My Dad has been drinking extremely heavily for 10 years, before that drinking a lot for 45 years. Everyone in the family feels like anytime now he'll die. He looks beyond horrible, has turned into something that I don't even recognize as what used to be my father. I swore I'd never marry an alcoholic and I didn't. Because of all the physical and mental abuse my family went through. My My Dad is blue and red and purple in color, bloated badly, never eats but drinks 1/2 gallons of whiskey a day. He doesn't seem human to me anymore. I can't talk to him, not a normal conversation anyway. He gets angry and just yells. I haven't seen him in months, I just stay away because I'm afraid of him anymore. I don't want him to die, just his alcoholic person to. I want to spend time with my dad before he dies but my real dad is no longer there, it's just some monster. I don't know what to do. I wish I could tell him I love him but would he even realize it? Cause when he's this drunk all the time he doesn't listen, he doesn't seem to care, he just rolls his eyes.
Tell him anyhow.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't change it. that doesn't mean you cannot love him. True love is unconditional and true love does not keep score. Imagine if God waited for us to be righteous before loving us unconditionally?
If you're expecting to be loved back, he'll die, and you'll die carrying self-pity and resentment to the grave yourself, so love freely and without condition. You were built to do just that--not keep score of how others treat you. Ask God for the path and you'll be guided.
Or you can continue the insanity of trying to change others. Your call.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't change it. that doesn't mean you cannot love him. True love is unconditional and true love does not keep score. Imagine if God waited for us to be righteous before loving us unconditionally?
If you're expecting to be loved back, he'll die, and you'll die carrying self-pity and resentment to the grave yourself, so love freely and without condition. You were built to do just that--not keep score of how others treat you. Ask God for the path and you'll be guided.
Or you can continue the insanity of trying to change others. Your call.
I don't ever expect to change him, that's up to him and he's told me that he won't stop. And that is his choice and his alone. I myself have been through heroin addiction as well as meth. I am an addict, pure and simple; even though I am clean now. I pray for my Dad everyday. I know he has an illness.
Thank you for your reply, I am grateful. I will go tell him. I don't want to have a regret of never letting him know how much I do love him after he dies. I know he loves my brother and I, maybe he can't show it in his state now but I know he does. I will let him know how much I love him.
Thank you for your reply, I am grateful. I will go tell him. I don't want to have a regret of never letting him know how much I do love him after he dies. I know he loves my brother and I, maybe he can't show it in his state now but I know he does. I will let him know how much I love him.
If you are an addict then you know he's consumed with fear. Miracles happen every single moment and, at the very least, you will have carried that message. God knows your heart: Share it.
Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
I'm so sorry for what your going through.
My Husband was going through liver failure because of being a alcoholic and having hep C. I can't remember the name of it but there is something that builds up in their system and it changes their whole attitude.
His your Father against medical help?
My Husband was going through liver failure because of being a alcoholic and having hep C. I can't remember the name of it but there is something that builds up in their system and it changes their whole attitude.
His your Father against medical help?
My god brother, B, was an alcoholic. I remember that he stopped eating food almost entirely, preferring to drink vodka instead. He started drinking in college. We thought he was just partying and we were just in college. Shoot. . .back in college I could go toe to toe with him drinking. And we were drinking Jack Daniels. He was a functional alcoholic for about 10 years. But. . .then he could not get to work on time. He had to leave work several times a day to walk 20+ blocks to a bar (he didn't want his co-workers to see) and then return to work. He went to AA meetings . . .after having a drink or two to take off the edge & work up to courage to go. When he lost his job, he did a 28 day inpatient program and was sober for a year. But. . .he said he didn't like himself sober. He went right back to drinking . . .he just switched from JD to vodka. in fact, he drank so much that alcohol oozed from his pores 24/7/365.
B was brilliant. Got a full scholarship to college & finished in 3 years. Earned a master's degree from MIT before he was 23 years old. He was an affable, loving, carefree, wonderful, handsome, articulate, hard working, funny, empathetic man. If you met B, you'd automatically loved him. (My mother who didn't like anybody LOVED him) But he was an alcoholic. He loved drinking and how drinking made him feel. He also NEEDED to drink. He told me about the toll that 30+ years of drinking ravaged on his body. How his urine became other colors than yellow. How it was painful to urinate. How his back hurt all the time. How his skin color was changing. How his eyes were getting yellow. How he lost so much weight he had to shop in the boy's department, rather than men's. (He lived on the West Coast & I live on the East. So I never saw). But despite the pain, despite seeing how his body was shutting down little by little, despite losing everything to Absolut. . .he continued drinking.
Yes . . . it is soooo painful to watch someone you love kill themselves bc they are addicted. It's painful, hard, sad, frustrating. I get it. I've been there. . .not only with B. . .but also with my daughter whose drug of choice is heroin. Child. . .I do understand and feel for you. Here's a huge bear hug for you. But repeat after me: I didn't cause it; I can't control it; and I sure enough can't cure it. (Say it at least 2 more times.)
You didn't pick your father. And of course, as a child, you want, need & deserve to receive your parent's love and attention. The fact that he can't give it to you has nothing to do with you. It's nothing personal. It's the addiction. In any event, you can't control his actions or reactions.
What can you do? Go ahead. . .love your dad. . .as an addict . . .accept and love him in spite of himself. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you need to enable or accept being abused. What I am saying is recognize you are powerless over his addiction and act accordingly. Love him. . .but detach. I wrote letters to B and sent him cards. I let him know not only that I loved him but that he was valued and important. Of course, I encouraged him to be good to himself and to take care of himself. I kept the letters & cards light and happy. . . and usually did not talk about his drinking directly. I was always accepting and non-judgmental. And, I always finished every letter, card or conversation with him with "I love you." So. . .B had no doubt in his mind that I loved him very much. . .he also knew my boundaries . . .and that I hated the addiction. B passed away in April 2014 from alcoholism . . .he was 50 years old. In fact, today is his bday.
If you can't talk with your dad, or you are afraid of being rejected (again), send him cards that remind him that you do love him. I would not include much. . .just I Love You!. . .and sign your name. You won't know if he rolled his eyes or threw the card out or put it on the mantle. That's ok. This is going to be one-sided. You are not responsible for how he receives your jestures of love or tokens of affection. That's on him. Send them because you want to. . .but don't expect anything (not even a comment that he received the card) in return.
This truly sucks. I'm sorry that you are in this position with your dad. Keep posting here. Consider getting more support and help.. .not only as a child of an addict. . .but also to safeguard your own sobriety. Other family members? Your sponsor? Therapist? Alanon? AA?
Lynn
xoxo
B was brilliant. Got a full scholarship to college & finished in 3 years. Earned a master's degree from MIT before he was 23 years old. He was an affable, loving, carefree, wonderful, handsome, articulate, hard working, funny, empathetic man. If you met B, you'd automatically loved him. (My mother who didn't like anybody LOVED him) But he was an alcoholic. He loved drinking and how drinking made him feel. He also NEEDED to drink. He told me about the toll that 30+ years of drinking ravaged on his body. How his urine became other colors than yellow. How it was painful to urinate. How his back hurt all the time. How his skin color was changing. How his eyes were getting yellow. How he lost so much weight he had to shop in the boy's department, rather than men's. (He lived on the West Coast & I live on the East. So I never saw). But despite the pain, despite seeing how his body was shutting down little by little, despite losing everything to Absolut. . .he continued drinking.
Yes . . . it is soooo painful to watch someone you love kill themselves bc they are addicted. It's painful, hard, sad, frustrating. I get it. I've been there. . .not only with B. . .but also with my daughter whose drug of choice is heroin. Child. . .I do understand and feel for you. Here's a huge bear hug for you. But repeat after me: I didn't cause it; I can't control it; and I sure enough can't cure it. (Say it at least 2 more times.)
You didn't pick your father. And of course, as a child, you want, need & deserve to receive your parent's love and attention. The fact that he can't give it to you has nothing to do with you. It's nothing personal. It's the addiction. In any event, you can't control his actions or reactions.
What can you do? Go ahead. . .love your dad. . .as an addict . . .accept and love him in spite of himself. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you need to enable or accept being abused. What I am saying is recognize you are powerless over his addiction and act accordingly. Love him. . .but detach. I wrote letters to B and sent him cards. I let him know not only that I loved him but that he was valued and important. Of course, I encouraged him to be good to himself and to take care of himself. I kept the letters & cards light and happy. . . and usually did not talk about his drinking directly. I was always accepting and non-judgmental. And, I always finished every letter, card or conversation with him with "I love you." So. . .B had no doubt in his mind that I loved him very much. . .he also knew my boundaries . . .and that I hated the addiction. B passed away in April 2014 from alcoholism . . .he was 50 years old. In fact, today is his bday.
If you can't talk with your dad, or you are afraid of being rejected (again), send him cards that remind him that you do love him. I would not include much. . .just I Love You!. . .and sign your name. You won't know if he rolled his eyes or threw the card out or put it on the mantle. That's ok. This is going to be one-sided. You are not responsible for how he receives your jestures of love or tokens of affection. That's on him. Send them because you want to. . .but don't expect anything (not even a comment that he received the card) in return.
This truly sucks. I'm sorry that you are in this position with your dad. Keep posting here. Consider getting more support and help.. .not only as a child of an addict. . .but also to safeguard your own sobriety. Other family members? Your sponsor? Therapist? Alanon? AA?
Lynn
xoxo
I am so sorry my dear....I have lost both parents now...my daddy last year. It was devastating . When my mother was sick we didn't talk. I regret it to this day. This experience was enough to PUSH me to talk to my Dad when he was dying. We just didn't talk about feelings in our family. IM SO GLAD I DID. Its so hard to be in their presence when they are using but I think its REALLY important . Sending a letter may be a good choice. You can really take your time to say what you want without the eye rolling or ANY sort of feedback which may stop you in your tracks if you are talking face to face...and YES he will get it..it will matter even if he doesn't act as if. That is a defense mechanism to stop him from feeling uncomfortable.Good luck..
I agree w jen and lynn - my first thought was to send a card once a week. thinking of you.... dont lay a lot on him. brief but heartfelt message. at least you will feel comforted that you let him know you care. without the pain/drama of talking in person. its better than not saying anything for months. when he reads a card he can digest it in his own time.
