good luckhang in there and let us know how your are doing. For all we know, this little dialog could be planting seeds that will bloom for years into the future.
August
I think recovery is a journey and through that process, we can heal all of the pain we have accumulated in our lives. That is truly a journey of Odyssean proportion--not for the faint at heart. Now that your fear is out in the light of day, you can deal with it and shrink it down to its right size, and it sounds like that process is well under way. You should feel free to talk about it in your meetings, of course.
The program you are entering for impaired nurses sounds stringent but not unfair. We all have to try to set right the wreckage of our past. It is part of moving on and continuing that healing process. The tough part is when you realize that you are now working on the wreckage caused *after* you get sober (lol).
Hang in there--you are doing great! I dont want to push too hard, but your impaired nurse program might trigger some shame and perhaps some resentment. You might consider journaling some of this as it bubbles to the surface (for that matter, you should make a copy of some of the posts from earlier this week and read them when you feeling really good about your program). Journalling really comes in handy when you begin working a formal 4th step.
Good luckhang in there and let us know how your are doing. For all we know, this little dialog could be planting seeds that will bloom for years into the future.
August
these 'steps' that everyone is talking about - are they in a book somewhere or on a website - i'd like to read them. any info would be appreciated. thanks
crystal
crystal
Crystal, the Steps were first introduced in 1939 by a very small group of recovering alcoholics. At the time of publication of the "Big Book," which contains the Steps, this group boasted 100 members in two cities, who had managed to figure out a way to stay clean and sober.
That organization is known as Alcoholics Anonymous and it is the grandparent of many off shoot organizations, including Narcotics Anonymous. AA can now be found in countless countries (I remember kayaking past a small village in a Costa Rica rain forest and seeing an AA sign), and has helped millions learn how to lead clean and sober lives. It applies to all folks that are having substance abuse issues. The drugs differ, the disease and the solution are the same.
You can read all about it yourself at the URL below. Most people recommend reading from preface forward. The "Steps" section of the Big Book consists of only 164 pages and I found it to be pretty good reading during my first three weeks clean and sober. There is no reason that you could not read this while you continue to taper, but the Steps are all about abstinence, so that would be your goal.
You can find it online at the URL below, but I recommend buying a hard copy of The Big Book, published by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. I have decided that my efforts can best be directed to those who choose to work the steps to stay clean and sober.
I actually looked over a number of your posts earlier this morning, Crystal, and I can tell that you really want to get off the pills. I am going to post "How it works" from the Big Book, under a separate thread, which is the introduction that most have to the steps. Read that, and if you want to try this out, I promise that I will try to help get you started.
The Steps are the mother lode of recovery. They may not be the only method, but before you become convinced that the naysayers have the solution, be sure to ask how much continuous time they have free of all drugs and alcohol. Since November 03 I have am taking medication for cancer pain (1 pill every 4 to 5 hours) far below the prescribed limit, and I am on this board trying to help others in an effort to resist the Beast. If you set aside my cancer meds, I have been clean and sober for 14 years.
Good luck. If you want to begin working on the steps, write me a post and I will be glad to help or answer questions any way I can.
All the best,
August
http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/index.html
That organization is known as Alcoholics Anonymous and it is the grandparent of many off shoot organizations, including Narcotics Anonymous. AA can now be found in countless countries (I remember kayaking past a small village in a Costa Rica rain forest and seeing an AA sign), and has helped millions learn how to lead clean and sober lives. It applies to all folks that are having substance abuse issues. The drugs differ, the disease and the solution are the same.
You can read all about it yourself at the URL below. Most people recommend reading from preface forward. The "Steps" section of the Big Book consists of only 164 pages and I found it to be pretty good reading during my first three weeks clean and sober. There is no reason that you could not read this while you continue to taper, but the Steps are all about abstinence, so that would be your goal.
You can find it online at the URL below, but I recommend buying a hard copy of The Big Book, published by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. I have decided that my efforts can best be directed to those who choose to work the steps to stay clean and sober.
I actually looked over a number of your posts earlier this morning, Crystal, and I can tell that you really want to get off the pills. I am going to post "How it works" from the Big Book, under a separate thread, which is the introduction that most have to the steps. Read that, and if you want to try this out, I promise that I will try to help get you started.
The Steps are the mother lode of recovery. They may not be the only method, but before you become convinced that the naysayers have the solution, be sure to ask how much continuous time they have free of all drugs and alcohol. Since November 03 I have am taking medication for cancer pain (1 pill every 4 to 5 hours) far below the prescribed limit, and I am on this board trying to help others in an effort to resist the Beast. If you set aside my cancer meds, I have been clean and sober for 14 years.
Good luck. If you want to begin working on the steps, write me a post and I will be glad to help or answer questions any way I can.
All the best,
August
http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/index.html
August,
I am going to do some research and reading on this. I definitely have heard of aa and alanon - my father is an alcoholic and so is my brother but i never ventured this route. thank you for taking the time to write all this info and i am certainly going to read up on it and see where i go from there. again, it made me feel special you took the time. thanks
crystal
I am going to do some research and reading on this. I definitely have heard of aa and alanon - my father is an alcoholic and so is my brother but i never ventured this route. thank you for taking the time to write all this info and i am certainly going to read up on it and see where i go from there. again, it made me feel special you took the time. thanks
crystal
it took us a while to abuse pills so it is going to take a while for us addicts to become "unaddicted". it is a constant fight for me but i have been free of pills for 5 weeks. i thank god every morning that i didn't use the day before when my urges strike. i am not at the part of mentally craving the pill and only remembering the high. however, i keep telling myself all of the bad things about abusing such as:
1. not feeling emotionally attached toward others
2. being alone and thinking i was content
3. constantly worrying about my next pill for every waking moment
4. worrying about my next prescription
5. worrying about the pharmacist looking at me strange
6. worrying about if i will die in my sleep
7. waking up feeling shitty
8. worrying about liver damage
1. not feeling emotionally attached toward others
2. being alone and thinking i was content
3. constantly worrying about my next pill for every waking moment
4. worrying about my next prescription
5. worrying about the pharmacist looking at me strange
6. worrying about if i will die in my sleep
7. waking up feeling shitty
8. worrying about liver damage
sharon-
have you ever run into anyone you know at the meetings? do you go to the meetings near where you live?
have you ever run into anyone you know at the meetings? do you go to the meetings near where you live?
other bad things with pain pills
9. feeling miserable and irritable
10. bad memory
11. weak and tired
12. having ot take a pill just to walk out the door
13. PAYING for them
14. isolation
thanks, that helped - there is nothing good about them - even when they help the pain, the side effects are tremendous - what a vicous cycle - it helps with the pain, then you feel bad you are tking them, then you stop taking them, then you have pain - yes alot of issues to be dealt with to realease the dis - ease.
good luck today everyone
crystal
9. feeling miserable and irritable
10. bad memory
11. weak and tired
12. having ot take a pill just to walk out the door
13. PAYING for them
14. isolation
thanks, that helped - there is nothing good about them - even when they help the pain, the side effects are tremendous - what a vicous cycle - it helps with the pain, then you feel bad you are tking them, then you stop taking them, then you have pain - yes alot of issues to be dealt with to realease the dis - ease.
good luck today everyone
crystal
