hi ive posted here before and got some hectic feedback ,from all the feedback i received i actually did one thing ,i stopped asking my partner if his using i stopped asking him to take tests and ive loved him unconditionally without mentioning drugs ,in the last 2 months we moved into a new place and things were great until suddenly we didnt have money to survive for the month and then i found burnt bottle caps in a bag and then he broke down and told me his been smoking heroin since last year September and his been hiding it and i always knew at the back of my mind.anyway i just wanted to share my story and hopefully get some feedback regarding my issue,should i still live with him? i cant kick him out as we are paying our place together and i wouldnt allow him to sleep on the streets again .so what now?
Glad you checked in Roc . . .
My suggestion is go to Naranon or Alanon meetings.
Good luck,
Lynn
xoxo
My suggestion is go to Naranon or Alanon meetings.
Good luck,
Lynn
xoxo
oh I am sorry but really dont know what to suggest apart from kicking him out :( so sorry
Sweetie . . .my answer today is no different than my answer when you first posted.
I understand that you want your fairy tale. . .that you want your love to win over addiction . . .that you believe if you just stick it thru with your honey things will change. Sorry . . .that's not how Addiction works. We all tried to warn you. I guess Addiction had to show you . . .
To recap my previous position: Run . . .don't walk away before his Addiction sucks you down, too.
Sending hugs . . . I know you are disappointed . . .and want a different answer,
Lynn
xoxo
I understand that you want your fairy tale. . .that you want your love to win over addiction . . .that you believe if you just stick it thru with your honey things will change. Sorry . . .that's not how Addiction works. We all tried to warn you. I guess Addiction had to show you . . .
To recap my previous position: Run . . .don't walk away before his Addiction sucks you down, too.
Sending hugs . . . I know you are disappointed . . .and want a different answer,
Lynn
xoxo
I am so sorry for you. I am hoping your bf will want to get help. You can't force anyone to get help, but what you can do is help yourself. It will be very easy to get addicted to your bf. Educate yourself. Try to find meetings. There are a lot of books to help you. When the people we love are addicts, we can become just as sick as they are. Our love & their world consumes us. My daughter's addiction has made her & me do things I could never imagine. She would lie, cheat & steal to get her fix. I would enable, cry and not want to believe the things she was doing. Finally I had to throw her out of my home. I set boundaries & we both would have to stick to them. Knowledge & faith is my only power. Good luck to you. prayers for you both
Your post confuses me...your asking should you still live with him? and then state you wont put him out? You won't have to put him out because you will BOTH be out...you will both be on the streets. If you don't have money to survive the month then what? You will beg , borrow and steal to keep your heads above water while he continues to use. EVERYONE you know will get tired of it and wash their hands of you and then you will both be out. Hopefully you will not get pregnant and or start using with him like I did with my addict. These answers are not "hectic" my dear...they are the truth.
so true Jen, i just didnt want to point that but usually it ends badly.. you have at least put some money on side for you only to know about it and keep putting away any coin you can .. i am afraid for you to be honest , having money in case things goes badly you an always pay for single room so you dont end up on street or sleeping on sofa at friend/family place ! You really should start going to meetings and make support network just for you .. please do it ,please
something similar happened to a relative - twice her bf came home from jail, they got larger apartment, after all, he would be working!, a few months later, he's back in jail, she's struggling to pay the rent as a single mother with one child. over the past 10 years, he has been in jail more than out, and has not worked for more than a few months at a time.
you have to have a talk with him, again - he needs to be honest about what he is able to do - either its you two together, or its the drugs and you need to split up. IF he wants to stay together, both of you decide on boundaries and rules. Does he work? If not, he should go to in patient or out patient rehab, some program, etc. If he does work, half his pay should go to the house hold - which YOU manage in an account that he is NOT joint on. dont even do banking in the same bank.
you have to have a talk with him, again - he needs to be honest about what he is able to do - either its you two together, or its the drugs and you need to split up. IF he wants to stay together, both of you decide on boundaries and rules. Does he work? If not, he should go to in patient or out patient rehab, some program, etc. If he does work, half his pay should go to the house hold - which YOU manage in an account that he is NOT joint on. dont even do banking in the same bank.
hi and thank you everyone - i sit here at work and i use this as a tool to get by ,
hurtingmom i know you said i should run ,everyones says leave,but im not that strong,i hope someone here understands me,i tried kicking him out and he has left me notes at home saying im better off without him and i go crazy of worrying ,i cant shut down ,or cut him off knowing how crazy the world is out there i wish it was that easy to just leave him alone. i know you all are tyring to help and i really appreciate it i truly do .
we decided to go something , please let me know your thoughts
Methadone works on parts of the brain and spinal cord to block the "high" caused by using opiates (such as heroin). It also helps reduce cravings and withdrawal symptoms caused by opiate use. The action of methadone is similar to other synthetic (man-made) medicines in the morphine category (opioids). Substances that are derived directly from the opium plant (such as heroin, morphine, and codeine) are known as opiates
we going to the doc to get a script for methadone and get him clean this way .....
hurtingmom i know you said i should run ,everyones says leave,but im not that strong,i hope someone here understands me,i tried kicking him out and he has left me notes at home saying im better off without him and i go crazy of worrying ,i cant shut down ,or cut him off knowing how crazy the world is out there i wish it was that easy to just leave him alone. i know you all are tyring to help and i really appreciate it i truly do .
we decided to go something , please let me know your thoughts
Methadone works on parts of the brain and spinal cord to block the "high" caused by using opiates (such as heroin). It also helps reduce cravings and withdrawal symptoms caused by opiate use. The action of methadone is similar to other synthetic (man-made) medicines in the morphine category (opioids). Substances that are derived directly from the opium plant (such as heroin, morphine, and codeine) are known as opiates
we going to the doc to get a script for methadone and get him clean this way .....
QUOTE: "We going to the doc to get a script for methadone and get him clean this way ....."
WE?????!!!! Have you heard one thing that anybody has said about this being his monkey & his show??? Do you really believe that you can battle addiction for and with him? Have you researched co-dependency? Have you gone to a meeting? Seen a therapist? Ok...you apparently know more or have more insight or haven something that none of the rest of us haves. You are a grown up, too. So....do what you think is right for you. I hope everything works out as you hope & dream. Please let us know.
Sending many hugs & prayers,
Lynn
Btw...battered & abused wives say the same thing about leaving their batterer/reasons to stay.....I'm just saying
WE?????!!!! Have you heard one thing that anybody has said about this being his monkey & his show??? Do you really believe that you can battle addiction for and with him? Have you researched co-dependency? Have you gone to a meeting? Seen a therapist? Ok...you apparently know more or have more insight or haven something that none of the rest of us haves. You are a grown up, too. So....do what you think is right for you. I hope everything works out as you hope & dream. Please let us know.
Sending many hugs & prayers,
Lynn
Btw...battered & abused wives say the same thing about leaving their batterer/reasons to stay.....I'm just saying
hurting mom.....you dont have to be so mean about it.im trying to do whats best and hence me trying to find a way and find a solution,find strength to let go and leave
i read these posts everyday! everyday ! i try everyday to leave but i cant
its so easy because you've been there, done that but you not having to deal with it now,you've dealt with it already .has losing your daughter made you a bitter in-compassionate person ? because your literally just screaming things ive already heard but just because your telling me theres things doesnt mean ive got the strength and will power to do it
i will crumble ,i will probably lose my job because i wont be able to cope with the thought of where he is ,has he done too much this time,will he get in fights,will people kill him.this s*** is terrifying!!!! dont you get that!!! ill be a zombie ,lifeless and numb,ill go mentally crazy
im sorry im not strong enough ,im sorry for having so much faith and believe in a higher power
yes im confused i dont know what to do so i go according to what i feel even if its to try methodane and stick with him as he detox in our rooms and care for him ,i know 1 thing for sure he bearley survived living on the road before i met him and 2nd time around i know he wont be as lucky -cape town is a f#cked up place
i read these posts everyday! everyday ! i try everyday to leave but i cant
its so easy because you've been there, done that but you not having to deal with it now,you've dealt with it already .has losing your daughter made you a bitter in-compassionate person ? because your literally just screaming things ive already heard but just because your telling me theres things doesnt mean ive got the strength and will power to do it
i will crumble ,i will probably lose my job because i wont be able to cope with the thought of where he is ,has he done too much this time,will he get in fights,will people kill him.this s*** is terrifying!!!! dont you get that!!! ill be a zombie ,lifeless and numb,ill go mentally crazy
im sorry im not strong enough ,im sorry for having so much faith and believe in a higher power
yes im confused i dont know what to do so i go according to what i feel even if its to try methodane and stick with him as he detox in our rooms and care for him ,i know 1 thing for sure he bearley survived living on the road before i met him and 2nd time around i know he wont be as lucky -cape town is a f#cked up place
Perhaps losing my daughter has made me mean, bitter & impatient. I know it literally rocked my world...and I will never ever be the same. Her addiction did a number on me, my heart, my mind & my pocket book. I am trying to share my experience & that of my daughter....in the hopes it may help you....or someone else. Im also giving you Mama advice. As I think I've said before...life is too short to make all the mistakes yourself. Sorry....I call a spade a shovel. So....yes... I'm being perfectly honest...I'm not sugar coating my words...
If you are waiting for me to say, "you go, girl. Do what you have to do to battle his addiction, make his life better & keep him In your life", you'll be waiting. But...y'kniw what Sweetie, from now on... me & my opinion don't have boo to say to you. I'm done.
Good luck!!! Much love. Hope y'all win against addiction.
Lynn
If you are waiting for me to say, "you go, girl. Do what you have to do to battle his addiction, make his life better & keep him In your life", you'll be waiting. But...y'kniw what Sweetie, from now on... me & my opinion don't have boo to say to you. I'm done.
Good luck!!! Much love. Hope y'all win against addiction.
Lynn
show me someone who thinks 100% when going through something like this
ill rather stay away from this site and keep it to myself
thank you anyway
ill rather stay away from this site and keep it to myself
thank you anyway
You can't LIVE without HIM. He can't LIVE without DRUGS. Perfect storm. You need help my dear...no one should be THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL over another person. You are in for a hard fall. I hope you have your parachute ready.
Everyone here is well versed in addiction and we are trying to help you make healthy choices. I am an addict in recovery and I can tell you that NOTHING you can do will help him recover! You can't love him enough to make him well.
I understand that your mind is all crazy right now and you feel like you can't survive without him..that you can't throw him out...that you won't be able to think about anything else...I hate to be the one to point this out, but what you have for him is not love, it is sickness. You are as addicted to him as he is to drugs. Research codependency and find a good support group or therapist. I say this because even if you leave him, being a codependent is like being an addict, in a way. You will bring your codependent ways to any relationship you have in the future unless you deal with it. I think you are selling yourself short! You deserve more than a partner who lies to you and leaves you without money for your basic survival.
A truly healthy relationship is one of mutual respect and honesty. It is loving each other, but also enjoying time apart. You should have friends to hang out with and hobbies to do without him...just you! Total emeshment is not love, it is sickness.
Hurtingmom, is NOT bitter..if she was, she would never bother coming here to help others. There is no other bond stronger than a mother for their child. If anyone could "love" addiction out of someone, it would be their mother...and yet, her beloved daughter died from this disease. Your significant other may very well succomb to this disease too. Many people die and it isn't because they weren't loved enough. It is because addiction is a disease, a chronic, relapsing disease that is subject to relapse and resisitant to treatment. So, I think Hurtingmom is a hero and you will too when you finally get sick of being as sick as your partner.
Methadone can be a great tool for recovery, but you need to stay out of his recovery plan. His recovery is his business, your recovery from enabling and codependence is yours. It is scary to let go of our old ways of living. Sometimes we feel that we don't deserve more than what we have. We get used to the status quo and even though it sucks, we feel powerless to change it. Believe me, I get that...everyone here gets that!!! We are just trying to help you see the writing on the wall before it is twenty years and three kids later and he is still leaving you with no money and your kids are living in chaos! The trajectory of addiction is always downhill...unless recovery happens. But, as we have said, this is for him to do. Your job is to work on you, your self esteem. You need to figure out why you feel like you can't function without this guy...the one who lies to you and doesn't put you first. You need to figure out why you are ok being treated like a second class citizen in your own home.
Please, please try to read about codependency. There is a book called "codependent no more" that was written a long time ago but has never been more relevant! Try Al-anon or Nar-anon, the family groups of alcoholics anonymous and narcotics anonymous. CoDA (codependents anonymous) might have meetings in your area. We want you to be happy and thrive! We want you to enjoy your life, hobbies, friends...everyone deserves these things....unfortunately, your insistance of trying to "save" him, even when the facts say you can't, is robbing you of a full life, filled with happiness. Please get the help you need...We are rooting for you!!!!
I understand that your mind is all crazy right now and you feel like you can't survive without him..that you can't throw him out...that you won't be able to think about anything else...I hate to be the one to point this out, but what you have for him is not love, it is sickness. You are as addicted to him as he is to drugs. Research codependency and find a good support group or therapist. I say this because even if you leave him, being a codependent is like being an addict, in a way. You will bring your codependent ways to any relationship you have in the future unless you deal with it. I think you are selling yourself short! You deserve more than a partner who lies to you and leaves you without money for your basic survival.
A truly healthy relationship is one of mutual respect and honesty. It is loving each other, but also enjoying time apart. You should have friends to hang out with and hobbies to do without him...just you! Total emeshment is not love, it is sickness.
Hurtingmom, is NOT bitter..if she was, she would never bother coming here to help others. There is no other bond stronger than a mother for their child. If anyone could "love" addiction out of someone, it would be their mother...and yet, her beloved daughter died from this disease. Your significant other may very well succomb to this disease too. Many people die and it isn't because they weren't loved enough. It is because addiction is a disease, a chronic, relapsing disease that is subject to relapse and resisitant to treatment. So, I think Hurtingmom is a hero and you will too when you finally get sick of being as sick as your partner.
Methadone can be a great tool for recovery, but you need to stay out of his recovery plan. His recovery is his business, your recovery from enabling and codependence is yours. It is scary to let go of our old ways of living. Sometimes we feel that we don't deserve more than what we have. We get used to the status quo and even though it sucks, we feel powerless to change it. Believe me, I get that...everyone here gets that!!! We are just trying to help you see the writing on the wall before it is twenty years and three kids later and he is still leaving you with no money and your kids are living in chaos! The trajectory of addiction is always downhill...unless recovery happens. But, as we have said, this is for him to do. Your job is to work on you, your self esteem. You need to figure out why you feel like you can't function without this guy...the one who lies to you and doesn't put you first. You need to figure out why you are ok being treated like a second class citizen in your own home.
Please, please try to read about codependency. There is a book called "codependent no more" that was written a long time ago but has never been more relevant! Try Al-anon or Nar-anon, the family groups of alcoholics anonymous and narcotics anonymous. CoDA (codependents anonymous) might have meetings in your area. We want you to be happy and thrive! We want you to enjoy your life, hobbies, friends...everyone deserves these things....unfortunately, your insistance of trying to "save" him, even when the facts say you can't, is robbing you of a full life, filled with happiness. Please get the help you need...We are rooting for you!!!!
Roc
No disrespect but it seems like you only want people to agree with you
Or tell you it will work out.
This is a great site and the people really care. That's why they take the time
To share their experience. HM is one of the nicest people on here that truly
Care. She lost her daughter and I think it was very rude of you to say she's bitter.
She gets on here and helps people that's still struggling with their loved ones.
I have a son that is addicted to meth and in a very bad place. I don't know
From day to day if he will be alive or dead but the people on here help me deal
With the pain, stress, everything.
People has pissed me off at time but after I thought about it .. I asked for their
Opinion.
Don't take things personally. Listen and learn from all of us going through it
My son is 21 and I have had to detach but he knows I love him and will never give up.
Prayers
Paula
No disrespect but it seems like you only want people to agree with you
Or tell you it will work out.
This is a great site and the people really care. That's why they take the time
To share their experience. HM is one of the nicest people on here that truly
Care. She lost her daughter and I think it was very rude of you to say she's bitter.
She gets on here and helps people that's still struggling with their loved ones.
I have a son that is addicted to meth and in a very bad place. I don't know
From day to day if he will be alive or dead but the people on here help me deal
With the pain, stress, everything.
People has pissed me off at time but after I thought about it .. I asked for their
Opinion.
Don't take things personally. Listen and learn from all of us going through it
My son is 21 and I have had to detach but he knows I love him and will never give up.
Prayers
Paula
Hi Roc- In my own experience, addiction is usually bigger and badder than any one person can handle. I have been on both sides of the coin in my life. I've been the addicted one and I've been the one who tried to "stand by and save at any cost" every addict in my life. Many times I reached out for advise and guidance because i wanted someone to help tell me what to do next, but until it was my "own" idea, until I recognized my part in the whole dysfunctional dance, I was unable to "hear" what was being said to me and then act on it. So I get where you're coming from, I just don't think you see it fully yet. I know for me, I couldn't do it alone, so I went into the rooms of recovery, live, face to face recovery rooms. I have never looked back since. If you are looking for advice, mine is to try a face to face alanon meeting in your area.best wishes
For some reason there seems to be a rash of negative commenters here lately. It is disappointing to me when I see hurtful comments made to members of this community who have shared their fears, hopes and heartaches, along with valued advice that is asked for.
Sometimes we say what others do not want to hear, but hard truths are necessary.
With that being said, here is my input, as diplomatically as possible:
Your boyfriend's battle with addiction is his battle, not yours. You can't fight it for him, or alongside him. He needs to fight it on his own, otherwise you'll be doing this the rest of your life.
Is that what you want? Many have suggested support groups. I don't know if you've tried any, but give it a shot.
Sometimes we say what others do not want to hear, but hard truths are necessary.
With that being said, here is my input, as diplomatically as possible:
Your boyfriend's battle with addiction is his battle, not yours. You can't fight it for him, or alongside him. He needs to fight it on his own, otherwise you'll be doing this the rest of your life.
Is that what you want? Many have suggested support groups. I don't know if you've tried any, but give it a shot.
Wow....you sound just like us in active addiction. .I can't. ..can't work...can't cope...just can't do anything because of the dope ...ever occur to you that cutting him loose doesn't have to last forever if he gets his s*** together? I know when my habit has crossed the boundaries of what my spouse has set up ...I get cut loose to either deal with it or not. ..sometimes takes a few months. ..sometimes takes way longer...all depends on me...methadone is a good option but it should be his option. ..and not something your involved in. ..doesn't help at intake if your sitting there and we have to lie about our use ...just saying. ..also...it only works if he works with it...it's not a magic wand...and no...you can't make it work for him if he doesn't want it to....
Btw...ever notice how angry it makes you when someone says something you know is the truth but don't want to hear it ? ..kind of like when you tell us were using too much...or you think we need help..or...or...or...
HM told you the truth...you lashed out...just like us addicts. ..get it ? .
Ps...we got HM's 6 here...and not all of us are as patient. ..or as forgiving...hold that thought if you ever come back...
Peace
Con
Six...6...military term
Btw...ever notice how angry it makes you when someone says something you know is the truth but don't want to hear it ? ..kind of like when you tell us were using too much...or you think we need help..or...or...or...
HM told you the truth...you lashed out...just like us addicts. ..get it ? .
Ps...we got HM's 6 here...and not all of us are as patient. ..or as forgiving...hold that thought if you ever come back...
Peace
Con
Six...6...military term
Roc
I come here about my son!!! Which is something a mother should never do CUT HIM LOOSE!!! But I've done it. This site has helped in so many ways. I didn't think for one sec. that reading here would help me, but when you start reading and see so many similarities a bell goes off in your head. I told my son to take the sabxon if I spelled that right. And then he started with methadone and he throws it in my face each and everyday. If I just detoxed if I didn't listen to you. That's all I heard. I didn't know much then just wanted him to stay clean. He then started using that and pills so I didn't help just dragged it out much longer. I wish I would of cut him loose, learn to say no, let him fall by himself and detached with love. Please trust that the lovely people on here cause and are trying to help.
Dee God Bless
I come here about my son!!! Which is something a mother should never do CUT HIM LOOSE!!! But I've done it. This site has helped in so many ways. I didn't think for one sec. that reading here would help me, but when you start reading and see so many similarities a bell goes off in your head. I told my son to take the sabxon if I spelled that right. And then he started with methadone and he throws it in my face each and everyday. If I just detoxed if I didn't listen to you. That's all I heard. I didn't know much then just wanted him to stay clean. He then started using that and pills so I didn't help just dragged it out much longer. I wish I would of cut him loose, learn to say no, let him fall by himself and detached with love. Please trust that the lovely people on here cause and are trying to help.
Dee God Bless
