I posted a few weeks ago or so, about my ex. We were trying to work things out. Everyone here said to leave, especially with a child involved.
Well, he decided not to try and find a rehab. He has not gone to counseling.
I went to our "marriage" therapist (he stopped going awhile ago). He explained there is a more important issue right now than his addiction. He claims my ex is a "perpetrator of abuse," namely emotional (cursing, name calling, accusations, calling me a liar, jealousy, intimidation, etc). I just felt previously it was an anger problem. I don't intimidate easily, so I didn't see that sign. The therapist says this goes beyond an anger management issue. He is in fear for me and my child's safety. He believes the next step is physical abuse. The therapist used to do group and individual therapy for these type of abusers.
The therapist said some could be explained if he was currently using. However, even when he is sober, he acts the same way. The jealousy is out of control. He even accused me of having an affair with the therapist! He got jealous when I went out to eat with my son (only) Thursday.
Yesterday, I went to counseling by myself, again. He asked what we talked about, and I said, "You." He immediately got defensive and said we were over. Calmly, I replied that was fine. He cussed and name called more, denying he is emotionally abusive (typical according to the therapist). I told him to have a good day and hung up. He called back later, and stated that if I took our son from him (ie, giving him only supervised visits as per our divorce decree), he would "make me pay." Sounds like a threat to me.
The therapist said he would testify in court if necessary about the emotional abuse. He said my ex has a better chance getting off crack than changing his emotional abusive behavior.
At this point, I don't even care. I haven't cried at all. It's like nothing has happened. I am assuming I have just had enough of the crack and his terrible behavior. Is this normal?
different people react in different ways to these kinds of situations. you may be overwhelmed later, so your current condition may not be permanent. your reaction may be delayed or deferred. the jealousy thing is not surprising. i've seen plenty of that. it's an obsession related to control, i think. sounds like you still desire to "engage" him in debate. maybe provoke him. i doubt that that's healthy for you.
you have secured an professional therapist and presumably are paying him/her good money to listen and give advice. what has the therapist advised you to do ? have you taken and acted on that advice ? if not, and you intend to, what is your plan and timetable ?
you have secured an professional therapist and presumably are paying him/her good money to listen and give advice. what has the therapist advised you to do ? have you taken and acted on that advice ? if not, and you intend to, what is your plan and timetable ?
I asked the therapist if I should tell my ex what we talked about and he said yes. He only advised me (at this point) to think about what I want to do, since he gave me a lot to think about.
I don't feel like I provoked him. He was still mad from the other night (I went out to eat with my son!). He knows, since this is a relationship therapist, what/who we talked about. He just got defensive and I didn't care anymore. He suggested to end things and I was fine with that.
I think the prognosis from the therapist influenced me a lot. I know it is very difficult to get over crack dependency, and this "emotional abuse" has an even lower success rate.
I don't feel like I provoked him. He was still mad from the other night (I went out to eat with my son!). He knows, since this is a relationship therapist, what/who we talked about. He just got defensive and I didn't care anymore. He suggested to end things and I was fine with that.
I think the prognosis from the therapist influenced me a lot. I know it is very difficult to get over crack dependency, and this "emotional abuse" has an even lower success rate.
i think you are right. the abuser needs the activity for some selfish reason. or, like alcoholics --"they drink because they drink." abusers abuse because they abuse. no need to go any deeper than that. just got to get out of it, then deal with any aftermath. (like cleaning up the debris after a wind storm.)
Dear Confused,
I personally think that emotional abuse is even worse than physical because it takes a LONG time to heal. My daughter's exboyfriend sounds just like your husband. He is still making threats to this day because my daughter had a child to him and is trying to protect her from him. He had even gone so far as to bring a gun into our home when my daughter was pregnant, threatening to kill himself, but I was scared to death he was going to turn on us first. Please do whatever you have to do to keep yourself and your child safe! You are in my thoughts and prayers! God bless!
Love,
Susan
I personally think that emotional abuse is even worse than physical because it takes a LONG time to heal. My daughter's exboyfriend sounds just like your husband. He is still making threats to this day because my daughter had a child to him and is trying to protect her from him. He had even gone so far as to bring a gun into our home when my daughter was pregnant, threatening to kill himself, but I was scared to death he was going to turn on us first. Please do whatever you have to do to keep yourself and your child safe! You are in my thoughts and prayers! God bless!
Love,
Susan
I have the same experience when we went to counselors. If I felt like the counselor was sincere and could help us, it would be decided that we didn't need the help. We could work it out ourselves. NOT.
funny thing,,, looking back, I have always been analytical. I have to know why. I loved to be the one on the outside helping my friends see things from a different prospective. But it is hard to look at yourself objectively in the mirror and make those same conclusions. I guess that is why God intended for us humans to crave relationships, we can't make it on our own. And God purposely places others in our paths who have been through what we are experiencing.
And that is why we have this post. I have been more determined than ever to keep my boundaries in place. I will not be talked down to anymore. And if I "don't like it".....I really can leave the situation. I did resent all the people who would walk away when they were offended by my SO, mainly because I couldn't. But now I do without a second thought. And the boys are now talking to me about not understanding his behavior.
As for the jealousy. My 21 year old is home on leave before going off to war. I gave him a key to my place while he is here. He has learned like me not to make waves. It is sad when a father is jealous of a son wanting to spend time with his own mother. But, we work around it. I just glad he is home right now.
funny thing,,, looking back, I have always been analytical. I have to know why. I loved to be the one on the outside helping my friends see things from a different prospective. But it is hard to look at yourself objectively in the mirror and make those same conclusions. I guess that is why God intended for us humans to crave relationships, we can't make it on our own. And God purposely places others in our paths who have been through what we are experiencing.
And that is why we have this post. I have been more determined than ever to keep my boundaries in place. I will not be talked down to anymore. And if I "don't like it".....I really can leave the situation. I did resent all the people who would walk away when they were offended by my SO, mainly because I couldn't. But now I do without a second thought. And the boys are now talking to me about not understanding his behavior.
As for the jealousy. My 21 year old is home on leave before going off to war. I gave him a key to my place while he is here. He has learned like me not to make waves. It is sad when a father is jealous of a son wanting to spend time with his own mother. But, we work around it. I just glad he is home right now.
Thank you to everyone who has replied. I still feel like this is the right thing to do. He hasn't called either, so I am assuming he is fine with things too. I did get asked out on a date last night and I accepted. I am looking forward to moving on quickly and putting this nightmare behind me. Again, thank you to everyone.
