It's now 5:36 AM and once again I'm sitting here at my computer thinking "What am I Doing? Why do I continually inflict this agony onto myself?" Ive been addicted to crystal since about may. i've always thought of myself as different than everyone else..had my head on straight, down to earth and had will power to accomplish anything or overcome anything...well not this...this drug, this thing, this evil in my life is beyond will power...it doesnt just take over the mind, it physically takes over the body where it is so used to being a certain way , it doesnt know how to perform otherwise. It started out, just like everyone else, here and there for fun but weekends merged into weekdays and it wasnt just there being high for fun but led to being high to accomplish basic everyday tasks...otherwise, i would lay in bed all day sleeping or tossing and turning. If I really made myself I could last about a week which was brutal enough (thinking about it every second and comparing to times when i was high) but usually didnt last 2 days...the thought of getting it would make my body feel this undescribable inner aching that just wouldnt let up....after the normal months of denial that this drug had no power over me, i surrendered to it.. I said you've won..now let me be...but not so easy. All my life I saw ads, heard presentations watched tv and always thought of drug addicts as low life or trashy but i still (to the best of my ability right now) still hold onto the things which prevent me from appearing that way to the outside world but inside I feel like the dirtiest trash in the world. It took very committed friends to stand up to me and literally say "I miss the old Greg...please just do it for me.. its hurts me more than you will ever know." I said " the old greg!?" looking at my life, i didnt think anything changed but i needed the outside world looking in to open up my eyes that the things and people that used to bring me happiness were put on the back burner and the things associated with getting high were top priority...ANYWAY..so why am i writing a book to strangers on a website I just found when I should be laying in bed? Because every now and then, not just when I'm coming down, but high also, I kinda just look at crystal meth sites and see what they have to say, hopefully finding something thought prevoking and usually its very short-timed and I move onto something else...Well, I know I'm not gonna find a miracle but for the first time I found support message boards and figured it couldnt hurt to see what other people had to say about it and a quote in the first post i read said "my worst day clean is better than my best day high" and it really caught my eye because more than anything in the world I think, I say, I cry and scream that I want to be "ME" again and stop only associating fun times or happy times with times I was high the most...To me right now this second, my quote would be "my worst day clean is unimaginable and my best day high is my only hope for any bit of happiness I can cling on to." I've been on the crystal rollercoaster for so long that I really don't know what normal is anymore...thats all it is is ups and downs of being high, more high and dissappointed because i wasnt as high this time as i was last time. My emotions are so scrambled and I'm afraid that my once lively and spirited being is becoming cold, indifferent and soul-less. Just in writing this helps just to say things I feel...this goal seems so impossible though I want it so badly....worst of all...most likely tomorrow (well today now) ...I'll be running around here and there to see whos around to get my next bags....and this cycle will go on forever till i just crash and burn....boy, i havent written that much since college which was only last year but still..just shows i care enough to be writing it...thanks for being there to listen :)
Hey, Greg. Every word you wrote tells me you want to stop..and it's just a matter of time before you do. I too thought my daughter was lost forever to meth..I wanted the "old britt" back so bad it hurt. She too would ache to stop and then the cravings would take over and she'd be back to square one feeling like trash. Today she has over 60 days clean. I tried EVERYTHING to help her...in the end it was her who made the decision to stop and you will too. You will seek out new avenues to get where you want to go and new people will show up in your life and the "old Greg" will emerge. Turn to those who said they want the "old greg" back. Tell yourself I'm not going to do it just for today..and when the craving hits call that one person who you know will not judge you but just talk to you until that craving passes...my daughter said the cravings are tough, but they always pass. Come here when you feel the urge and people will talk you through it. You can do this, Greg. You really can. You're going to get your life and your self respect back and in time you will see that that is way better than any high you get from any drug. I'm pulling for you.
Just go one hour at a time.
Just go one hour at a time.
Hi Greg! Like my little slogan eh? I got that from one of the stories in the NA basic text.
I know how hard it is to quit. I shot up Crystal for about 5 months, the last time I did someone had cut it with Epsom Salts. I was sick as a dog for 5 days. Silly me decided to shoot cocainie instead. That led me to addict hell. I checked into Outpatient rehab, until the Inpatient rehab had a bed for me. The hardest thing I had to do was to stop buying. Inpatient made it impossible for me to use, for 4 weeks. I relapsed 8 days after I got out (AMA). Since that relapse I haven't used. It's been 5 months for me. I got rid of my using buddies, deleted dealer numbers and I have one friend who calls me every now and then. Every conversation with him contains, "I'm still clean, I CAN'T USE, NOT EVEN ONCE" I was going to NA, but have slacked off for the past month and a half, because I got busy getting ready for a move. I plan on starting back after the first of the year. I miss all of my NA friends, but I have phone numbers in case of stinkin thinking. I am accountable for every penny I spend, my husband doesn't give me cash (still a trigger for me) and I write checks for EVERYTHING.
I know how hard it is to quit. I shot up Crystal for about 5 months, the last time I did someone had cut it with Epsom Salts. I was sick as a dog for 5 days. Silly me decided to shoot cocainie instead. That led me to addict hell. I checked into Outpatient rehab, until the Inpatient rehab had a bed for me. The hardest thing I had to do was to stop buying. Inpatient made it impossible for me to use, for 4 weeks. I relapsed 8 days after I got out (AMA). Since that relapse I haven't used. It's been 5 months for me. I got rid of my using buddies, deleted dealer numbers and I have one friend who calls me every now and then. Every conversation with him contains, "I'm still clean, I CAN'T USE, NOT EVEN ONCE" I was going to NA, but have slacked off for the past month and a half, because I got busy getting ready for a move. I plan on starting back after the first of the year. I miss all of my NA friends, but I have phone numbers in case of stinkin thinking. I am accountable for every penny I spend, my husband doesn't give me cash (still a trigger for me) and I write checks for EVERYTHING.
