I'm pretty good at keeping my boundaries with my heroin addicted daughter. She is 25 and has been to at least 10 detoxes, 5 treatment admissions, one lasted 2 months and she did really well but didn't follow the discharge plan and was using again within 48 hrs. Then on her own went back and detoxed, repeated treatment, then off to sober living which ended in failure after 2 months. Now she is fending for herself, going to get an apt, and get a job, currently living in a hotel none of which I'm paying for. She has her own money. I guess my question is even though I talk to her regularly and support her emotionally i feel guilty for not letting her live with me. I know I would be a basket case and it would do her no good. We tried it before and it was awful and she just was missing alot and I worried....She knows she can't live with me....It's the guilt and worry that eats away at me even though I'm pretty clear with her. It's always present and I know it would be worse if we lived together. Does anyone else struggle with this too?
It's a constant battle in my mind. One the one hand my kid is an adult.She can do this. On the other side maybe if I helped she would be less likely to relapse.
But if I help is it too easy to relapse,but if I dont help its too hard to stay sober......circles circles
But if I help is it too easy to relapse,but if I dont help its too hard to stay sober......circles circles
I think Saly Anne, we feel Quilty whatever we choose, my 25 lives at home, sometimes I think he needs to move out, he is no bother at all, but feel he would grow more as a person, we as mums want to fix things for them, I just relize now I can't fix him, he has to work it out, your daughter must be managing to pay her rent etc, and looking for work is all positives, like I have said before mine has always worked, does give me money, but he doesn't save, he dosent go out, I try and keep myself busy, had my 2 year old grandson today, and he loves my son, I know how you must feel as a lot of the time I think something is going to happen and that will be it, he will have to move out, dammed if you do , and dammed if you don't, it's really hard for us to imagine what's going on in there heads, they know they don't want to be like they are, but my eldest says to mum, who is very supportive of his brother, it is what it is mum, we can only be there for him, and that is the advise I hear so much, so been in contact with your daughter over the phone is great she know your there for here, take care
Thank you for your replies. When her sober living failed her therapist wanted to transfer her to another which they know was good. It was much smaller and only women very structured. The one she was at was too big, no structure, chaotic, too much free time and drama. I really encouraged her to go to the other sober living but she strongly refused because it was going to cost her more money (but really no more than paying rent) and it included meals and treatment. They would help her find employment too they have to work to live there. Now she claims she's 'homeless' and 'no one cares' about her which is not true. She wanted to come home and I said no which she already knew was the answer. Ugh!
Hi Sallyanna - I think the best choice would be the smaller sober living. all the resources are there to succeed. your daughter has to want to. now might be the time you can say "be homeless or go to this sober living." my son was at a good one in florida in 2016. if he wanted to stay sober it would have been great. he had a job within walking distance. didn't need a car. the rent was 800 per month. they had a step up program, transition from rehab to sober living. we had to pay out of pocket for the rehab for a few months - as he went in at a point when he was deep in addiction. basically that was the decision maker for him. he was homeless for 2 weeks. we found this place. said to son, "have you had enough". call this number. of course we had made arrangements from long distance. he did well for a 4-5 months, but after working about 6 weeks got antsy and decided he wanted to rent a room - "it would be less expensive than rent." (he wanted out) He went right back to addiction. then lived w family member - sober for 4 months. came home, right back to addiction - lived w gf - lasted a year - 2017 - until june 2018 - went to local hospital rehab. said it was the best experience. the people said what he needed to hear. I think he was ready to hear it. He did well but struggled for 3 months sober over the summer. then started drinking, sep-oct. he now - November - is sober again. he seems the most normal as I have seen in years. the worst part for him is the boredom. nothing to do at times. but he is really trying and it is just as hard for us - wanting to see him do better without having expectations too high, but not too low either.
in the spring things were really out of control. he was using. his living arrangement fell apart. he started living at home. it was a mess. we got to the point where we were telling him he cant live here like this. he was between a rock and a hard place. at that moment - out of a job, car not working, no where to live. I ran my tail off trying to find help for him. sometimes he went with me to a counsellor. finally all doors pointed to the hospital. so that was the answer - over and over - go to the hospital.
the illness and issue is too big for us parents to handle, no matter how much we want to.
since june he has been living at home and although there was a slip and wrecked car in sept, he is still welcome to live at home. found a new job. it is awkward when he is quiet and sitting in his room staring at the wall.
at one point he did tell us he feels safe at home. something he had not felt in a long time as he has spent many years living away in different locations. PS- sober living - he says it was not good. too many guys living together - 3 in a bedroom - some transient - they would "take your stuff when you left the house" but I think there were other options my son did not follow thru on. I think he could have kept valuables in the office in a safe... but who knows. He could have kept his $ in a bank, and he didn't.
he didn't succeed living away from home partially bc of the addiction and partially bc of his low maturity level - just doesn't do things the way most people would. then he would think another location would be better, and would get a job there and move. and it would be the same.
sorry I my details are confusing - I'm trying not to write a book.
for 3 months this summer he went to meetings, counsellor, IOP and I think that has made a difference. my husband thinks work solves everything. it doesn't. he needs the sober support system.
ask your daughter to do the sober living for 6 months.
in the spring things were really out of control. he was using. his living arrangement fell apart. he started living at home. it was a mess. we got to the point where we were telling him he cant live here like this. he was between a rock and a hard place. at that moment - out of a job, car not working, no where to live. I ran my tail off trying to find help for him. sometimes he went with me to a counsellor. finally all doors pointed to the hospital. so that was the answer - over and over - go to the hospital.
the illness and issue is too big for us parents to handle, no matter how much we want to.
since june he has been living at home and although there was a slip and wrecked car in sept, he is still welcome to live at home. found a new job. it is awkward when he is quiet and sitting in his room staring at the wall.
at one point he did tell us he feels safe at home. something he had not felt in a long time as he has spent many years living away in different locations. PS- sober living - he says it was not good. too many guys living together - 3 in a bedroom - some transient - they would "take your stuff when you left the house" but I think there were other options my son did not follow thru on. I think he could have kept valuables in the office in a safe... but who knows. He could have kept his $ in a bank, and he didn't.
he didn't succeed living away from home partially bc of the addiction and partially bc of his low maturity level - just doesn't do things the way most people would. then he would think another location would be better, and would get a job there and move. and it would be the same.
sorry I my details are confusing - I'm trying not to write a book.
for 3 months this summer he went to meetings, counsellor, IOP and I think that has made a difference. my husband thinks work solves everything. it doesn't. he needs the sober support system.
ask your daughter to do the sober living for 6 months.
Thank you NTF for sharing your experience with your son it helps to know all the back and forth seems to be common. It is like walking in circles like Walkedon said as far as helping and not helping. I agree with sad mamma we feel guilty no matter which way we choose. It's just really hard being a parent of a child with an addiction. It's very heartbreaking to watch the choices they make. My daughter has pretty much given up on trying another sober living because of her bad experience there. She wants to try make it in her own and her first choice would be to live with me but I can't do it and it never helps her so at 25 Im going to let her make her own choices. I think it will be good if she gets a job because she hasn't had one in so long.
