Has anyone ever experienced a good deal of clean time only to sadly relapse without any real conscious premeditation to do so beforehand?
If so...what 'trigger' in particular do you believe led to the fall so to speak?
MARY
Hi Mary, although I feel I've got it sorted now, I still have things that make me want to score, even though I don't act on it. Loneliness - wanting to reconnect to those relationships that used to revolve around smack that I have forsaken in order to be free. Dreams about heroin make me wake up with one thing on my mind. Emotional pain, and wanting to escape it. And good old fashioned self-loathing - it's the self-sabotage thing, cutting off your nose to spite your face. It's one of those things that I've only really woken up to recently, and it's very similar to the urge to self harm. It's quite complex really. Like when somebody hurts you, you turn the feelings inwards, almost like bullying yourself. Almost like saying, "here, look at what you have done to me, look at what you have driven me to..." And at the time it feels like you're saying that to the b****** who has hurt you, but in reality you're saying it to yourself. You're inflicting a wound to say "this is how you make me feel". But deep down it's a reflection of how we already do feel about ourselves. Like we don't deserve any better. The only thing that stops that vicious cycle is to find the self respect to treat ourselves better. To learn how to be kind to ourselves. To stick up for ourselves instead of beating ourselves up.
Anyway, I've taken my tablets early today, and am getting a fuzzy head. Not having a great day today...
love
Diff xxx
Anyway, I've taken my tablets early today, and am getting a fuzzy head. Not having a great day today...
love
Diff xxx
Hey Diff,
You talk about loneliness.....i know full well about that subject whether i was drinking or sober....in a relationship or not....with a friend or by myself....surrounded by family members....or a crowd of complete strangers..
I remember the ex bf saying how he didn't like to shoot up alone....but what i have witnessed in the past...when he failed to hide his 'lie'....was that solitary introspective 'nod' he mentally crawled into....the essence of who he was vaporized slowly out into the thin air as the needle push the beloved rush of an opiate's kiss seductively up the wounded vein......the glowing embers of the barely smoked Camel softly illuminating the shadows of his wasted corpse like visage...
I suppose he is back 'out' there....running with the dying remaining members of the old smack pack.....having abandoned myself,family,God and Country......trading the love of many for the artifice of a few alliances that strain the true meaning of friendship as tightly as the belts that tie off their upper arms.
Is this really the heroin addict's cure for loneliness or is it
the loneliness that drives him to the comforting solace of solitude?
yes...there are so many 'triggers' but
yet so little of precious life to be needlessly
squandered by the 'fire' of the needle
luv MARY
You talk about loneliness.....i know full well about that subject whether i was drinking or sober....in a relationship or not....with a friend or by myself....surrounded by family members....or a crowd of complete strangers..
I remember the ex bf saying how he didn't like to shoot up alone....but what i have witnessed in the past...when he failed to hide his 'lie'....was that solitary introspective 'nod' he mentally crawled into....the essence of who he was vaporized slowly out into the thin air as the needle push the beloved rush of an opiate's kiss seductively up the wounded vein......the glowing embers of the barely smoked Camel softly illuminating the shadows of his wasted corpse like visage...
I suppose he is back 'out' there....running with the dying remaining members of the old smack pack.....having abandoned myself,family,God and Country......trading the love of many for the artifice of a few alliances that strain the true meaning of friendship as tightly as the belts that tie off their upper arms.
Is this really the heroin addict's cure for loneliness or is it
the loneliness that drives him to the comforting solace of solitude?
yes...there are so many 'triggers' but
yet so little of precious life to be needlessly
squandered by the 'fire' of the needle
luv MARY
Sometimes thinking about the old days when I was younger,free of responsibilies,and had more of a liveley social life gets to me. Maybe it doesnt set off triggers but ,I do think about "what if life didnt get sidetracked by years of drug abuse"
Then I think- Hell I came out of if pretty lucky all things considered - Im not writing this from prison, Im realitively healthy,(seen so much sickness-HIV...etc..)
So maybe the biggest trigger for me is also loniless. Even though I have a good lady,a good kid, a understanding family,decent co-workers- - I do miss the friendships I had years ago(not the heroin friends)- Around the holidays you like to visit old friends, toast the old times and talk about the new times to come. Seems like those folks are long gone- like they never even happened.
You would think its time to move on- life evolves and you evolve with it. If you dwell on the past to much you might be doomed to repeat it.- and although I miss certain times- there are peroids of my past I wouldnt want to repeat for all the tea in China.- - Ahhh the paradox.
peace,
jack
Then I think- Hell I came out of if pretty lucky all things considered - Im not writing this from prison, Im realitively healthy,(seen so much sickness-HIV...etc..)
So maybe the biggest trigger for me is also loniless. Even though I have a good lady,a good kid, a understanding family,decent co-workers- - I do miss the friendships I had years ago(not the heroin friends)- Around the holidays you like to visit old friends, toast the old times and talk about the new times to come. Seems like those folks are long gone- like they never even happened.
You would think its time to move on- life evolves and you evolve with it. If you dwell on the past to much you might be doomed to repeat it.- and although I miss certain times- there are peroids of my past I wouldnt want to repeat for all the tea in China.- - Ahhh the paradox.
peace,
jack
For my boyfriend, I think loneliness is a major reason for his drug use, he says he has always felt very lonely and that he struggles with these feelings.
I think the loneliness thing is a catch 22. The heroin addict is always alone in their hearts, because we know that the most intense, the most meaningful relationship we have is not with another human being, but with a substance. That's the terrible thing about heroin, is that it is so reliable - where human relationships require work and mutual commitment, respect etc, heroin doesn't ask you for anything - except it takes everything you are, everything you were and every dream you ever had, as payment for the instant bliss it provides. I am going to quote you some of the opening passage to the book I am writing, coz I think it explains it to the best of my ability.
"There is a place where everything is beautiful. There is a place where no pain is so terrible it cannot be soothed. There is a place where no sin, no transgression is so vile that it cannot be forgiven. There is a place where no burden is so heavy that it cannot be lifted. In this place you will be wrapped in peace, enclosed by comfort. All your worries will be removed. If you are broken, then the many scattered parts of you will be painstakingly picked up and glued together by the feeling of love, and you will be made whole again. If you are fearful, then warm light will shine into the deepest recesses of your psyche, and show you there is no need to be afraid. If you are sick, then a healing hand will lay itself upon you, and your sickness will be felt no more. This place has a name - it starts with H and ends with N and has six letters - but you will never find it on any map. It cannot be seen, it can only be felt. You will always be welcomed in, you will always feel loved. It is often mistaken for heaven, but to enter this place demands no special qualities; you don't have to be good, you don't have to be repentant, you do not require faith, and it doesn't ask you to worship it. You don't even have to die to go there, although many do in the trying, and you can come back as often as you like. You like it? This place is called heroin. Wanna try it?
Then how about the flipside? You find the formula for instant joy, you can't unlearn it. It takes you there so effortlessly, so reliably, and it's so exquisit, it leaves the traditional routes to happiness behind in its wake. All the things that would normally make you happy pale away to nothing in comparison. It leaves you empty, your enthusiasm for life just drifts away. Having glimpsed the elixir of life, all the things that used to be important to you become pointless. When it is gone, it leaves an unfillable void, an empty vacuum of broken dreams. And soon it becomes a requirement to life. The sickness it leaves is so vile that it feels unendurable....
...It is a total eclipse of the spirit by "self will run riot", where insanity blends seamlessly with agony. Your need ascends to a new, unimaginable dimension. Every cell in your body cries out for it. It consumes you entirely, it is a cannibal with a savage, insatiatable appetite. It flattens your best intentions like a runaway train. It crushes you like you are nothing, and you truely find out the nature of man. You learn your limitations, surprising yourself almost daily, by the new depths you will sink to. There is a payback for all that joy. In its absence, you feel the equal and opposite measure of misery, and in it's pursuit you sacrifice everything you are, everything you love, everything you want, and everything you dreamed you might be. What has a back has a front, and the bigger the back, the bigger the front. Every junkie knows this. You never know what pleasure is until you are really junk-sick."
Mary, every junkie is lonely.
love
Diff xxx
"There is a place where everything is beautiful. There is a place where no pain is so terrible it cannot be soothed. There is a place where no sin, no transgression is so vile that it cannot be forgiven. There is a place where no burden is so heavy that it cannot be lifted. In this place you will be wrapped in peace, enclosed by comfort. All your worries will be removed. If you are broken, then the many scattered parts of you will be painstakingly picked up and glued together by the feeling of love, and you will be made whole again. If you are fearful, then warm light will shine into the deepest recesses of your psyche, and show you there is no need to be afraid. If you are sick, then a healing hand will lay itself upon you, and your sickness will be felt no more. This place has a name - it starts with H and ends with N and has six letters - but you will never find it on any map. It cannot be seen, it can only be felt. You will always be welcomed in, you will always feel loved. It is often mistaken for heaven, but to enter this place demands no special qualities; you don't have to be good, you don't have to be repentant, you do not require faith, and it doesn't ask you to worship it. You don't even have to die to go there, although many do in the trying, and you can come back as often as you like. You like it? This place is called heroin. Wanna try it?
Then how about the flipside? You find the formula for instant joy, you can't unlearn it. It takes you there so effortlessly, so reliably, and it's so exquisit, it leaves the traditional routes to happiness behind in its wake. All the things that would normally make you happy pale away to nothing in comparison. It leaves you empty, your enthusiasm for life just drifts away. Having glimpsed the elixir of life, all the things that used to be important to you become pointless. When it is gone, it leaves an unfillable void, an empty vacuum of broken dreams. And soon it becomes a requirement to life. The sickness it leaves is so vile that it feels unendurable....
...It is a total eclipse of the spirit by "self will run riot", where insanity blends seamlessly with agony. Your need ascends to a new, unimaginable dimension. Every cell in your body cries out for it. It consumes you entirely, it is a cannibal with a savage, insatiatable appetite. It flattens your best intentions like a runaway train. It crushes you like you are nothing, and you truely find out the nature of man. You learn your limitations, surprising yourself almost daily, by the new depths you will sink to. There is a payback for all that joy. In its absence, you feel the equal and opposite measure of misery, and in it's pursuit you sacrifice everything you are, everything you love, everything you want, and everything you dreamed you might be. What has a back has a front, and the bigger the back, the bigger the front. Every junkie knows this. You never know what pleasure is until you are really junk-sick."
Mary, every junkie is lonely.
love
Diff xxx
Wow! Diff, when you finish that book, I want to buy the first copy!!!! I guess my main trigger is also lonliness. I get into that place in my head and can't get out!!! In that place, I'm a complete screw-up and no-one wants anything to do with me unless I'm giving them something in payment for thier friendship. In that place i'm suspicious of all motives. If someone were to give me a hug, I'd wonder how much that was going to cost me. It's a really lonely place to be unless you've got a bag of dope for company. All the dope wants is....EVERYTHING!! I don't go that place often anymore but I find myself there often enough to know I'm still in a tight spot in my head.
Peace,
Shirley
Peace,
Shirley
Dear Diff,
You say every junkie is lonely.....is heroin needed to fill the void or was the void created by heroin......
before the introduction of the actual substance into a junkie's life...was the love of family friends significant others etc....enough to sustain him/her? Obviously once heroin became a part of the junkie's life...then family friends significant others etc...could never sustain what the addiction demanded and 'love' was replaced by the love for the drug.
I suppose after a time then even the bliss of heroin cannot suppress the junkie's underlying realization that his/her love for the drug is alienating he/she from those that were once loved....and the substance that was needed orginally to fill the void is now in fact creating it.
I am not a recovering heroin addict....instead a recovering alcoholic..but nonetheless...regardless of the substance of choice....alcohol put me through the same steps mentally physically socially that heroin addicts go through.
This is the scariest and hardest part of it all...dear Diff...
is to know that after all these years....even from the early time of
childhood...i never developed a healthy love of 'self'
Family friends love sex alcohol...whatever...could never fill the original void but merely replaced one void for another....my loneliness stems from within but i seek its cure from without....i am a stranger unto myself.....alienated from the very thing i should love the most....'me'
No matter how fast i run....i can't get away from myself
the funny thing is....i don't know why i am always on the run
i must have done something really terrible as an
innocent ignorant as to the ways of the world..child
...if only i could remember....i get so tired from
this constant running.....i feel so lonely
luv MARY
You say every junkie is lonely.....is heroin needed to fill the void or was the void created by heroin......
before the introduction of the actual substance into a junkie's life...was the love of family friends significant others etc....enough to sustain him/her? Obviously once heroin became a part of the junkie's life...then family friends significant others etc...could never sustain what the addiction demanded and 'love' was replaced by the love for the drug.
I suppose after a time then even the bliss of heroin cannot suppress the junkie's underlying realization that his/her love for the drug is alienating he/she from those that were once loved....and the substance that was needed orginally to fill the void is now in fact creating it.
I am not a recovering heroin addict....instead a recovering alcoholic..but nonetheless...regardless of the substance of choice....alcohol put me through the same steps mentally physically socially that heroin addicts go through.
This is the scariest and hardest part of it all...dear Diff...
is to know that after all these years....even from the early time of
childhood...i never developed a healthy love of 'self'
Family friends love sex alcohol...whatever...could never fill the original void but merely replaced one void for another....my loneliness stems from within but i seek its cure from without....i am a stranger unto myself.....alienated from the very thing i should love the most....'me'
No matter how fast i run....i can't get away from myself
the funny thing is....i don't know why i am always on the run
i must have done something really terrible as an
innocent ignorant as to the ways of the world..child
...if only i could remember....i get so tired from
this constant running.....i feel so lonely
luv MARY
The endorphin system is a group of nerve cells in the brain, named after the chemicals these cells transmit to relax muscles, dull pain and reduce panic and anxiety. This system also has been shown to lower blood pressure and reduce cardiovascular workloads. The system is often called the body's "natural opiate system," because morphine and other opiate drugs affect the same nerve cells.-
The above ia an article out of Science Daily
There is a believe that some people are born with a endorphin system disorder
If this theory has any validity ,I dont know-- but if it did ,it would explain why some look to replace what the body is not producing enough .
If this system is misfiring from birth, or if drug abuse caused the damage the result would seem to be the same.
It would also explain why the people look to self medicate to" fix " the problem
It could also be a convienent excuse to justify opiate use.
Interesting theory- I dont take a stance either way- Im just a reporter here.
love&respect
jack
The above ia an article out of Science Daily
There is a believe that some people are born with a endorphin system disorder
If this theory has any validity ,I dont know-- but if it did ,it would explain why some look to replace what the body is not producing enough .
If this system is misfiring from birth, or if drug abuse caused the damage the result would seem to be the same.
It would also explain why the people look to self medicate to" fix " the problem
It could also be a convienent excuse to justify opiate use.
Interesting theory- I dont take a stance either way- Im just a reporter here.
love&respect
jack
Mary, you have to stop running. I know that I was always lonely inside, and I think that is because I suffered from a psychiatric disorder from a very young age, and that alienated me from the rest of the world, and consequently I hated myself for being different, for feeling such anguish inside, for not being able to feel "normal". I had an email from my ex husband recently, and it made mecry, cry because I was so touched that somebody else realised how I feel.
He said "...I hate the thought of you being lonely and sad. I know that you have people, and Bill, but I know that you are a person, at times, that can be completely alone and screaming out and no one can hear you..."
I guess I still feel essentially alone, but I've been a lot less lonely since becoming pregnant, coz I have the company of my unborn daughter. And I cope with it better. My medication helps, adding to what Jack had to say. I have a chemistry problem in my brain which needs medication to improve it. Also counselling helps. But right now, present in my life, there are very few people who I feel I can be open with, and sometimes being with someone who for some reason you feel you just can't open up to makes it worse, because you have constant reminders that you are alone.
Do you see a Dr, or have any medication/treatment for depression, or any other psychiatric disorder? You shouldn't have to struggle alone.
love
Diff xxx
He said "...I hate the thought of you being lonely and sad. I know that you have people, and Bill, but I know that you are a person, at times, that can be completely alone and screaming out and no one can hear you..."
I guess I still feel essentially alone, but I've been a lot less lonely since becoming pregnant, coz I have the company of my unborn daughter. And I cope with it better. My medication helps, adding to what Jack had to say. I have a chemistry problem in my brain which needs medication to improve it. Also counselling helps. But right now, present in my life, there are very few people who I feel I can be open with, and sometimes being with someone who for some reason you feel you just can't open up to makes it worse, because you have constant reminders that you are alone.
Do you see a Dr, or have any medication/treatment for depression, or any other psychiatric disorder? You shouldn't have to struggle alone.
love
Diff xxx
We pick up long before we pick up. I'm a firm believer in that. We rationalize sometimes for weeks ahead of time that it would be no big deal to do just one bag. Things are going bad. You have an argument with someone you love. It can be as small as a few angry words exchanged. BOOM. You're out there. I don't think we just go out and use. It had to be planned subconciously and we wait for any old excuse to do so. Just my opinion though, Mary, and you know how that rolls.
TRIGGER?????????????????? BLUE BAGS. Blue anything small. It can be a gum wrapper the same color our dope came in here. I can be minding my business and happy as a lark, and I spy something in that color blue on the ground I stop and pick it up, and go through it all in my head.
If I find an actual bag I wonder where it came from, and who did the dope. That blue bag can suck me in if I let it and have me running and looking to cop some dope. I distance myself completely from anyone I even remotely think is still using. If not I think I just might ask questions and I'll be back out there.
TRIGGER?????????????????? BLUE BAGS. Blue anything small. It can be a gum wrapper the same color our dope came in here. I can be minding my business and happy as a lark, and I spy something in that color blue on the ground I stop and pick it up, and go through it all in my head.
If I find an actual bag I wonder where it came from, and who did the dope. That blue bag can suck me in if I let it and have me running and looking to cop some dope. I distance myself completely from anyone I even remotely think is still using. If not I think I just might ask questions and I'll be back out there.
Bryn,
that is so weird you mentioned seeing something blue as a trigger for you..remember that time i told you how i had been cleaning behind my stereo center and had espied a bright almost Day Glo blue colored square packet in the dusty corner? I discovered to my dismay that it contained about 6 smaller packets of heroin wrapped for street sale...
i am currently living in Ohio....but is heroin generally sold in bright blue packets?
hey it could have been worse..what if the blue packet
contained 6 individual already used condoms that
obviously had been used during a street 'sale'
YUK!!! love MARY
that is so weird you mentioned seeing something blue as a trigger for you..remember that time i told you how i had been cleaning behind my stereo center and had espied a bright almost Day Glo blue colored square packet in the dusty corner? I discovered to my dismay that it contained about 6 smaller packets of heroin wrapped for street sale...
i am currently living in Ohio....but is heroin generally sold in bright blue packets?
hey it could have been worse..what if the blue packet
contained 6 individual already used condoms that
obviously had been used during a street 'sale'
YUK!!! love MARY
Oh, Mary they don't wrap the used condoms here. They just discard them on a step or porch or on the pavement. Poor people come out to take the kids to school and walk over crak pipes and used condoms. That's even if the girls or guys working actually have them.
Yeah, the day glowie colored thing is probably the see through plastic like sort of zip lock thingie. Here anyway they don't use them except for crack I think and smaller. I have seen though people actually use them after dipping in someone elses bag and taking a little from everyone's bag.
The real small envelopes like are baby blue and they'd have names or pictures on them. Like stamped on them. Almost always a black stamp. I don't know any of the names now, but they used to be catchy like Addidas or you'd want something called Instant Death or something like that. Morbid, but that's the life you know. For all I know they don't even use blue anymore although i see them sometimes on the street. Not often thank goodness. I've picked them up and would read the names on them and wonder where they came from which is not good. I posted that around this time last year I found a bunch together like maybe a bundle all with the tops torn off. No doubt I could have got a line out of them and I actually held them for like a block and was like "Dummy, what are you thinking you nut?" Anything could have been in there, and even if was dope I had no business looking at it, but yeah that's so weird.
You and me are the blue girls instead of them performers the blue men. Little rubber bands the red ones or black ones trigger a little too. They wrap bundles in them. That's a rack and ya get an extra. I used to keep them rubber bands and I have no idea why. Probably to remind me how much money I stole off my family or what I pawned.
Sad, sad, sad. Here's to hoping none of that is even out there anymore. I wish.
It's good to be educated though especially people with kids and would have no idea what that all is. Ohio sounds nice. Drew Carrey lives there and Mimi.
Yeah, the day glowie colored thing is probably the see through plastic like sort of zip lock thingie. Here anyway they don't use them except for crack I think and smaller. I have seen though people actually use them after dipping in someone elses bag and taking a little from everyone's bag.
The real small envelopes like are baby blue and they'd have names or pictures on them. Like stamped on them. Almost always a black stamp. I don't know any of the names now, but they used to be catchy like Addidas or you'd want something called Instant Death or something like that. Morbid, but that's the life you know. For all I know they don't even use blue anymore although i see them sometimes on the street. Not often thank goodness. I've picked them up and would read the names on them and wonder where they came from which is not good. I posted that around this time last year I found a bunch together like maybe a bundle all with the tops torn off. No doubt I could have got a line out of them and I actually held them for like a block and was like "Dummy, what are you thinking you nut?" Anything could have been in there, and even if was dope I had no business looking at it, but yeah that's so weird.
You and me are the blue girls instead of them performers the blue men. Little rubber bands the red ones or black ones trigger a little too. They wrap bundles in them. That's a rack and ya get an extra. I used to keep them rubber bands and I have no idea why. Probably to remind me how much money I stole off my family or what I pawned.
Sad, sad, sad. Here's to hoping none of that is even out there anymore. I wish.
It's good to be educated though especially people with kids and would have no idea what that all is. Ohio sounds nice. Drew Carrey lives there and Mimi.
Hey Bryn,
At the risk of unintentionally offending other Ohioans...to me Ohio is a bore...only settled here because of numb nuts aka the ex bf or bs...New York City born and bred...i will be hopping a plane in 2 weeks to see the family there.
The old boy turned 54 yesterday...of course as my services are no longer required...i wasn't allowed to wish him a Happy Birthday.....haven't seen him for more than 2 and a half months....resisted contacting him ever since i became aware that he has been back in communication with the trafficking chick that he was residing with at the time of his last bust...( she herself on probation for yet another umpteenth drug charge).
Originally he was only hanging out with her 17 year old daughter and 22 year old son who both left the house after the mother was busted....but i suppose i was too naive enough to believe that the ex bf would steer clear of the mother regardless...she being an old time friend and supplier..as was her now deceased trafficking husband.
Shouldn't have...but i did....wanted to see if the ex bf got an early release from his 5 years of probation this past November as he completed half of it by then. I called his old landladly....she had no idea....she didn't even know what he was busted for originally (he told she and her husband it was for fraud and that he only had to serve 2 and a half years probation...liar liar)
She says he is acting so secretive and is never home anymore although he always comes back late at night....he won't take a meal with them or stop down for coffee and goes up the side entrance to avoid them....she doesn't want to lose him as a tenant as she and her husband are quite old and infirmed (she even does his laundry for him)
She even sees me as a threat so she likes to rub in the fact that he is probably out with a new woman (which could be true..if she is paying his way)....but he never stays over wherever he is...which is weird because he always stayed over when he was with me and i stayed in his grubby little room sometimes.
it still hurts to be dumped...and for what or whom i don't
know....love MARY
At the risk of unintentionally offending other Ohioans...to me Ohio is a bore...only settled here because of numb nuts aka the ex bf or bs...New York City born and bred...i will be hopping a plane in 2 weeks to see the family there.
The old boy turned 54 yesterday...of course as my services are no longer required...i wasn't allowed to wish him a Happy Birthday.....haven't seen him for more than 2 and a half months....resisted contacting him ever since i became aware that he has been back in communication with the trafficking chick that he was residing with at the time of his last bust...( she herself on probation for yet another umpteenth drug charge).
Originally he was only hanging out with her 17 year old daughter and 22 year old son who both left the house after the mother was busted....but i suppose i was too naive enough to believe that the ex bf would steer clear of the mother regardless...she being an old time friend and supplier..as was her now deceased trafficking husband.
Shouldn't have...but i did....wanted to see if the ex bf got an early release from his 5 years of probation this past November as he completed half of it by then. I called his old landladly....she had no idea....she didn't even know what he was busted for originally (he told she and her husband it was for fraud and that he only had to serve 2 and a half years probation...liar liar)
She says he is acting so secretive and is never home anymore although he always comes back late at night....he won't take a meal with them or stop down for coffee and goes up the side entrance to avoid them....she doesn't want to lose him as a tenant as she and her husband are quite old and infirmed (she even does his laundry for him)
She even sees me as a threat so she likes to rub in the fact that he is probably out with a new woman (which could be true..if she is paying his way)....but he never stays over wherever he is...which is weird because he always stayed over when he was with me and i stayed in his grubby little room sometimes.
it still hurts to be dumped...and for what or whom i don't
know....love MARY
I started to say I'd never seen blue bags but I have. I've seen lots of them. Generally though, in New York and Philly, they're in white wax envelopes. (or blue) In Atlanta, they're in the small zip-loc bags.It's easy to get confused there and go up instead of down. On one block, they sell coke in the same bags and one block over, they sell the horse. I used to love going to New York. I didn't like the trip up because I was sick. (most of the time) After I copped, I liked to go to the Kiev and eat. Then, I'd find a nice coffee shop nearby or sit on a stoop and watch the world go by. Just watching life happen can be really cool in the city.
Love you guys,
Shirley
Love you guys,
Shirley
Oh Mary, I wish you'd stop torturing yourself, and it is a form of self-torture, what you are doing. I know, coz it's a trap I fall into too. When the boyfriend is away, I look at his "secret" photo's. All women, in various states of undress, lying in his bed, the same bed we make love in. Or naked on a beach somewhere. Or in the bath tub. And I've read his private notebook, which contains things he's written about how he felt about some other women. It hurts me to read it, because I wonder if he feels the same way about me, but I can't stop doing it. And gone through his texts. That's the most unnerving thing, I think. When he's getting texts off women when he's with me, and I wonder why he saved them. Is it just to make me jealous? He's told me he's slept with over 500 women, whereas I can count my lovers on my fingers and a few toes. But he only ever loved 3 of them. And he count's me amongst the three, so I guess that's something. But I do it, even though it twists me up inside. And I guess I want to inflict the same feelings on him. I remember feeling a smug bolt of satisfaction when he found a pair of my knickers in the back of car last week. They'd fallen out the washing basket when I was taking a load down to the launderette to be tumble dried, but his first reaction was "Who've you been shagging then?" And sometimes when we drive past some spot where I've had previous liasions with other men, I tell him "I had sex over there..." coz I know it makes him feel uncomfortable.
I've done various self-torturing things during my life, regarding various different partners. It's so unhealthy. And your ex probably gains satisfaction from knowing that you do it. Show him that you're doing fine without him, even if you don't feel like you are. One thing that i read in my boyfriends notebook, regarding a girl who he had split up with, was that whenever he saw her, she always seemed happy, and that tore him up inside. At the moment, I feel the boot is on the other foot with you. This guy you've wasted so much of your precious love on, he ain't the be all and end all. There's another life waiting for you, if you just opened yourself up to the possibility of it. And when he see's you happy, either footloose and fancy free, or with another guy who loves you the way you deserve to be loved, he'll feel the sting, believe me.
take care kiddo
love
Diff xxx
I've done various self-torturing things during my life, regarding various different partners. It's so unhealthy. And your ex probably gains satisfaction from knowing that you do it. Show him that you're doing fine without him, even if you don't feel like you are. One thing that i read in my boyfriends notebook, regarding a girl who he had split up with, was that whenever he saw her, she always seemed happy, and that tore him up inside. At the moment, I feel the boot is on the other foot with you. This guy you've wasted so much of your precious love on, he ain't the be all and end all. There's another life waiting for you, if you just opened yourself up to the possibility of it. And when he see's you happy, either footloose and fancy free, or with another guy who loves you the way you deserve to be loved, he'll feel the sting, believe me.
take care kiddo
love
Diff xxx
Shirley, you're East Coast? Man, lady you been all over.
I never copped anywhere except my hometown.....that's Philly......open air isn't big here anymore so if you were here a few years ago it was all open air....never had a white bag in my life.......always blue........you descriped them right though like wax paper stuff.......folded over and then sealed in plastic.
You just stay where you are, honey wherever it is......you're hanging good, babes.......just stay put.......oh, open air used to be like how you described a lovely day in the neighborhood........it was a given you could cop as soon as your foot hit the street down the way as we call it.....down the way......then it was lovely buying an ice thingie off a man just pushing an old shopping cart.....just a block of ice, and he shaved it and then added that syrup......or ya'd get pinchot's off someone who just pulled a grill out front and sold this stuff on a stick.......just had to dodge bulletts that's all, but you were high so it was all good.........NOW, man I'd faint in horror it's so dangerous down there.
Yeah, see Philly got it down......the butter or coke is in different bags as is the rock in different bags as is the dope.......don't ask in Spanish cause it's montega and montagia and I know I spelled them wrong........montega is dope and the montagia is the rock.........don't I think I'm the s*i* one time and call in Spanish "Yo, yo montagia, montagia" and like five guys run to get your business and I had no idea what rock looked like or how it was packaged and I'm going NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not that I want montagia......lucky I didn't get my hinney shot.......or a punch to the head.
Mary, Lord knows what that man is up to, but it ain't no good......you did NOT get dumped.........you got smart, and he did ya a big favor, but I know it hurts....your feelings are your own and the heck with that old landlady.....like you said she wants the loot.......just wait till he gets busted in there and see how smart a*s she is.........nah, man you can feel any way ya want....but you did NOT get dumped.....maybe you ever think he loved you enough to cut ya a break??????????? I do.
I never copped anywhere except my hometown.....that's Philly......open air isn't big here anymore so if you were here a few years ago it was all open air....never had a white bag in my life.......always blue........you descriped them right though like wax paper stuff.......folded over and then sealed in plastic.
You just stay where you are, honey wherever it is......you're hanging good, babes.......just stay put.......oh, open air used to be like how you described a lovely day in the neighborhood........it was a given you could cop as soon as your foot hit the street down the way as we call it.....down the way......then it was lovely buying an ice thingie off a man just pushing an old shopping cart.....just a block of ice, and he shaved it and then added that syrup......or ya'd get pinchot's off someone who just pulled a grill out front and sold this stuff on a stick.......just had to dodge bulletts that's all, but you were high so it was all good.........NOW, man I'd faint in horror it's so dangerous down there.
Yeah, see Philly got it down......the butter or coke is in different bags as is the rock in different bags as is the dope.......don't ask in Spanish cause it's montega and montagia and I know I spelled them wrong........montega is dope and the montagia is the rock.........don't I think I'm the s*i* one time and call in Spanish "Yo, yo montagia, montagia" and like five guys run to get your business and I had no idea what rock looked like or how it was packaged and I'm going NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not that I want montagia......lucky I didn't get my hinney shot.......or a punch to the head.
Mary, Lord knows what that man is up to, but it ain't no good......you did NOT get dumped.........you got smart, and he did ya a big favor, but I know it hurts....your feelings are your own and the heck with that old landlady.....like you said she wants the loot.......just wait till he gets busted in there and see how smart a*s she is.........nah, man you can feel any way ya want....but you did NOT get dumped.....maybe you ever think he loved you enough to cut ya a break??????????? I do.
i had 5 yrs before then i just started using because i was bored. it took my 2 1/2 to clean up again. now i have 19 months clean again. i plan on staying clean, but then again who ever plans on f*cking up. i know i don't. i guess my trigger is people, like old friends, husband, and being bored.
raerae
raerae
